Healing My Infertility Wound

I was a complete mix of emotions this time last year. We were on our second cycle trying again after my missed miscarriage in the spring. I had several procedures and tests on the books to figure out why I kept miscarrying. Everything up until that point had come to the conclusion: Unexplained. The frustration had accumulated to an amount so crushing that I couldn't ignore it for more than half an hour. My life had become trying to get pregnant and, more importantly, trying to stay pregnant.

And I was starting to give up.

What I didn't know last year is that we'd suffer yet another loss, leading me to the bottom of the metaphorical ocean with hopelessness and despair. It sounds so intense to write now, but it was truly overpowering. All consuming. Terrifying, too. The next cycle, I became pregnant with Eloise. I still can't believe it happened. I still can't believe she's really here, healthy, and -- most times -- happy. As I sit typing today with an 8-week-old baby snoozing on my chest, I can tell you I feel some days like I've won the lottery.

After "conquering" our secondary infertility, I didn't expect to feel twinges of pain. I didn't expect to be transported back to the same emotions when I read pregnancy announcements or see bumps in my newsfeed. Or when people laugh and say how well we timed E's delivery with Stephen's work schedule. I didn't expect that there would still be times when all we went through seems so close beneath the surface. The severity has waned considerably, but there's still a lot I need to deal with to fully heal from the experience in my mind.

Has anyone else experienced this weird dichotomy of emotions?

There are times when I want to slap myself in the face and say: "You have no right to feel sad/angry/whatever -- you HAVE your baby. Others aren't so fortunate." And that really is the truth. We are fortunate, and I imagine that my feelings will get better -- as they have somewhat already -- with time. Heck. Some days I can't remember how we got here. Then I see flashes of all the OPKs, the doctor appointments, the positive tests, the negative ones, the blood and worse, the waiting for HCG numbers, the question marks, the calculating dates, the countless forum posts, etc.

It's got to take more time. Our recurrent pregnancy loss experience spanned over a year and we've had Eloise less than two mere months.

I came across an interesting essay on the topic of healing the wound of infertility. (It's on the RESOLVE site, which is a wonderful resource if you're going through infertility.) It made a lot of sense to me. Maybe in many ways, I have healed. But there's still that vulnerable, new skin that formed under the scab. That's what it feels like to me, at least. It's still sensitive to the touch. It still bears reminders of what cut it and how deeply. There will likely always be some scar that remains and will fade. The story will stick for life.

I wanted to write today to let all my friends dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss know that I'm thinking of you. It seems like it would be easy to just up and forget the battle once you've had your baby or moved on. Once you've "won." But, really, it isn't so simple and the "winning" feels bittersweet.

Love and strength to you, friends.

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Eloise Joy // Birth Story

When I woke up Tuesday morning, I was feeling particularly anxious about the state of my uterus. The pressure and low sensations I had had for a good part of my pregnancy had gone away. My near-constant Braxton Hicks had waned considerably (being pregnant and not having contractions all the time feels amazing, by the way!). But here I was in my 38th week -- the week in which Ada was born -- feeling like Baby E would come by, well, July 4th at this rate.

(Here's the bump pic I was going to use in an update on week 38):

My mother-in-law had driven up last Thursday to spend this 38th week with us. Part of me had always somehow expected to go into labor exactly when and how I did with Ada. Of course, that's incredibly foolish, but I had a hunch and liked grasping onto something that might be predictable.

Also? My mother-in-law had had two weird dreams. In both, Stephen was at school, my water broke, she drove me to the hospital, and I had Baby E on June 15th. The catch: The baby in her dream was always a boy that we named Abraham. When she initially told me about her dreams, I rolled my eyes and was like "yeah, maybe..."

So, Tuesday. I had a lot of errands to run. I had to pay the mortgage, quarterly estimated taxes, and some doctor bills. I had  to run up to Ada's school to drop off kindergarten paperwork. I also wanted to clean all the floors in the house. We took a long walk to get the bulk of the errands done and -- again -- barely any Braxton Hicks (so weird!) or any feelings of low pressure.


We picked up Ada at school where she was having a special swim day (I'd been walking all morning at this point!), came home and played in the backyard with bubbles, ate lunch, and then Ada randomly decided to designate this tree in our backyard as the wishing tree. I said "can we wish that Baby E would come today?!" And Ada replied "no, mommy. She isn't ready." I made a silly, silent wish at the tree anyway and headed indoors to read Ada a story before her nap. We cuddled a bit, read Beauty and the Beast, I tucked her in, and then I decided to use the restroom before heading downstairs.

That's when I felt a small gush of fluid.

Maybe a few tablespoons. Nothing major. Nothing completely watery -- more like drool consistency (if that's TMI, you might want to stop reading). Clear. It was similar to some discharge I had throughout my pregnancy, but because it kind of gushed, I decided to call the midwife. The whole high risk GBS thing had me on alert anyway, so they told me to come in and get the fluid tested at Labor and Delivery.

I got Ada up, told my mother-in-law I felt like a hypochondriac, called my parents and Stephen (and told them over and over again "this isn't IT -- I am sure I am just being crazy"), and we headed to the hospital. I told the nurses I was sorry I was wasting their time. "I'm just really worried my water would break and I wouldn't know -- but there was so little and I've had nothing since," I said. We did the swab. "It could take a good 10 minutes for the results," said the nurse. And then about 30 seconds later: "Well, that was indeed your water. Very clear, fast positive result. Looks like we'll be checking you in."

Whaaaaaa?


Immediately I felt this weird sense of both relief and terror. I had fretted for weeks about what we'd do with Ada during labor, but that was taken care of. Then I realized that neither of the midwives in my practice were on duty until the next day. Instead, I was going to be with an OB I had never met before. She called in the orders to start me on the GBS meds right away and to start a line of Pitocin as well.

"What do you MEAN I am doing Pitocin already???"

Visions of a "cascade of interventions" started dancing through my head. Couldn't I just try to get contractions started on my own? I wasn't feeling any, but I guess I was having a few extremely light ones between 3 and 7 minutes apart.

We checked my cervix, which was dilated to a whopping 2, which was even a bit generous. I had absolutely no pain, no more water or discharge, and I again asked about the Pitocin. It was agonizing deciding that early on if I wanted to augment my labor. They said I could skip it and wait, but the GBS stuff was nagging at me. I could write a lot about how I had way too much time to rationalize this entire experience. I think that was one of the weirdest parts.

When I had Ada, I went in basically moaning on the floor like an animal and was nearly 6 centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. Stuff got real -- and fast. This time? I had a small gush, no contractions, no pain, and was already feeling on the clock. I was joking with everyone and walking the halls with Ada.

It was so incredibly different than the first time around!


"This is going to end in a c-section, isn't it?" I asked. But then many of you chimed in on Instagram that Pitocin didn't necessarily mean I was doomed (I'm not knocking c-sections -- I am just legit terrified of being awake during a surgery like that). Nor did it mean that I wouldn't be able to stay on top of the pain. And PS: I was on Instagram while in "labor" . . . that's ridiculous to me. I was reading stuff on my phone and generally bored while waiting for things to progress.

Anyway, I decided to just go with it. Very reluctantly.

And this tree of medicines became my labor partner.


Like I've said a million times, the higher risk of GBS infection is something I had researched and adding prolonged rupture of membranes wasn't something I wanted to fool around with. My antibiotic was done and we started the drip at a level 2 (5 pm), increasing by 2 every half hour. My parents arrived and visited for a bit and I was in a really bad mood. I was really emotional because I knew I'd have to miss Ada's preschool graduation the next evening. I was really upset that I was hooked up to so many IV lines, etc.

We kept increasing the Pitocin until we reached level 16 (9-ish pm) which is when I had my first REAL, painful contractions. They were coming every 2-3 minutes and they finally felt like the ones I had come into the hospital with when I had Ada.

Except as of 10:45 pm, I was only dilated to a 4 and 60% effaced. Seriously? The pain was getting pretty intense, and I worried that somehow I did something that morning to make my water break and baby just wasn't ready. A little while later, I asked if I could hop into the shower to see if it might get things going faster. Fifteen minutes later, I felt like something exploded down below. No, it was like a cannon going off in my nether regions. It turns out that my initial water break may have only been a high leak or a forewater bag. What happened in the shower was like WHOA, definitely my water. And that's when sh*t got real.

