The Dark Cloud

I will just admit that lately (for a while?) I’ve felt like there’s this dark cloud over my head following me around. And the thing is, this isn’t depression or negativity talking. It isn’t all in my head either. It’s merely a series of unfortunate events in rapid succession that’s becoming quite frankly ridiculous. Almost laughable in a sick way . . . and there have been so many times when I’ve thrown my hands up and begged the heavens to tell me who is in control here. If anyone, but I’ll get to that.

To add to everything that happened last week -- the miscarriage, the D&C, Ada’s well-timed stomach bug, etc., I had planned to go home to Pennsylvania for some much needed rest and relaxation. I was excited to connect with friends and spend time with family and ease the transition back into everyday life. I thought the change of scenery would be good for my mood. In all, it’d be this fun little mini-vacation to get my mind off the obvious.

Ada and I hopped in the car Sunday morning to make the two hour drive with some snow on the ground. Nothing major or piling on the roads, and nothing still falling from the sky. I got around a half hour away from home and the snow picked up considerably. I also realized I had forgotten the emergency medicine the doctor gave me if anything weird happened after my procedure. Anyway, the fog rolled in -- and visibility was getting tricky. I considered turning around but was making good time despite having a bit of nagging anxiety about the whole thing. Hormones.

Well, I decided to take the highway the whole way home versus this back way due to the weather. We buzzed by an accident and a few miles later -- likely due to the visibility -- and I noticed my tire pressure alert lit up. Less than 30 seconds later the car started violently shaking and making this loud noise on an overpass with absolutely nowhere to pull over. My speed at this point was over 70 mph and I was so worried slowing would get us in a major accident.

I mean, seriously? Seriously?!

Thankfully I kinda sorta knew the area and somehow was able to flip on the hazards and limp the car to a Friendly’s parking lot -- and the restaurant was open for Sunday brunch. That all sounds incredibly heroic. Instead, I flipped on my hazards, started shaking and crying and saying over and over again “please, please, please get to a parking lot.” I stepped outside the car and my back driver’s side tire was completely blown.

My parents graciously offered to come to my rescue versus calling AAA since I was halfway between my start and destination. But somewhere in the hour it took them to get to me, I just resigned myself to the situation. I had to go back home . . . immediately. Something just felt wrong. So, I ordered Ada some pancakes with candy in them and chocolate milk (yup), and we shifted our plans.

Well, it gets “better” because the cloud followed me back home. Last night I definitely figured out why something was keeping me from going away this week. I ended up very suddenly needing that emergency medicine I had initially forgotten. I don’t need to go into the gory details, and I’m doing OK today, but let’s just say miscarriages -- especially missed ones -- just drag on and on and on no matter what apparently. I think it’s fitting as I write this post that it’s incredibly dark and rainy outside. I feel like I, too, am just looking for spring to come in and for the sun to shine on my life again.

I write this not for sympathy or anything like that. And there’s been good stuff recently, too. I’m more than open to the positives (seeking them, even), but geez, universe. Cut me some slack! I’ll be back tomorrow with some random things that are going well. I’m just curious if anyone else had just had a period of days or weeks, etc., where it seemed like "WOW, I’m ready to get off this ride.” It’s making me a stronger person . . . but I think my muscles need a break.