Fertility results + MTHFR -- Say WHAT?

I got my results back from my fertility blood work. Well, I actually called to ask about it and was told everything came back normal and that I'd be getting a letter in the mail. And I did on Saturday. It detailed my results for a wide array of tests.

Anti-Mullerian. This is your ovarian reserve. For someone my age (34), the number should fall somewhere between 0.176 to 11.705. My result is 7.644, which is apparently solid, indicating a good number of eggs.

My thyroid test came back totally normal.
My ANA screen was negative.
Anti-cardiolipin antibody, Cardiolipin, APC resistance -- all great numbers.

The receptionist had said everything was normal, so I kind of breezed through my report feeling like I aced a test. And then I dug into the MTHFR results . . . where I did a double-take. I saw a pesky "ABN" meaning abnormal next to the MTHFR c.665C>T (formerly known as C677T) and the word "heterozygous" -- WHAT?

I thought everything was "normal" . . . but seeing an abnormal result did make some sense.

The doctor's note on the letter included with my tests said that he wanted me to start daily Lovenox injections upon seeing a positive pregnancy test. I was all sorts of confused but assumed maybe it was a broad protocol if you've had recurrent loss issues in the past. I had made a note to call about that, but when I saw the MTHFR mutation, I immediately realized why he had recommended this course of treatment.

Because I'm a mutant.

OK. Back up.

What is MTHFR besides looking a lot like "m*therf*cker"?

I first encountered it when I was searching to find out why I kept miscarrying. In different TTC boards, women would all be talking about getting tested for MTHFR. I saw it come up so frequently, and I had planned to be tested for it . . . and then got pregnant with Eloise. This time around, I decided to ask to be tested because it affects more than pregnancy.

MTHFR is an important enzyme in the body that helps convert folic acid/folate into L-methylfolate. When this enzyme function is compromised, it can crop up as a number of different health issues. A heterozygous result means that I have a mutation of one of the two genes. In short: My body has tremendous difficulty processing folic acid in vitamins, foods, etc.

Hetero is the "less severe" version, but it's still associated with recurrent pregnancy loss, neural tube defects, among many other medical issues. And according to my results, some 35 percent of European Americans may have this mutation. So, it's actually not that rare. It's just relatively new as something people are treating and discovering.

Side note: I was foolish and didn't check with insurance before asking for this test. I'm now worried how much it cost! But I suppose it was important, regardless.

If you're curious to learn more about this mutation, I encourage you to do research. I'm just learning more than the absolutely basics. The U.S. National Library of Medicine has a good overview. So does the Genetic and Rare Diseases Information Center. And here it is explained in plain English.

I have more to say on this topic, but I didn't want to go too deep today. I mostly wanted to say that I found something out that may have at least something to do with recurrent pregnancy loss. Losing three or more pregnancies in a row is like a 1 percent possibility. I've always wondered in the back of my mind WHAT was up with it. And it's something that still worries me going forward. And also because I could have passed it onto my kids.

I ended up meeting with my doctor yesterday, and I'll be sure to write more about that soon. But this is already quite long!

Do you have an MTHFR mutation? How has it impacted your life? Any suggestions?

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TTC #3 // Reader Q+A

I have less than a week until my fertility consultation with my new doctor. I've gotten a few questions and general comments (via Instagram -- that's the best place to reach me these days) throughout my blogging about our desire to add another child to our family. I thought I'd do a quick post to hit on the major questions and themes. I'm trying not to dwell on it so much, but I also would rather get my thoughts out into the open.

Side note: I took this photo a REALLY long time ago right after I had graduated college. This pregnancy test washed up on the shore of Cayuga lake (don't pollute, people!). Seeing it felt so scandalous at the time. And now I've probably taken like 1,000 of these!

Q1: Why do you want a third child when you have two healthy kids?

This one came from someone who did not mean it in a flippant or disrespectful way whatsoever. It's a valid question, and it's one I ask myself on a daily basis. I've said it before, but I'll mention it again: We aren't trying for a boy, so that plays no role whatsoever. I do occasionally have doubts about my ability to raise three children, to afford them, to provide the best life for them. I waver. Sometimes I feel like it'll be amazing -- why worry? Other times I see myself falling short and think I should reevaluate.

There's just this tugging that both Stephen and I feel. I have chatted with older people who are well beyond their childbearing years. My own grandparents are included in this set. The resounding advice I have received has been to go for it. That we won't regret having another child if that is what we feel strongly in our hearts would make our family "complete". Some of these people decided against it and forever have wondered what would have been.

At the same time, we aren't dead-set on three at all costs. I have yet to get pregnant. I feel afraid I may have miscarriages again. And if that situation happens again, I don't know if I'll want to put myself or my family through it. What I can tell you is that going through such loss did strengthen our desire to add to our family . . . but it's a delicate balance to account for what we "want" and what is "good" for us. Does that make sense?