It was like 11:45 pm by now. The contractions were, well, owwwwwwwww-uch. Unrelenting. They weren't too much more crazy than the ones in my labor with Ada, but there was something more beefy to them. I was dilated to a 7, so I had entered transition. Fluid and blood were definitely part of the picture now. This is probably why I was starting to think about the pain meds.

I actually decided I wanted an epidural at some point, but then my nurse came in to say that the baby's heart rate was decelerating and I needed to get out of the shower ASAP. The contractions got even more intense out of the water and within the next 15 minutes I was fully dilated and there just wasn't time to do any pain management.

My body was turning itself inside out. I did not have this sensation with Ada. They had called the OB a while back but my body had started to just push with all its might. The nurse told me it was important I not give in to the urge. I kept apologizing because I just COULD NOT stop. We tried changing positions to get things to stall a bit. That's when the OB walked in and said "Oh, did you see that? I think I just saw the cord." Hearing that somehow made me able to hold it in better. I was able to breathe through a few contractions while she got suited up.

I asked "do you think pushing will take long now?" With Ada, I pushed over two hours and nothing felt productive until the very end when they were able to get her to turn from being stubbornly posterior. The OB said "I think you'll have her out in, uhhh, a few minutes." And that gave me this huge rush of confidence. They turned me to my back (pure hell) so I could get in better position for unwrapping the cord.

I pushed once and the ring of fire hit. The head was out.

I pushed again and the OB said "reach down and grab your baby!"

Eloise Joy entered the world screaming her head off at 12:15 am.

She was 7 pounds, 2.2 ounces and 19 inches long. Apgars 9 and 9.

(This is my WTF? That just happened in two pushes?! face.)


From first painful contraction to the delivery of Eloise, it was only three hours.

I want to write more about having a birth experience that totally took me off guard. I was hooked up to a gazillion IV lines the whole time, I was monitored the entire time and looked at a screen tracking all my progress. So weird. I spent so much of the labor just waiting for things to happen when I have always joked with Stephen "why on Earth do people bring movies and music to their labors?" In the end, it was all good. But it was a difficult experience for me where I felt a bit out of control of what was going on.

We're all doing well and at home after a 72-hour hospital stay (since I had her at midnight and we needed to stay 48 hours to monitor for signs of sepsis). The funny thing? I believe Ada was born at like 38 weeks and 4 days. Eloise came at 38 weeks and 3 days. And my mother-in-law's dream? Yeah. She got it right. June 15th. Water broke, Stephen was at work, but the baby is still a girl.

We're in love.


Thank you for all your support and kind well wishes over the last several days!

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Pregnancy: Week 35

I feel like I'm just coming up for air this week -- and it's Thursday! So, we have a lot of stuff going on. It started with Ada's dance recital last weekend, which was quite time consuming (and adorable), but we've been dealing with some other medical stuff. Without going into the gory details -- Ada has a rash. We have now been to four doctors and no one can tell us what it is. I've been in and out of appointments and tests for the last two weeks.

She's doing fine otherwise -- but it's unnerving not knowing what is going on. We've also missed all but one day of school this week, meaning I've had zero work time and my house is an utter disaster.

Excuses out of the way -- here's my week 35 pregnancy post.

And bump shot:

I had an ultrasound yesterday! Those of you who followed during Ada's pregnancy know that I had something like 8 ultrasounds with her due to all my contractions. My midwife this time around didn't do that. At (many) times, it frustrated me immensely. I hadn't seen Baby E since week 18, so nearly 18 weeks with no view into the uterus.

I had no idea we'd get a 3D picture:


They estimate her weight at around 5.5 pounds. I know the projections are notoriously wrong, but if babies gain 1/2 a pound per week, that puts her on track to weigh as much as Ada. Her head is measuring right on, along with most of her body. Her waist is a week or so behind. Ada's was that way, too, so I'm not terribly worried. Baby is head-down for the time being but does seem to be a bit on the posterior side (which I could have told you without seeing her). All the systems look healthy and like they're functioning, along with my placenta, and etc. Very reassuring.

Thank goodness for central air. At one of Ada's appointments this morning, they stuck us in this tiny room and the air wasn't working. It was 80 degrees, stagnant, and I seriously almost passed out. I had to go to the lobby and ask for water (I did so rather dramatically, which was totally unintentional). Outside wasn't any better for the rest of our errands, so we've retreated indoors and set the thermostat much lower than we usually keep it (70 degrees versus 73, oh my!).

This weekend is supposed to be wicked hot, too. I'm trying to lay low, do my walking and exercise indoors, and I'm drinking over 100 ounces of water.

I toured the hospital with the NICU last weekend. After my post about pregnancy anxiety + GBS, I have had some progress in my own fears. The thing is, I know what will be will be. I just want to make sure we're doing everything we can. That we have a plan in place. That I don't feel completely blindsided no matter if everything is completely fine or turns out horribly. I talked at length with my midwife, and we do have plans for different scenarios in place, so all is good (or at least as good as it can be).

I ordered Ada's big sister gift. I decided to get her a couple friends to help her through her transition from single to sibling. Have you guys seen these Lottie Dolls? They're adorable. I got her the Muddy Puddles and Pandora's Box. Ada is getting Baby E a Fisher Price Seahorse. Since she has pink, she got her sister a blue one.

Her sister. I am pinching myself. Is this real?

Sitting in chairs -- dining room, office, car, etc. -- is what really kicks up my Braxton Hicks contractions. I need to either be standing, on all fours, or laying down. I'm really frustrated because the car is especially bad and my 15-year high school reunion is this weekend, but I decided to skip it.

I think one of my biggest frustrations during my pregnancy was not being classed as high risk. There were advantages and disadvantages. I don't really understand why I wasn't high risk, but between all the miscarriages, constant contractions, the history of a child with a congenital brain condition, and GBS UTIs, I felt like I've needed closer monitoring.

It's pretty late now, but I am mostly frustrated with myself for not exploring and finding out why I didn't have as much monitoring. Everything has been OK, thankfully, but I feel like a lot of my worries and anxieties could have been alleviated with some extra checkups and scans that several of my friends with similar circumstances were given. 



Other stuff:

• Weight gain: 20 pounds total
• Days till due date: 31 -- a month!
• Days till gestation when I had Ada: 19
• Cravings: Just very hungry in general. Rice Crispy treats. Nectarines and strawberries. Runny eggs (but I'm waiting on those).
• Other weird symptoms: My hands are starting to get swollen which may be from the heat. I also have a bad case of pregnancy brain. Out of breath. Just generally slower and not feeling at all like my old self. I don't remember feeling this way with Ada. Five years makes a big difference, I guess.
• Biggest complaint: I cannot keep my house clean and it's really bugging me. Nesting is in full force, and all I want is to be able to eat off the floor. This weekend is going to be a lot of deep cleaning. #allthevinegar
• My prediction on baby's birthday: June 12, mid-afternoon
• Recent purchase: A diaper bag of sorts. The Kavu Railslide in Campground. I love it. I also bought one of those Shredded Memory Foam pillows and it's amazing.

Other updates:

• 33 weeks
• 30 weeks
• 28 weeks
• 25 weeks
• 23 weeks
• 21 weeks
• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

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Pregnancy Anxiety and GBS

If you've been reading a few years, you sort of "know" me and my tendencies to be, well, wound. I'd say over the last several years, my levels of anxiety have certainly been heightened, especially related to medical stuff.

I mean, I had a terribly irritable uterus in my first pregnancy and always feared I was going into labor from week 17 onward. Then Ada was diagnosed with a brain issue and had a craniotomy with all sorts of risks. After that, we had a short reprieve before the miscarriages started. Oh, and Ada ended up getting the second stage of Lyme disease last summer and I'm not adding in some medical stuff other immediate family has dealt with.

During pregnancy, I've had worry that's both generalized and specific. Of course, I worried early on that I'd miscarry again. But I also received news at an early appointment that I was "highly colonized" with group B strep (GBS) in my urine. This is totally different from the swab at the end of pregnancy. Having this bug in your urine means active infection that needs treatment with antibiotics at the time of diagnosis and then again at delivery. It also increases your chances of passing on GBS to your baby four-fold over regular carriage.

I found out in my second trimester and then again last week that the bacteria was back (so, three times now -- same "infection" levels). I didn't have symptoms this last time at all really, but I asked to be tested out of curiosity. GBS in the urine, which is only found in like 5 percent of women, can put you at risk for preterm labor, premature rupture of membranes, low birth weight, and a host of other bad things, even possible passage of the bacteria to the baby before birth, though rare.

