TTC #3 // Reader Q+A

I have less than a week until my fertility consultation with my new doctor. I've gotten a few questions and general comments (via Instagram -- that's the best place to reach me these days) throughout my blogging about our desire to add another child to our family. I thought I'd do a quick post to hit on the major questions and themes. I'm trying not to dwell on it so much, but I also would rather get my thoughts out into the open.

Side note: I took this photo a REALLY long time ago right after I had graduated college. This pregnancy test washed up on the shore of Cayuga lake (don't pollute, people!). Seeing it felt so scandalous at the time. And now I've probably taken like 1,000 of these!

Q1: Why do you want a third child when you have two healthy kids?

This one came from someone who did not mean it in a flippant or disrespectful way whatsoever. It's a valid question, and it's one I ask myself on a daily basis. I've said it before, but I'll mention it again: We aren't trying for a boy, so that plays no role whatsoever. I do occasionally have doubts about my ability to raise three children, to afford them, to provide the best life for them. I waver. Sometimes I feel like it'll be amazing -- why worry? Other times I see myself falling short and think I should reevaluate.

There's just this tugging that both Stephen and I feel. I have chatted with older people who are well beyond their childbearing years. My own grandparents are included in this set. The resounding advice I have received has been to go for it. That we won't regret having another child if that is what we feel strongly in our hearts would make our family "complete". Some of these people decided against it and forever have wondered what would have been.

At the same time, we aren't dead-set on three at all costs. I have yet to get pregnant. I feel afraid I may have miscarriages again. And if that situation happens again, I don't know if I'll want to put myself or my family through it. What I can tell you is that going through such loss did strengthen our desire to add to our family . . . but it's a delicate balance to account for what we "want" and what is "good" for us. Does that make sense?

Q2: Have you had your thyroid checked?

Not recently. But that wasn't my issue before. It's something I'm asking about, and I do think it's part of the regular infertility workup.

Q3: Are you on X, Y, Z supplement?

I had been taking royal jelly and COQ10, but I've stopped all supplements for the time being. I was also practicing seed cycling but have decided to give that a rest as well. I had an issue when I was trying to get pregnant with Eloise where my ovulation wasn't happening until later than ideal (past day 20 in my cycle) and my luteal phase was maybe 9 days at best.

Being on progesterone has my cycles incredibly predictable and "normal". I ovulate between days 12-14 and have a 14-16 day luteal phase. That's about as textbook as it gets. As a result, I don't necessarily see the need to use supplements, because the purpose of many for me was regulation of cycle. That said, I do know that some may help with egg quality, but I first want to discuss them with the doctor.

Q4: Do you worry about medical issues with another child?

This question comes from my own mother. Obviously, with Ada's medical history -- it's a concern. We also have a genetic heart condition that runs in both sides of the family. My dad had open-heart surgery to correct his aortic stenosis that was caused by a bicuspid valve a little over a decade ago. Another close relative on my mother's side has a similar condition.

Here's something we all know: I have anxiety. And of course this is something (among many things) I do worry about. Ada's surgeon assured us that the issue she had (a very large, benign arachnoid cyst) is a fluke. It's not genetically inherited. I've read anecdotal evidence to suggest otherwise, but I am trusting the doctor on this one.

So, the answer to whether I worry is both yes and no. There are so many unknowns that come with having another child. I just watched a YouTube video from a mother who almost died during delivery -- so all of these things do run in my mind. It can be serious, scary stuff. Again -- my heart is telling me to forge ahead.

Q5: Are you worried about being over 35 soon?

This question has come from a few people because much of the literature you find will have age 35 as this big cutoff point with fertility. There are so many studies on this and so many medical opinions. What I've gathered from a lot of reading is that fertility rates don't necessarily decline quite as rapidly as we're lead to believe at 35. At 40 they may even be better than we often hear about. That said, the fact remains that there are fewer eggs and more of them are abnormal as the years tick on.

I do feel weird sometimes when I think about having another baby in my belly . . . as I look at all the newly sprouted grey hairs on my head. But I was chatting with another "geriatric" mom who is trying to conceive last night. It is what it is. In a "perfect" world, I wanted to be done having babies by now, but I also lost a good 18 months during TTC#2. We don't have control, and I know plenty of mamas who have had healthy babies after 35 and after 40.

