Eden Rhys // Birth Story

Here we are on Eden's due date and she's just a few hours shy of three days old. Where to begin! First, I'll say that what everyone told me about third babies is entirely true. They are certainly wildcards. After having two babies at 38 weeks and 2-3 days, I was absolutely floored when I passed that pregnancy milestone by one, two, three days . . . and then a week, etc. I don't know why I was so much expecting to go around the same time again, but I guess I like trying to control things I can't control.

My pregnancy was great this time around, which is new for me. Eden seemed really happy in there the whole nine months. Until I got to week 37, really. I started getting morning sickness again. I started getting frequent near fainting spells. I got extreme swelling, uh, down below out of the blue that my provider called "significant" and -- yeah -- it was significantly uncomfortable and even worrisome. Basically, as I neared my due date, I was sort of falling apart.

Anyway, at my 38-week appointment, I asked my doctor about elective induction. I truly never considered that I would entertain such an option. But when it WAS an option, it became ever-more appealing due to a number of personal factors. I plan to write more about why I chose this route in my nitty-gritty post about induction soon. What became clear to me when I shared my plans on Instagram is that it's highly personal and controversial. I got many well-meaning messages and comments about letting her cook until she's done, not rushing her, and tons of natural induction suggestions.

But let's skip ahead now to the day Eden was born -- October 25th 2018.

We had scheduled this date mostly because it was the first available. I was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I woke up at 3AM to the sound of Ada rushing into our room and then to the bathroom to throw up. She had the stomach bug. What a wakeup. I didn't fall back to sleep after that (and she continued being sick with Stephen's care -- and we had to leave my in-laws with it, which made me feel terrible) until I called the hospital to see if they had a bed for me at 6AM. They told me to eat a big breakfast and head in around 7. I couldn't eat anything because of my morning sickness but managed to choke down a half cup of Kix cereal.

As we drove to the hospital, I was reminded so much of Eloise's birth day. She was essentially an induction. They called it "augmented" labor because my water "broke" (only a couple tablespoons) and contractions didn't start, so we did the pitocin game. It was calm. I wasn't in pain like I had been with Ada (I had three extremely painful contractions in the five-minute car ride to the hospital with her!). We got a great parking spot, grabbed our hospital bags, and headed to the L+D ward.

When we arrived, we were greeted by our nurse and headed to room 6. In my hospital, the room you labor and deliver in is also your recovery room. Immediately, I started getting some bad vibes because a number of things weren't going smoothly. The computer wouldn't boot up. The medications I needed for GBS weren't getting approved. The labs person was nowhere to be found. The blood pressure cuff kept flying off my arm. All these little glitches kept making me feel like I was tempting fate by scheduling. I said this to Stephen so many times. I quietly wondered if something was just going to go wrong.

After a while, everything started going smoothly. Meds showed up. IV was in. Computer sorted out. Breakfast had arrived as well, and I was told that my doctor didn't restrict food during labor -- SCORE! We started with fluids and a very small dose of pitocin (2) and the plan was to increase by 2 units every half hour until my doctor came to break my water sometime around lunch. I also got the GBS meds shortly after we started and immediately felt some relief knowing I was "covered" fully on those grounds. I had been checked on Tuesday and was 3 cm dilated and somewhat effaced.

So, with everything going, I walked the halls and walked some more.

Contractions had started around every 5 to 7 minutes apart. But they weren't painful at all. In fact, I'd had many more contractions and much more pain the entire day after my cervical check on Tuesday. Hours passed. I kept walking. And nothing was getting much worse. Eden wasn't sitting very low and there wasn't much pressure going on my cervix. We didn't even bother checking for dilation because I was not feeling anything. By around noon, my contractions were around every 3 minutes but completely painless. I was getting anxious for my doctor to arrive to break my water because I'd heard that all hell could break loose.

Aside: On one of our many laps around the unit, we noticed a team arrive to pick up a very sick baby for transport. I obviously couldn't get the details, but I guess the baby was ill enough to need to travel far beyond even our local NICU. I hated being self-centered, but it was another moment where I got afraid something bad was going to happen. 

My doctor showed up at 1PM.

He had a very busy day with a few c-sections and lots of patient hours in the office. I loved my doctor this time around. He is a warm and witty personality. Very calm but sure of his decisions. But not at all arrogant. He greeted me and sensed I was a bit nervous. I remember asking him "is this going to end in a c-section? Nothing is happening!" and he replied that breaking my water would surely get things going. At the same time, he assured me it wouldn't be this out-of-control experience I had heard about. He didn't use a hook as I had heard about either. Instead, he had this little finger glove thing with a pricker on the end of it. I wasn't prepared for that, which is probably a good thing.

I thought he was just checking for dilation (which he was), but then GUSH. Wow. I had actually never experienced my water breaking with my other kids. With Ada, it was intact upon arrival and broke while I was in the shower. With Eloise, it "broke" in a very small amount and then -- again -- broke fully while I was in the shower. Sitting in the bed, the water just flowed and flowed and flowed. It was so warm. And there was so much of it! Every time I moved, it gushed. It was clear, thank goodness, and my doctor informed me that I was at around a 4 cm dilated.

How disappointing!

That was such little progress since Tuesday's exam. At the same time, I had taken a few moments to read Eloise's birth story and realized that I wasn't making tons of progress and was at a 4 . . . and then I dilated REALLY quickly. My doctor said he had more patients to see and -- knowing my previous fast progress -- would ask the nurses to really keep an eye on me so he'd had enough time to get back to deliver me.

I wasn't feeling particularly optimistic because even an hour and then two hours after my water was broken, the contractions just weren't that bad. They did have some pain to them, but not lots of pressure. We kept walking the halls. One of the nurses thought it was kind of funny because there wasn't much hall to walk, so it was constant back and forth! (It was either that or stay in my room and watch news about package bombs to Robert De Niro). But when I walked, my contractions did get a bit closer and stronger.

By 4PM, I was feeling the contractions more. Again, I could talk through them. They were around 2-3 minutes apart. But I didn't have to really stop and breathe. I was getting there, though. Then I remembered that the SHOWER was always the key for me.