Compared to a woman who simply tests positive with a GBS culture between 35-37 weeks, there's like a 1 in 25 versus a 1 in 200 chance the baby will get the bacteria at birth, too. This figure is if the woman does not receive a dose of antibiotics during labor at least four hours before delivery (doctors prefer to give two doses over 8 hours). And my labor with Ada was like 5-1/2 hours. I am also allergic to the "most effective" drug of choice, penicillin.  

(Other high risk factors include if you gave birth to a child previously infected with GBS, if you deliver before 37 weeks, if you have a fever during labor, or if your water is ruptured more than 18 hours before delivery. I don't mean to overwhelm. I do medical writing over at Healthline these days, so I suppose I'm in the habit of being thorough.)

So, as you can imagine I've been more than slightly freaked out about this situation. The storm clouds are seriously looming over my head. My midwife assures me everything is fine. GBS is no biggie. That complications are rare. That I seem to have "antepartum anxiety" that is leading me to make a bigger deal of this than needs to be. The thing is, though, I'm not entirely sure this "anxiety" is unfounded. Ada's brain condition is one that affects less than 1 percent of people, mostly males. Having three miscarriages back-to-back only happens to roughly 1 percent of women.

We're like the family of rare stuff over here. I try my best not to feel doomed . . . but I also have a history of being blindsided. I want to be prepared and educated about something that could potentially be serious.

So, now I'm deciding what to do. I have an appointment on Friday and I truly feel like all my words are lost. Like I am not being taken seriously with my concerns. I am planning to deliver at the hospital in the area that doesn't have a NICU, but part of me wants to consider changing that plan in the event that something "rare" again happens to us, to our baby.

I understand that there's a good chance everything will be fine. But if something went wrong, I feel like I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for not trying my hardest to set us up for the best-case scenario. Like I said, I just don't feel confident I'll get the IV meds before delivery if it's as fast or faster than when I had Ada. Even if I do, I'm that high risk group and allergic to the best med -- how effective will it be?

Sigh.

I'm also frustrated that doctors seem to treat this condition in different ways. Mine only wants to give meds if things are causing symptoms. We haven't done follow-up tests after the meds to make sure it has cleared, which is why I've ended up asking for additional tests. Others the the whole "test of cure" after meds are over. And they continue medications -- sometimes low-dose suppression therapy throughout pregnancy -- if the bacteria persists.

The thing is: This stuff isn't making my cry. I'm not having panic attacks. I'm even sleeping quite well at night. (Though, I should probably stop reading websites like The Jesse Cause.) At what point is genuine, founded concern something that morphs into irrational anxiety? I suppose this is a question I should explore with a therapist or something. I don't really know. Writing is helping me sort out the discussion I plan to have at my next appointment. In my head, I feel I'm being incredibly rational and level-headed.

Thanks for listening. And I know I'm generally in the whole crunchy way of doing things, but I really don't believe in all the methods I've been reading across the internet to trick the GBS swab test. I mean, who is that going to benefit? Of course having medication when it may not be necessary is a concern, and gut flora is important, and yadda yadda. But, please, don't go and try to trick a medical test for something that could have consequences if not properly diagnosed. That's just my plea from all the forum posts and blog posts I've come across (written by people like me who have no business giving medical advice!).

At the same time, some of this information can be useful. I am attempting to help lower my colony counts by drinking unsweetened cranberry juice, eating garlic, taking two Femdophilus probiotics per day, eating lots of yogurt, and dramatically lowering my sugar intake. I figure these measures can't hurt -- but so far, I've still got the bug. I am surely getting the IV meds (or at least really hope I'll be able to in time).

BTW: I know this post was no fun! I'll be back tomorrow with a Green in 15: Dishwasher tablets recipe.

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Pregnancy: Week 30

I feel like it's been forever since my last pregnancy update. While not a lot has changed, I have crossed over into week 30 territory, which feels HUGE. I'll be 31 weeks on Sunday, and now that my appointments are every two weeks -- time is flying, which is a point I've wanted to reach for a while. I feel mentally ready and just happy to be reaching closer to the end.

Belly shot:

I am up 16 pounds as of my midwife appointment this morning. This is almost exactly my weight gain at this point in pregnancy with Ada. So weird how that's worked out because my activity level has been like 100% different. Also weird is that I weigh now what I did when I delivered her.

Speaking of weight, etc., I don't have any major fitness goals for the postpartum period. With Ada, I wanted to be running again ASAP. This time around, I really think I want my body to heal more gradually. I had a lot of pelvic pain the whole year after having Ada -- and I think if I had waited a while longer to run, I may have been in better shape. So, right now I am planning to eat well, walk, and ease back in with Barre and yoga. Maybe run a 5K by September.

Baby is measuring right on. I only know this from belly measurements. I haven't had an ultrasound since week 18! To me, this is absolutely crazy because I had had so many with Ada. But in a way, it's nice having some unknown. Everything else is looking good, too. Blood pressure, not UTIs, etc.

I am still exercising an hour a day, 5-6 days out of the week. Mostly walking. It feels good. The weather change has helped my mood immensely. Instead of looking at walks as fitness, they have become a real mental health thing. I look forward to the quiet and relaxation.

Stephen's hours have been hard on us, but I am getting more used to the routine. There is a period in the afternoon where Ada and I lay in my bed and watch videos on YouTube for like an hour -- totally necessary break in the day. I am continuing to work at about 25 hours each week and hope to continue this pace until delivery.

Some of you were asking about my "maternity leave" and as a freelancer, I don't technically get one. So, I am planning to take between 6-8 weeks off totally from writing and then ease back in after that. I will be making all my arrangements soon, but I am thankful that my checks lag a bit because we won't have a period where absolutely NO money is coming in over the summer. Phew.

I have decided to start packing my hospital bag and one for Ada as well. My big goal for the next few weeks is to really figure out exactly what we're going to do when I go into labor, whenever that will be. I will feel much better with a plan in place. The last time, I didn't have a bag packed and didn't need really anything I would have stashed in there. I am going to do a post on this soon.

Other stuff:

• Cravings: Soy hot dogs with mustard, BBQ kettle chips, ice cream, s'mores. You know, all the health foods.
• Movements: Crazy. I do the kick counting and get 10 kicks before 2 minutes most times.
• Aches + pains: Weird cervix stuff my midwife says is just normal stretching. Back pain comes and goes, but my SI-joint has been awesome since I stopped running (for the most part).
• Days till due date: 66
• Feelings: I think we have decided after this pregnancy to be done at 2. This is something I'll write more about another time, but pregnancy has been so difficult emotionally this time around -- I don't know if I could do it again. 
• Baby's size: Large cabbage (almost 3 pounds)
• Most looking forward to: Time off from working (both of us) and the summer weather. As much as it's going to be awful to lose sleep, in a way -- it will be a bit "easier" than the hectic schedule we're doing now!

Other updates:

• 28 weeks
• 25 weeks
• 23 weeks
• 21 weeks
• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

Like what you just read? You can subscribe to the feed of these posts or follow us on Twitter or Facebook to be the first to know what the (never home)makers are up to. And we’ll love you forever!

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Pregnancy: Week 28

I wanted to wait until after my latest appointment to do a pregnancy update. We are now in week 28 -- the undisputed third trimester! Does anyone else hear trumpets?! I was really excited for this part of pregnancy for obvious reasons. I mean, there are likely fewer than 12 weeks before the end. My doctor appointments become more frequent. SPRING has sprung. Oh, wait. It "feels like" 5 degrees outside right now with snow on the ground. Ugh.

Belly shot:

Ada's big sister class was on Sunday. I was actually a bit disappointed if I'll being honest. Most of the kids were like 2, and Ada didn't really learn anything she didn't know already. I had envisioned they would have gone more in-depth into certain sibling topics, but I think with the young crowd, it just wasn't possible.

The good thing? We've been reading a lot about it. Here are my two favorite books for older kids expecting siblings:

• Baby on the Way by Sears Children's Library
• What Baby Needs by Sears Children's Library

Both books provide information in a way that kids can understand. They cover emotional stuff, plain info stuff (like terms for uterus, contractions, breasts, nursing, etc.), and Ada asks to have these read to her again and again. I like how they focus more on the way of parenting that we practice. Rooming in, breastfeeding, using a midwife, baby-wearing, etc. I highly recommend these books.

