Some Thoughts on Life With Three Kids

I recently asked you guys what you wanted to read about if I ever got the chance to sit down and write. Resoundingly, many of you asked what life is like with three kids. Or -- if you already have three kids -- what our daily schedule is like. Basically, a good number of you want to know what life am I living right now with children who are ages 7.5, 3, and 9 months.

This is way too much to cover in just one post, so today I thought I'd focus on how I don't have myself together. Like, at all. A few of you asked for tips and tricks on how to make life easier or more organized with three. I don't have those answers, and I wish I did. A few months ago, I was able to clean my entire house to the point of it being magazine-worthy. Today, it's a mess. I'm a mess!

Here's what I've come to realize: We all only have so much energy. Only so much time. And we have a gazillion priorities and things that NEED to be done today. If not YESTERDAY. It goes without saying that we cannot do it all, right? In summer, my husband is home from teaching and I feel like we get less done than ever. Our days right now have some semblance of structure . . . but, overall, we're going nowhere and getting very little done.

It drives me insane.

That isn't to say that having time to rest and free ourselves from the hectic pace of life isn't good and worth dwelling in. I'm talented at saying no and freeing up our schedule if I feel like we're doing too much. But there's the great void that you can fall into if you're not careful. I'm a person who thrives on routine. Working from home the last eight years has made it difficult for me to feel a sense of accomplishment. The days all run into the next days. It's maddening at times.

Throwing three kids into the mix of this can make me feel like a failure of a mom. Sure, I'm taking care of basic needs. Sometimes just keeping the kids alive is enough to give myself a big pat on the back. Other times, I feel I fall short in addressing their more complicated needs. Or in just providing opportunities for them to grow and expand their horizons. I'm a big believer in letting kids be bored and not providing tons of planned out activities. However, sometimes I feel like I just use that sentiment as an excuse to be lazy.

I'm at a point of introspection right now. It happens every summer. I take stock of what's going on and I think of ways to improve. Sometimes things stick. Other times, we end up in the same place we were before. My advice to those of you who are looking to make life with three kids easier is not to listen to me. You have to examine your own family. What areas do you feel are going well? Where do you think things are feeling crazy or like they're just not working? What are our family goals? How are we working toward them . . . and how are we working against ourselves?

We're currently discussing these important questions and how to address them. For example, I try to keep activities limited. Ada only does like one major "sport" (gymnastics) at a time. Then she does an informal choir. She doesn't do anything organized or that meets weekly beyond that. If we find something else, like a random weekend class, we'll consider adding it in if things aren't too busy. Resist feeling like you're not providing enough if you just have your child in one activity. I have to remind myself of this, too, because it seems like everyone I know has their kids in something every day of the week. They spend their afternoons, evenings, and weekends shuttling one here and the other there -- quite literally everywhere.

Which brings me to self-care. This is an area I don't do well with at all. It's going to be the topic of my next post. I'm not talking getting manicures and pedicures either. Basic tasks like feeding yourself throughout the day, drinking water, getting sleep when you can, and getting enough exercise are so, so, so important. When we have kids -- especially three or more -- self-care can easily fall by the wayside without us even realizing it. I learned this the hard way, as I've been struggling with a cycle of starve/binge eating . . . and, again, I didn't even realize I was doing it until I took a step back and realized what was going on.

Life with three kids is wonderful at times. At others, it can be chaotic and make you question all your major decisions. It can make you feel insecure and depressed. I wish it were easier. I wish there were more universal tips and tricks that would lend to more simplicity. But as much as the Internet and social media might like us to believe, there's no filter to wash over the tough times and make them prettier to deal with. Hey, at least we're in good company!

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Why Minimalism Doesn't Work For Me

Alright, so I definitely do label myself as an "aspiring minimalist" -- but really, that's not really what I mean. I definitely like the basic idea of only owning what you need . . . and living with less . . . and valuing quality over quantity . . . and examining priorities with regard to purchases and stuff in general. I like the aesthetic of a space that is calm and empty aside from the essentials.

And I freaking LOVE the feeling I get after a good purge.

Ohhhhh, yeah. Clear it all out. All of it!

Where my feelings on the subject deviate, I suppose, is when it comes to what I consider the new challenge culture that we live in. The rampant trend of minimalism. The consumerism aspect of it, too (crazy, but it's a thing!).

I'm the first to admit that I'm not high and mighty on this subject. I've tried many, many, many challenges and trials in the last many years. But it's the whole capsule wardrobe -- only owning 10, 25, XX items of clothing. Or getting rid of everything to the point of it being almost too much. Or feeling pressure to buy "the RIGHT" things to make myself feel like a law-abiding minimalist (which is wrong on so many levels, right?).

I think there's this tendency when we as humans get interested in any particular thing to go ALL IN. (Or maybe it's just people who have personality types like mine.) If I don't, I feel like I'm doing a half-assed job of it. Or like I'm setting myself up for failure. Or like I shouldn't even bother. For example, if my kids clothes don't all coordinate or mix-and-match, I'm doing it wrong. If I have too many coffee cups, I've failed. If I hold onto much sentimental (yearbooks, I'm looking at you!), it's ridiculous. Etc.

What am I saying?

OK. I think it's hard not to get caught up in the Keeping Up With The Joneses version of minimalism that's circulating the internet. The closet challenges. The photos of neatly coordinated wooden toys. The clean white sheets and crisp slipcovers. THE IDEA THAT MINIMALISM WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE PERFECT AND EASY. Sorry to yell, but I have found living this way to actually be quite hard work. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. But I'm sure a few of you in the back seats know what I'm talking about.

The thing is, it actually should be easy. That is, if you're doing it right for you.

This last time I purged my house and organized my belongings, I tried very hard to separate out my own needs from the ones that I've drooled over on Instagram feed. The ones that I've read "SHOULD" be how I do things. I've decided that "minimalism" can have a different definition depending on your own family's needs. Maybe that's not technically true, but I'm declaring that you can pick and choose what you want from the concept.

And maybe we don't have to label ourselves at all!

(Wouldn't that be wild?)

Here's what I like:

• Thinking before I buy new things. Taking a bit of time to ponder if I envision that new thing in a donation box in the near future. Or if we might already have something that functions just fine -- it helps me resist filling my cart at Target.
• Being grateful for what we have. This means taking care of our existing stuff -- however mismatched or basic it is -- because we already spent money and energy on it.
• Keeping what we are truly using. Versus just going through closets and drawers and tossing anything that doesn't fit my vision for my life, it's important to evaluate what we truly use. Even if it means keeping something like a gigantic tub of obnoxious plastic blocks because my kids LOVE them and haven't touched the blonde wood ones that were hand-carved and personally blessed by a mythical goddess (no disrespect -- but my kids like the plastic ones).
• Regularly revisiting and purging. It's important to go through every so often to see if there's something that is no longer meeting our needs, that's damaged/broken, or that we can otherwise clear out.

So, I guess it isn't that minimalism doesn't work for me. I am -- instead -- working (very hard) to make a version of minimalism make sense for my own family.

Why bother? Because I truly see the merit in the general concepts. And we have way too much crap. I'm getting there with my own process on my own terms. In my next post on this subject, I'll share what I did differently this time around when it came to purging my house, as well as how I plan to actually make it work in the long run.

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Word Vomit

I'm sharing this post quickly as I wait for a swaddle sack to dry (yes, we only have one!) . . . and it's not drying fast enough for this nap to happen when it needs to. Eden also has a very RSV-like cough, runny nose, and general blah. Eloise woke today at 5AM having soaked through her pajamas, sleep sack, and -- worst of all -- llama love. So, that's all in the wash, too. But now that I'm a seasoned pro mom (ha!), I know to keep an extra llama on hand to make a bait-and-switch.

My life, you guys.

This is my life right now.

I love it. But, C'mon. LOL.

I started back working in January. All I can handle right now is about one article each week. It feels good to be writing professionally (read: making money) again. But until things iron out with sleep and winter sickness, I can't see doing any more than that. I fit it in on weekends and on snow days, mostly. I've learned to use the 5AM-7AM window as my sacred time. And I am also too fried to read scholarly journals early in the AM. The brain power will come back, I'm sure.

I also feel very much 35, if not older, lately. I somehow tweaked my neck while nursing Eden in bed and have been basically immobilized the last three days. This means I haven't been running or walking or even looking over my right shoulder. Thankfully it's getting a bit better. But, wow. The things we take for granted.

Where I'm a powerhouse lately is with making food for our family. Our slow cooker is getting more workouts than I am. Usually soups. Split pea, lentil, butternut squash, pumpkin chili, etc. I make absolutely divine loaves of homemade sourdough to accompany. GUESS WHAT! I've cracked the sourdough code. I can now make bread that tastes better and has better texture than what I get at Wegmans. The secret (at least for me) was all in using Bob's Red Mill artisan flour (Yes. I bought this 4-pack because I can't find it anywhere near me and I go through one bag every two weeks). It transformed my starter overnight.