I asked to get in the shower with my ridiculous medication tree hooked up (I got another dose of antibiotics for GBS at this time). Pitocin was being held steady at a 16 throughout. My nurse first wanted to check me because I had noticed some blood. I was 4.5 centimeters dilated but "very soft".

Four point FIVE!? Talk about discouraging. I got in the shower. The water wasn't hot enough for me to feel like it was doing much. But then I noticed a difference. Almost right away. I started talking to myself at this point. Saying "down, down, down" and slowly counting to 10 while trying hard to unclench my jaw during contractions (thanks for that tip, Kath!). I even very gently pressed down on my stomach. I could finally feel her starting to descend. I got on my hands and knees and definitely couldn't talk anymore through the contractions.

Stephen called out to me at some point and I had trouble responding. I like to be alone when I'm in pain. I retreat into my own world. It's not that I don't need support, but when I am in labor, I need quiet. I need focus. I get in the zone. But he called my nurse and she immediately sensed that I "sounded very different" and asked if she could check me. She had also noticed some de-cels on my monitor, indicating that the baby had lowered into the birth canal.

I got out of the shower and remember saying that I would like an epidural. ASAP. I had been 4.5 cm dilated just 20 minutes before getting in the shower and seriously doubted that I made much progress. "I'm just not on top of this pain. It's getting bad!" I said, but I was convinced I'd be at a 5 -- maybe a 6. She indicated that she thought otherwise, so she checked me and I was at a 9 -- NINE -- and very stretchy.

"You can start pushing now," she said. "Let me call the doctor."

I was on my hands and knees on the bed now and got my first HOLY HELL contraction where my body felt like it was turning inside out. The mental relief I felt hearing I was near the end pushed me to fully dilated. And -- better yet -- it was 5PM and my doctor had already arrived, as he was already planning to come check on me. I got wind of this news that he was ready and had another powerful contraction. The room started filling with people and machines and I had yet another CRAZY contraction.

I said something about not being able to wait anymore, and my nurse arrived at the bottom of my bed and said we could start. I was scared and said "it's going to hurt!" and, yes, it did. But I was ready somehow. I pushed and my doctor entered the room and slowly got suited up. My first push attempt was poor. I had forgotten exactly how to bear down, so we waited for another contraction . . . and it all made much more sense.

I felt the ring of fire very distinctly. They let me push several times per contraction. Then we waited. I pushed through the next one with all my might and felt her head come out and the extreme fullness of her body . . . but again was told to wait. I think they were trying to control tearing, but I begged to keep going.

I pushed one more time and felt her come out. I looked down and all I saw was a ridiculous amount of dark brown hair. And then I immediately noticed at the nurse to my right was also a nurse we'd had during Eloise's birth. I was shaking out of control at this point because I was in shock.

I went from 4.5 to fully dilated in just 20 minutes.

Pushing had taken three minutes.

At 5:07, I was done.

Eden was here!

And I was also done having babies . . . forever.

It was a lot of feelings all at once. My doctor was cool and calm and collected. He is quiet and I liked that. He assured me everything was great. They placed Eden on my chest immediately, but I will admit I was more retreated into myself. I have trouble focusing on the baby immediately after birth because of the physical stuff my body has just gone through. It's beyond intense.

The placenta was next. And lots of stitching for my second-degree tear (third time I've had the tear). But she was here. She was beautiful. She was safe despite my feeling worried about inducing her too soon.

Most important: She was the final piece to our family. Even though I couldn't stop physically shaking or all those thoughts racing through my brain, I felt the peace almost right away. We had closed a chapter and just opened a new one in that very hospital room. I had a blog back a few years ago about "writing chapter three" -- which in my mind was all about the childbearing years. Starting our family. And I guess now we're in chapter four. The gang's all here and we're making permanent birth control plans.

Cue the tears.

I have so many more things I can share about the actual induction process, why we chose to go that route, and how I've done it twice without pain medication. I would say that this time around my contractions stayed very manageable and spaced no closer than 2-3 minutes, which was incredible. From first "painful" contraction to birth was only like two hours. The rest of the induction was mostly boring and slightly annoying (it's not fun lugging around a tower of medications).

So, if you have questions you want me to cover, let me know. Otherwise, I'm going to go hold Eden if I can pry her from her big sister's arms (Ada is obsessed with her!). More soon, but I wanted to share all these details before they leave my brain.

Eden Rhys

7 pounds, 14 ounces

20.5 inches long

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On Entering My Mid-Thirties

When I was twelve, I used to read YM and Seventeen and dream of being a teenager. Like, a lot of my waking moments were spent in a haze wondering what it would be like to be a teen. Being older meant so incredibly much. Freedom, for one. Wearing makeup and feeling attractive. Kissing cute boys. The important stuff. And when those teenage and early adult years finally arrived, I was too moody and preoccupied to really care.

I never quite developed into one of those girls on the glossy pages either. My breasts have yet to grow bigger than an A-cup despite breastfeeding two children. (I’m guessing this is it, right?) I cannot seem to let my hair grow past my shoulders for more than a few months at a time. My style in high school, in a word, would have been whacky. Oh, and those boys? I’ve had only a couple notable romances in my life (which is fine by me!).

In my twenties, I felt like I was always trying to build toward taking that next step. You know? I was extremely career-driven when I worked in marketing and communications. I could see myself going all the way to being a manager or director someday. But when I finally attained that title, I realized that stuff -- calculating metrics, checking emails at 10PM, traveling frequently for business -- just wasn’t for me. I had that classic quarter-life crisis and quit, and then I went to working in education and libraries. I treaded water for a few years in an academic library’s administration department until we got pregnant with Ada.

I became a mom at age 28. It’s right when I expected I’d want to have my first child. My mom had me at 23 back in the early 1980s, and she often talks about being so young. But I was eager to have kids. It’s not that it was going to bring some magical depth to my life. It just felt right. Having Ada also gave me an incredible opportunity to jump off the directionless career path I was on and work freelance. I could now call myself a writer. The job title I had actually work toward during college. Talk about winning.

Turning 30 felt like such a big deal back when it was happening. Like I was somehow closing the chapter to my youth. Getting older and wiser. And I had already passed so many important milestones. Stephen and I got married when I was 24, we bought a house the same year, and -- again -- we had already had our first child. Still, being 30 meant something. Like I should have had my life more figured out. Or maybe had more peace with the direction in which my life was going.