I think I've hit another growth stage. I had Braxton Hicks so frequently on Saturday that I had to stop everything I was doing and take a nap for an hour to get them to slow down. Thankfully I haven't had them nearly as much as I did with Ada, but holy moly. When they start, I get all freaked out. My midwife is really laid back about them this time around, which is both good and bad. She has given me some guidelines for when to worry versus when not to worry -- so I think I'll be OK. I just HATE them.

At my appointment, baby was measuring on track. I've gained 13 pounds at this stage, which is just a couple less than I had with Ada at 28 weeks. Heart sounds good. Everything is good. I think it's hard for me to BELIEVE it's all good because with Ada I had so many ultrasounds toward the end due to the contractions. I am a see to believe kind of person, so I left my appointment feeling OK, but also still so curious.

I try not to think so far ahead, but I truly believe this will be my last pregnancy. We had always tossed around the idea of having three kids. And if I'm being honest, in my heart I have always wanted three. But after three miscarriages and just generally feeling lots of anxiety during pregnancy -- again, it's not fun for me. My babies hang out really low in the uterus, too, so the back pain is creeping back up. I know pregnancy isn't easy for anyone necessarily, but I find myself regularly saying "I feel immensely blessed to be carrying this child, but I don't think I can make it through this again." Only time will tell.

I passed my glucose screen! I failed with Ada and had to take the 3-hour test. But I passed and actually aced the test with a 95 (I was 137 with Ada). My midwife told me it was best to take it as close to 28 weeks as possible to get the most accurate read. I wrote about it on Instagram, but pretty much all the medical test calls we've received for anyone in our family in the last 2+ years have shown abnormalities or worrisome things. I jumped for joy when I got this result. My iron and D3 levels are also great at this point. I always marvel at the iron being so good because as a vegetarian I don't particularly go nuts trying to make sure I get good amounts in my diet.

Stephen's track schedule is rough. We didn't know he'd be able to get a coaching position this year, but when it came open -- he pounced on it. The issue? It runs exactly through until week 38, which is when I had Ada (cue the freak out!). He's gone from around 7AM until 6PM (7PM or later if there are meets) and then on many Saturdays he'll be gone from around 8AM until 6PM for meets. I know many women have it worse, but with working from home and having no family in the area . . . this new schedule has been an adjustment for all of us. By the time he returns in the evenings, I need to lay down even though he's also tired. Family dinners have been few and far between. We're both just really drained trying to figure out the new normal. But I know it will be worth it in the long run. Whine over. We'll power through!

Emotionally, I'm pretty up and down. Little things make me cry. I feel very clingy and needy. I don't remember feeling this way as much with Ada, but I do remember it being a roller coaster at points. I think the hardest part about having another child and being pregnant is feeling like I'm just not giving enough to her. There are times when I simply cannot play or when I don't have the stamina to do my normal stuff. I also think the weather is affecting my adversely. I feel so much better when I can go outdoors and enjoy the sun. C'mon, spring!

OK. So after all that negative stuff (sorry! I really am not feeling as bad as this sounds), I will say that I am so incredibly psyched for it to be June. I need to figure out what type of "leave" I'll be taking from work. How long and how it will affect our summer income (any freelancers have suggestions?). But this long-held dream of ours is fast becoming reality. I don't know if it will sink in until I'm holding Baby E in my arms . . . but I already know I'll be bawling tears of JOY because I remember every bit of how hard it was to get here. With Ada, I was excited. With Baby E, I have this whole new regard and awe for life and the creation of life. It's powerful stuff.

Other things:

• Days till due date: 82
• Baby is size of: An eggplant! 2-1/2 pounds or so
• Cravings: Black seedless grapes, peach Greek yogurt, chocolate cupcakes
• Workouts: Walks and Barre3 online -- a mix totaling 1-hour most days of week
• What I'm Watching: All of season 2 of Fixer Upper last week. I want to move to Waco, y'all.
• Belly: It's big, but not as HUGE as it felt a few weeks ago in relation to my gestation
• Post-pregnancy goal: A 5K in late August. Slow and steady, but I'd love to be jogging again.
• Reading this week: Breastfeeding books. I've forgotten so much!

Other updates:

• 25 weeks
• 23 weeks
• 21 weeks
• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

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Pregnancy: Week 25

Not a whole lot has been changing from week to week with my pregnancy, so for now I plan to group and do updates every other week (or so -- who knows, I change my mind constantly). I'm 25 weeks and 3 days today. Just 102 days to go according to my Sprout app. That sounds so far along and so far away all at the same time.

Here's the bump (it's so dark outside today!):

Though I get lots of Braxton Hicks, so far I seem to have avoided irritable uterus. At least how it was with Ada. I credit being able to vary my days between sitting/standing more. And I make a point to lay down whenever I first notice them. This is a true luxury, I know, with working from home. But not having the completely anxiety of contracting all the time has been really nice. I hope it keeps up this way. I probably get 1-2 an hour, max in the afternoon + evenings. They do start to get bad if I sit at my desk or ride in a car for longer than 30 minutes.

After yet another mini-freakout about GBS UTI #2, I decided I'm just going to trust my midwife. I have read a ton of research and info, and because I've had GBS persistently in my urine, I'm highly colonized and have a much greater chance of passing it on during labor. (Ugh. Terrifying.) I'll write more about my thoughts re: labor soon, but with Ada -- I was only laboring for around 5 hours (!!!) before I started pushing. I'm hoping to get those antibiotics in time, but I guess we'll likely be in the hospital for 48 hours after Baby E's birth if I don't get them.

We are trying to make plans for what to do with Ada during labor. Our nearest family is around 2 hours away. And with how fast Ada's labor was + needing the meds immediately, we won't have time to wait at home. So, that's foremost on my mind these days. I'd love your thoughts and experiences if you had a similar situation! Especially if something happens in the middle of the night. Did you ever have to take your child to the hospital with you?

I had officially stopped running at 23 weeks, but I actually did end up keeping with it 3-4 times a week since then. However, I definitely had my last run this pregnancy on Sunday at 25 weeks. It feels OK to continue (especially with my Blanqi tank), but I would rather walk and do other activities. After my runs, I have been particularly tired and achy, and I'd rather not feel that way. I am psyched to start running again in the summer.

We're planning to have Baby E sleep in our room for several months, just like we did with Ada. We have a Pack 'n Play, but I have started looking into Arms Reach Cosleepers. Do you guys think it's worth the extra if I have something similar? I put a call out on a local yard sale group to see if I can find a gently used one. I think nursing in the middle of the night would be much easier with the cosleeper versus the Pack 'n Play.

I'm having some body image issues. I hate that I'm even going there because I am so thankful just to be pregnant, but in my first pregnancy -- I felt pretty amazing. This time around, I started at a higher weight and lower fitness level. But now that the pounds have started to pack on and my fitness has waned, I feel self conscious. Obviously I'm not fretting over the weight or actually getting upset. I'm thrilled to be pregnant and think about this blessing all the time. It's just . . . different. I don't like dressing myself. Everything feels so small. I have around 15 weeks to go. Meh.

I had some name doubt last week and almost changed Baby E's name. But after chatting with Stephen, we're still set on our original plan. Even today when I said it out loud, it just felt right. I think I'm finally starting to envision life with a baby again, which is a big step for me mentally. Yeah. that's my biggest report for this week. I have a sense of excitement rising from within my core that I haven't felt until recently.

Other stuff:

• Kicks have turned into rolls and those funky long movements. Like when you can feel a hand go from way up here to way down there. There's always a dance party going on in there.
• Latest cravings revolve around cheese and pretzels, cranberry juice mixed with seltzer water, and avocados.
• I really, really, really missed a good poached egg atop toast.
• My glucose test is next week. I failed by a point with Ada and had to take the 3-hour. Let's hope that doesn't happen this time.
• I get up no fewer than 5 times to pee each night. Have mercy!
• I've started really thinking about what the baby will look like. We didn't get a good photo from our 18 week scan, but I can tell that her scull is shaped differently from Ada's. It's less round and her forehead seems bigger (maybe more like mine?). Ada thinks the baby will have red hair, but I don't think that's possible with our genetic makeup.
• We're trying to find a few things for Ada to do that are special this summer. We're thinking swimming lessons, daddy + daughter library dates, and maybe a short summer morning day-camp.
• There are times when I get quite emotional thinking about those final days when Ada will be my only child. I have a lot to write about it for another day.