Eden turns four months old next week. We're definitely in some sort of shift. I wouldn't say we've totally hit the big sleep regression yet, but we've had some rocky naps and nights. She's certainly a full-on baby by now. No more newborn stuff. And that means I'm slowly getting rid of everything I've been holding onto for the last eight years. It's all the feels. But I am also very much feeling like I'm ready to move along fully to the next stage of life.

Example: We have friends who go on weekend getaways with their school-aged kids. And we're like: "I'm jealous!" Same kind of trip would be hell for us right now. In a few years, it won't be so bad.

I forget if I mentioned it on here, but we have a brief and torrid love affair with a house a month or so ago. We wanted it SO BADLY we could cry. But other people beat us to it. It's officially pending and not going to be ours. But you know when you sit for days and imagine your kids getting married in the backyard? Has that ever happened to you? It did for us. Sigh. As a consolation, we decided to purchase a brand new gas range. It'll be delivered Saturday. It will look pretty in our kitchen and allow me to bake better bread so I can continue to eat my feelings.

I'm kidding. Sort of. Not really.

I've been struggling with emotional eating and winter eating and boredom eating. I'm not good with the concept of diets. And intuitive eating puzzles me. As someone who is recovering from an eating disorder (I will always be recovering. It's like anything else.), I have trouble with ALL or NOTHING when it comes to eating. This is an area I'll continue to address. Please don't private message me to get therapy.  I'm a big girl and know my options and it's not actually THAT bad. I've been bad. Binge eating till I could explode. Purging. It's not at all like that. It's just wanting to eating more veggies. The general stuff any normal adult deals with who isn't a healthy living blogger.

(BTW: That last bit sounds terribly defensive. It's not meant to be. I just share everything. As a result, I've had so many people throughout the years armchair diagnose me or try to force some kind of "you are THIS" on me. I want to go all Jerry Springer and be like "Y'all don't KNOW me" because it's true. If you knew me in real life, you'd know how in-tune I am with myself and my good/bad points. I share mostly to relate, not for critique or whatever else. Right now? I'm watching and drooling over way too much Bon Appetit on YouTube.)

Last, it's "dress like you're 100" for the 100th day of school. I think we nailed it!

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My Self-Care List + 10 year challenge

Back when Eden was clusterfeeding almost always, I felt like I had absolutely zero time to myself. My patience was wearing thin. I was starting to feel absolutely crazy. The advantage I have had this time around was that I truly know the tiny baby stage doesn't last forever. I had a lot of trouble with Ada because she was my first . . . and then with Eloise because I had forgotten so much.

Regardless, I whined a lot on Instagram to pass the time. And some of you guys sent me the sweetest and most helpful messages. One person, in particular, gave me an idea that I have been using ever since. She told me that I needed to make a list of self-care things to do so that when I DID get a spare moment -- I wouldn't use up precious time figuring out what to do with myself (or -- worse -- just mess around on my iPhone).

Her approach is genius. Make a list of things you can do that take, say, an hour. And another list of things that take just 10 or 15 minutes. (Because we know that free time comes at a premium -- and it often is given out in short bursts.) Now that Eden is a bit older and taking bottles, I've also included a few things I do if I get several hours to myself on a weekend.

I thought I'd share my list with you today. To keep it brief, I chose my four favorite things for each category. But before I get to the list, I thought I'd share my 10-year challenge with you. My first photo from Facebook is actually from 13 years ago (!!!) and then 5 minutes ago.

HOUR SELF-CARE

• Long walk -- I consider running (30 minutes or so 5 days a week) just part of life, so it's not self-care.  A long walk can be really restorative. I'll often stop and get a warm drink along the way and listen to an audiobook.
• Long shower (I don't do baths) + play with my stash of bath + beauty products.
• Baking -- Solo time in the kitchen to go at a bread or brownie recipe I've been eyeing.
• Journal -- I have a Breathe planner I bought this year that's more than just simple to-do lists. I like to spend time thinking/writing in there. And -- yes -- it is something I can spend an entire hour doing.

QUICK SELF-CARE

• Shorter shower -- better than no shower...
• Quickie YouTube yoga or barre session
• Quickie YouTube guided meditation (with ear plugs in, if necessary!)
• Light a candle and just sit quietly in a dark room (I'm big on silence -- I crave it)

OTHER SELF-CARE

• Bookstore outing to browse with a warm drink for a couple hours
• Studio yoga class (I've worked this in once a week now) 
• Drink with a few friends after bedtime (I stay local -- 5 minutes away -- in case of random wakeups from any of the kids)
• Longer afternoon out -- either going to lunch and a movie OR recently Stephen encouraged me to take a day trip to visit one of my best friends in Ithaca. (Remember how I love quiet? My favorite part of that trip was the hour drive to/from where I didn't listen to anything but silence!)

I feel fortunate that my husband is so willing to care for all three kids so I can get out. That sounds weird to say because he's just as much a parent as I am. But I think you know what I mean. We trade off so that we each get time on our own (and it isn't always easy with three different sets of needs to care for), but he's been prioritizing my time in these early months. It doesn't go unnoticed. 

It's also been very helpful that we started bottles just before six weeks. I waited longer with the other two and they never really took to them. If I could go back and do one thing differently from the start of becoming a mom, it would be to do bottles sooner.

Anyway, I'd love to hear what your favorite self-care activities are. 

Share them in the comments!

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Parenting Strengths and Weaknesses

In my own life, I've been trying to examine my strengths and weaknesses as a parent. One reason is that I want to work on myself for the sake of my kids. Yelling all the time isn't something I imagine they want to grow up hearing. On the other hand, I also need to give myself more credit for the things I DO do well, because I'm not the type of person who tends to think positively with self-talk (and that needs to change).

I'm good at getting my kids to sleep. 

Some kids just don't sleep -- and I get that. But I will say that I've had three different kids now . . . and though keeping a consistent schedule and working on sleep issues as they arise, I've been able to get them napping well and sleeping through the night a good portion of the time. (I'm probably jinxing myself!) Of course, there are periods, like teething and developmental leaps, when things go crazy. However, this area has often involved sacrifice and a lot of work on my part, so I consider it something to be proud of and to give myself some kudos for.

I could work on kinder discipline. 

Because I yell -- a lot. I even swear. Are you shocked? Maybe, maybe not. But Ada's at an age now where she'll certainly remember all the yelling and four-letter words (I'm so embarrassed sharing that!). The thing is, I know yelling doesn't really work. I'm dipping my toes into a few parenting books right now and finding out just how ineffective it is. So, yeah.

I'm good at engaging interests and providing activities. 

I'm not a Pinterest mom, but I make sure my kids are exposed to areas that interest them and find ways -- sometimes creative ways -- to provide those activities. For example, Ada wanted to do a sport this fall, but we were short on time and money. I searched around and found a running program that was essentially free on weekends when we had the time to take her. Otherwise, I hunt around for deals on gymnastics leotards and utilize inexpensive school activities rather than signing her up for all the $$$ stuff. With Eloise, I hunt thrift shops to find fun things for her to do at home and -- yes -- I sometimes do take the time to get creative.

I could work on my level of patience. 

I suppose this goes with the yelling. I can go 0 to 60 very quickly when I get miffed. It's as if I have no mental stamina. So, I need my own patience for better discipline and also in times when my kids are possibly TRYING to do good stuff, but just don't have the ability or desire to to it quickly enough for my liking.

I'm good at consistency. 

Maybe this goes along with sleep, but in all areas of life . . . I'm pretty darned consistent. Our family has a predictable schedule. Or if I'm being gosh-gee-golly blogger mom here, we have a rhythm. It changes seasonally and depends on our schedule. However, my kids generally know what to expect at different points of the day, and I think that helps them. I know for sure it helps Eloise because she goes from one activity to the next in life without tantrums (trust me -- she does have them, though! Just not regularly).

I could work on food. 

I know. You may be surprised to read that food is a shortcoming of mine when it comes to my kids. I've gotten quite lazy in the past year, buying lots of packaged snacks and generally not providing much variety of foods. I tried much harder with Ada, but the demands of life have sucked the energy I have had for this area. Last night I took the time to make some granola bars. It's a small step, but it is good to be moving in the right direction. Now, I'm not saying all packaged food is the devil. It's just when your 2-year-old heads to the pantry and crinkles all the wrappers searching to "dinder" because she'd rather have junk food . . . that's when it's a problem.

These are just a few thoughts for today. I think it would be fun to check in again in the future with some more strengths and weaknesses. I'm giving myself some grace here. I'm not going to be the old Ashley and set out and outline for exactly how I'm going to change all these "bad" things about myself. This post was just a mental exercise for me. Maybe you'll feel inspired to do it for yourself as well!