I’ll be honest. Most of my years in my thirties were spent longing to get pregnant or dealing with miscarriage and sadness. I feel like I missed a good stretch from 30-32 this way. I regret getting so wrapped up, but I don’t know how I could have done things differently. Here I am a few days away from turning 34, and I don’t have much more figured out about myself. Sure, I am feeling more grounded in a way. Like, I am who I am . . . and I don’t apologize for it. Writing in this space for so many years has helped me develop that quality. I over-share, probably. But I like being an open book to the people online and in my real life. It’s helped me weed out the fake people in my life and connect with others who truly get me and can relate to my own life’s experience.


This year, I have a few goals. They’re silly, but I’ll share them anyway.

• First, I want to focus more on self-care. Having a newborn/infant got me terribly out of the habit of spending time on my appearance. I don’t have to wear makeup to feel pretty, but I know it makes me feel good to pluck my brows, get regular haircuts (I’ll get to this soon!), take time caring for my skin, and -- yes -- spiffing myself up more often.
• Along with this, my eating habits are always a work in progress. I want to continue to move in the right direction by focusing on wholesome whole foods. I mentioned in my grocery posts that we’re looking to eat fewer packaged foods (bad habit). That’s my main area of attack right now.
• I want to keep working toward finding that elusive balance in my life. I feel like mine is a life that goes like ocean waves. There are weeks when I’m crazy with work or Stephen’s schedule. Others where I sit so still I’m barely breathing. I think simply scheduling things better and getting into more routine will help. 
• I also want to get out more. I may sign up for an exercise class (spinning or yoga?) because I miss the group atmosphere. I am addicted to Fitness Blender, but they don’t talk back to me, no matter how many profanities I toss out when I’m lifting those kettle bells.
• Then comes my career stuff. I am loving my current situation, but I think I need to start actually using my office more. I find myself overwhelmed with work on the daily, and it’s something as simple as writing out my deadlines on a white board that might help. I tend to keep everything in my head so it weighs on me. I’d also like to do more writing of my own. Goal is to get one essay published in a local magazine or something similar.
• As a family goal, I’d like to create a day of disconnecting and re-connecting. Does that make sense? Almost like a sabbath. I just want to be present and together for one day each week. Or maybe even just one afternoon. It’s so easy to get caught up in the frenetic pace of life.

Here’s to turning the big 3-4 and all that it brings! 

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This is Five

Right now, I have a 4-month-old babe and a 4-year-old big girl. In the next couple days, I'll have both a 5-month-old and a 5-year-old. Phew.

Of course, it's Ada's birthday that's taking center stage. Five is a biggie. It's this milestone I've been thinking about for quite some time. I hear people still call their 4-year-olds toddlers (I'm not one of them!), but when your tiny one reaches five . . . there's absolutely no denying it. You have a KID. A full-fledged kid on your hands.

The other day as I watched the news in horror about the election results, Ada was being particularly quiet and absorbed into her drawing. She loves to doodle before school as I mix up her instant oatmeal breakfast. Stephen and I were having some pretty intense discussions about the state of the country -- feeling hopeless and confused and angry (these are sentiments for another day).

And when Ada hands me a piece of paper that says "I see the house."

I suppose I had heard her in the background going "I, I, I s-sssss-seeee tt-thhhh-the how-how-house." Apparently her class is starting to write sentences at school. Whether well-practiced or not, I don't think I've ever been more proud. She beamed with confidence. I'll never forget her face!


We have been very hands-off with reading and writing at home. We read tons of books just for fun. We play around with writing letters. And we know it's important, but we also have always known that our daughter is 2, 3, 4. To us, that stuff could come in time . . . and we wanted it to come when SHE was driving the interest, not us.

Well, now that she's basically five? It's happened. She's interested in all things reading and writing. She asks how to spell words, scrawls them on the page, and then illustrates her work. Consistently for the last year she tells us she wants to be an artist. Now that she's started school, this career aspiration has morphed into art teacher. She brings home thick folders full of drawings every single day.

Anyway, I'm feeling all the feelings about Ada turning five. We are having a small party for her on Saturday. She went back and forth and back and forth on wanting or not wanting a party. In the end, I suggested she just invite a couple of her closest friends. We'll have pizza, cake, and celebrate this gigantic milestone.

She certainly has grown into quite an amazing little lady.

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Turning 33 + Cutting Loose

Stephen and I started the habit of giving each other a "time out" each day. I usually run some errand that involves driving to the other side of town. And yesterday I found myself pulling into the parking lot of a salon I've been meaning to check out in the eight years since we moved here. I knew I wanted to get my hair cut eventually, but in that moment -- I HAD to get it done . . . right then and there.

I had the greatest conversation with my stylist. She's a tall, lanky woman in her early 50s with wild red-streaked curls. She and I couldn't be more different in some ways. In others, we are so much the same. She grew up in the urban suburbs of NYC, supported herself through school by cutting hair, and somehow found herself living up in upstate NY because she fell in love with the land and her horse. Those are good reasons, I think. None of this really matters, but I was able to acquire such a vibrant painting of her life in such a short snippet of time.

Beyond the obvious getting-to-know-you banter, we somehow landed on the topic of control. Steering our destinies. Or, rather, the inability to do so. For example, when I was in my early twenties, I never imagined living where I do, doing what I do, or necessarily having two kids by now. I was always set on city life, on a career in publishing, and having kids in my mid to late thirties. Obviously things turned out differently for a million different reasons, but it got me thinking that at every stage in life, I seem to be fighting. Going against the current. Unhappy with the flow.

I spent hours upon hours plotting out my next course. It's a hobby of mine, really. Way back when I read Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, I quickly discovered that I derive the most joy in life not from living in the moment or reflecting on it. Nope. I am all in the researching and planning stages. That's all very well and good. But I do tend to get bummed when things don't go how I want them to.

What we concluded at the end of the hour -- after many, many inches of my tresses landed on the floor -- is that it's good to have a plan. In life, it's good to have a plan. But what isn't so great is to think that your plan will ever actually come to fruition. To spent hours worrying about it, at least. I shared that I got a tragic taste of this lesson during our struggles with infertility and miscarriage. I had our second child so planned out. Over and over again, the universe told me "you have no control."