Q6: What TTC supplies do you use?

• I have this basal thermometer for daily tracking.
• I have read this book many times -- Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
• I use this gigantic package of OPKs and Pregnancy Tests.
• That said, I also stock First Response tests because they're the most accurate.
• I track everything for free in the Fertility Friend App. 
• I take Nature Made Prenatal Vitamins. I also take D3, baby aspirin, and folic acid.
• We do also use Pre-Seed, but after four cycles . . . it isn't magic for us.
• I had been using royal jelly in honey. I recommend it (here's why), but check with your doctor.

Q7: You've only been trying six months, why are you seeing a doctor so soon?

My midwife recommended after being on progesterone for four months that I get checked out. My cycles, as I mentioned, are extremely predictable. I'm using ovulation strips and temperature charting, and nothing is happening. We had tried two months with all these tricks before the meds as well, so that is where the six months is coming from. I will turn 35 in July, and most advice you'll see suggests to be checked after 6 months if you're over 35. Since I'm close to that cut-off and have previous infertility issues, I figure it's better to get checked sooner rather than later.

This isn't to say I'm jumping into fertility treatments. I mostly need guidance on whether or not to continue using progesterone in the way I'm using it. I also need a new prescription. Beyond that, I just want to get baseline tests and make a relationship with a new doctor. I'd also like to arrange to have blood pregnancy tests at the end of each cycle. If you've ever done progesterone, there's always this nagging feeling that MAYBE you ARE pregnant and the test just isn't picking it up yet. I'd like to eliminate the maybe.

Those are the questions I've had the most of. If you guys have any others, let me know in the comments below!

In general, I am writing about this process because I like reading about what others are going through. Before we had our own struggles, I had no idea how hard it can be to get and stay pregnant. I want to be as authentic a voice for this process as I can be. So, that's that!

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How TTC is Going . . . Or Not

Here's an update on how trying to conceive baby number three is going. I am open about this process not to over-share, but because I find it helpful and interesting to keep up with others who are TTC. When you Google "how long does it take to get pregnant?" so much of what you'll find is discouraging if you don't see a positive test after a month or two. Anyway, if you don't like this sort of content, feel free to skip.

We're half a year deep into TTC baby number three. I didn't initially count the first two months of trying because we weren't using baby aspirin or progesterone. But we were using OPKs and timing things on point (trying in the five day period before/including ovulation). My luteal phase was only 10 days, so I figured we didn't have much chance. Yet, with timing things around ovulation . . . I suppose that was actively trying with a touch of denial to preserve my sanity.

Since then, I've continued using OPKs and have added temperature charting . . . along with baby aspirin, progesterone, and OPKs. Very good timing. It has to be this way to use the progesterone, it's not really a choice or me obsessing. I start three days after ovulation. Anyway, I had an extremely faint positive show up on two different brands of tests in September (I've learned to just let this roll. I don't consider it anything) . . . but I didn't make it to a blood test, as bleeding started right on target.

I'm not pregnant.

Of course, I know how long it can take and how even a positive test is no guarantee. But I'd be lying if I thought maybe this time I'd cheat the system somehow. After all, the very month I was put on progesterone with trying to conceive Eloise, we were successful. Not only that, but I had gotten pregnant two months in a row. Four times total in the span of a year. Timing is certainly not our issue, though I know that even with perfection the average is only a 20 percent chance or so to get a positive test in any given cycle. But then I see "stats" where some 80 percent of couples get pregnant within 6 months.

My midwife only gave me 4 months of progesterone and said I should see a doctor if it doesn't happen by the time the prescription is up. I actually have enough to eeeek by with one more month of trying, but I may schedule a workup anyway. I am nearing age 35. Hormone levels and other things can change between pregnancies. We're using tools to pinpoint ovulation. It doesn't hurt to check things out before we keep going.

That said, I won't be doing anything medical to enhance my fertility. Progesterone is where we'll end intervention (unless I need medication for thyroid or something). As I have said in the past, a third child would be wonderful . . . but we're trying not to go to crazy about it. Not that I think Clomid or other things are crazy by any means (please understand, there's no judgement here! I know the risk isn't super-high, but I cannot handle even a minute possibility of multiples). I just can't go through the level of mental anguish this time around as I did last. If it isn't happening, I'm going to try my best to just be at peace.