Q2: Have you had your thyroid checked?

Not recently. But that wasn't my issue before. It's something I'm asking about, and I do think it's part of the regular infertility workup.

Q3: Are you on X, Y, Z supplement?

I had been taking royal jelly and COQ10, but I've stopped all supplements for the time being. I was also practicing seed cycling but have decided to give that a rest as well. I had an issue when I was trying to get pregnant with Eloise where my ovulation wasn't happening until later than ideal (past day 20 in my cycle) and my luteal phase was maybe 9 days at best.

Being on progesterone has my cycles incredibly predictable and "normal". I ovulate between days 12-14 and have a 14-16 day luteal phase. That's about as textbook as it gets. As a result, I don't necessarily see the need to use supplements, because the purpose of many for me was regulation of cycle. That said, I do know that some may help with egg quality, but I first want to discuss them with the doctor.

Q4: Do you worry about medical issues with another child?

This question comes from my own mother. Obviously, with Ada's medical history -- it's a concern. We also have a genetic heart condition that runs in both sides of the family. My dad had open-heart surgery to correct his aortic stenosis that was caused by a bicuspid valve a little over a decade ago. Another close relative on my mother's side has a similar condition.

Here's something we all know: I have anxiety. And of course this is something (among many things) I do worry about. Ada's surgeon assured us that the issue she had (a very large, benign arachnoid cyst) is a fluke. It's not genetically inherited. I've read anecdotal evidence to suggest otherwise, but I am trusting the doctor on this one.

So, the answer to whether I worry is both yes and no. There are so many unknowns that come with having another child. I just watched a YouTube video from a mother who almost died during delivery -- so all of these things do run in my mind. It can be serious, scary stuff. Again -- my heart is telling me to forge ahead.

Q5: Are you worried about being over 35 soon?

This question has come from a few people because much of the literature you find will have age 35 as this big cutoff point with fertility. There are so many studies on this and so many medical opinions. What I've gathered from a lot of reading is that fertility rates don't necessarily decline quite as rapidly as we're lead to believe at 35. At 40 they may even be better than we often hear about. That said, the fact remains that there are fewer eggs and more of them are abnormal as the years tick on.

I do feel weird sometimes when I think about having another baby in my belly . . . as I look at all the newly sprouted grey hairs on my head. But I was chatting with another "geriatric" mom who is trying to conceive last night. It is what it is. In a "perfect" world, I wanted to be done having babies by now, but I also lost a good 18 months during TTC#2. We don't have control, and I know plenty of mamas who have had healthy babies after 35 and after 40.

Q6: What TTC supplies do you use?

• I have this basal thermometer for daily tracking.
• I have read this book many times -- Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
• I use this gigantic package of OPKs and Pregnancy Tests.
• That said, I also stock First Response tests because they're the most accurate.
• I track everything for free in the Fertility Friend App. 
• I take Nature Made Prenatal Vitamins. I also take D3, baby aspirin, and folic acid.
• We do also use Pre-Seed, but after four cycles . . . it isn't magic for us.
• I had been using royal jelly in honey. I recommend it (here's why), but check with your doctor.

Q7: You've only been trying six months, why are you seeing a doctor so soon?

My midwife recommended after being on progesterone for four months that I get checked out. My cycles, as I mentioned, are extremely predictable. I'm using ovulation strips and temperature charting, and nothing is happening. We had tried two months with all these tricks before the meds as well, so that is where the six months is coming from. I will turn 35 in July, and most advice you'll see suggests to be checked after 6 months if you're over 35. Since I'm close to that cut-off and have previous infertility issues, I figure it's better to get checked sooner rather than later.

This isn't to say I'm jumping into fertility treatments. I mostly need guidance on whether or not to continue using progesterone in the way I'm using it. I also need a new prescription. Beyond that, I just want to get baseline tests and make a relationship with a new doctor. I'd also like to arrange to have blood pregnancy tests at the end of each cycle. If you've ever done progesterone, there's always this nagging feeling that MAYBE you ARE pregnant and the test just isn't picking it up yet. I'd like to eliminate the maybe.

Those are the questions I've had the most of. If you guys have any others, let me know in the comments below!

In general, I am writing about this process because I like reading about what others are going through. Before we had our own struggles, I had no idea how hard it can be to get and stay pregnant. I want to be as authentic a voice for this process as I can be. So, that's that!

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Weirdest TTC Tricks

A lot of our TTC journey for Eloise was pretty dark, you know? But there were some moments we just had to laugh. I spent countless hours on forums sussing out the best techniques to get and stay pregnant. I mean, there's some insane stuff out there. I thought it would be interesting to share the wackiest methods I found, some of which I tried . . . and others I didn't. But I'll leave the guessing up to you.

Disclaimer: This is not medical advice. I am simply sharing the TTC tricks I have found from the bellows of the internet in my most maddening times of infertility/recurrent miscarriage. Please discuss taking any supplements and doing anything else drastic to change your routine with your doctor.