Sometimes letting go and enjoying the ride has its perks. I mean, if I steered myself clear into all my intended destinations, I would have missed so much good that has happened to me along the way. I may have never started freelance writing, for example, if I didn't take a chance. (Well, for me it was more of a terrifying leap.) When I got back into my car, newly cropped, I found myself meditating on the words "release yourself." I have had the whole epiphany of not having control before, but it's failed to sink in. Maybe now I am finally ready to internalize and follow this message. To cut loose, so to speak.

So, I am starting my 34th year (I turn 33 today) with these thoughts in mind.

Oh, and I also have a killer new haircut:

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Hitting Refresh

At this point in summer, I always feels like I'm hitting the refresh button on life. We get back from vacation, and I'm finally sick of eating pizza and everything otherwise bread and cheese, fudge, ice cream, and more. I feel inspired to make to-do lists and work goals. I get this immense urge to clean and purge our entire house.

To lean out my closet.

To cut my hair (I'm contemplating a pixie).

Though it's only July, I start to feel like fall is coming around (my favorite season!), and I imagine pulling out the crock and simmering applesauce all afternoon. I think about crunchy leaves, cuddly sweaters and blankets, and trips to the pumpkin patch. Then I tell myself to stop rushing summer already!

I turn 33 this week. Thursday. My birthday. My own personal holiday. A new year. For whatever reason, this point in July always marks big changes and big possibilities. Ever-personal resolutions. I get visions of the woman I want to be and -- for a while -- feel like I can become her. I make strides.

This year? I'm tired both mentally and physically. I have the desire to do all these things and many more. I feel the inspiration welling inside of me. But the hours in the day don't permit me to do much more than sit on my butt with a colicky infant on my breast. I do multitask and use one of my free hands to draw sloppy mermaids with my soon-to-be early kindergartner. (Yes! She got into the transitional program -- we're so happy to give our girl more time before true kindergarten!)

What to do with all this energy? I decided to cook dinner. It was a small victory. I've not done much more than assemble sandwiches and speed through Hello Fresh meal cards as of late. Doing something small like slicing cucumbers let me feel like I had at least some control over my current destiny. And thank goodness for borrowing a baby swing that freed up my back to move swiftly around the kitchen!

Here she is:

This recipe is based on one from the Moosewood Simple Suppers cookbook. It's a variation of the Vietnamese Noodle Salad that appears on page 111. Can I tell you how great it feels to cook from a book? To page through countless recipes and decide that -- YES! THIS is the ONE! On another note, calling dinner supper makes the meal so much more fulfilling, no?

Here's what you do:

• Chop one cucumber, one carrot, 4 scallions, and whatever other veggies (maybe cherry tomatoes?) you like and toss them into a large bowl.
• The dressing: Mix together 1/4 cup vegetable oil, 1/4 cup lime juice, 2 tablespoons sesame oil, 1-2 teaspoons red curry paste, 1 heaping tablespoon crunchy peanut or sunflower butter, pinch or two of salt, 1/4 cup chopped basil, and the juice from an inch of grated ginger. 
• Cook up 8 ounces of buckwheat soba noodles. Rinse them with cold water and add to the veggies in the bowl. Toss everything in the dressing and serve with tofu croutons.

For the tofu, I used these instructions, tossed the cubes in arrowroot powder, and instead of parchment or anything, I just sprayed the baking sheet with olive oil and baked for 40 minutes.

I have a lot of thoughts to share this week. Obviously with a birthday around the corner, I'm feeling particularly introspective. Plus, I'll be back soon with notes from our wild Wildwood vacation. There was a last-minute opening at a rental Stephen's family has used for over 30 years. We snatched it up on a Friday morning and left Saturday at 6AM.

Do I recommend traveling with a 5-week-old? Stay tuned . . .

Oh! And today is also dairy free day # 1. I'm overwhelmed thinking about it, since my favorite food group on vacation was burrata cheese. I started my day with some vegan overnight oats. I don't love the texture, so I'm not sure if I'll repeat. Anyway, I'll share my progress and any changes I see in Eloise's colic or reflux habits.

Peace out!

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Happy Birthday // Ultrasound Update

Today is my sweet Ada Mae’s 4th birthday! She’s off at school right now celebrating with her classmates. What the teachers do is have the birthday kid take on the roll of “snack helper” for the day. She got to bring in little cupcakes for her friends, she gets to ring some snack bell, and I think she gets to be the leader of the hand-washing line. These are important things, people!

I’ll write more about Ada’s birthday after we have her party (very small) next weekend. Stephen was away for the XC state meet this past weekend, which is why we delayed it a bit. Stay tuned . . .

Next up: I don’t know how consistent I’ll be with blogging for the next month or so. I’m trying my best, but getting my work done has been tough enough with all the morning sickness. Which I’m thrilled to have, don’t get me wrong, it’s just blindsided me how much worse it is than when I was pregnant with Ada. With Ada's pregnancy, I actually got sick maybe a handful of times. It was mostly nausea. I even wrote a post with some of my tricks for dealing with sickness.

Guess what? None of them work this time around. Joke is on me!

This time, I’ve been getting sick at least 3 times a day and feeling nauseous almost 100% of the time otherwise. Even in the middle of the night. Unless I eat c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y. (and -- btw -- all food looks and smells wretched), I will get sick. But then I also get sick because I’m too full. And then I also get sick for no reason whatsoever. Things that do help are sorbet popsicles, Sour Patch Kids (ew), and freezer waffles, but only the mini kind. But then all that changes day to day.

Exercise also makes me sick right now, so I won’t be a running machine this pregnancy. I do 3 very slow miles 3 to 4 times a week. Otherwise, not much. I am accepting that I will probably gain a bit more, lose tons of fitness, etc. But that’s another post for another day. I’m just so happy to be pregnant, so I’m going to do everything in my power to enjoy it and nurture myself in the process.

That brings me to our ultrasound news.


At my first appointment, my awesome fertility doctor said: “you’re going to want a peace of mind ultrasound, no?” And I was like YES. So, I went in for that one last week when I was 7 weeks 4 days. With our missed miscarriage, the baby measured 11 days behind with a barely detectable heartbeat at 7 weeks and 4 days. To say I was anxious before getting into the exam room is a huge understatement. I was terrified.