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New Year, New Blog

Happy 2019, friends! It's been a while. I went to bed at 9:15 on NYE and -- as I shared on Instagram yesterday -- our year kicked off quite tumultuously. But today is a new day. We're back in the normal post-vacation routine again. And I feel ready to write. I'm just not sure that (never)homemaker is the space I want to inhabit anymore. I imagine I'll keep up this site for the recipes, as I consult the archives myself on many occasions. Keep an eye out, though. I have a new blog in the works. I hope to get it going sometime this month. Or if I decide it's an awful idea (or if you tell me it's an awful idea), I reserve the right to change my mind.

I love reading everyone's resolutions or intentions for the new year. I can't say I've had much mental space to give it formal thought. But I am taking this time to multi-task and share what I'd like to work on myself. As I have started jotting this down in my head, it seems like my theme is KINDNESS to myself, my family, and my body.

Kind discipline. 

You may or may not be surprised to learn that I scream and shout at my kids. I'm not proud of it. I always pledge to do better. Each night, in fact, I promise myself that I won't yell the next year. And then it seems that I yell more and louder than ever before the next day.

Things in our home feel a bit out of control at the moment. It's the stress of having a newborn combined with the emergence of an insanely stubborn toddler (who has decided after years of good sleep that it's out of fashion) . . . and add in a totally rattled school-aged kid who is very sensitive to noise and commotion.

I've realized that Ada was a really easy toddler. She slept pretty well, had minimal tantrums, and generally went with the flow. Eloise is a whole different story, and I am realizing I have zero skills to help her channel her energy in a different way. So, I watched The Happiest Toddler on the Block yesterday, and already it's helped a bit diffuse a couple situations (and didn't do anything to help others).

I have very limited time and mental space to read. If you were to recommend ONE parenting book, what would it be?

Kind eating and exercise habits

My diet as of late is also out of control. I ate all the bread and sugar over the holidays in the name of breastfeeding hunger. And laziness. And just because I like that stuff and I think it's a common struggle. As I am getting older, I'm finding that my body doesn't rebound as well from a crap diet. I feel hungover the next day after eating poorly (which I define as not having really any fruits or veggies, right? It happened many days last month).

My "diet" for the new year is all about being kind to my body. That means indulging from time to time, but also focusing on eating more healthful, nourishing foods. I will stay vegetarian, but I'd like to ease up on the cheese for a while (it has been making me gassy TMI!) and I need to stop eating SO much white bread, but I cannot give up pizza Fridays or my homemade breads. I'm going to try to make more nutritive treats (chocolate chip cookies made with almond meal and oats instead of flour, for example), too.

I am going to try a couple fads, too. Celery juice in the morning to see what the fuss is about. I'll report back. Plus, I am interested in intermittent fasting after writing an article on the subject last fall. I'm going to experiment lightly with a 14:10 approach.

Exercise time has been difficult to come by as the days have gotten so short and the family demands have shot up. I'd like to run more than I am, but I am setting a goal to hit 15 miles a week. I'd like to add a weekly yoga class to this and maybe a couple short (15 minute) kettlebell sessions.

Kind comparison. 

Or, rather, NO comparison. I've fallen into the comparison trap hard these last months. Like, why can't I seem to just chill and go wherever with a newborn like everyone else? As an example, we pulled Eloise from preschool because the baby just wasn't having the pickup/dropoff schedule because it directly conflicted with her naps. But I see moms making it work and I feel lazy or just plain shame. At the same time, I hated paying so much for something that was bringing my stress.

Anyway, I need to stop caring what "Susan" is doing with her family, how much money "Laura" has, or how fit "Tamara" is so soon after baby. When I'm not on social media, I'm much happier in some ways but then feel isolated in others. So, I need to revisit my own head to figure out how much Instagram or Facebook I want to include in my life.

I also want to strengthen my real life relationships. This period of newborn is hard for me because I really like routine and the naps are keeping us home quite often. So I will need to utilize the evenings and weekends to socialize.

That's all I have time to write for now.

Till next time!

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Catching Up

I basically took the last month completely off from writing -- had you noticed? I was trying to rest up as much as possible before today. The start of school. The start of true cross-country season (it's been going on with practices for the last month). The final countdown in my pregnancy (I'm 32.5 weeks!). It's all a little overwhelming. But I used the time wisely. I worked a lot this summer (freelance-wise AND with nesting projects). It feels good, but I'd be lying if I told you I'm happy to be back in the normal swing of things.

Here's what's up -- with a dose of cuteness from when Eloise was just five days old.

School

Ada starts first grade today. She's incredibly excited and apprehensive all at the same time. I don't blame her because I'm notoriously anxious with good and bad energy during big transitions. She enjoys being home in the summers and getting down time, but I think she's going to love being back in a routine with her friends. I'm having some feelings this year because usually I try to help out in the school a bit and pop in from time to time, but I am not sure how that will work with a new baby and a toddler. I suppose we'll see!

I may have already mentioned that Eloise is starting "school" this year as well. I have enrolled her in a program that meets two mornings each week for 2.5 hours each morning. It's more for me than her, obviously. But I do hope she gains some feelings of comfort being out and about with other adults and kids. She starts next Tuesday. I didn't send Ada to preschool until she was closer to three, so I'm really hoping for a smooth transition. Again, I guess we'll see what happens.

Pregnancy

I think I'm in denial that I'm this far along already. This pregnancy actually went by quite quickly for me, in a start contrast to the extreme anxiety that plagued my pregnancy with Eloise. With her, every second seemed to just tick by so slowly. This time around, I haven't had any complaints physically until more recently. And those are only the "normal" third trimester woes. I've been incredibly fortunate in that regard . . . and I feel like it's a very good note to leave my childbearing years on. That said, I have started getting a bit nervous for birth. Both how it will happen/when it will happen and the actual physical act.

I have a doctor appointment on Friday complete with an ultrasound. Questions I have regard delayed cord clamping (something I've never specifically requested, but I think maybe has been done automatically by my midwives in the past) and timing for when to come in during labor (because my water broke first last time and I have this fear of not recognizing I'm having contractions until it's too late). I keep hearing that third babies are total wildcards, so while I want to believe this baby will arrive neatly like her sisters early in the 38th week, I'm trying to prepare myself for anything.

Work

Freelancing is winding down for me and I have lots of mixed feelings about it. I'm trying to lighten the load in preparation for the baby . . . but I actually like working and I always fear that taking time off will mean I lose jobs or can't find work when I'm ready. In the past, I really lucked into my gigs. As I've become more entrenched as a mom versus a freelancer, my connections have somewhat faded. And my professional mojo is definitely not what it used to be. Right now I'm not sure how I envision working with having three kids and little childcare. In my head, I can see being back at writing very lightly once the baby is three months old . . . ramping up to more "normal" levels when Stephen is home for the summer.

Do any of you work similar gigs? I used to try to make early mornings and nap times work, but I am seeing that that's definitely not going to fly when I have two little ones with different nap schedules and breastfeeding -- as well as a school-aged kid who needs me during the early mornings and late afternoons. I imagine I'll have to make blocks of time for work when Stephen is home and I can physically get out of the house. This is, of course, provided work is still available when I'm ready to return.

Simplification

I dropped my microblogging, and I am hoping to return back to that series now. My goal is to write twice a week. Bonus points if I get to it more often, but no pressure if not. We left off with simple cleaning tricks and how I was possibly considering hiring someone to come once a month to help out. I've dropped that idea because preschool costs money and, well, there's only so much money. What's actually really simplified my cleaning process and made a huge difference at this stage isn't the most eco-friendly thing in the world. But I bought a huge pack of Seventh Generation Disinfecting Wipes. I just go around the house attacking everything with those. It's so easy and everything is so clean.

I don't necessarily want to continue using disposable wipes forever, but right now it's what I need to get a handle on things. Otherwise, we've organized things so well (and it's taken SO long) that I can get the entire house tidy AND clean in about an hour. This may be longer or shorter than it takes you, but it's liberating. Before, just getting all the clutter in some random holding place (usually laundry baskets stashed in the 4th bedroom) took forever. Then I never quite got to the cleaning.

Another random bit of information is that I did all the Christmas shopping for the girls in August this year. My family thinks I'm a bit crazy, but it feels good to have that out of the way.

What's Up Next?

Alright! Thanks for catching up with me. I'll return back to the simplify series again soon. If you have anything you'd like me to cover sooner rather than later, let me know. A few of you requested hearing about our back-to-school routine and how we manage all that. So, I think that's what I'll cover next. Otherwise, I need to power through the rest of the week, power through the first long XC meet on Saturday, and keep on with my to-do list to prepare for Baby E!

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Why Simple Living Isn't So Simple

Every year I seem to cycle between different feelings and goals around the same time according to the seasons. My "new year" isn't a true reset until the summer, usually after we go away on vacation. I have figured that it's likely because we pack only a small portion of our belongings and live with less for between a week to two weeks. I love the simplicity of such limited wardrobes and pared down toys. I eventually get tired of going out to eat and start dreaming of cooking everything from scratch. And then I put on my pioneer mama hat and start dreaming about living in the country.

Of living the simple life.