Pre-Seed Lube

Want to get pregnant fast? Pre-Seed Lubricant has you covered. Other lubricants may actually hinder the sperm's journey, but Pre-Seed gets those swimmers where they need to go in record time. This stuff is pricey, but it boasts a "clinically-proven" reputation, apparently mimics your own fluids, and may even help support sperm quality. Some women in TTC forums (you know -- infertility lore) believe this stuff helps more abnormal sperm get to the egg, increasing chances of miscarriage.

Instead Softcups

You know the Diva Cup and Luna Cup? Well, there's a disposable version of this period-catching device called the Instead Soft Cups. Women across the web explain that you can insert these guys after having sex to help keep the sperm next to the cervix, supposedly greatly increasing chances of conception. Not only that, some say they have their partner, uh, deposit into the cup and then insert if there's no time to do the deed on an important day (some same-sex couples even used this method to help with donor sperm).

Ovulation Kits

Using OPKs, as they are affectionately called in short-hand, isn't too weird. It's taking them multiple times a day -- 3 or 4 times -- that's the trick. Women say you can miss your surge unless you're really keeping track. Some believe the surge shows up most in the morning urine. Others say in the afternoon. Whatever the case, these strips measure the LH hormone that is present during ovulation. When the test line is darker than the control, it means ovulation will happen within a day or so. My advice? Use cheap test strips versus the electronic versions. The fancy and expensive type with smiley faces were confusing. My friend gave me a TON of her leftover cheapies, and I took them to my heart's content until I got pregnant with Eloise.

Maca

Word on the street is that taking this popular health food -- Maca Powder -- may do a number of things to help your chances of getting pregnant -- fast. Some women say it immediately helps balance their hormones and makes ovulation stronger. It may also increase libido, all while having some benefits for men with regard to fertility and virility. Others report that they stop ovulating while taking it. And some others say it worked for them after the second or third month of taking it.

Royal Jelly

I will fully admit I definitely did the Royal Jelly thing. Why am I sharing that I did this one? I believe it may work. I actually learned about it from a reader. What is it? Well, it's a supplement made from a secretion made by honey bees intended to nourish their larvae. It tastes like honey. The two months I used Royal Jelly (Stephen did, too!), I got pregnant. The first ended in a miscarriage and the second ended in Eloise. I took a heaping teaspoon in the morning and at night. Then I stopped taking it in the two-week wait. Both of the months I took it, my ovulation felt very strong and happened many days earlier (day 16 and -- on the month Eloise was conceived -- day 14 versus day 18-20).

Seed Cycling

I wrote a post about Seed Cycling a while back. Here's installment I and installment II for your reading pleasure. The idea here is that you may balance your hormones (estrogen/progesterone) by eating certain seeds at different times in your cycle. You eat one tablespoon each ground flax and pumpkin seeds in day 1 of your cycle through ovulation. Then you eat one tablespoon each ground sunflower seeds and sesame seeds from ovulation through your period. Yes. You can probably tell I am admitting I tried this trick, too. I put the seeds in a morning smoothie. I got pregnant with Eloise the month I did it. Who knows!

Progesterone Cream

Progesterone Cream seems like a favorite baby-sticking trick for women who may not qualify to get prescription progesterone supplements. Some women with PCOS even report using it to try and suppress ovulation for several months in hopes of making a stronger ovulation. You simply apply the cream to different parts of your body to try and supplement your body's own stores. This trick is often brought up in forums among women who have had multiple miscarriages -- people seem to either swear by it or say it totally does nothing compared to prescription supplements.

Temperature via Vag

I've written about tracking basal body temperature using a special thermometer. I do think this method works because it helps you see what your body might be up to ovulation-wise. I was even able to "predict" an early miscarriage this way. Basically, many women get a temp spike around ovulation each month. In the second phase of your cycle, progesterone in your body keeps temps high. If they don't plummet, you may be pregnant. If they do, you'll likely get your period. Anyway, the trick here is that taking the temperature in your vagina -- yes, just do it -- is way more effective than taking it in your mouth. You can learn so much about this whole thing in the bestselling book Taking Charge of Your Fertility.

Ferning

You can also buy a special Ferning Microscope to help monitor when ovulation might occur. You put your saliva in the scope and then look at it. When it create a ferning pattern, it's time to get busy. This tool gets mixed reviews. It's the size of a lipstick case, so it's easy to take wherever you're going. And it is potentially very helpful if you have irregular cycles and have absolutely no idea when you might ovulate based on the calendar.

Alternative Medicine, etc.

Some women think getting a chiropractic adjustment got them pregnant. Others say it's acupuncture that helped balance their chi and helped their body accept a pregnancy. I believe taking on a regular yoga practice lowered my stress levels and -- possibly -- helping me conceive. (Though, I do not believe that stress causes miscarriage ONE BIT.) What I want to add with this bullet is that if you're in the terrible trenches of a long TTC journey, you'll probably run across a lot of articles -- like this one -- where women SWEAR that X, Y, or Z made it SO EASY.