But it was all good! The embryo measured 7 weeks, 4 days exactly. And that flicker of light had turned into a measurable 168 beats a minute heart rate! I was absolutely ecstatic because -- though anything can still happen -- there’s nothing looking odd or behind or off with this pregnancy. I am starting to relax just a little bit.

I have another ultrasound (I feel very fortunate) for my intake with the midwife I’ll be seeing next Monday. I’ll be 9 weeks and 1 day. Everyone says that second pregnancies (well, I guess this is technically my 5th -- weird) go so fast, and mine is certainly crawling due to everything we’ve been through. I do think if things are looking good that we will probably tell Ada after this appointment. It’s been hard throwing up so frequently and just saying “Oh, mommy is sick.” She knows SOMEthing is going on.

This post is getting sort of long. I have a lot more random stuff to fill you in on, so I’ll do a part II tomorrow. Hope you all had a great weekend! I’m off to make today great for my little lady. I cannot believe she’s 4! I remember laboring like it was yesterday. And here I go getting all misty eyed.

HAPPY MONDAY!

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Birthday Musings

I’m all over the place these days. For the first time in ages, I just don’t have my posts planned and scheduled. So, thanks for your patience with these sporadic, random updates. I’m trying to keep myself from going insane until my next appointment later in the month. After that, I think I might be able to at least breathe a bit. Staying hopeful for a healthy pregnancy after the year we’ve had is proving nearly impossible for me. I wish I was a less sensitive person.

Anyway, November is Ada’s birthday month (FOUR!).

So, I’ve been slowly planning her party. It’s going to be small (probably 5 kids maximum -- next year we will invite more kids + do something crazy for turning five) and revolve around all things Play-Doh. We won’t be having it near her actual birthday because Stephen’s cross country team will be at states that weekend (they have their qualifying meet today -- big excitement!).

But here are my preliminary plans:

• I figure we’ll set up the dining room table as a Play-Doh station (and here), complete with tools and mats for creating stuff. 
• The party is at 3, so lots of snacks, probably a sheet pizza, but no heavy dinner foods.
• The favors will be little containers of homemade doh or something like that.
• The colors for the party will be, well, rainbow. 
• I’ll probably bake up One-Bowl Vegan Cupcakes and do multi-colored frosting. 
• I also like these confetti balloons and sprinkle doughnuts. 
• One of her gifts from us will be this Play-Doh Kitchen! 
• (Image source)

Just hoping I can also somehow keep it simple so it doesn’t look like an explosion. Meh. It’s a kid party, though. I guess that’s just part of the deal. Ada can’t wait for her birthday. And after we celebrate, it’s this huge landslide into Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the new year. Phew!

(PS: Here’s what Ada’s party was like last year, the year before, and for the big ONE.)

Those of you with fall and winter birthday babes -- how do you plan your parties? 

I am a summer baby, and most of mine were in the great outdoors on warm summer afternoons. So much easier that way! We recently went to a party at a bounce castle place, and it was AWESOME. We are thinking of booking that for Ada’s party next year and having a larger group.

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Cookie Dough Stuffed Cupcakes

You see . . . Pinterest wasn't a thing when I started blogging many (many) years ago. I get aggravated at how food blogging (and everything else, it seems) has become this ever-escalating let's-see-who-can-come-up-with-the-craziest X, Y, or Z. In other ways, however, I get struck by genius at every turn. Yeah, as much as I hate to admit it, Pinterest gives me inspiration, even for the foods I share on my own blog because sometimes I like to push the limits.

So, I'm two weeks too late for this to officially be a birthday cake. Still, I wanted to whisk up something delicious for dessert to celebrate the big 3-1. And I took two existing recipes on this site and used this stuffed cupcake recipe (thanks for sharing, Tyler + Pinterest gods) as my inspiration.

Sprinkles = optional, but highly recommended.

(VEGAN) COOKIE DOUGH STUFFED CUPCAKES
with a chunky peanut butter + coconut "fudge" frosting

What you'll need . . . 

• 1 recipe-ful of Half Dozen Chocolate Chippers (do not bake, leave out baking powder)
• The cupcake batter from the Big Hunk O'Love Cupcakes recipe*
• The Frosting from the Big Hunk O'Love Cupcakes recipe

* These peanut butter + chocolate + banana stuffed cupcakes are delicious too! You should try them! As a note: I used CHUNKY peanut butter in the frosting this time around.

Method . . .

1. Make your cookie dough and then spoon out into 12 equal sized balls. Freeze for a couple hours until hardened.
2. In the meantime, make your cupcake batter. If you're waiting for everything to freeze, place it in the fridge while you wait. Just be sure to take it out 20 minutes or so before baking.
3. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Line a standard cupcake pan with paper liners, then fill each 2/3 full + otherwise evenly distribute cupcake batter.
4. Place one frozen cookie dough ball into each cupcake, then place in the oven for 10 minutes. Then rotate 180 degrees and bake for another 20-25 minutes. Until toothpick inserted into the cupcake (not the cookie dough) comes out clean.
5. Take cupcakes out of the oven to cool completely before frosting.
6. Then spread frosting and decorate however you wish. I like to keep my cupcakes in the refrigerator, which makes the frosting turn into that refrigerator fudge consistency. Do whatever you like. It's your party!

// YUM

This recipe makes 12 large cupcakes for a fraction of the cost they'd be at the bakery. No, really. I can't believe how much a good cupcake costs these days. I'd much rather make my own. And if you really strip this recipe/process down, you'll see it's is far less daunting than it seems.

I promise.

What sweet or savory treat did you eat to celebrate your birthday this year?

And be sure to check out another amazingly fun (never)homemaker hybrid recipe -- Half Dozen Chocolate + Peanut Butter Swirl Cookies. Might be one of my favorites . . . ever.

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(Gas) Grilling Pizza

I love grilled pizza. It's been a long time (a LONG time) since I've written about our favorite BBQ food on the blog. In fact, the last time I talked about our process for grilling pizza was just after the new year in 2010. That's right. We make grilled pizza no matter the time of year or (frigid) weather. We've even made cheesy flatbreads on the grill -- I'm pretty much obsessed with grilling anything and everything.