Pies resting on windowsills 
Children playing quietly with all wooden toys
Happily sweeping crumbs from corners
Wiping down floorboards with vinegar cleaner
Calling dinner "supper" all of a sudden

If you've followed me long enough, I'm sure you've experienced this transformation of mine first-hand. The problem has always been that it doesn't stick. I get caught up in the ideal of doing everything the "simple" way, and it becomes overwhelming. Because -- let's be honest -- milling your own grain and making all your own cleaning supplies isn't always the most convenient or easy task. Sure, you can get used to it and get into a good routine. But then life gets in the way.

There are some people who make all this stuff look so easy-breezy. You know the types. Their blogs and feeds are full of expertly color-coordinated photos of country scenes or everything in unbleached cotton. They seem like they're living in another time entirely. We can dream we live in that time, too. I mean, what's not to love? Not only are they successful in leaning out the non-essentials -- they make it look absolutely beautiful. Because if we're talking about simple living, we also have to recognize that there's a certain brand and aesthetic attached to it all. And that "look" makes it even more appealing . . . aspirational.

Life can be so uncomplicated!
So calm!

Or . . . can it, really?

Yes and no. I understand and appreciate the desire to live simply. We live in hectic, stressful times. We have too much literal and figurative noise in our lives. Many of us want to opt out. To escape. I recognize in myself that there are pure intentions I have with wanting to get back to the basics each year. But I also fully recognize that my efforts don't seem to fully stick in all areas of my life all year round. For example, I make big batches of homemade laundry detergent this time of year only to reach for my old stand-by when time gets away from me, never to return until the next refresh cycle.

Is it hard to make detergent? No.

But, again, simple living isn't always so simple to uphold, especially when life gets busy.

And, boy, can it get busy.

I have no wisdom or quick fix I'm ready to share today. I'm hoping in my microblogging over the next however long to explore some tactics for keeping up my personal goals in this area. But I also want to focus on when giving myself grace is totally OK. Well, it's always good to give yourself grace. We all know that, but the guilt creeps in.

In my next post, I'll share some of my personal goals and how I'm hoping to not only achieve them . . . but also to have them stick. This may mean not having the picture perfect simple life, but -- instead -- striving to find a happy medium where I'm making things work for my family in the long-term. If you feel passionate about this area, I'd love to hear your thoughts and things that have worked for you!

More soon, friends.

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Musings of an Ex-Blogger

I just can't relate to Instagram moms. Nobody is forcing me to. But with social media having such a central spot in daily life (again, my own fault in many ways) . . . I find myself musing on "fitting in" often. So, as I approach my 35th birthday, I've decided to just shed the layer of myself that still cares. It's been a process over many years. I have retreated more and more into my real life versus the one I used to mostly lead online, and -- oh -- how the line gets blurred.

Have you ever been in a conversation and said "well, my friend so-and-so's child does this or that". . . only to realize your friend is an online friend who lives across the country, and you've never actually met? I mean, that sounds ridiculous, but it has happened to me. I've been online in one way or another since like 2007. So, there's both good and bad in that. The extra support can be helpful when you're having trouble relating to people around you and can connect with someone on something specific. But then there's the comparison trap. Like, it gets bad with parenting and kids.

For example: My kid isn't taking accelerated math and reading Shakespeare yet, guys. Should I be worried?

I joke. But, yes, even I'm not immune to feeling a bit behind.

Ok. Where does the title of this post come in?

Well, I have taken to considering myself as more of an ex-blogger. (Can you tell? I've written all of, what, twice in the last two months!) The days of my recipes, DIYs, and writing making a splash on bigger sites or Pinterest feeds is way behind me. I used to get tens of thousands of hits a day on my site from a frozen banana bites post. That's hilarious to me. I mean, I made it BIG, friends.

Anyway, I've pecked along for the last several years and have almost entirely come to a stop this year. I have so many drafts in my blogger feed where I've written for half an hour . . . and when it comes time to post, I simply shut my computer and say to myself:

"Who cares!?"

As I've shared before, I don't live somewhere terribly interesting. There aren't gorgeous vistas or ocean views at every street corner. There isn't some lively city just bustling with activity or entertainment. I don't have unlimited time or funds to shop at farmers markets each day and choose fresh ingredients for nightly home-cooked gourmet meals. You get the idea.

Bloggers -- at least the ones people bother reading -- are INTERESTING for better or worse.

I, on the other hand, am an ordinary person.

Like, completely ordinary.

(That's cool with me, for the record.)

Where I live in an everyday sort of place. There are mostly tract homes that were built in the 1960s . . . many of them look alike and many of them, like ours, are modest. Because we have modest jobs and modest living wages. Our downtown area has made tremendous strides in the last 10 years that we've lived here, which is awesome -- it used to be tumbleweeds with interspersed gang violence -- but we don't go out all that much or feel like sharing too many details with strangers online. We cook fun meals on occasion, but I've been too tired lately to take photos or share recipes and -- let's be honest -- too busy feeding my face.

There's many more reasons I could list, but I am an ex-blogger with a neglected blog. And you'd think I'd just shut the darned thing down instead of stringing myself and those readers I have left along. I've threatened to do it many times, but I've resisted.

I mean, it feels good. It feels good to admit that I've taken myself out of the game. I will admit that I used to care what strangers thought about me, my lifestyle, my house, my running PRs, my kids, and my parenting. I really did. Instagram killed blogging for me. It used to be getting up in the wee hours of the morning and checking my blog reader for new updates. And now it's this ever-present photos and stories and constant visual reminders that people are living way more interesting lives than I am. Or that they have the energy to at least stage their lives in such a way that people fawn all over them.

This is turning into a rant. LOL. So, ex-blogging. It feels good and it feels . . . confusing? I still have this inner need to share. Maybe I need more friends? Maybe not. For an introvert, I've got plenty of good friends and am satisfied with my circle, however decentralized it may be. Just this week alone I'm having four mom-dates or play-dates, etc. (That's a lot for me! But I'm not lonely, so that's not why I retreat online, is what I'm saying.)

There is something I've enjoyed all these years about writing and then putting it out there to live on your screen. So, maybe it's habit that is hard giving up? Or maybe I'm lacking inspiration? Or maybe my life really is this ordinary that it's not worth sharing because, like I've thought many times, nobody cares.

AND THEN THAT'S THE HEART OF IT. I actually DO care about normal lives. I've found myself unsubscribing and rolling my eyes at those aspirational bloggers. Even the ones that profess that they're "down" with reality and us common-folk. I've just been clicking unsubscribe like mad in favor of connecting with everyday people, smaller bloggers who write about plain life lessons, and yadda, yadda, yadda.

It has given me some motivation to stop trying so hard to write something that people want to read. And, instead, to focus on sharing what I want to share with other ordinary people I'm not trying to impress or make envious. This is a long way of saying that, yes. I'm an ex-blogger who's trying to get back into the rhythm (ugh, this year's buzzword) of writing again. And I think I'll do what I did not too long ago where I simply share short snippets (microblogging) of whatever the hell I feel like, whenever I feel like it. But hopefully more regularly.

To those of you still reading, thank you.

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My Major Parenting Decisions, Explained

People are nosey by nature. And I'm an open book. I get so many DMs about different lifestyle and parenting choices we've made with people asking why we do it that way, how it works for us, etc. Usually it's people who are mulling over their own decisions and looking to gather info. So, I figured I'd post some thoughts on the questions I get the most frequently. This is just what works for us as a family. It's not what I think everyone should do by any means.

Our kids are vegetarian and always have been.

So many of you asked me yesterday about why our family is vegetarian and if our kids still are or if they're ever eaten meat, etc. Lots of variations on the general theme. I've written about it in the past, but -- in short -- I decided to stop eating meat when I was 13. I never liked meat, so it was purely a dietary preference thing. I haven't eaten meat since and I was vegan for several years in college and different spurts in my twenties. For me, being a lacto-ovo vegetarian works best, which means I eat milk and cheese and eggs, etc. Stephen has been a vegetarian since college, when he actually started as a vegan. He has been vegetarian ever since, but has dabbled in eating fish on occasion. Usually when we're on vacation at the ocean and it is freshly caught that day locally.

We didn't sit down and have a big talk about whether or not our kids would eat meat. It was just this understanding that we have lived a vegetarian lifestyle and eaten primarily vegan and vegetarian foods for a big chunk of our lives. Our kids would follow suit. Ada has had fish but doesn't like it. We feed both girls a lacto-ovo diet because it's what we eat as a family. Neither kid has ever eaten meat. Ada is actually quite opposed. She's getting to the age where she's asking a lot of questions and feels a lot of pride in being a vegetarian.

Now our decision to live this way spans beyond dietary preference. We do appreciate the animal rights, environmental impact, and health benefits of eating this way. It's also cheaper, which is a bonus. This isn't to say I'm forbidding our kids from eating meat, but I do not think I would ever prepare it in the home. But we'll cross that bridge as we come to it. So far, most people in our lives just know we are vegetarian, and it hasn't been an issue. We write it on forms for school and summer camps, and -- just like allergies, etc. -- it's been catered to without any issues.