I am not trying to diminish anyone's feelings, but there are several camps of TTC-ers you'll encounter. What you may come across most often are women who don't get pregnant the very first month they try . . . that "miraculously" get pregnant by trying a number of popular tricks within a couple months. The thing is, it often takes several months for healthy couples to conceive naturally. So, many hints and secrets you come across need to be taken with a double margarita, rim lined with lots of salt.


I hope you found this post interesting. Like I said, I cannot say these things work or don't work. Sometimes just trying something can help you get through the madness and feel like you have some control when, in reality, maybe you really don't. Some of these things, like eating seeds, don't seem to hurt. Others, like taking hormonal creams, might. So, again. Discuss any big changes to your routine with your doctor. 

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9 Weeks + 4 Days D&C 
Moving Forward or Trying
The Girl Who Cried "Pregnant!"
Early and Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
Healing My Infertility Wound

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Healing My Infertility Wound

I was a complete mix of emotions this time last year. We were on our second cycle trying again after my missed miscarriage in the spring. I had several procedures and tests on the books to figure out why I kept miscarrying. Everything up until that point had come to the conclusion: Unexplained. The frustration had accumulated to an amount so crushing that I couldn't ignore it for more than half an hour. My life had become trying to get pregnant and, more importantly, trying to stay pregnant.

And I was starting to give up.

What I didn't know last year is that we'd suffer yet another loss, leading me to the bottom of the metaphorical ocean with hopelessness and despair. It sounds so intense to write now, but it was truly overpowering. All consuming. Terrifying, too. The next cycle, I became pregnant with Eloise. I still can't believe it happened. I still can't believe she's really here, healthy, and -- most times -- happy. As I sit typing today with an 8-week-old baby snoozing on my chest, I can tell you I feel some days like I've won the lottery.

After "conquering" our secondary infertility, I didn't expect to feel twinges of pain. I didn't expect to be transported back to the same emotions when I read pregnancy announcements or see bumps in my newsfeed. Or when people laugh and say how well we timed E's delivery with Stephen's work schedule. I didn't expect that there would still be times when all we went through seems so close beneath the surface. The severity has waned considerably, but there's still a lot I need to deal with to fully heal from the experience in my mind.

Has anyone else experienced this weird dichotomy of emotions?

There are times when I want to slap myself in the face and say: "You have no right to feel sad/angry/whatever -- you HAVE your baby. Others aren't so fortunate." And that really is the truth. We are fortunate, and I imagine that my feelings will get better -- as they have somewhat already -- with time. Heck. Some days I can't remember how we got here. Then I see flashes of all the OPKs, the doctor appointments, the positive tests, the negative ones, the blood and worse, the waiting for HCG numbers, the question marks, the calculating dates, the countless forum posts, etc.

It's got to take more time. Our recurrent pregnancy loss experience spanned over a year and we've had Eloise less than two mere months.

I came across an interesting essay on the topic of healing the wound of infertility. (It's on the RESOLVE site, which is a wonderful resource if you're going through infertility.) It made a lot of sense to me. Maybe in many ways, I have healed. But there's still that vulnerable, new skin that formed under the scab. That's what it feels like to me, at least. It's still sensitive to the touch. It still bears reminders of what cut it and how deeply. There will likely always be some scar that remains and will fade. The story will stick for life.

I wanted to write today to let all my friends dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss know that I'm thinking of you. It seems like it would be easy to just up and forget the battle once you've had your baby or moved on. Once you've "won." But, really, it isn't so simple and the "winning" feels bittersweet.

Love and strength to you, friends.

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Flicker of Light

When we arrived at the office for my ultrasound, my heart starting racing. I hadn’t been back to the office since everything with the miscarriage and D&C. But I immediately saw a friendly face. The tech who did all my ultrasounds in the spring was there, and it helped me feel at least somewhat more comfortable. We checked in and waited only a few minutes before getting called into the room.

The tech asked me when I last got my period and calculated my due date (6/26/16). Then I held my breath because I am supposed to be 5 weeks and 4 days today. In the spring, I was also supposed to be exactly this far along, but all we saw was a gestational sack and yolk that measured maybe 5 weeks at best. In the following ultrasounds the dates continued to lag despite eventually finding a heartbeat until one day when the heart just stopped beating.

The minute she placed the probe, we saw the gestational sack and yolk and -- in a blink -- I was able to see a tiny fetal pole. That’s what I had hoped beyond hope I would be able to see today. I couldn't contain myself and started tearing up as I took my first deep breath in hours. The pole measured 5 weeks and 4 days. Not only that -- there was a flicker of light. That’s right! Though it’s e.x.t.r.e.m.e.l.y early, our baby has a heartbeat. We can’t measure it yet, but none of us were expecting to see it this soon.

