The Season

My friend Lindsey and I were recently chatting through our masks at a local ice cream shop. She said that her younger son refers to what we're all going through right now with COVID as "the season". I like looking at it that way because it means that it will pass. In this moment, it feels like this big question mark with no end date and with endless battles still left to be waged.

I started to write myself a note on my phone. I haven't felt inspired to write or journal for, well, years (I mean, look at the last time I updated this blog!).

I wrote:

Weekends aren't weekends.

Nothing feels like a break.

Life is beyond hard.

And it gets harder when you realize you aren't appreciating any of it anymore.

I dreamed for years of being a mom.

And I'm not appreciating my children.

This time is fleeting.

Now it all feels like work.

Work that I resent.

I want my life back.

I want their lives back.

I'm sick with indecision and uncertainty.

I can't do this anymore.

I want this to end.

When will this end?

It sounds like a dramatic cry for help. It's really not. I'm mentally fine -- chugging along -- but I'll get these moments where it feels like . . . A LOT. Because LIFE IS HARD normally. Right now? It's just not something I ever imagined.

I was hit by a car while walking in November. that was very difficult both physically and emotionally for me. I'm still dealing with issues on both sides. Beyond that (and like many of you), we have had basically no breaks from our kids since COVID started. We love them, but it's too much togetherness for all of us. On top of it, we canceled summer vacations. We now agonize over trips to the store. We have worn deep paths at local parks and trails. We are running out of steam. We're . . . over it.

Yet we're not anxious to return to normal life. We dutifully wear our masks everywhere we go, and we believe it's a small thing we can do to help. Still, we have trouble with the idea of going to in-person dining at restaurants. We have sheepishly ducked out of playdates and social invites.

Maybe we're too strict? I don't know. If you aren't, don't feel too judged. While I don't agree, I understand the desire to just get back what we have lost on some level. And I fully acknowledge and appreciate our privilege to lay so very low. What we're up against is invisible. What we know about the disease and how to deal with it seems to change on the daily. Our numbers here in NY state are low. It's easy to think we crossed some hurdle or milestone. In reality, it's just not so.

If you follow me on Instagram, you know I am considering homeschooling. I wish I could tell you I'm a homeschool mom who is LIVING for the idea of teaching my children from home. In the past, it was a fantasy of mine. I've written posts about it or shared some things I was doing with my kids to teach them. Like many bloggers, I was trying on a persona. One that just doesn't fit who I really am. I can admit that now that I'm weeks away from turning 37 and have given up trying to be someone I'm not.

So, while I wish I could tell you I have confidence in my ability to be that kind of mom -- I'm not. But my desire to homeschool now more out of necessity. I also feel like taking more kids out of the schools might help those people who don't have it as an option. Fewer kids will lower risks. At least that's my hope.

My own mom knows me quite well, and she has asked me: "What would it take for you NOT to homeschool (because she knows it would drive me bonkers)?"

And, honestly, I couldn't think of a scenario.

That said, we value public education. It's our livelihood. I was planning to start freelance work at a higher level this year with two kids in school. (Eloise is slated to start pre-kindergarten!) We wonder if Stephen will be forced to teach in-person classes and to coach. Or will he be forced to gather together an online curriculum at the very last minute? And will we lose coaching income we depend on -- especially now that our grocery bills are out of control with being home 100% of the time?

I wonder if homeschooling will redirect funds from our school district. Funds they desperately need to operate, especially in these times. We have every intention of returning to public school . . . and there's also this feeling of sadness for leaving a community. We just moved in March to a new district and Ada never had the opportunity to start at her new school. It has felt odd to be in a new neighborhood with people we don't know. We've had some waves here and some short conversations there. I can't tell if I am mourning leaving our old community or mourning the life we used to have before this all began.

In the end, I don't know what we'll end up doing. In the immediate future, we're just anxiously awaiting the state guidelines. From there, we wait for Cuomo's decision in early August as to whether or not the physical buildings will open.

If you made it this far. Hi! It's been a long while. I felt compelled to come on here and just say hello. I hope you are faring well in the season. If you aren't, I assure you that you're not alone. This morning, in fact, I chatted online with three different real life friends of mine who cried (me too!) mulling over all the possibilities in the coming year. I'm sure those won't be the last tears we'll all have over these matters.