Other updates:

• 23 weeks
• 21 weeks
• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

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Early + Recurrent Loss

Here's a continuation of our Actively Trying story. I'm sure you guys understand, but I've been delaying writing this post for a number of reasons.

• First, though my pregnancy seems to be going well, I always feel like I'm never going to be out of the woods. It's this nagging feeling, and it's gotten worse the more my belly has grown. 
• Second, I have wanted to make sure I can convey the right sensitivity to the subject -- the experience and emotions a woman (or couple, family, etc.) goes through can be vastly different. 
• Oh, and please count this as a disclosure because as much as I never intend to offend anyone, it happens somehow regardless. 
• Third, well, putting words to my feelings -- despite how it might seem -- isn't always easy. I've worked hard to "move on," so to speak, from this period. The thing is, it will always be a part of me and my story.

Here we go.


There are times when I feel like claiming stake to three miscarriages isn't totally fair to others who go through far worse. I said it. After all, my first miscarriage happened only months into trying, only days after my expected period. At the time, it was a bummer -- but surely isolated, right? The third, some 12 months later, was also within that mere fifth week of extreme early pregnancy. It's easy to disregard these pregnancies or diminish the hurt by telling myself the science.

These clusters of cells, embryos, never had heartbeats. Check. I never saw them on an ultrasound monitor. Check. And I never knew the sex, etc. Check, check, check. While that's all certainly true, but they still hurt . . . tremendously.

If you've TTC-ed for any amount of time, you know that tied to each cycle, there's this overwhelming feeling of hope. When you get that so-faint-it's-almost-white positive pregnancy test after months or years of trying, you get that buzz. You immediately start dreaming up what that little guy or girl will look like. Would he have thick, curly hair like Stephen? Would she have short, stubby legs like me? Looking up the due date: How wonderful it will be to have a fall/winter/summer/spring baby! Cue the images of impossibly adorable newborns -- your newborn -- wearing Santa outfits or sibling coordinated Halloween costumes.

The life your imagination starts painting from those initial moments is bursting with color and joy and you feel quite invincible for a short period of time.

You did it.
You created life.
It's growing inside you.
This thing you've wanted for so long is finally happening.

And when you find out that life is gone . . . no matter how soon . . . it digs deep. You start asking why. Wondering what you did wrong. You can't take comfort in the cold statistics or knowing that likely something was wrong with the baby's chromosomes, no matter how many times well-meaning friends or family say "it was probably for the best". You mourn the life that was but really wasn't. You bleed and cramp and hurt. And then you have to somehow reset and train your attention and emotional energy on trying again.

Another month of uncertainty.
Another month of agonizing waiting.
Another ride on the roller coaster.
I'll tell you, when months add up -- each day can feel like eons.

Last spring's miscarriage has been heavily weighing on me lately. I suppose it's because I remember so well at this exact time last year knowing that our baby was slowly fading away. With each OB visit, the heart rate would be slower. Our little guy or girl was hanging on, but we knew almost immediately we'd never hold him or her. I sat paralyzed in bed and stared at the wall a lot. At the time, I was beside myself and so confused.

Do we terminate knowing what's happening? (To which my old midwife informed me "Well, Ashley, that's abortion -- we don't do abortions here" and I sobbed at her: "Do you seriously think that's what I am asking for?!") Do we wait and see if there's a miracle? Do we all of a sudden decide to ask God or some higher power for help? Would a higher power even do this to us again?

And once we knew it was truly over, there was another long list of considerations to make. Do I wait for nature to take its course despite being violently ill? Will a D&C impact my future fertility? Will it hurt? Am I dishonoring the baby? Should I really wait three grueling months before trying again? Will this process ever result in a live baby? Will I ever stop crying?

I never thought I'd have two miscarriages in a row. That just doesn't happen to people like me. Never. I was 30 when we started to try for number two. 31, last March. Healthy. Fit. Diligent about medical care. I haven't partied in years and go to bed most nights by 10:30. So many friends -- both in real life an online -- came out of the woodwork to share that they, too, had had a miscarriage. They went on to have healthy pregnancies right away. Surely this, too, would pass.

And those three cycles of "break" from TTC were good for me. It was nice to not think about getting pregnant for a while. I got some mental strength back. I was so ready to start up again last June, so when it didn't happen right away . . . I seriously lost my mind. I started thinking about how unfair the whole thing was.

Two miscarriages?!
Where's my first-cycle-of-trying-again miracle baby?
Why am I so unlucky?
Why is that TEENAGER 40 weeks pregnant?
Why is that SMOKING person in her third trimester?

Judgements abounded, I assure you.

After the third, I'd read online of women who had seven or more miscarriages or stillbirths or infant loss and put myself in check. Was I making too much of all this? Was I just being crazy? But -- also -- is it really fair to compare stories? So much of my mental state was taxed with questioning. Analyzing every step, every symptom, every lifestyle choice, every doctor's recommendation . . . and if you've been there, I think you can understand how it just. takes. over. everything. EVERYTHING.

Surviving early and recurrent loss isn't something I think I did particularly well. I don't have any tips or tricks to share. I, well, merely s.u.r.v.i.v.e.d in the most basic sense of the word. Since my "fix" was a laughably simple cocktail of baby aspirin and progesterone, I do look back and wonder if these babies -- all of them -- were healthy. If my body was the attacker. I blame myself. I'm working on it, but I can't lie and tell you I don't think often about how I could right now be holding an eight month old, a five month old, or even be 5 weeks closer to my due date than I am now.

I mean, that's just insane to think about. I try my best not to go there.

As dramatic as this all sounds, I don't weigh all of these thoughts on my daily life at the present moment. I give them a place. I probably let loose once a week or every two weeks -- sometimes less frequently -- and allow myself to dwell in those moments. To muse over what might have been, but try to believe somehow there's a plan. Maybe?

There are the unexpected times when, say, I'll go to the doctor and go over my medical history . . . the whole "you've had 5 pregnancies?" thing definitely raises a few nurses' eyebrows, almost always followed by embarrassed, overly sympathetic "oh, I'm so sorry." Or when people ask now when I'm due and make a crack about how "wow -- hah hah -- you must have planned that baby perfectly with your husband's school schedule!" Or make a comment about how "something's in the water" because many of the moms in Ada's preschool are also pregnant. (I actually sometimes want to say "in my craziest moments -- I DID consider if SOMETHING in our water was causing all my miscarriages -- thank you!")

I choke back some tears and quickly compose myself. Like I said, as much as I put it all in a box, early and recurrent loss will always be a part of my story. What I've learned is that there's never a "too early" when it comes to pain of loss. There's never a "right" or "wrong" way to feel. So if you're going through this . . . let yourself feel. Let yourself mourn. And let yourself move on without feeling guilty. I'm working on that last part, but I think it's something that will happen in time.

Thanks for reading.

Read more...

Pregnancy: Week 23

Blogging hasn't been happening lately, though I don't need to tell you guys that! Random quiet on this space was totally unintentional, but I am hoping to get back into a better rhythm this week. Ada's been hitting some bad sleep patterns (waking up an hour earlier than normal, skipping naps, not going down until after 9PM, etc.). Working from home is great, but not when my time gets crunched so much.

So, we skipped a week. Here's 23 weeks!

News this week:

I have another GBS + UTI. And I totally freaked out about it. I don't understand really why this is happening to me. I read that only 5 percent of UTIs are caused by the GBS bacteria. Then I read the CDC's information on what it can do during pregnancy, delivery, etc. I have a midwife appointment later this week, and I'll probably report more than. In short: I'm freaked out about it and my midwife is getting tired of my neuroses.

I have decided to stop running. At least for now. I don't know. I don't really NEED to stop running, but the pressure and constant need to pee don't make it feel too great. I'm sticking with Barre3 most days (five or so days for 30 minutes to an hour) and walking a lot. I feel strong and centered. If I feel like trying to run in the future, I won't close my mind to it, but I'm also mentally OK with stopping.

I have finally started to gain more weight. At this point, I'm up 9 pounds. I did have some random nausea and vomiting last week, but I think it was an isolated event where I didn't eat enough.