I met with my fertility doctor after the ultrasound and asked him about a million and one questions.

He told me I’m not considered high risk. I asked if I should see an OB versus a midwife this time along and he said to choose who I wanted, even recommended a midwife and said that since the practice has OBs, that I can ask questions or switch anytime I want. As far as running and other activity, he said I can do any exercise besides horseback riding. No activity has definitively been linked to miscarriage.

While things are still painfully early, this is the best pregnancy I’ve had this year. Everything is looking great and I’m hoping it will continue this trend. We’re taking this one day at a time. I took a super slow two mile jog in celebration. I think I may have even had my very first wave of nausea today. Bring it on. I just wanted to share this quick update. Anything can happen, but this appointment was a huge hurdle I needed to cross.

Thanks for all your encouraging words and kind notes.

They mean to much to me and my family.

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My Due Date // Coincidences

I’ve been quiet lately in all areas of my life. I didn’t know if I wanted to write anything about why, but you guys know me. I can’t keep quiet. Here it is: I’m having a hard time approaching the due date of our spring pregnancy. I had Ada at 38 weeks, so it’s heartbreaking knowing we might have possibly been holding that baby by now. Our due date was Thursday the 29th.

And in a blink . . . that date is basically here already.

Chemical pregnancies aren’t better or worse, but I didn’t see a heartbeat with those. I didn’t see a fetal pole or embryo. I didn’t have morning sickness. No D&C or horrible complications. They sort of just came and went and didn’t do anything more than temporarily lift and then ultimately crush our spirits. Like a bad dream.

To complicate things, I found out I’m pregnant two weeks ago. Yes. It’s true. For the fourth time this year. Last month when I got the positive, the joy was short-lived. My test basically went negative in two days. I thought it couldn’t possibly happen 3 times, so I got very excited. This time, my hCG has been rising appropriately (every 35 hours), but -- it did with my baby who was due this week, so it’s giving me little comfort. I feel disturbingly neutral.

If you’re getting whiplash from all these pregnancy announcements, I don’t blame you. Feel free to skip this sort of stuff. I feel crazy and foolish. I debated sharing for the last two weeks because who knows how it will turn out. With my history, it isn’t looking great. At the same time, I’m not the type who can post a cornbread recipe with all this stuff going on in the background. Though I’m trying to chug along and will hopefully get back to “normal” writing soon.

Things that are different this month:

My doctor has been asking me all along to keep close track of everything. Had I not caught last month’s chemical, he may not have prescribed 200 mg of progesterone starting at 5 days after I ovulated (not orally, if you catch my drift) twice a day. I have also been taking baby aspirin since before conception. I hear mixed experiences about the efficacy of this treatment plan for recurrent pregnancy loss. So, at least if things don’t go well again, we’ll know that we need to dig deeper. The progesterone gives me heart palpitations but otherwise I don’t have enhanced pregnancy symptoms.

In fact, I have fewer than usual. But that’s a story for another day.

Strangely enough -- and without any sort of messing from me -- my first ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday. That’s right. The 29th. My due date. A weird coincidence? A sign from the universe? And get this -- I’ll be 5 weeks and 4 days, just like my first ultrasound with that pregnancy. I’m feeling anxious. I’m scared it’s going to go down exactly as it did in March. The dates will look off  from the start even though I’m sure of them, we’ll have to wait and wait and wait and wait some more.

I know I should try to have more hope, but it’s immensely difficult. I keep reminding myself that today I am pregnant. That’s all I can do. Of course, I’ll update when I can, but I had to get it off my chest. I could use any and all of your good vibes if you’re willing to send them my way. Thanks as always for your sensitivity and understanding.

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Thoughts On Sibling Age Gaps

Blogging is really hard through all this infertility stuff. Not because of what I’m sharing. I like being upfront and honest. Plus, it’s hard to not share what’s going on in our lives. It’s just the nature of the blogging beast. However, I have to admit it's been especially hard for me lately because for each pregnant person I encounter in real life . . . there are like 10,000 or more bloggers/etc. who are pregnant or have gaggles of kids.

I try not to look. 

I try not to care. 

(Seriously. I don’t even know these people!)

I try to just do me. 

But as we approach October, it’s wearing on me. I dropped Ada off at preschool the other morning (in the midst of my latest miscarriage) and one of her sweet teachers from last year saw my stroller and said: “Oh! Who’s that in there? Ada said last year that you were expecting a baby!” And I just about lost it right there in the parking lot.

So much time has passed, and we’re just standing still. I am starting to feel like a barren alien.

You see, I used to have all these ideals and ideas surrounding age gaps. We knew we didn’t want to have kids back-to-back, so we planned originally to wait until Ada’s second birthday to start casually trying. Well, her surgery and recovery sort of sucked up most of the year. I don’t regret waiting, and we weren’t in a rush. TTC during all that would have been difficult if not impossible -- life happens, plans (hah!) change. 