And even with all this tracking and such, I am in a good state of mind. Just frustrated. But calm. I know everyone says to calm down and it will happen. That's the last thing I wanted to hear when we were TTC for Eloise. Guess what? I ended up getting pregnant with her when I felt on the brink of insanity. In my experience, it's all a crap-shoot.

All this to say that I'm now wallowing. Six months really isn't that long in TTC-land, though my mind does nag at me because I know when I'm ovulating, I'm confirming ovulation, we're timing perfectly, and my luteal phase is a healthy 14 days thanks to the progesterone. Still, I'm continuing my life as normal. I'm even getting into such a good groove with yoga that I'm kinda sorta OK with not being pregnant (so I can keep going to my "harder" class).

It's just this quiet, dizzying world a lot of us find ourselves in. Whether you've been trying six months or many more. It's a cycle of excitement/hope/anticipation followed by disappointment/uncertainty. On repeat. I am incredibly grateful for my girls and continue to thank the universe every chance I get for the blessing of motherhood. It's not lost on me. This is just one part of my life right now. I wish it were easier -- for everyone. But that's not reality. If you're in a similar position, join me in breathing and gathering up more hope for the next cycle.

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Having Another Baby

If you've had a baby, you know that you'll inevitably be asked -- usually too soon -- if you're planning on having another baby someday. In Eloise's very first week of life, some old lady at the grocery store asked me if we'll try for "our boy" in the future. Once I had finally picked my jaw off the ground to tell her we weren't even specifically trying for a boy to begin with, she was gone.

I mean, seriously!

I had my postpartum checkup this week. Things are looking good down there, despite still healing from a "deep" second degree tear. My uterus is nice and high. All good things. Then we got on the topic of birth control, and I swiftly declined. I haven't done the pill since 2009. I've written a few articles on IUDs (here and here), so I know their merits. Still, it's not something I'm interested in doing. Instead, we'll follow the FAM method with lots of caution + barrier backup during breastfeeding (I got the lecture about breastfeeding babies). And a solid mix of abstinence, I joked, since I'm all sorts of touched out from breastfeeding.

After I had Ada, I basically screamed at anyone who would even suggest we think about having another child. I was only 28. We always knew we wanted to wait a couple years, though we never imagined it would be as long as it ended up being. This time around, the idea is something I'm having to consider sooner for seemingly more practical reasons.

First, I'm 33. That's still relatively young, but not a spring chicken, reproductively speaking. If we waited a couple years to try again, I'd be 35 -- and with my history, I feel like that's being overly optimistic. Advanced maternal age doesn't have to be a big deal, but it's definitely something to think about if we'll have a third sooner rather than later.

Second, I don't know if I want to put myself through potential losses or infertility again. (Plus, the risks can increase with age!) There's no guarantee we'd go through all of it . . . but at the prospect, I'm kind of freaked out. It was emotionally damaging, as I wrote about with healing my infertility wound. I did ask my midwife if I should just do the baby aspirin and progesterone thing again if we wanted to try -- and she said yes. So, there's that.

Third, money. Holy money. Is having three kids ridiculously more expensive than having two? I've read yes and no. We'll be done with a huge number of financial obligations in a couple years (most excitedly -- student loans!), so there'd be room. But it might be nice to save rather than spend.

Fourth, I feel really fortunate to have both of our girls. Maybe we're done? Maybe our family is complete? Only time will tell. But I feel like our home is bursting with love already. I've seen how love can grow . . . but if we decide that two children is it for us, I don't think I'll feel like we're missing anything.

For a long time, I felt like we WOULD be missing something if we didn't have a second. After thinking about it, that feeling was more about me mourning another pregnancy. We are so blessed to have Ada, and she would have been an awesome only child. Instead, it was about not necessarily having the choice since I had always just assumed. Anyway, I view pregnancy and childbirth so differently now. I've grown a lot. And though it is weird to think about never going through the whole experience again, I can be at peace with it.

Those are my thoughts right now on the "will we try for number three?" question. And, no, old lady at the grocery store, we both feel no need to try again to get "our boy." (I don't really understand that whole concept anyway.) For now, I plan to love this little one to pieces -- along with her big sister -- and mull upon this question again in a year or two.

I'll be back next week with a not-so mommy-heavy lineup of posts. Two recipes and some running plans, to be exact!

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