BTW: This photo was taken of us in the first days of the shutdown for the Front Porch Project. It feels like an eternity ago. But, hello!

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What's In My Hospital Bag

So,  I'm now 36 weeks -- NINE months. I delivered both Ada and Eloise at 38 weeks, and I figured I'd better pack just to be safe. And this means packing a bag for myself, a few things for baby, and then bags for both girls. Not that they're necessarily going anywhere, but I find it helpful to gather a few things to help whoever ends up caring for them while we're in the hospital.

(14 weeks, 24 weeks, 36 weeks)

I haven't yet had my GBS test (this week!), so I'm not sure of my status. If I'm positive, I know they'll keep me a bit longer in the hospital. Or if I for some reason have a c-section or other complication. Basically, I don't know how many days I'll be at the hospital.

With Ada, it was short and sweet.

With Eloise, we were there three nights.

My bag . . . 

I was surprised when Ada came before my due date and went to the hospital without a hospital bag as a first-time mom. I over-compensated when planning for Eloise and brought a lot of stuff I didn't need. Regardless, each time I've had a baby, I wear the hospital gown during labor and after birth. I use the mesh underwear they provide for me as long as possible. I use the gigantic pads gladly. I don't bring much from home because I don't want it getting bloody and gross.

I may not look cute, but it makes things very simple.

(PS: I am just using an old duffle bag I've had for over 10 years. I resisted buying a cuter one because we're trying to save money. And I have fallen in love with inexpensive packing cubes to keep things separated. They are so worth it.)


Here's what's in my bag:

• Nursing cami
• Nursing bra
• 2 pairs of black underwear
• Black yoga pants
• Loose shirt
• 2 crop tops (for during labor)
• Robe (in case it's cold)
• Muslin blanket (for nursing coverage if/when company is around)
• FitKicks Slippers (I wear the hospital socks during labor, though)
• Travel toiletries (our hospital doesn't provide any)
• Lavender EO mist (because it calms me)
• Wet brush (I forgot any kind of comb/brush last time!)
• Hair ties
• Phone charger
• Sleep eye mask (I have trouble sleeping with lights on)
• VERY basic makeup (mascara, eyebrow pencil, and light foundation)
• DSLR -- maybe
• Snacks (Mama Chia packs, organic Pop-Tarts, sparkling water, maybe a beer!)
• I may also bring my ancient Boppy Pillow

I'll admit it seems like a lot of clothing. I truly don't feel I need this many options unless we end up having to stay for several days. With Eloise, it was nice to have different tops as options. As far as pants go, though, I basically don't wear any until leaving the hospital.

Oh, and WHY CROP TOPS?! I saw them at Target . . . and they seem genius for wearing underneath the hospital gown during delivery. I tend to get totally undressed at some point, but would prefer to have something on top. The crop will allow them to monitor me easily. And I also plan to use the tops as nightshirts and under button-down shirts for nursing. It's a personal choice, but I like feeding below a shirt instead of above it. It's like a mini nursing cover -- LOL!

Things I'm leaving at home that I had brought in the past:

Jewelry, pads (you get plenty in the hospital), nursing pads (milk doesn't usually come in till I'm home), fancy going home outfit, any personal care or makeup more than the basics, any electronics beyond a camera and phone, books, candles, birth soundtrack, etc.

I also have never had a written birth plan. My plan is healthy mom, healthy baby. My two births were so different. So, I am open-minded. That said, I always try to avoid an epidural simply because I'm uncomfortable with needles.

For the baby . . . 

I always see people pack tons of stuff for baby. In our hospital -- for safety reasons -- we're required to dress baby in hospital-marked onesies and blankets at all times. So, the clothing I'm bringing is solely for the last day right before we go home. The hospital also supplies diapers, pacifiers, and pretty much anything else we need.


What's in my bag:

• Two going home outfits (one lighter, one heavier -- no idea on weather)
• Zutano booties (THE BEST!)
• Hat (again, for if it's cold)
• Muslin blanket 
• Wipes (the hospital ones were weird and we had to manually wet them last time)

That's it.

For the girls . . . 

I suppose for the girls it's not as much packing a bag . . . but just making the following things easy to find. I may have a small box in their room with these essentials so my parents or in-laws don't have to hunt around. I will have a bag at the ready if I go into labor early and they need to go with friends for a few hours until the grandparents can get here.