We recently purchased a gas grill, and our method had changed. Over the years, too, we've picked up some new tips and tricks, so I wanted to revisit.

In the summer, we make grilled pizza at least once a week. Twice, if we're lucky. If you haven't had a chance to try it out yet, be sure to check out my recent piece for Wise Bread: This Is How You Grill Pizza At Home. It's a goodie -- and I don't get paid per click or anything to share my articles, so just go and read it! NOW!

Some additional tips from my home kitchen, er, patio:

• Use all white flour in your crust recipe. It promotes better gluten production and will mean less tearing of your pizza on the grill.
• Olive oil is your FRIEND, people. Lube it up. The dough and the grill. And char marks are definitely tasty, just remember there's a fine line between beautifully charred and horribly burned.
• You'll want all your toppings at the ready before you start. We often grill veggies for the whole week and just put them in little prep bowls for easy pinching.
• Experiment. One of our most favorite grilled pizzas involved brie and grilled peaches.

And I'll be sharing my new favorite crust recipe sometime next week. I have one more trial before it's perfecto. If you have a charcoal grill, don't miss our old trusty tips from 4-1/2 years ago (!). Seriously, once you try this at home -- you're hooked for life.

Also: Happy Birthday to ME! I turn 31 today (here are my thoughts on 30), and I'm celebrating at the beach! For more vacation photos, follow me on Instagram.


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Chocolate + Walnut Breakfast Cake

It was Stephen's 30th birthday this weekend.

So, I figured: Why not eat cake for breakfast?

CHOCOLATE WALNUT BREAKFAST CAKE
vegan recipe, refined sugar free

What you'll need . . .

• 1/2 cup whole wheat flour
• 1/2 cup cornmeal
• 1 cup raw walnuts, pulsed into flour
• 1/2 cup coconut sugar
• 1/3 cup cocoa powder
• 1 tablespoon baking powder
• 1/2 cup almond milk
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 cup 15-minute applesauce

Method . . .

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease the inside of a standard bread pan (I used a glass one) and set aside.
2. Then in a large bowl, whisk together your dry ingredients.
3. Then mix in all the wet ingredients until everything is well moistened.
4. Pour batter into prepared baking sheet and bake for 45-55 minutes. Until center is set and edges start to pull away from the sides of the pan.
5. Let cool a while before serving with delicious, healthy toppings.

// TO TOP IT OFF

To make an AM-hours frosting, just combine a quarter to third cup of Greek yogurt with about a tablespoon of creamy peanut butter and a dash of vanilla extract. That's all you'll need. Then top off with some fresh fruit!

You'll want cake for breakfast every single day.

(And, yeah. This is from day #3.)


Please tell me you'll try this recipe!

Or perhaps you'd rather try some Tangerine Breakfast Cookies.

Or maybe some of my personal favorite: Chocolate Peanut Butter Breakfast Cookies.

(You're welcome.)

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Blueberry Applesauce Cakes

I whipped up these cute little cakes for my mother-in-law over the weekend as a belated birthday treat. I used some homemade + handpicked blueberry applesauce I had frozen and then thawed -- as well as some Greek yogurt and sprouted flour. Cakes aren't my forte in the kitchen, so I'd love to refine my skills with baking them.

In my formative learning-to-cook years, I was vegan. As a result, I rarely (and I mean r.a.r.e.l.y) bake anything using milk or eggs or butter. I've developed some crafty ways to use flax eggs and to thicken almond milk for a "buttermilk" effect, etc., but now that I'm garden variety vegetarian, I see no reason not to bake more classically from time to time. I think I may have baked one other cake using eggs in my entire life, so I thought it'd be worth a try to see how they might add to the fluff + binding equation.

Definitely worked.

BLUEBERRY-APPLESAUCE CAKE
with a beautiful neufchatel cheese frosting

What you'll need . . .

• 1/2 cup Greek yogurt
• 1/2 cup blueberry-applesauce*
• 1 cup sugar
• 1/4 cup maple syrup or honey
• 1/2 cup olive oil
• 3 eggs
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 cup sprouted flour
• 1 cup pulsed oats
• 1/4 to 1/2 cup cornmeal
• 2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt

* You can use plain store-bought or homemade applesauce (or cinnamon or strawberry or whatever other kind you have). Alternatively, you may also use pumpkin puree, zucchini puree, or any other puree with a similar consistency to applesauce.


Method . . . 

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Generously grease 6 to 8 ramekins (or a mini bundt cake pan or even a 9 x 13 cake pan). Set aside. Depending on what you use to bake the cake, you may have some batter leftover.
2. In a large bowl, combine the Greek yogurt, applesauce, sugar, maple syrup, and olive oil. Then whisk in the eggs and vanilla. 
3. In another bowl, sift together the flour, oat flour, and cornmeal. Distribute evenly the baking powder, soda, and salt. Then add these dry ingredients to the wet mixture.
4. Mix by hand until just combined. Then fill your ramekins about 3/4 full and bake for around 30 minutes. Cake is done when edges brown and a toothpick comes out clean.
5. Let cool completely before frosting.

// For the frosting + assembly . . .

Combine 8 ounces neufchatel or cream cheese with 1 cup powdered sugar, 2 tablespoons milk or almond milk, and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract. Begin beating on low and work up to high speed, adding powdered sugar to taste + texture preference.

Then -- if using ramekins -- slice the cake into three pieces, frost between layers, and top with something pretty. I'm not sure if this marigold is edible (some are, some aren't), so it's just for looks.

Something's just more special about individual cakes, don't you think? And I'm thinking there will be more cakes to come. I really enjoyed baking this one, especially now that I'm not cooking as much. This week related to the vegetarian freezer month of meals, I'll be sharing some of the recipes as well as thawing and cooking tips!

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Time for a Turnaround

You're right.

It's beyond wanting to lose weight, eat less sugar, or be happier.
To exercise more and attain some major fitness goal.
It's beyond food and babies and bigger houses.
Beyond, beyond, beyond.

I hesitate getting too personal when it comes to mental health on this space. I get a variety of reactions, good and bad and also amateur psychologist, when I delve deep. But I figure enough of you are here for the good that I'll forge ahead with what my mind + heart really wants me to focus on for a while. It's time for a turnaround. Not some quick fix, 7-day plan or other gimmick.