I have never planned to homeschool.

Don't get me wrong, the idea of homeschooling is very intriguing to me. I love the idea of guiding my kids along their path of learning and allowing a more flexible and, at times, more enriching environment for them to grow their brains and learn about the world. I just think I can do this in addition to a quality public school education.

There is this inherent privilege, though, that comes with being able to homeschool. I feel like it isn't brought up too much. Like, I just know I cannot fully commit to a full course of homeschooling grades K through 12 for my children because -- while I'm not working tons of hours right now -- I know I will want to return to more full-time work in the future. This isn't just for me . . . it's practical for our family that I not leave the workforce for that long. I do work from home now, but I'm hoping to expand on those hours after all my kids are school age.

I can totally geek out when I look at different homeschool curriculums. I love the creativity and space that it allows. The flexibility with scheduling, etc. But honestly, my husband is a public school teacher. For this reason, I do support public education. We moved specifically to a school district that is consistently ranked in the top two in the area (Stephen's school is the other top). Plus, the flexibility is nice . . . but we wouldn't be traveling throughout the year since Stephen's job doesn't allow for time off.

Instead, we try to use our summers to get those less-traditional opportunities. I am hoping whatever job I choose in the future will allow for flexibility in the summers so we can enjoy this time as a family.

I will continue to stay at home/work from home.

Yes. Money. It's not the smartest financial thing, perhaps, for me to be at home with part-time hours. Stephen and I both feel strongly that me being home is important. I see working moms totally rocking their situations, and there are times when I look longingly at the structure their days permit. When my kid is screaming and skipping naps, I wonder what it might be like to be at lunch in my old office in peace and quiet. But I know that working moms deal with so much too, like astronomical daycare costs and feelings of guilt, etc.

It's like a no-win situation. Stephen coaches two sports, which I complain about, but it gives our yearly income a nice boost. Now that we're getting close to paying off student loans and other debts . . . we have more wiggle room. This isn't to say I'm comfortably living large over here. I'll do an updated budget post soon. I cherish this time I get to spend with my kids. I surely complain at times, but I think we all do from time to time.

I do plan to either expand freelancing hours to more full-time or to go back to a FT or PT real-life job when my kids are all in school. But, as I mentioned earlier, I'd like to have a schedule that allows me to enjoy lots of time in the summer with my family.

I cloth diapered, then didn't, but might again.

Several of you have asked if I plan to cloth diaper baby number three. I had plans to do it with Eloise. I did it for nearly a year and a half with Ada. But I got sucked in by the convenience of Aldi diapers. They have worked wonderfully for us, and they don't cost terribly too much. But along the way I have felt guilty tossing out so much trash. Like, really guilty at times. And I look at our budget and how I may need to step back on my freelancing hours . . . cloth may be in our future.

I do have an impressive stash that would work well for the new baby. I think I'll write more about this in a baby-related post. To summarize, I support cloth diapering. But I don't understand people who rave about it. It's poop and pee that you have to get up close and personal with. As much as supporters say it's awesome . . . it isn't, like, FUN. So for me, it would be more out of my feelings of environmental responsibility and money. I wouldn't be giddy about it.

I breastfeed. But it's complicated.

I do also plan to breastfeeding this next baby if I'm lucky. I breastfed Ada for nearly 18 months and I breastfed Eloise to age one. With Eloise, I had lot of difficulty because I felt over-touched a lot. Getting used to the demands after years of independence was hard for me. I have no romantic notions that it will be different this time. But, as mentioned above, to save money I know I will need to fully commit.

That said, I feel better prepared this time around for the challenges I may face. I will try to have a plan in place to make sure I don't get too overwhelmed. This may mean pumping more bottles and trying bottles sooner. This may mean occasional supplementation with formula, which did NOT impact our relationship or my supply whatsoever.

In the end, breastfeeding is a very personal choice. And I feel fed is best. I have absolutely no judgement for women who do purely formula, as I was brought up that way. And I have no judgement for women who allow their kids full access to their boobs at all times. I am a more baby-led, but also mom-allowed breastfeeding. I know that doesn't make sense. But scheduling feeds as soon as we're able helps me with my sanity.

I guess more on this will come in another post as well.

We don't bed-share.

While I love the idea and understand the practicality of bed-sharing, it's not for me. I explained this a bit on Instastories a couple weeks ago. While I do room-in with my babies for up to six months (yay reflux scares!) . . . putting my babies in my bed scares the crap out of me, especially in the beginning. I've experienced sleep paralysis and other weird issues that make me truly feel it isn't safe . . . FOR ME. I don't judge, though, because there were a couple times when Ada was small when it worked out very well to get through a tough night.

But I don't plan to bed-share with our new baby. She will sleep next to the bed in a Pack 'n Play (my neighbor was so kind to give me hers with a bassinet attachment!).

We're having three kids. A "larger" family.

I talk a lot about saving money. So some people -- family included -- have asked why we would add another child to our family is money is a concern. That's complicated. And it's hard to fully explain. First of all, family size is another highly personal issue, despite how visible it is to society. People are always going to comment. But when thought long and hard over whether or not adding a third would be good in our case.

When we were going through infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss, our ideas of being a family of five really solidified. We realized that we value the people in our lives more than the things. We may not be jetting off to Disney world. We may not have a fancy van with heated seats, automatic doors, etc. (I've been lusting over these lately!). We may just be camping and living on the simple things in life. But we felt strongly that if we didn't go for number three, we'd regret it.

And that's OK. College is a question some have specifically asked about. This is a HUGE topic, so I'm going to gloss over our thoughts. I do not feel that it is my responsibility as a parent to pay for full college for all my children. I feel it is my responsibility to help my children find their path in life. I'd like them to at least go to community college . . . but I am not going to teach them that a four-year school is THE PATH, as we were taught. My parents generously paid for half my education. I worked and got loans for the rest. And I shouldn't have gone to a private, out-of-state school. It's my responsibility to help guide my kids to better choices that will be good for their education and financial futures.

That said, we truly value education, so we will help our kids with whatever they choose to do.

We let our kids watch television. Sometimes lots of it.

Eloise is watching Sesame Street as I type this blog post. As a work-from-home mom, I have utilized television with both my girls to get things done. I am also very present with them and play with them many hours each day. We spend lots of time outdoors. We go to museums and play centers. But television -- in my humble opinion -- is totally fine.

I don't coach learning at home.

This is getting rather long.  So I'll go over one last topic. Many have asked what I'm doing to teach Eloise things at home. And the answer to this is "nothing specific". With Ada, I definitely went out of my way to be like: "Look at the blue ball. Blue. Can you say blue? Where's the blue ball?" You get the point. Anyway, some of this is OK. And when it arises naturally, sure -- I do it. But I don't work in coaching the alphabet, shapes, etc. throughout the day. Granted Eloise is still young. But I'm in the camp that play gets a lot of this stuff into the mix naturally (we also read lots of books).

So, with Eloise and this future baby girl, I am taking a more relaxed approach. A more learn-by-doing, don't fret the rest approach. I will be sending Eloise to preschool at age three. I may even enroll her in a short program next year for socialization, etc. But I truly feel like young children just need to be young children. We'll sing songs, we'll go out and explore the world, we'll do art projects . . . but we won't sit and do flash cards.

Phew. I feel very much open to judgement now, but I'm OK with that. We all do things the way we do them for a reason. So, it's all good.

* Image source is from Etsy. How cute is that? It's customizable. I may need to get one!

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Advanced Maternal Age, etc.

Thank you so much for your congratulations on our big news. I had another ultrasound last week and was so excited to see that baby was measuring 11 weeks with a strong heartbeat -- 168 bpm. The scan has definitely helped me relax a bit as I get closer to the second trimester. Some of you who follow me on Instagram know that I am anxiously awaiting results from free cell DNA blood work that I had done last Thursday. I should know by the end of the week if our baby has a risk of certain chromosomal disorders. And, yes, we're also finding out the sex this way. My guess is girl, so we'll see if I'm correct!

This week, I'm going to do all things pregnancy. So, if you'd rather skip -- I'm just letting you know. What I wanted to write about today is how I'm feeling. Not necessarily physically, though there is some of that I'll cover. But more what it's like to have my first pregnancy where I'm classed as advanced maternal age. I didn't care much at first, but seeing it checked off on my paperwork a few times now . . . it's had a surprising effect on me.

I mean, at 34, I realize I'm only on the cusp (I'll deliver when I'm 35) . . . but now I'm officially an older mom. (Image source)

For a silly example, in previous pregnancies, I've wavered on whether or not I should color my hair. My roots would bug me. This time around, I have quite a crop of grey hairs that are sprouting. I always thought I'd transition gracefully, but they're making me so darned self conscious! It's yet another reminder that I'm getting older. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, but somehow it just feels so different.

(As an aside, I ordered a new Overtone hair conditioning color. I'll write about it soon!)