• A pair of pajamas
• Slippers or socks
• Favorite book
• Favorite stuffed animal
• Comfort blanket (both my girls love blankets)
• Easy foods (Mac and cheese, PB&J, grilled cheese, lots of fruit, granola bars)
• A written list of routines for each girl for wakeup, nap, and nighttime

Also:

I got a special present for Ada and Eloise. Ada is getting this gorgeous fairy magnetic dress-up doll set from Melissa and Doug. Eloise is getting this cute Play-Doh Sesame Street set. I kept these gifts inexpensive and activity oriented to help their caregivers occupy them.

I'm probably forgetting something, but this is the main gist.

Now if I could only find our carseat base!

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Life Update

Wow. Hello. I did not intend to take such a long break. But, well, life! I don't feel like going into intimate details, but I'll just say that I've had some health issues in the past couple weeks. They sound relatively mild, but I have been surprised how much they've impacted me.

(OK. Totally random photo I found the other day. Love it.)

Basically, I started out getting a bad impaction of wax in my ear. I got it flushed by the doctor. But that led to a middle ear infection. I have quite a history of ear infections, so this sort of always happens. And then that led to an outer ear infection -- the worst I've ever had. And even after antibiotics and ear drops, I'm still not entirely better. It's been a lot of pain, difficulty sleeping, and -- if I'm being honest -- madness. Not being able to hear out of an ear for over a week (going on two weeks) . . . and the feeling of fullness and pressure and PAIN. It's just something I'm ready to leave behind. But as I was getting better . . . I feel like I'm back-sliding a bit. I may need to go back to the doctor yet again.

Anyway. I'm sitting here watching snowflakes fall outside my living room window.

Ada and Stephen have a 2-hour delay from school this morning.

And I'm beyond ready for winter to be over.

We had a few days of warmth last month when I thought "this is it -- we're headed toward spring!" My mood changed. I was able to walk outside and feel the sun on my cheeks. If you live in a cold and cloudy climate, you know that this feeling is everything. Then -- poof. We have descended into the depths yet again with no respite in sight.

There's nothing new there, though. It happens every year. I swear "spring" never truly arrives until May. Heck, I think I remember seeing snowflakes a week before my college graduation. My bother just moved to North Carolina, and I think he's probably the smartest person in our family. While I do like where we live, it's a huge struggle half the year to feel human. It starts all hygge and cozy with the promise of crackling fires and hot cocoa. But then the days just drag until we inevitably get SUMMER. There's really no in-between. Thank goodness for the time change, however. The daylight does help.

The last big change is that track season started. It's a big adjustment for our family. But I feel more prepared than I have in past years. We're in a better groove. I have ideas of how we'll spend those long Saturdays. Something I always struggle with during coaching seasons is spending too much money. So, I'm hoping to keep myself accountable by sharing some ways I'm being frugal. I've been attempting to buy nothing new this year. I don't think I could buy NOTHING. It's very difficult with kids to buy absolutely nothing. But I'm excited to share my progress.

Oh! We have three Aldi stores in my area. The one farthest away has been renovated for quite some time, but I never find myself up in that direction. But they just renovated my usual spot. And it's glorious! I was thinking about trying to snap some photos to give you guys a tour. Any interest in that? I love it! I think they are carrying more products now, too. I wasn't feeling well the last time I went there, so I wasn't paying close attention . . . but some people have said that when the Aldi gets a facelift, the prices go up. Any thoughts there?

Today I just wanted to say HELLO. I should be back at semi-regular blogging. I may try to do those mini blogs again to share brief snippets of what's going on in my life these days. Actually quite a bit to share about. I just hope I can continue to heal and build back my energy.

Happy Tuesday!

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Money Matters // An Update

I can't remember where I left off with our debt and repayment + debt-free goals. I made those goals last January and declared we could be debt-free in just 15 months. We were doing OK with our plan of attack for a while, but then summer hit (vacation we shouldn't have gone on, etc.) . . . and then we had thousands of dollars of repairs needed for various things in the fall. And then we planned to be frugal at Christmas, but ended up spending more than we intended.

Yadda, yadda, yadda. Major setback is what I'm saying.