I find myself physically running in almost all my spare time, criticizing my diet when at rest, and continually searching for different houses, different towns, different jobs -- basically anything different that would snap me out of whatever it is.

I'm in a constant state of searching. I've always been this way. Part of it, honestly, is just a hobby (obsessed with real estate and architecture, always love imagining what it's like to live in another gal's shoes, etc.) but it's gotten a little overboard lately.

Which is when I realized that I'm not actually searching for any of these things specifically. I'm seeking -- instead -- internal change and some fundamental lifestyle shifts that go far beyond diet and exercise. From the inside versus the outside. A spark, too.

I took some time to allow myself to have a long internal conversation. I took a piece of paper and wrote down the things about my life that leave me uninspired or frustrated or those areas where I'd like to focus on growth and development.

I limited myself to the top 10 and then decided I'll start small with just five.

In no particular order:

+  +  +  +  + 

#1: Re-examination of my diet. I have been a vegetarian for as long as I can remember. But I haven't always given my body all the things, especially protein, that it needs. If I want to continue to be meat-free, I need to take the effort and energy to eat the foods that best feed my body and brain. 

Plan: I am going to approach this one through my love for cooking. It's easy to fall into a rut when it comes to making food. In my case, I've not been prioritizing it enough -- leaving dinner until the later hours and sort of snacking through my day. Through reconnecting with my love for cooking (and hopefully learning some new techniques and  recipes along the way), I hope to more naturally fall into a groove of healthier eating versus saying NO sugar, NO alcohol, NO this or that. Food is fun, no?

+  +  +  +  + 

#2: Rejuvenation of my social life. In many ways, being a mom is great socially. I have some nice mom-friends. When I left my full-time job, however, I sort of became a hermit. I often turn down opportunities to connect with other people or take the effort it takes to go out and seek new friendships. Part of this is my own long-standing introvert status. Part of it is falling out of habit.

Plan: Start saying YES when it comes to invitations. Start making the effort to drive more and connect with my friends who might not live in my city. Make more phone calls instead of emails. I may even quit Facebook for a while and see if that helps me go from virtual staying-in-touch to actual getting together, etc. This is particularly difficult for me, but whenever I do see my friends, I am infinitely happier.

+  +  +  +  + 

#3: Cultivation of my professional life. I have some great gigs going, but at the end of the day I'm often left wondering where I'm headed career-wise. I would love to make freelancing a real THING. I mean it is already, but I could be doing more and learning more. In addition, I have also wanted to explore some different careers for when our children are in school and I might want to do something outside the home.

Plan: Start a list of books and resources for freelancing and READ them. Reach out to my friends who are already successful and getting published online or elsewhere. I'm interested in writing about food, but I have a degree in writing and am excited to see what other avenues I could explore with it. In addition to all of this, I want need to carve out a proper office space for myself. Even if it's a corner of a room.

+  +  +  +  +  

#4: Action toward more financial freedom. I think my biggest source of stress on a daily basis has to do with money. Whether I'm making enough money. Or if we're spending too much money. We have our good times and bad times. We don't have credit card debt, but our student loans are heftier than most and things that sounds interesting + cute like a $50 grocery budget should really be happening more practically than just in theory. We are still in good shape with our savings, but after a few home projects this summer, I feel like we're slipping down the slope.

Plan: I'd like to revisit our budget and track our expenses again for a couple months. I'd like to see if there are any areas where we could modify our current spending habits. Including the possibility of downsizing our home to save $$$ each month without much effort (though this might not be possible because we recently refinanced, hmmm). In addition, I'd like to be more mindful of the money we spend on weekends and stop using "good months" as an excuses to spend more money when we should be saving instead.

+  +  +  +  + 

#5: Giving in and trying something new. (Oops, broke parallel structure there!) So, yeah. I am always searching, but never actually doing. Marveling at the things other people do. Saying "I could do that" or "I WANT to do that." I would like to stop sitting on the sidelines and explore my interests. I know I have limited time and resources, but there are plenty of opportunities for personal growth and enjoyment all around me. I just need to seize the day, I guess.

Plan: Find one new activity or class or group or something else to try out and stick with it for a while. This one's the biggest open-ended of the items I wanted to tackle on my list. So, I haven't given specifics except I need to figure it out before Stephen returns to work in September.

+  +  +  +  +  

What I realized through all of this "work" is that I'm not a sad person. In fact, I am happy with my life in so many ways. It's more of a unfulfilled feeling. I think with having a child, deciding to work from home, and not having an easy transition with it all, I've done OK, but I'm ready to start thriving again.

Still, I cycle between stress and then avoidance, leading eventually to more + more stress and very little progress. I'm not investing a lot of time into myself and the areas where I am investing (mostly exercise and work), I'm reaping little reward when it comes to how I feel.

Except for being a mom to this awesome girl. But I know it's more than healthy to want to be more than a mom at this stage in life. Healthy for me. Healthy for our whole family.

And so much of health is mental, isn't it?


I'm sure you were expecting some type of post like this since I turned 30 on Sunday. It actually wasn't that big a deal. It just got me thinking about time and my role in my own life. Though I am always looking for outside change, ultimately I will need to either go and MAKE those changes or see if whatever it is could be solved inside my head.

And that's how I'd like to spend my next decade.  

How about you?

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Mommy Runner: Part I

If you are into my sappy side, you can read some of my thoughts on Ada turning one. Yes. I'm in hyper-reflection mode this week. Fittingly, I have been thinking quite a bit about my running over the past year.

Along with all the milestones and major events related to my role as "mommy" -- one of my proudest accomplishments is continuing my running through the good times and bad. At first, I wasn't sure how it would go -- juggling everything with a newborn, that is. Sure, there have been several interests and activities I've had to put on the back burner (learning to sew, anyone?).

The fact is: Ada's turning one, but I've nurtured my internal running buddy for over 10 years.

When I think of it that way, it becomes clear to me why I couldn't let that particular relationship slip. Running is a huge part of me. My identity as a mother is the most important -- chief of all. However, without attention to the other things that make me who I am, I'd be lost.

Running at 5 weeks . . .

. . . and 52 weeks!


Here are 5 reasons I love being a mommy runner!