I've been really tired. I want to go to bed by 9:30 most nights and I'd love if I didn't have to do anything until 9:30 the next morning. Though I wake up around 6:30, it takes a long time to get my body going in the morning. I'm trying to take things more slowly.

I'm on antibiotics again. I hate it. It's for the UTI. It's just so weird how Ada's pregnancy wasn't perfect, yet I didn't need anything medical to keep it going. This time I've already had two rounds of antibiotics, lots of progesterone, and baby aspirin. I know it could be "worse" but it just makes me marvel at how different one pregnancy can be to the next.

I did buy the Belly Bandit Upsie Belly, and I wasn't thrilled with it. PROs: It was really well made, high quality materials, and seemed like it would work if I wasn't carrying so awfully low. CONs: It was too bulky and I couldn't sit down in it. So, I sent it back and decided on the Blanqi Body Styler. I should get it tomorrow, so I'll be sure to let you guys know what I think of it.

Other stuff:

New development: Baby E responds to my touch!
Sleep report: I'm like a rotisserie chicken, rotating all night long
When I predict I'll give birth: June 12th
Size of belly: It is actually a lot like when I was 28/29 weeks with Ada
Looking forward to: Ada's big sister class. It's in April!
Delivery location: I'm considering switching hospitals. More on that soon.
What else? I'll be back tomorrow with an outfit post featuring PinkBlush Maternity + a fun giveaway for you guys.

Other updates:

• 21 weeks
• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

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Pregnancy: Week 21 // Video

Thanks for sharing all your labor and birth experiences on my last post. I guess there's really no telling if Baby E will come early, late, or on time! One thing is for sure -- I feel way more pregnant at this stage than I did with Ada. I don't mean to moan about it too much, but my aching back! By the end of each night, I am all sorts of a mess. I may invest in a pregnancy support belt soon . . . and a few of your suggested a Blanqi Support Tank, and I like the looks of that.

Bump shot. This is also my standard uniform these days. Yoga pants and a basic t-shirt.

Something different for today -- a video update for you guys today!



Some highlights:

// I'm feeling a lot of aches and pains, especially in my back and lower belly. Apparently I carry pregnancies low, which is why I feel this way, I'm sure.

// My running days are numbered. It's just not comfortable anymore. I need to stop comparing myself to my 27-year-old pregnant self and just embrace what feels best. I'm working on it.

// My first prenatal yoga class is this weekend! I had so much trouble finding one in my area, so I'm really excited for it. Hoping I can meet some other moms and relax.

// Time is really slowing down for me. I'd love if I could reach the viability stage, like, yesterday (around 24 weeks). My next midwife appointment is just shy of this milestone, so it cannot come soon enough.

// I'm taking baths in epsom salts each night to see if it will help with my Braxton Hicks contractions. It's also a nice ritual that is helping me just disconnect and breathe.

// I'd be ready if the baby came today. Not that I want her to arrive early -- but I have everything we need basically just hanging around the nursery. I'm definitely not a typical "seasoned" mom and I'm way too excited about having another baby in the house. It's been so long.

// Overall I'm having some anxiety about making it to the end of pregnancy. I always tell my midwife everything I'm thinking so I'm feeling OK, but I'm not able to ever forget I'm pregnant. It's constantly in my mind, and I kind of wish I could just let go and enjoy. I'm trying some breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques to help.

Other stuff:

How I'm sleeping: Not well. Peeing 10,000 times per night
Weight gained: 7 pounds
Days till due date: 128
Latest craving: Peanut Butter M&Ms
Biggest complaint: Cannot sit without back pain
Feel best when: I'm hunched over my Yogibo at night
Kind of freaked about: The early days of breastfeeding
What I don't care about: My pregnancy style! Thank goodness I work from home.

Other updates:

• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

Like what you just read? You can subscribe to the feed of these posts or follow us on Twitter or Facebook to be the first to know what the (never home)makers are up to. And we’ll love you forever!

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Pregnancy: Week 20

I'm solidly in week 20 of my pregnancy, so I think it's safe to safe I'm halfway there. With Ada, I went into (fast) labor just a couple days over 38 weeks. I'm wondering what that means for this time around. I'd love to know how your delivery date changed from kid one to kid two! Of course, I'll be happy to keep this baby in until she is fully cooked.

Special guest in my photo this week:

My midwife appointment went well last Friday. I have been concerned about weight gain since I'm still only up 4.5 pounds, but I guess everything is looking well. With Ada, I was around the same weight gain. I took a lot of questions to my appointment with me, and my midwife is awesome. I couldn't be happier with the care and attention I'm receiving.

Since a few days after ovulation, I was taking progesterone and aspirin. I stopped the progesterone in week 15, but the baby aspirin was supposed to continue on until week 22. The thing is, I was concerned with stopping it so soon because I was never formally diagnosed with a clotting issue. A lot of women take baby aspirin for a variety of things until 32-36 weeks, so I asked if I could either get testing for a clotting issue or just keep taking it to be "safe" -- and we agreed that I will take it until week 36.

I have started getting Braxton Hicks contractions more regularly, but it's nothing like when I was pregnant with Ada (fingers and toes crossed!). Still, it's almost like I have PTSD. If I feel one or two, I freak out. So, I'm really watching my water intake. I also asked if I could take a magnesium supplement to see if it helps -- and my midwife said yes. I am now taking about a half dose of the Natural Calm throughout the day in my drinking water. We'll see if it helps. I tend to get them when I am sitting working versus when I'm running or up and about.

I can't remember if I've written about this before, but I keep coming across blog posts and articles written by seasoned moms about how the second pregnancy (or third, etc.) just flies by and isn't as special. Or that they aren't concerned with as much, etc. This hasn't been the case for me for obvious reasons. I think due to the number of years between my pregnancies and the difficulty it took to get to this point, I'm celebrating and cherishing every single moment. In some ways more than with Ada because this might be my last pregnancy. Photos, baby clothes, nursery decorations, and all.

I'm getting stir-crazy for spring. This winter has been mild, but I'm really craving some long outdoor walks for my mind more than anything else. Today the windchill is in the negative digits, so I don't think I'll be getting those walks for some time. For exercise, I've been doing jogs and walks on the treadmill. I jog 3 miles, 4 times a week. I walk on the days when I don't jog. I always take one full day off from exercise a week. I've also been sticking with Barre3 online about 4 times a week between 20 and 45 minutes. I feel strong and centered.

As far as a birth plan goes, I'd love to try and do things drug-free this time around like I did with Ada. But I'm also recognizing that, like with conception and pregnancy itself, so much of having babies just isn't under our control. I'm going to prepare as if I'm doing everything naturally this time around, but I won't fret about it. I won't be taking a birth class this time, but I do hope to brush up on some things just so I can remember everything that happens with my body.

With Ada, I was only in labor (that I really knew) from about 7:30 AM till 12:00 PM, after that it was the pushing that took a while. I worry I will go really fast this time around, honestly. I guess that's another question I have for moms of more than one. How did your births differ?

Other stuff:

Middle name: Picked
Cravings: Ultimate Vegan Brownies -- everything I crave is sweet
Days till due date: 136
Most excited for: Taking walks on summer evenings together as a family
Most worried about: Nursing working out this time around
Currently obsessed with: Aden + Anais clothing!
Upcoming test: Gestational diabetes draw around week 24. Last time I failed by 1 point and had to do the 3 hour test!

Other updates:

• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

Like what you just read? You can subscribe to the feed of these posts or follow us on Twitter or Facebook to be the first to know what the (never home)makers are up to. And we’ll love you forever!

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Pregnancy: Week 19

Yet again, I'm doing a pregnancy update late in the week. I'm closer to 20 weeks now, but that's OK. Not a lot is different this week, so I thought instead of talking about any symptoms or "changes," I'd focus more on how we're preparing for baby. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon, so I should have more stuff to chat about then.

It's been dreary and dark all week, so please excuse this blurry bump shot.

First of all, working from home has major perks when it comes to a maternity wardrobe. I've been sticking mostly to yoga pants and loose T-shirts I already own. I bought a few new maternity camisoles at Target. Otherwise, I've been picking up a few stray items, like those jeans above, from second-hand shops like thredUP.

Related: I also sold most of my old maternity wardrobe on thredUP. Somehow I was a size XS back then? I used my earnings to buy a few things that actually fit me now!