And I certainly took my previous show of fertility for granted. Of course a baby would be waiting in the wings for us precisely when we were ready.

Right?

This is a long way to say we always wanted a three to four year age gap. By now, those possibilities have come and gone, and I’m (miraculously) feeling much more relaxed about the whole thing. My friends will probably tell you otherwise because I was absolutely o.b.s.e.s.s.e.d with it for a while. Looking back, I was actually just obsessed with why it wasn’t working out, why we kept losing pregnancies, and feeling some major desperation. I was also quite jealous since it seemed other families were able to “choose” their gaps. Heck, there are tons of articles written on the subject, entire forums dedicated to finding the “perfect” gap, etc.

Whenever I see a family at the store or otherwise out and about, I absolutely delight when I see larger gaps. Like, it gives me this HUGE boost. We’re mostly surrounded by kids with 2 to 3 year gaps. Many closer together as well. So, I feel like a hunter in the wild. “Stephen! I saw this family today with a girl who looked about age 8 and a baby!” Or “Did you see those kids? There’s GOT to be at least six years between them!” 

At this stage, I’m much less concerned with the size of the gap. Though, I’d be lying if I told you time doesn’t feel like some immense weight in all of this. I have watched so darned many pregnancies from start to finish and keep waiting (and waiting and waiting) for my turn. In other words: I’m more worried there won’t be an age gap at all. (Again, we are so incredibly blessed with Ada. Please don’t get me wrong. Secondary infertility is such a tricky subject. I am constantly reminding myself that I am grateful and blessed while still not feeling our family is complete.)

So, here it is. If you want another baby, try to have another baby. Don’t fret over perfect or right or what your friends are doing (so, so, so hard!). Don’t take your fertility for granted. Don’t spend hours researching or worrying your time away. But -- on the flip side -- don’t gloat about designing your perfect family. No one wants to hear that.

In the end, all gaps tell stories. Some are longer and have more chapters than others. And what works for one family (or, rather, happens) might not work or work out for yours.

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Seed Cycling // Phase Two

(TMI Warning: If you don’t like TTC or menstrual cycle talk, skip this post. Also: I’m not claiming anything I’m doing works or doesn’t work -- it’s all an adventure.)

Today I started my second batch of seeds for Seed Cycling. To recap: Seed cycling might have the power to help regulate hormones. In the first half of your cycle (pre-ovulation), you consume 1 tablespoon of ground flax seeds and pumpkin seeds each day. In the second half (post-ovulation), you consume ground sesame seeds and sunflower kernels each day.

Here are my seeds:

I didn’t plan on writing an update so soon, but I definitely have noticed a few things, so I figured I’d share. Now, I am not doing seed cycling in isolation this month. I’ve sort of put myself on a mini bootcamp of sorts to see if I could help with my late (for me) ovulation and premenstrual symptoms. You see, I was always an ovulate between cycle day 15 to 16 sort of gal. I was that way when I got pregnant with Ada on our first try. And even though I wasn’t charting years ago, all the fertile signs pointed to those days consistently. I think I also had a 12 to 13 day luteal phase back then.

This past year (well, over that now) my cycles were really erratic. I mean, it started before TTC and got really bad last fall. I was ovulating one month on cycle day 11 and the next on cycle day 20, another on cycle day 13 and the next on cycle day 17. This isn’t awfully abnormal because I’ve read it’s “OK” to ovulate before day 21 . . . but the inconsistency worried me.

When I conceived in the winter, I ovulated on cycle day 20. My luteal phase during all this time had been around 10 to 11 days but I was spotting starting around 8 to 9 days, sometimes more. Very strange. No one ever told me why. I had lots of tests. Then when I got pregnant, it didn’t seem to impact stuff. Even when I miscarried, my body held onto the pregnancy, so it seemed progesterone wasn’t an issue.

Ever since the miscarriage and D+C, my ovulation has been between 18 and 20 days consistently for about five months. So, I guess it’s good there’s a regular pattern, but it definitely felt like my body wanted to ovulate sooner. I’d get lots of pains, fertile mucous (sorry!), and weird, erratic temperature patterns despite taking my temp the preferred way. I have no idea what exactly is working . . . but this month I got a positive OPK on cycle day 13! And with a notable temp shift this morning (and monitoring various other signs), I’m pretty sure I ovulated this month on cycle day 15.

FIFTEEN!

Holy moly. That’s awesome.

Along with seed cycling this month, I’m doing a few other “new” things to help regulate myself. Like I wrote at the start of this post, I don’t know if any of this is actually working or if my body is totally in control. I’d like to think there’s a connection. Regardless, I see these things as stuff that will improve my overall health -- not just reproduction -- so, why not?