#1: My mental health. I've had a rocky year. I'm sure many first-time parents can likely relate. Sometimes the only way I could get peace of mind was to head out and put one foot in front of the other. I'm the type of person who gets paralyzed when I'm stressed out, so making myself get outside, breathe fresh air, and move my body helps more than anything else. 

#2: Obviously my physical health benefits from continued running. My body didn't respond to breastfeeding by losing weight. Actually, I think I held onto a good five pounds. I was just reading an article in Shape that declared one of the best ways to lose weight after baby is breastfeeding. I laughed out loud. And then cried a bit -- just kidding. This magic weight loss "rule"  is NOT true for everyone, even when you live a healthy and active lifestyle.

#3: I get time -- ME-time. I know I've complained about not getting enough time to indulge my interests. In reality, that's a rare luxury that not many moms (or PEOPLE, for that matter) can enjoy. When all else fails, I know I have at least half an hour each day when I can get out of the house by myself. If it's a particularly bad day, maybe that half hour is only 20 minutes. Whatever. But at least if I run, I know I get to take a shower too.

#4: I already mentioned it above: Running is a huge part of my identity. It's one of the first things I decided to do for myself as an adult. As you all know, I left my desk job this year to work at home and stay home with Ada. Sometimes it's isolating and confusing changing roles so drastically. But just as I was always much more than a marketing coordinator or administrative assistant in my "old" life, so too am I more than just a mom and writer.

#5: Talk about isolating. My social life has also benefited greatly from continued participation in the running community. I don't get out much during the week because Ada's napping is weird and I'm working when she's sleeping anyway. But on weekends, I try my best to make it to group runs and chat with my buddies. Races mean we need to get someone to watch Ada, which is good practice for other things, like DATE nights. (We need more of those this year -- that's for sure!)

I also intended to share some tips on how I've fit running into my life. How Stephen and I both do, really. The way it works now isn't the way it used to when I had unlimited time and far less obligations. The post got way too long, so I'm saving that information for later in the week.

If you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them, just leave a comment or email us at neverhomemaker [at] gmail [dot] com.

And if you're a mom (or dad) runner, what is the #1 reason you keep at it?

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Tuesday

We're having a cranky week over here. But at last! Here is the recipe for Stephen's fabulous birthday cake. It might not look like much. Don't be fooled -- it's a keeper. The cake is dense and moist, decedent but, here's that word again, h.e.a.l.t.h.y . . . and there's no need for frosting. A dusting of confectioners' sugar would be nice. Even naked, though, it's one of the best cakes I've ever made.

Reminiscent of banana bread, but with some extra sweetness for when celebration calls . . .

CHOCOLATE-BANANA BEER CAKE

What you'll need . . .

• 2 large bananas
• 3/4 cup yogurt (or your favorite non-dairy sub)
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 1 cup nut brown beer (or stout, porter, other dark ale)
• 1/2 cup Earth Balance (or butter)
• 2/3 cup cocoa powder
• 1 cup dark brown sugar
• 2 cups whole wheat flour
• 1 tablespoon baking soda
• 1/2 tsp salt

Method . . .

1. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees F. Generously grease a 9" x 13" cake pan (I used a glass one).
2. In the bowl of an electric mixer, whisk together the bananas until they are smooth.
3. Whisk in the yogurt.
4. In a medium saucepan, heat the beer over medium-high heat. Add in the vanilla, Earth Balance, cocoa powder, and brown sugar.
5. Add this mixture to the banana-yogurt mixture. Combine until well incorporated.
6. Add the flour, baking soda, and salt. Mix until there are no clumps.
7. Pour cake batter into your prepared pan and place in the oven. Bake for 30 to 40 minutes. A toothpick inserted into the center of the cake should come out clean.

In other news: That incredible pizza we told you about on Friday? Yeah. The method of baking works well with almost all doughs. We tried it (preheating the oven to 500 degrees F with the pizza stone inside, cranking it to broil at bake-time) with our Pumpkin Pizza Dough. Fantastic.

And if you're catching up on (never home)maker, baby! -- we posted a cute photo series with Ada and her first pair of flats. The new family blog should be live by tomorrow. Can't wait!

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Watermelon Hydro-Cooler

We finally sliced into the watermelon yesterday afternoon. And this morning's 4-mile run -- OK, it was a humid, steamy, sticky, sweaty run/walk -- left me more-than thirsty. Parched, really.

I've made watermelon smoothies in the past, but could never figure out a way to make them at least somewhat creamy. So, I added banana this time around. Good news: It seemed to do the trick just fine.

WATERMELON HYRDO-COOLER

What you'll need . . .

• 1 cup watermelon slices (de-seeded)
• 1 cup ice
• 1 large banana
• 1/3 cup applesauce

Toss everything into your blender and blend. Drink immediately, as it tends to separate after 20 minutes (into water and fruit).

Last night, we headed to Cape May to have my 28th birthday dinner at Panico's Bistro (my favorite restaurant from our babymoon). First, we had to wait for some boats to cross under the drawbridge.


I snapped some shots of the tidal rivers from the car while we waited.


Eventually, we got to Panico's. If you're ever in Cape May, add this place to your must-go list. After last night's meal, I've declared it my favorite Italian restaurant of all-time.


And no birthday is complete without cake!


Oh, and maybe I should mention I haven't worn make-up in over a week. I look tired!


Chocolate-chocolate mousse cake. I may or may not have eaten a piece with for breakfast.


Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. No comment . . .

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Twenty-Eight on the 28th

I'm bad at taking photos of myself. Especially in mirrors. But, today I turn 28 -- so, documentation isn't only fun, it's required.

Oh, geez . . . PS: Would it KILL us to keep our room tidy?


The day began with breakfast at my favorite shore spot: Uncle Bill's Pancake House:


My pick? Peanut butter-M&M pancakes. They sure got our baby girl kicking . . .


Other plans include a dip (or four) in the pool:


Maybe even some more time with these cuties:


A bit of blogging:


And several hours at the beach:


I even skipped my workout this morning. Yesterday's 5-miler on the beach (and subsequent trip to the gym) has me beat! Read more on (never home)maker, baby!


And don't forget to enter the Mighty Leaf Iced Tea Giveaway!

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