I also started this pregnancy at the highest weight and lowest fitness level of any of my pregnancies. And that's not helping with self esteem. I feel a bit sluggish and chubbier that I'd like before I really start packing on the pounds. I am trying to jog 3 miles, 3 to 4 times a week, but it's been tough. I mostly have the evenings to fit in workouts and that's when I've been the sickest and most tired throughout the day. I've skipped a lot of workouts as a result.

I have tried not reading too much into AMA being a risk factor for certain complications throughout pregnancy and delivery. But I know as we age, there can be more risks of certain things. For example, I have had high blood pressure at a lot of my appointments so far. After taking it at the end of the appointment, we're all pretty sure it's white coat syndrome. But there's this nagging part of me that worries about preeclampsia developing later on.

One thing I like about being an older mom is that I am not really worrying much about after delivery. You know, when the baby is actually here. I've been there and done that. I know that I don't need to spend hours toiling over a registry or worrying about what gadgets I might need. The answer to most things is that I don't need them. We are trying to figure out sleeping arrangements. I think we'll be moving Eloise's room to the spare behind Ada's. It's small, but it'll provide some noise insulation from the baby being in our room. I'll get into this more another time.

I did have to go out and buy some maternity clothing. Like I said, I started out heavier than normal (months on progesterone will do that to you). All of the clothing I wore during Ada's pregnancy -- same seasons -- way too small. (And honestly, I'm sick of it. Like first-generation Liz Lange from Target.) Maybe I'll do a small maternity clothing capsule for you guys!

OK. What else? Well, I do enjoy the added monitoring throughout my pregnancy. As I've written before, my pregnancy with Eloise was rife with anxiety. And for good reason. But I felt my midwife didn't take my concerns seriously and didn't really offer much peace of mind. This time around, I am seeing an OB who is extremely understanding of that piece. He gave me additional ultrasounds in the first trimester, for example. And I know that as an AMA mom, there are more tests that go along with the process (like the free cell DNA). Some people don't like added stuff, but I am happy to get any and all information that's available.

Other topics I plan to cover this week include how I'm managing morning sickness, thoughts on being a family of five, and perhaps I'll know if baby is a girl/boy in time to share! If you guys would like me to write about anything specifically, let me know.

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MTHFR, Part II

I first just want to thank everyone who has guided me a bit through this whole MTHFR thing since the weekend. It's a bit overwhelming to hear you have something different about you. But after chatting with a good number of you . . . I don't feel so alone or, well, mutant.

To answer a few questions:

// 1: Vitamins, etc.

I have switched my vitamins to Thorne Basic Prenatals. These have a L-methylfolate (bioavailable form) in them, which is recommended. I was fortunate enough to chat with a registered dietitican who explained that these vitamins are safe and a good choice.

I will also be taking an additional L-methylfolate supplement, also by Thorne. The doctor said I could take up to 4mg more (total of 5mg combined with prenatal), but I'll start with just an additional 1mg.

// 2: Sourcing information

I understand that not all the information I linked yesterday is from the most reputable sources. As a medical writer, I have a skeptical eye when reading over such material. MTHFR has been anecdotally linked to a lot of conditions, which I do find interesting. MTHFR does seem to be an emerging thing. As a result, the medical community obviously has the best information . . . but they don't necessarily have all information. Also: There's much more research on homozygous individuals. I'm simply piecing together everything I find -- with caution.

I'm not doing anything drastic based on random online articles I find without guidance from a doctor. It just gives me some fuel for questioning.

// 3: Lovenox 

Many of you have written to me about Lovenox. So, I did meet with my doctor and had some anxiety about the possibility of taking injectable blood thinners. After meeting, we decided that upon pregnancy I would keep taking baby aspirin and not do Lovenox.

I understand the two drugs perform different functions (BA thins the blood, Lovenox deals with clotting). But I don't have even borderline levels for other clotting disorders and have only one mutation for MTHFR. He did provide clinical examples of when he would have required the Lovenox (he even joked and said if it was required, I would have to come in every day and hold his hand to get them), but said that 8 out of 10 doctors would likely not indicate the drug in my case (hetero, no clotting disorders, no history of clotting).

It was a suggestion based on my miscarriage history (but there weren't formally diagnosed clots) . . . but that it was more as an "ease my mind" measure versus necessity. Since it amps up anxiety instead, he explained he wasn't super attached to the idea.

// 4: Feelings

It's a lot of information. It's a lot of "what if" scenarios running through my mind. Like, what if this is what caused my miscarriages. What if we found this out sooner? What if this had something to do with Ada's brain cyst (MTHFR is linked to neural tube defects -- her cyst isn't exactly that, but it's not terribly far off). What if by not taking Lovenox something happens?

My doctor assured me that there is still a chance that the MTHFR may have had nothing to do with my experiences. It could have as easily been the progesterone. It could have even been bad luck (which I hated hearing when I was going through it, but -- with time -- I do see bad luck as a cruel possibility).

In all, I have to have an element of feeling there's a bigger plan. If I hadn't miscarried, for example, I wouldn't have my sweet Eloise. Throughout everything I have experienced, I do truly feel like on some level we end up with the family and life we are meant to have. I'm not a terribly spiritual person . . . but when my anxiety gets the best of me, I try very hard to give my thoughts to whatever the greater purpose is or could possibly be.

// 5: THANK YOU

Again, a HUGE thank you to everyone who has spent time writing to me in the last several days. I love this online community and its kindness. Though SO many situations I've encountered in my life, you guys have been there. We all have so much to share in way of experiences and empathy, it's incredibly heartening.

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TTC #3 // Reader Q+A

I have less than a week until my fertility consultation with my new doctor. I've gotten a few questions and general comments (via Instagram -- that's the best place to reach me these days) throughout my blogging about our desire to add another child to our family. I thought I'd do a quick post to hit on the major questions and themes. I'm trying not to dwell on it so much, but I also would rather get my thoughts out into the open.

Side note: I took this photo a REALLY long time ago right after I had graduated college. This pregnancy test washed up on the shore of Cayuga lake (don't pollute, people!). Seeing it felt so scandalous at the time. And now I've probably taken like 1,000 of these!

Q1: Why do you want a third child when you have two healthy kids?

This one came from someone who did not mean it in a flippant or disrespectful way whatsoever. It's a valid question, and it's one I ask myself on a daily basis. I've said it before, but I'll mention it again: We aren't trying for a boy, so that plays no role whatsoever. I do occasionally have doubts about my ability to raise three children, to afford them, to provide the best life for them. I waver. Sometimes I feel like it'll be amazing -- why worry? Other times I see myself falling short and think I should reevaluate.

There's just this tugging that both Stephen and I feel. I have chatted with older people who are well beyond their childbearing years. My own grandparents are included in this set. The resounding advice I have received has been to go for it. That we won't regret having another child if that is what we feel strongly in our hearts would make our family "complete". Some of these people decided against it and forever have wondered what would have been.

At the same time, we aren't dead-set on three at all costs. I have yet to get pregnant. I feel afraid I may have miscarriages again. And if that situation happens again, I don't know if I'll want to put myself or my family through it. What I can tell you is that going through such loss did strengthen our desire to add to our family . . . but it's a delicate balance to account for what we "want" and what is "good" for us. Does that make sense?

Q2: Have you had your thyroid checked?

Not recently. But that wasn't my issue before. It's something I'm asking about, and I do think it's part of the regular infertility workup.

Q3: Are you on X, Y, Z supplement?

I had been taking royal jelly and COQ10, but I've stopped all supplements for the time being. I was also practicing seed cycling but have decided to give that a rest as well. I had an issue when I was trying to get pregnant with Eloise where my ovulation wasn't happening until later than ideal (past day 20 in my cycle) and my luteal phase was maybe 9 days at best.

Being on progesterone has my cycles incredibly predictable and "normal". I ovulate between days 12-14 and have a 14-16 day luteal phase. That's about as textbook as it gets. As a result, I don't necessarily see the need to use supplements, because the purpose of many for me was regulation of cycle. That said, I do know that some may help with egg quality, but I first want to discuss them with the doctor.

Q4: Do you worry about medical issues with another child?

This question comes from my own mother. Obviously, with Ada's medical history -- it's a concern. We also have a genetic heart condition that runs in both sides of the family. My dad had open-heart surgery to correct his aortic stenosis that was caused by a bicuspid valve a little over a decade ago. Another close relative on my mother's side has a similar condition.

Here's something we all know: I have anxiety. And of course this is something (among many things) I do worry about. Ada's surgeon assured us that the issue she had (a very large, benign arachnoid cyst) is a fluke. It's not genetically inherited. I've read anecdotal evidence to suggest otherwise, but I am trusting the doctor on this one.

So, the answer to whether I worry is both yes and no. There are so many unknowns that come with having another child. I just watched a YouTube video from a mother who almost died during delivery -- so all of these things do run in my mind. It can be serious, scary stuff. Again -- my heart is telling me to forge ahead.

Q5: Are you worried about being over 35 soon?