OK. Aside from that, I've also been buying some clothes for Baby E. (BTW: Good name guesses -- some of you got it right, but we're likely not sharing until birth.) Ada was born in November, so the bulk of her newborn and 0-3 month wardrobe is made up of cozy fleece and long-sleeved things. Of course, that gives me the opportunity to shop for a summer baby!

Again, I've been loving second-hand shops for baby clothes as well. Stephen and I went on our mini-Babymoon to Ithaca, NY, last weekend. There's no shortage of great places to scope out good deals.

• I hit up Jillian's Drawers for a few gently used newborn prefolds (Thirsties) and clothing items.
• Mama Goose is another joint I'd been meaning to check out for, well, years. It did not disappoint. I found tons of adorable clothes, etc. here for good prices. Can't wait to go back in the future.
• There's also one of those Once Upon a Child stores in my area. I went there yesterday with my mom and found a ton of Zutano (my favorite!) shirts, dresses, etc., all for less than $25.
• Oh, and I also found a Snugapuppy Bouncer there for half the new price. It will go with the Snugapuppy Rock 'n Play we got for napping in those early days.
• I've ordered a bunch of things off Zulily too. Mostly gear. A while back they had an amazing deal on an Ergo Original, so I snatched one up. I also found some Aden + Anais swaddle blankets (milky way!), a few clothes, and I have my eye on a few matching ensembles. I never thought I'd say that.

Some of you have asked if we're doing cloth diapering again. The answer is YES.

Though I did get a bit jaded when I ruined all our old cloth diapers, I was able to salvage a few. I thought about the cost and environmental impact of doing disposables, and cloth just made more sense . . . again.

• We're doing the Best Bottom System for the bulk of our diapering.
• I bought 8 Best Bottom Snap Covers in various prints. My favorites are the tie-dye and cow.
• After watching some YouTube reviews, I determined that instead of buying inserts in the small, medium, and large sizes . . . I'd get all mediums (18) of the Hemp/Organic Cotton inserts. Several people said they worked well for small to large babies at this size. 
• I'll be sure to do my own review in time. Basically, you snap the insert into the cover and can re-use the same cover several times versus changing the entire diaper (like we did with our BG AIO's). I am also hoping the hemp will help keep odors at bay.

That's pretty much it for now. As I wrote this post, I got a Braxton Hicks contractions. Eeek. I hope that doesn't mean they're starting. I've noticed a few in the last several days. I know I'm overly sensitive, but I just really hope to skip over that part this time around.

See you back tomorrow with a cooking video!

Other updates:

• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

Like what you just read? You can subscribe to the feed of these posts or follow us on Twitter or Facebook to be the first to know what the (never home)makers are up to. And we’ll love you forever!

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Pregnancy: Week 18

In case you missed it, our baby is a girl! I'm actually almost 19 weeks. I didn't mean to be so heavy on baby stuff lately. I had some other things planned for this week, but my computer is on the fritz. It involves a tiny bit of water getting into my trackpad. And now my cursor has a mind of its own!

Anyway. Belly shot:

At our ultrasound, the baby was curled up tightly into a fetal position the entire time. I was 18 weeks and 2 days, and the baby measured a day behind. I know it's not a big deal, but up to this point, she had measured exactly right on . . . so I'm hoping the discrepancy has more to do with her position or different people measuring. I'm trying to get better about the anxiety, but hearing anything is even slightly off always gets me worried.

 

Otherwise, everything was measuring well and looked normal in the anatomy scan. I couldn't tell what I was looking at a lot of the time because of the baby's position. Worst of all? We didn't really get to see her profile because she was hiding so much! Luckily, the tech was able to get all the necessary measurements, so I don't know when or if I'll have another ultrasound during this pregnancy. Which is weird to think about.

 

After having a few days of sickness last week, I am back to feeling better. I'm pretty sure it had more to do with my sinus infection than anything else. And -- thankfully -- my sinus infection is now BETTER. For the first time since October, I am not afflicted with morning sickness, a cold, or anything else. It feels amazing.

 

I celebrated with a 3.5 mile jog around my neighborhood. We haven't had much snow this year, but the mild, clear weather has allowed me to keep running outdoors, which is nice. I was curious, so I tracked my pace at 10:30/mile. The bladder doesn't love jogging right now, so we'll see how long it lasts. But otherwise, it feels great. I've also been keeping up with a half hour of Barre four times a week, walking Ada to/from school when it's warmer than 20 degrees, and some yoga.

 

We are 90 percent sure we've chosen baby girl's name. So, from now on I'll refer to her as Baby E. I won't be sharing the name until birth, but it's nice to call her something. Stephen actually chose this particular name when I was pregnant with Ada. We still need a middle, though.

 

Braxton Hicks report: I may have had two last week. But otherwise, still holding strong. I hope it continues. In related news, my cervix is long and closed. I have been concerned about having an incompetent cervix after having a D&C, but so far everything looks OK.

 

Other stuff:

 

Weight: 141, total gain of 3 pounds so far
Next midwife appointment: One week from tomorrow!
Baby is the size of: A sweet potato -- we're having them for dinner, strangely enough.
Heart rate: 155ish, pretty consistently
Birth plan: Hospital birth, hopefully drug-free again
Prediction of birth date: Ada was 2 weeks early, so I'll say June 12th
Latest obsession: Shopping Zulily for baby clothes
Nursery theme: Farm -- more on that next week!

 

Other updates:

 

• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

 

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It’s a . . .

I’m having some technical problems with my computer today. Gah. Very frustrating.

So, I’ll get to the full 18-week update hopefully tomorrow.

For now, we’re thrilled to announce . . .

It’s a GIRL!


I’ll write more about the scan in my 18-week update. In short: Everything looked good. Baby girl was curled up in the fetal position the entire time, which made getting all the measurements quite tricky. Ada went with us, and when the tech told us the sex, she said “See, I TOLD you it was a girl!”

In other news, I’m pretty sure we have a name.

More soon!

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Actively Trying

Skip this post if you don’t want to read period talk, stuff about my ovaries, etc.

I often have trouble making sense of our TTC journey. I was diagnosed with infertility last year (the inability to get/stay pregnant over the course of a year). The thing is, I got pregnant a whopping four times in the span of 16 months. I’d read of similar struggles on birth boards or even hear from friends “at least you know you can get pregnant.” And while that’s certainly true and half the battle, it put me in a hard spot with knowing how to feel about recurrent pregnancy loss.

Anyway, since I’m an open book on these matters, I thought I’d answer some of the questions I have received about trying to conceive, our process, and what things we did to help along the way. It’s a lot of information, so today I’m going to cover why we started “actively trying” so soon into the process -- as well as what that means exactly (because I didn’t know at the time).

Then I’ll have a few additional posts, roughly divided into these topics:

• Charting 101
• The Weird Stuff
• Two Week Waits
• Surviving Early + Recurrent Loss

We started trying to conceive in early June 2014. As many teacher-families do, we were trying to get pregnant soon before or at the same time that Stephen might be out for the summer. This gave us a good 4 months to conceive, and with my history of conceiving successfully on the first try -- I felt overly confident (cocky!) we’d meet our “goal” easily. I’d been tracking my cycles for a few years, mostly just fertile signs (like cervical mucus, ovary pain, etc.), recording my suspected day of ovulation, and then when I’d get my period each month. My cycles weren’t too irregular, but my suspected ovulation would be anywhere between day 12-18, so each month was different.

When we didn’t get pregnant the first two months by timing intercourse this way (lots of CM = do it now!), I wasn’t thrilled. Looking back, I want to slap myself for getting so upset so easily. The thing is, it’s a common feeling. I give myself a break there. Still, we made the important decision to start actively trying versus just not preventing.

It was indeed a quick jump, but -- like I said -- we had wanted to try to conceive by a certain time (working from home and having Stephen around is a good scenario!). I also suspected something might be up with my body because -- as I was tracking my cycles more carefully -- I noticed I was spotting only 8-9 days after my suspected ovulation for several days before my period would start.

What is Actively Trying?

There’s a group called ACTIVELY TRYING: The Next Level on BabyCenter, I learned about them the deeper we got into TTC. They define actively trying as being “beyond just having sex to TTC.” The thing is, couples can just have sex all they want and time it incorrectly. If the sperm isn’t there to meet the egg at the right time, all bets are off. So, “actively trying” means you’re using other methods to determine when ovulation is happening to get the best results.