• I’m taking Rainbow Light Prenatals daily
• I’m drinking a green smoothie almost every day
• I’m avoiding gluten, but not totally abstaining
• I’m avoiding sugar, but not totally abstaining
• I’m following this 10K plan, so running approximately 15 miles a week
• I’m doing yoga 5 to 6 times a week between 15 minutes to 1 hour
• I am taking a couple teaspoons of Royal Jelly each day*
• I’m drinking tons of water and herbal tea
• I’m upping my protein with Greek yogurt, eggs, beans, lentils, oats, etc.
• I’ve been drinking only a glass of wine or so on weekends

* A reader suggested this to me on Facebook. Stephen and I have both been taking it this month. It tastes like honey. It’s supposedly a superfood and great for fertility. I figure it can’t hurt much. Has lots of B vitamins.


So, I don’t know. Either something or some combination of things is working. Or my body is just being nice this month. I’m not really sure and won’t know until future cycles. I’m hoping my cycle will continue to regulate, and I’ll be interested to see if my luteal phase lengthens at all this month. Since the miscarriage, it’s been around 11 days with a little time on the 12th day before a half day or less of spotting. It’s better than in the fall, so that’s good.

I have a question for those of you who have tried Royal Jelly.

Do you take it your entire cycle? I hear it promotes estrogen. I also hear it’s fine your entire cycle. Other places cite that it’s good throughout pregnancy. Other places say you need to give your digestive system a rest every 15 days. Right now, I decided to take half while I figure it out.

I’ll continue to share my results with seed cycling and other stuff. I hope this is interesting and even helpful to some of you with similar struggles!


And if you’re looking for an easy way to grind your seeds -- use your COFFEE GRINDER (here’s the one we have)! I don’t know why I didn’t start doing this until now. The seeds get really nice + powdery. Perfect for blending into smoothies. My friend Ellie shared that a wonderful way to clean out your grinder is with some uncooked rice.

Happy Wednesday!

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I’m Trying // Seed Cycling

In my deep fertility-related internet searches, I came across the practice of seed cycling. Have you guys heard of this? I actually had before. A long while ago, as one of my friend’s moms swore by the practice. The idea is that the female body is ruled by different hormones at different phases in their cycles. Certain seeds can support these hormones, and -- as a result -- “seed cycling” is a practice often promoted by naturopaths.

Before I write more, just note if you suspect you have a major hormone imbalance, it’s best to work with your doctor first. I’ve had mine tested and they’re all in “normal” limits, so I see seed cycling simply as a support of good function. There’s not a lot of scientific proof it even works, but I’ll get to that later.

Hormones at work:

For those of you unfamiliar with your menstrual cycles (I’m way too familiar at this stage), there’s the Follicular Phase (before ovulation, average days 1 throughout 14) and the Luteal Phase (after ovulation, average days 15 through 28). My own cycle isn’t quite this predictable, but you get the gist.

// The Follicular Phase is more estrogen dominant.

In the first half of your cycle, your body fosters and prepares to release the egg. Disruption to the balance of estrogen can result in anovulation (skipped ovulation), late ovulation, or even painful ovulation.

// The Luteal Phase features progesterone on center stage.

This half of your cycle is all about preparing the uterine lining for implantation and supporting possible pregnancy. Too much progesterone can lead to intense PMS symptoms. Too little can inhibit pregnancy or lead to mid-cycle spotting (indication of many things, but often a premature breakdown of the lining).

What do seeds have to do with it? 

Supposedly, you can balance estrogen and progesterone by eating certain foods. I write supposedly with some weight here; I have only just begun my own adventure trying this stuff out. But you’ll find plenty of happy women who are convinced the seeds worked major magic to lessen PMS symptoms and even boost their fertility.

// Flax and pumpkin seeds contain a hefty dose of omega-3 fatty acids. Flax contains something called lignans, which can actually block excess estrogen. There’s actually a lot of zinc in the pumpkin seeds that helps with progesterone production, but the flax counteracts and balances.

// Sunflower and sesame seeds give your body a mix of selenium and zinc. The work together to promote hormone balance between estrogen and progesterone in the second half of your cycle.

The most research on this topic has been done on flax. For example, a study published by the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism (in the early 1990s) focused on the consumption of flax and the menstrual cycle. Though researchers did not discover a link between eating flax and a longer luteal phase, the "LP progesterone/estradiol ratios were significantly higher during the flax cycles.”

Interesting.

What you consume:

Follicular Phase (approximately days 1 through 14, or before O)

• 1 tablespoon ground flax seeds + 1 tablespoon ground pumpkin seeds per day.

Luteal Phase (approximately days 15 through 28, or after O)

• 1 tablespoon ground sunflower kernels + 1 tablespoon ground sesame seeds per day.

Now, if your cycles are terribly irregular or even absent, you are supposed to start with the Follicular Phase seeds in conjunction with the new moon. I’ve read a few places that if this works for you (or at all), you can expect to see changes around the 3-month mark.