This question has come from a few people because much of the literature you find will have age 35 as this big cutoff point with fertility. There are so many studies on this and so many medical opinions. What I've gathered from a lot of reading is that fertility rates don't necessarily decline quite as rapidly as we're lead to believe at 35. At 40 they may even be better than we often hear about. That said, the fact remains that there are fewer eggs and more of them are abnormal as the years tick on.

I do feel weird sometimes when I think about having another baby in my belly . . . as I look at all the newly sprouted grey hairs on my head. But I was chatting with another "geriatric" mom who is trying to conceive last night. It is what it is. In a "perfect" world, I wanted to be done having babies by now, but I also lost a good 18 months during TTC#2. We don't have control, and I know plenty of mamas who have had healthy babies after 35 and after 40.

Q6: What TTC supplies do you use?

• I have this basal thermometer for daily tracking.
• I have read this book many times -- Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
• I use this gigantic package of OPKs and Pregnancy Tests.
• That said, I also stock First Response tests because they're the most accurate.
• I track everything for free in the Fertility Friend App. 
• I take Nature Made Prenatal Vitamins. I also take D3, baby aspirin, and folic acid.
• We do also use Pre-Seed, but after four cycles . . . it isn't magic for us.
• I had been using royal jelly in honey. I recommend it (here's why), but check with your doctor.

Q7: You've only been trying six months, why are you seeing a doctor so soon?

My midwife recommended after being on progesterone for four months that I get checked out. My cycles, as I mentioned, are extremely predictable. I'm using ovulation strips and temperature charting, and nothing is happening. We had tried two months with all these tricks before the meds as well, so that is where the six months is coming from. I will turn 35 in July, and most advice you'll see suggests to be checked after 6 months if you're over 35. Since I'm close to that cut-off and have previous infertility issues, I figure it's better to get checked sooner rather than later.

This isn't to say I'm jumping into fertility treatments. I mostly need guidance on whether or not to continue using progesterone in the way I'm using it. I also need a new prescription. Beyond that, I just want to get baseline tests and make a relationship with a new doctor. I'd also like to arrange to have blood pregnancy tests at the end of each cycle. If you've ever done progesterone, there's always this nagging feeling that MAYBE you ARE pregnant and the test just isn't picking it up yet. I'd like to eliminate the maybe.

Those are the questions I've had the most of. If you guys have any others, let me know in the comments below!

In general, I am writing about this process because I like reading about what others are going through. Before we had our own struggles, I had no idea how hard it can be to get and stay pregnant. I want to be as authentic a voice for this process as I can be. So, that's that!

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Tuesday Update Time

I tried capturing an update on Instagram yesterday, but my phone wouldn't save anything! Here's what I wanted to say. Also: Unrelated photo. I found this and my heart stopped. How is Eloise 19 months old?!

1 // I have made an appointment with a new OBGYN.

I finally did it. I didn't want to do it. But, still, yesterday I called to discuss fertility stuff. I need a renewed prescription for progesterone now that we've been TTC #3 for six months. But at this point, I may as well get my levels checked and possibly get an HSG. I also need to establish myself as a patient somewhere because my midwife left the area . . .  and there are no other midwives left in my old practice. And the OB I wanted to see there isn't accepting new patients. Stay tuned.

2 // Yoga has been EVERYTHING this month. 

I will be writing a separate post on this later in the week. I have stuck with going to classes three times each week. Tuesday is a flow class that's sort of an intermediate level. Thursday is a flow class that's more beginner, but the instructor offers lots of modifications to make it harder/easier depending on how I'm feeling. Sunday is a TOUGH flow class that I have a love/hate relationship with. I have to check my ego at the door. But I'm learning a lot and gaining many benefits from regular practice.

Since we're getting closer to the end of my $40 unlimited membership for this month, I'm trying to figure out what I'll continue. The Tuesday flow class is just $8, so I think that's the one I'll keep going to. The other ones are $12, and I'm considering just for February going to the Sunday class, making my total for each week $20. That feels like a splurge on myself, but in March . . . track season begins and it'll be mostly YouTube for several months.

3 // The SUN!

This winter has been cold, but it's been much sunnier than other years. This has had an impact on my mood. Or maybe the sun plus the yoga is really kicking the butt of that seasonal blah I get. Whatever the case is, I haven't felt the need to use my light therapy box. Feels good. Though, as I write this . . . we're getting tons of rain and it's all grey.

4 // The flu has me all paranoid. 

It's a long story, but I get my kids all vaccinations. No qualms about it. The flu shot always has me scratching my head. I ended up getting it this year in November. I had made appointments for the girls in October, but they each were on antibiotics when it was time to go. So, we waited till November. Everyone in our house was basically sick the entire month of November, so we had to reschedule again.

When the December appointment rolled around, a bunch of people in my life -- friends, family, news outlets, etc. -- including the nurse at my pediatrician office had me convinced the shot basically wasn't effective at all. It was dumb, but I decided to just say -- meh with it. Now I feel like the flu is everywhere and I've been incredibly irresponsible. I'm getting their flu shots tomorrow (late, I know -- won't kick in for two weeks and STILL may not ward off the worst of the flu) and in the meantime am looking for ways to boost immunity. I'm thinking elderberry syrup with zinc and vitamin C.

Any suggestions, especially for the toddler?

5 // What are your guilty pleasures?

Mine are:

American cheese pierogies
Riverdale
Any time alone in the bathroom, whether bathing or using the toilet
Not wearing a bra. Ever.
Almond butter mixed with coconut oil, cocoa powder, and some sugar
Watching YouTube of mid to late 20-something French models for beauty tips
Online shopping (but gotta kick that habit)
Facebook groups for frugality, non-consumerism, etc. (yes, I'm a complex piece of work)
Internet "stalking" random people just for fun
Browsing my phone in the shower because I won't be interrupted, see above

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Keeping the Momentum

As I drove myself to yoga last night in spitting snow and great whooshes of wind, I felt . . . tired. The walk from my car to the studio was a blustery one. We're having wind chills down in the -20 to -30 range today -- damn cold and unpleasant. It was also cloudy, grey, and already getting dark at 4:30. It was one of those times when I just didn't feel like doing what I was doing.

A true motivation slump only four days deep into the new year.

There are times when I wonder if I'm just not a terribly motivated person. I'm surrounded by men and women who are achieving greatness, if I want to get all Grey's Anatomy for a moment. I consider myself quite ordinary. There are people all around me who are doing truly extraordinary things. Things at their jobs. Things with their families. Things within the local community and, yes, even in the world. Heck, they're even doing incredible things at the gym or on the roads (ultra-marathon friends, how do you do it?).

Some of them seem to be doing it all at once, too.

And then there's me.
I feel spent a lot of the time.
I also feel I don't do that terribly much.
Am I lacking in some way?

I kept my foot cautiously hovering over the breaks as I made my way across town on the slop-covered roads. If an old friend of mine can perform an important surgery or diagnose a disease on the daily (many high school and college "friends" are doctors) . . . surely I can muster the courage to go to an hour-long yoga class. Surely.

I did; it felt good.

Where am I going with this?

I suppose it's all relative. The whole of life. What I do today may seem insurmountable to others just as what others do seems absolutely mind-blowing to me. I do think a lot of it boils down to momentum. Once you get going at a certain pace, it's the trick of maintaining it. It's having the endurance to continue on at whatever level you find yourself attaining. I think about my running "career". There are times when I've run fast and long with ease. Other times, it's been a crawl and struggle to . . . lace my shoes. The cycles change with the seasons of my life and my own goals and desires and external forces.

I'm resisting the pull to hibernate right now. In both my body and mind. Writing has felt good. While I do a great deal of writing for my freelance job (I'm in the middle of an article right now . . . but I needed a break), I haven't done much personal writing in years. When I had Writing Chapter Three, I'd regularly share essay-style posts about motherhood. Maybe I'll return to that.

The momentum I kept up back then also encouraged me to seek more opportunities. I'm trying to hop on that train now, as I took the first step in a project I've been planning for years yesterday. More on that when I finally get the time to do more. Whenever that is. You see, we all achieve greatness in our own ways, whether through larger or small victories. I truly believe that.

Anyway, consider this a gentle prod before the weekend to keep at doing whatever you're up to that's bringing you joy or fulfillment. The momentum is the hardest part, but -- yes -- you can do it. Take a walk break if your goal is to run a bit farther. Take a mental break if you're trying to accomplish something a bit more cerebral. And try your best not to compare yourself to others.

Remember, friends: It's all relative.

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Adventures with Mommy Cloth

When I was writing up tutorials on how to use cloth diapers back when Ada was a baby, I got a rather flippant comment. A woman (who thought using cloth wipes was a gross, terrible thing -- it's not, by the way) said that if I was subjecting my kid to the use of cloth wipes . . . I, too, should be using cloth for my toilet trips and monthly period. At the time, I shrugged her comment off as snarky snark. But from time to time, I had thought about the idea of using cloth for myself, at least in some way.