These “other methods” might include:

• Using ovulation predictor kits (OPKs)*
• Temperature charting (above)*
• Recording secondary fertile signs (CM, etc.)
• Doing monitored cycles, IUI, IVF, etc.

* Usually to be in the actively trying category, you do both OPKs + temperature charting at minimum. 

Since I suspected that something might be slightly off about my cycles, I decided I wanted to gather more data to see if it was all just in my head. When I got pregnant with Ada, my cycles were relatively clockwork. I’d have ovulation around day 15/16 with a period following 13-14 days later.

When I realized that wasn’t at all my pattern this time around, I wondered what was up. My periods had also been a lot heavier, more clotty, much more painful, and just, well, different since they returned 16 months after having Ada. I figured it was normal to have changes after having children. I hadn’t fully noticed how different they were until we started TTC because we had a lot on our plates with Ada’s surgery that whole year before and then with our house move.

(Interpreting OPKs, which measure luteinizing hormone or LH)

Positive!

Anyway, I started doing loose temperature charting (I am not a great sleeper and wake up all different times of the night and morning -- so I’d miss some days but keep a general graph), tracking all my fertile signs, and using ovulation predictor kits. It paid off. We got a positive test in early September . . . only to be followed by a really (!!!) heavy period after several days of what I thought was just implantation spotting. That’s something else I should mention: Whenever I have tested positive for pregnancy while trying for #2, it’s been as early as 10 to 11 days past ovulation. I’ll get to this more in the post about two week waits.

By this time, I was confused. I’d never experienced anything like this before. What a cruel joke. I decided to make an appointment with my midwife to discuss my concerns. I told her about the positive test, I explained how my cycles -- for me -- seemed off, and I told her that we were actively trying. She brushed it off as bad luck (which is what I wanted to believe, too) and said we hadn’t been doing anything long enough to really investigate yet. Keep and eye on it and return back if things continued on after actively trying for a total of six months.

Try Again

So, that’s what we did. For the next couple months, I started to notice that my OPKs were positive for many days in a row but my temperature wouldn’t really climb that high after I suspected ovulation. My ovaries would not just ache but be in mega-pain around when I thought ovulation should be happening. I’d get spotting for up to 5 days before my periods. My periods continued to be clotty and weird. I had a bunch of other strange hormonal symptoms, too. Like a week after “ovulation” I’d get really sharp pains that reminded me of when I was pregnant with Ada (I felt implantation with her very distinctly!). I’d have lots of weird “signs” of pregnancy that I didn’t normally get (sore breasts, nausea, dizziness, etc.), but no positive tests.

By January, we had reached the actively trying for six months milestone. (That was a guideline the midwife had given me for making an appointment, since when you’re timing things -- you, in theory, should have success sooner. I felt silly going in so soon, but a lot of what I read said to be proactive about your fertility if you were tracking things carefully.)

I asked to see a fertility specialist because of all the symptoms I was having. We met, and he agreed that things didn’t at all sound normal. We decided to do a round of initial infertility blood work, a sperm analysis for Stephen, and he asked me to keep even more detailed charts including temperatures for every single day despite when I’d wake up, etc.

And a week or so later, I found out I was pregnant again.

Positive #2!

Since I was seeing the specialist, I went in for blood work to see if my levels were doubling. They were and everything looked good at the start. His protocol meant I’d go in for an ultrasound just shy of 6 weeks. You guys know how this pregnancy turned out.

We had an e.x.t.r.e.m.e.l.y slow miscarriage. It would have been a missed miscarriage (MMC) had we not had all the weekly monitoring. I had tremendous morning sickness the whole time and wouldn’t have suspected the pregnancy wasn’t going well. Instead, we watched the heartbeat slowly fade away for weeks. At a few days shy of 10 weeks, I had a D&C and was told to take off 3 cycles. One of these cycles was only 15 days long -- score (insert sarcasm face -- but cycles after miscarriage can be wonky)!

We were trying again by early June, and I was convinced that it would be our month. My charting skills had greatly improved. I noticed that even if I didn’t wake up exactly at the same time each morning, the trend in the temps were still good enough to show me that something was weird with ovulation. I’d still get several days of positive ovulation tests followed by a really slow temperature climb, not a jump like I had seen in the Fertility Friend galleries. I had even more pain during this ovulation period. Then I saw a big correlation for when my temperature would drop and my spotting would begin.

But the doctor said to try for at least three months of actively trying before seeing him again. So, admittedly, three months of our 16-month journey were taken “off”. But the waiting was so difficult as the many bellies around me grew and other pregnancy/birth announcements mounted. I used the time to become a charting pro, I started taking my temps vaginally (TMI but it works so much better!), and I noticed my cycles did take some time to regulate after the procedure.

Positive #3!

In September, we got yet another positive test. I was thrilled. How could bad luck strike THREE times?! No way. But then my pregnancy test line started to disappear. A digital read a mean old “NO!” several days after my initial positive. So, I went in to get the blood work and quickly found out that my progesterone levels were rock bottom, my HcG levels were decreasing, and I -- yet again -- was having a chemical pregnancy. I was put on progesterone to see if the hormone could salvage anything, but I started bleeding a little over a week later.

I was beside myself with confusion. I was starting to wonder if I had a bigger medical issue. Even when you lose babies early, it hurts. It’s a whole month, months, year+ that you’re living on this roller coaster. The time accumulates to a crushing weight. I kept asking myself why this was happening to me. I started this process when I was 30! Why was my body not able to do what it should do? Especially when getting pregnant with Ada had been so easy?

What I’ve learned throughout my experiences is that someone’s loss at 5 weeks can be just as weighty as one at 10 weeks or more, and so on. You should never diminish or belittle someone’s feelings about these matters because you rarely know the whole story.

Actively Trying: About More Than Just + Tests

I share all this stuff today because I am really glad that I decided to be an advocate for my reproductive health. I knew something was wrong early on, but instead of just trying and praying it would work out or go away, etc., I wanted answers. Actively trying enabled us to get pregnant by improving our timing significantly. Since our timing was good, I’d get pregnant often (and, yes, that also makes me just lucky because you can chart, do OPKs, etc., and not get pregnant) . . . and then miscarry, which was the information my doctor needed to see that something really was going on with my body despite clean blood work and other testing.

Had I not been tracking, I might not have known much of anything was going on.

The thing is that . . . no. We didn’t get deep into the trenches with infertility treatments, so sometimes I really feel like a joke saying I had infertility. It’s a deep insecurity because I know so many people face such difficult circumstances and continue to face them. But I share because I know a lot of people are going through similar situations. So far, we think/hope/pray our story will have a happy ending.

After having the third loss, my doctor decided that since my losses were unexplained that we would try progesterone (5 days after ovulation, right before my temperature would usually start to plummet) and baby aspirin. It’s sort of a bandaid approach when you don’t know what else is wrong. Then we got pregnant right away and -- so far -- these things have helped up get to almost the halfway point.

My doctor thinks possibly my ovulation was weak or that I had a hormone imbalance that wasn’t showing up or possibly a slight clotting disorder. We will likely never know. I did a lot of other things along with the help from the doctor that I will go into on another post. The month we got pregnant with this baby, I had a huge temperature spike on my chart. I also ovulated with just ONE day of positive OPK. I was pinching myself at my “normal” it all seemed.

There are days when I’m still convinced that something bigger is wrong and it will all disappear.

But that’s a whole different story.

Takeaway

So, you haven’t been trying for a full year (or if you have) and something about your body seems just . . . wrong. Or you’ve been actively trying for six months. Or you have any other reason to think that something is up. SEE YOUR DOCTOR. If you have a good one, he/she won’t dismiss your concerns. It’s even better if you have information to back up your worries. Actively trying, for me, helped us prove that -- despite having cycles that fell within normal ranges -- my body wasn’t normal. The doctors want this kind of information.

Give yourself the power to at least see what’s going on if you’re concerned. You can do this all cheaply and, in some cases, for free. I bought a simple basal temperature thermometer and downloaded the free Fertility Friend app. I also bought ovulation predictor strips on Amazon for cheap. These things will give you so much information, and they’re easy to learn and add to your daily schedule.

Thanks for reading this super long post. I hope it was somewhat helpful! If you have more questions, I’d be happy to answer them, I realize I wasn’t able to touch on absolutely everything . . . and I’ve probably left out some major stuff. But I did the best I could to get a general overview of why I feel this is such an important thing.

Happy Thursday!

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