Toss your seeds into smoothies, make tasty energy chunks with them, sprinkle them on toast with honey, or stir them into morning oatmeal. Whatever you do, consume them raw and ground for the best absorption. You should ideally avoid the seeds that don’t correspond with your hormone needs during the opposite part of each cycle.

Seriously?!

I don’t know, you guys. It sounds a bit nutty (seedy?) to me, too. 

At the same time, I do think food and what we consume can have an impact on our bodies -- menstrual cycles included. There’s such a link between the inside and out, the inner workings and our external environment. What we put into our bodies has power. To me, this whole seed cycling thing falls in the category of couldn’t really hurt, why not try?

And -- really -- so far the major impact seed cycling has had on me is helping to keep my diet healthy. It’s making me think more about the foods I’m consuming. So, I guess that’s helpful regardless.

Resources:

If you’re interested in reading more about this seed cycling practice, check out some of these sites. I’ve only given you the short and sweet version.

• Seed Cycling for Natural Hormone Balance
• Seed Cycling for Fertility
• Seed Cycling: Gentle Ways to Restore Normal
• Seed Cycling Protocol

What do you think?

I’d love to know if any of you have tried seed cycling before. Did you like it? Is it all hype? Leave a note in the comments. I’ll be sure to let you know what results -- if any -- I experience in my little experiment.

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The Thing About Secondary Infertility

No news here. I’m sure you figured that from the title. Anyway, I had a good last couple months mentally about this trying thing. I’ve actually felt confident and centered around TTC. I’ve been charting, using OPKs (finally, FINALLY found some that work for me), noting other important signs, having impeccable timing, and relaxing about the whole thing (which sounds impossible with all that tracking, but somehow it happened, at least somewhat).

My temperature plummeted yesterday morning, so I know where we stand for this month.

Ugh.

I’ve been having all these thoughts lately. The longer I travel on the road of secondary infertility, the more I feel unsure about the future. Ada’s quick conception and (relatively) uncomplicated pregnancy was indeed a blessing. It was also a curse, because I surely believed I knew my body and what to expect from this process. You track your cycle, do you what you need to do around ovulation, and get pregnant right away (or at least within a few months). 9 months later, you have a baby.

At least that’s how it worked the first time.

Now? I have no idea what is going on. I feel like I’ll never be pregnant or carry to term again. I’m losing confidence in myself and my body. I feel a lot of doubt and skepticism.

The thing about secondary infertility is that you’re in a sort of no man’s land. Even doctors and nurses have said to me “well, you know you can conceive and carry a pregnancy . . . so it will happen.” I get it. And the statistics are stacked in our favor on this. But as the months and years drag on, I’m becoming less sure of this “fact.” It makes everything feel so much more isolating.

Also: Having a kid already somehow makes my feelings about this process less valid to others. “Well, you’re blessed to have Ada,” is something I hear regularly. That’s the most obnoxious of all. Of course I’m smitten with my daughter. But that doesn’t necessarily make this easier.

I dreaded going into the school year without my BFP. I’ll admit I don’t have the purest thoughts sometimes when I’m around lots of moms with babies and hoards of kids. I still feel sadness, anger, and a big green jealousy. Now I’ll be taking Ada to a baby-laced gauntlet each and every morning. Of course, that’s incredibly, overly dramatic, but it feels like they’re coming at me from every direction.

You know when you get a new car and you all of a sudden notice that everyone else is driving that car? It’s sort of like that with pregnancy. Lately I’ve been running into so many pregnant October mamas. As that month draws closer, I feel pretty darned empty. I am coping in my own way, and I’m probably making it all sound way more intense than it actually feels. I am just starting to wonder how long this will take . . . if it ever happens again. Or if it happens, if I’ll just miscarry again.

The thing about secondary infertility is that it sucks as much as regular infertility, but I don’t feel like I can fully express my frustration or sadness without seeming ungrateful. Or greedy. Or mentally unstable. I feel like I shouldn’t want this second baby so badly because we’re already blessed. And then there’s the part where I can’t exactly get away from my countless bins of baby clothes. The long-forgotten baby swing and bouncer in my garage. There are so many constant reminders of the state of my vacant uterus.

I’m going to have to toughen up for what’s ahead, and I’ve accepted that.

As far as what we’re doing moving forward. Stephen is finally going to get tested. My doctor doesn’t seem to think it’s necessary, but I’d have greater peace of mind being able to check him off the list. If I don’t get pregnant next month, I’d like to meet with my doctor again. He said to wait another 6 months, but I don’t feel right having zero interaction.

If I simply wasn’t getting pregnant, that would be one thing -- but I still can’t figure out why it was so hard the last time only to end in miscarriage. There might not be a reason. Still, I’m hoping there might be most tests (HSG, more comprehensive thyroid, etc.) to take. Or something. Anything.

So, that’s the update. Wish it was a happier one. Hope those of you who are TTCing are having better luck than we are. If you’re not, you’re certainly not alone.

xoxo


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