No, I'm not using cloth wipes instead of toilet paper. But I did recently invest in a starter pack of cloth pads (there are so many kinds!) that I intend to use overnight during my period. I've heard really good things about cloth pads on forums and on Facebook groups. I hate pads in general, but I cannot get used to wearing tampons at night.

And I know I'll get a lot of comments or emails about menstrual cups. That's a topic for another day. I've tried various cups and none of them feel comfortable. Instead Cups actually do feel good, but they are relatively expensive and aren't reusable. (Are there any silicone cups in this shape?) I have a rather severely tilted uterus, and I wonder if that has something to do with it (and how my cervix is positioned). I'm actually planning to look into sea sponge tampons. The only reason I haven't taken the plunge is because I'm hoping to get pregnant soon, and I don't want to invest only to not use them. (Wishful thinking, eh? Update on this soon -- we have to skip a few months of trying. Blah!).

I called this post adventures with mom-cloth, but I haven't yet used these guys. Consider this the first installment. I purchased a set of 6 cloth pads from Teamoy that also came with a wet bag/carrying bag. Upon first inspection, they seem of very good quality. Snaps and fabric similar to cloth diapers. The absorbent part is fleece and seems very comfortable. I spent less than 20 dollars, which seems like a steal compared to other brands I've seen (and the reviews are really good!).

For reference, I bought the large since I'm going to use them overnight. I'll report back with my feelings later on in the month! I'm interested to see how they do with leaks. I'm hopeful they'll be the solution I'm looking for.

Have you tried mom-cloth? 

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Namaste

I took my first yoga class in two years on Sunday. 

And before that class two long years ago, I hadn't taken a formal class in about, well, two years. Yeah. It's been a while. I've done poses during Barre workouts and random ones to deal with acute tension. My body is sorely craving fluidity and release. It felt so good to stretch and lengthen . . . I took another class on Monday morning. I actually signed up for the studio's new student pass -- $40 for a month of unlimited yoga. What a way to kick off the new year.

I plan to go to yoga three times a week this month. Two classes of flow on Tuesdays and Thursdays and a longer class on Sundays of align and flow. My goal? To better listen to my body. To breathe more deeply. To think more inwardly. To shed these aches and pains and feel . . . younger. Nah, 34 isn't old by any means. Still, I've been feeling rather stiff and blocked up both mentally and physically.

I'm also looking for connection and community. You see, the reason I've resisted filling in the rest of our monthly calendar is because I finally have a spot on it. And I like how it looks. When we installed it in the fall, Stephen had activities most days. Ada had a bunch of stuff, too. Even Eloise had play-dates, music classes, and other things going on just for her. Me? Nada. And now I've finally carved out my own time.

Of course, I won't be able to keep up such frequency at the studio. The price will jump considerably if I want to keep up at this rate. So, at least for now, I'll go as often as I can. My hope is that the regularity will get me in a good momentum. I intend to continue with a studio class a week the rest of the year . . . and to practice at home a couple more days. We'll see. This is a start of something, and it feels good in so many ways.

Are any of you rekindling your love for yoga (or any other long-lost favorites) in 2018?

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2018 // Micro-blogging in January

Happy New Year, everyone! I kicked off 2018 by getting 10 hours of sleep for the first time in . . . a really, really long time. I'm also headed to yoga this morning. A real class, not YouTube in the basement (though that's great, too!). Hmm. This photo is nearly 10 years old. Do you remember my 10-year rewind post? It's a goodie.

If you follow me on Instagram, you already know one of my big pushes in 2018 is to take a break from social media (Instagram and Facebook, specifically). I know lots of people are doing that, so it's nothing novel or particularly interesting. My goal isn't to get rid of Instagram in the long run (I love the community there. Facebook is another story -- and I've gone back to the evil side after quitting for a few months last year) . . . but I feel like Instagram has been stealing my blogging mojo and time I have to put toward other things in my life.

There really wasn't such intense social media back when I started blogging. It was write, write, write . . . maybe share some photos on Foodgawker or SeriousEats, and then just think of more content. The "good" bloggers have found a way to do it all -- even after having kids. I, personally, don't want to turn my life into a business. Or at least I'm no good at it. I need to turn off. To unwind. And I think I'd rather share my thoughts diary-style than try to market and monetize my lifestyle.

So, I've decided instead of sharing content on my social media platform, I'd like to dig back into blogging. I'll have the time if I'm not scrolling through feed after feed. What is a micro-blog? I don't know technically. But for me, it just means I'll only spend a maximum of like 5-10 minutes writing a post on something very focused. Today's post is simply to share my intentions, and then I'll dive in with some more interesting tidbits in the coming days -- my actual 2018 goals, what's up in our house, my pantry cleaning project, why I'm going to yoga 3 times a week, how TTC is going, etc.

Alright. For January (at least) . . . I'll only be logging on to Instagram for a bit (20 minutes?) each Monday. I'll share a collage of the week's blog posts and also hop onto stories to share a quick face-to-face "what's up" sort of video. Otherwise, please check back Monday through Friday here on neverhomemaker.

Stay warm. Be happy. Achieve your goals. And thanks so much for reading. I am excited to get back into a true rhythm, and I think I've finally figured out how to carve out the time.

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6 Foods That Make My Life Easier

I still love Aldi, but there are several foods that I've had to shop elsewhere for recently. Eloise has been a picky eater since, well, forever. But it was especially bad in the last four months. She would literally not eat anything. In retrospect, I do think a lot of it has to do with the fact that she has 16 teeth when many of her peers have far fewer. Poor girl has probably been in pain for a long while.

That said, I have slowly found some things she loves to eat. As much as I'd like to say they're all whole foods, I have also had to rely on a few "products" if you will. But I'll get to those in a minute. Let's just jump in . . . and I'd love to hear your make-life-easier food suggestions.

I've included Amazon links so you can check out more reviews, ingredients, and just more general info. Always price-compare, as I've found that grocery of Amazon can either be good deals or AWFUL.

JUST. Mayo

There are a variety of flavors of this mayo. Stephen and I are addicted to chipotle mayos of various brands. The just. chipotle mayo is consistently the least expensive and gets high marks on taste. It's also vegan -- at least I know that several varieties of it are. Another favorite is the sriracha. We put it on veggie burgers, use it as dip for fries, and as a spread for sandwiches.

Don Pepino Pizza Sauce

Our family absolutely loves Don Pepino's pizza sauce. Stephen it biased, since it's made in NJ. It's slightly more expensive than some store brand sauces I buy, but the texture and flavor make it worth it in my opinion (especially since homemade pizza costs so much less than takeout). I know I included the Amazon link, but I highly recommend checking your bulk stores for this brand as well. I once found GIGANTIC tins of it at Sam's that I then divided into smaller portions and froze.

Mueslix, etc.

I don't necessarily endorse this brand of muesli over another (there are SO MANY). I'm just addicted to the stuff. I have a thing for cereal and I feel like this is healthier than other varieties I enjoy. I used to make my own muesli, but these days I haven't made time for it. Hoping to get back into that mode at the start of the new year, though.

Stonyfield Whole Milk Yogurt

Here's one of those foods that Eloise will eat without fail almost every day. So, we have had this issue where she doesn't want to drink milk since her first birthday. Not that she necessarily HAS to drink milk, but I think it's a good source of calcium and protein in a vegetarian diet. Anyway, we're working on the drinking milk thing. In the meantime, she's been eating this yogurt and having cheese sticks. I've made my own yogurt in the past (and love it!), but she digs this flavor.

Kodiak Cakes

And this is often Eloise's lunch. I know, I know. I mean, it's protein waffles. Sort of strange to push on a toddler. But she likes muffin texture, and I like that Kodiak Cakes has added protein and it's fast. It also comes in fun flavors -- of which we like chocolate and peanut butter best. Have you guys tried this stuff? I want to get plain buttermilk next.


Bob's Red Mill Soup Mixes

These dry soup mixes have been A LIFESAVER and have massively improved our slow cooking dinners. We got into a soup and chili rut, so I decided to branch out one day and buy a few different varieties. Anyway, this one is my favorite. The prices on these guys on Amazon aren't good, so I include the link only for reference, ingredients, and such.

You must try this recipe on the back of the bag, by the way.


And if you DO plan to try it, I recommend adding a can of coconut milk in place of two cups of water and added a heaping tablespoon of miso to the mix. I like adding the gourmet mix of mushrooms I get at Wegmans and plenty of fresh ginger.

Related:

Expanding Our Homemade Pantry
Homemade Almond Milk
Our Go-To Pizza Dough
Homemade Ciabatta Bread
Homemade Muesli
Adventures in Cereal-Making
Homemade Bagels
White + Whole Wheat No Knead Loaf
Three Seed Crackers
Homemade Flax Crackers
Homemade Pancake/Waffle Mix
Awesome Couscous Crackers
My Favorite Hummus
Stephen’s Homemade Pickles
Homemade Applesauce
Red Curry Kimchi

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