I am sharing this post to hopefully keep myself accountable. Stephen and I sat down yesterday and looked at our whole financial picture. That savings we had in the bank has dwindled to just two months of expenses. We needed that money for a lot of stuff, so I get it. And I'm glad we didn't go into debt paying for the repairs we needed for our home and our car. But still! It stings.

Anyway, enough of you (and my friends) have said to look at Dave Ramsey. We were loosely following those goals last year when we started. Mostly, I am afraid to drop our emergency fund to just $1,000 because history has shown that we regularly need more than that in emergencies. I think a cushion of more like $3K would work for us. But -- for those of you who have done this -- is that all the money you have in your bank account? That makes me nervous.

But then I realized we've done so much of this money thing backwards. We actually had like nine months of living expenses in the bank when I left my full-time job to stay home/work from home. We retained that cushion for a very long time because I was afraid of losing work and needing that cash. All the while, if we needed a car or a major something (furnace, for example), we'd finance. Adding to our debt. In a way, we had a very false sense of security, right?

We are now thinking of going through the Ramsey steps. We already have a very good budget that we just need to follow again. It's realistic. It's tight. But it's very doable. We can pitch some of our money in the bank to pay off a few debts from the get-go, freeing up money in the monthly budget to start the whole snowball thing again. And we can kick a lot of our debts out by the summer this way.

Milestone: Stephen and I each now have less than $5K left in student loans. This is HUGE, as we both started with more than $30K.

But our total debt right now is sitting at just about $25K. That's an improvement from last year's $34K, but we did add to our debt by incurring credit card debt on vacation and buying a washer + dryer set via a Home Depot card. It's 0% for that last debt, but it's still just sitting there. We should have purchased them with the money we had in the bank.

OK. I hope to update you more as we go through the steps. I know many of you have gone on your own debt-free adventures. Are we on the right track? Is it just a matter of moving forward? I don't know how we fell so far off from our goals. Any suggestions on that? And is anyone else starting this journey . . . or starting it again, like us?

The idea of being debt-free is so liberating. I know it will happen eventually, but we definitely have some savings goals in mind and would love to lighten up a bit. You know, take a big trip or do something FUN with our money again. I can't wait to get there!

I'm off to my Excel budget spreadsheet! You can read more of my debt-related posts here.

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How TTC is Going . . . Or Not

Here's an update on how trying to conceive baby number three is going. I am open about this process not to over-share, but because I find it helpful and interesting to keep up with others who are TTC. When you Google "how long does it take to get pregnant?" so much of what you'll find is discouraging if you don't see a positive test after a month or two. Anyway, if you don't like this sort of content, feel free to skip.

We're half a year deep into TTC baby number three. I didn't initially count the first two months of trying because we weren't using baby aspirin or progesterone. But we were using OPKs and timing things on point (trying in the five day period before/including ovulation). My luteal phase was only 10 days, so I figured we didn't have much chance. Yet, with timing things around ovulation . . . I suppose that was actively trying with a touch of denial to preserve my sanity.

Since then, I've continued using OPKs and have added temperature charting . . . along with baby aspirin, progesterone, and OPKs. Very good timing. It has to be this way to use the progesterone, it's not really a choice or me obsessing. I start three days after ovulation. Anyway, I had an extremely faint positive show up on two different brands of tests in September (I've learned to just let this roll. I don't consider it anything) . . . but I didn't make it to a blood test, as bleeding started right on target.

I'm not pregnant.

Of course, I know how long it can take and how even a positive test is no guarantee. But I'd be lying if I thought maybe this time I'd cheat the system somehow. After all, the very month I was put on progesterone with trying to conceive Eloise, we were successful. Not only that, but I had gotten pregnant two months in a row. Four times total in the span of a year. Timing is certainly not our issue, though I know that even with perfection the average is only a 20 percent chance or so to get a positive test in any given cycle. But then I see "stats" where some 80 percent of couples get pregnant within 6 months.

My midwife only gave me 4 months of progesterone and said I should see a doctor if it doesn't happen by the time the prescription is up. I actually have enough to eeeek by with one more month of trying, but I may schedule a workup anyway. I am nearing age 35. Hormone levels and other things can change between pregnancies. We're using tools to pinpoint ovulation. It doesn't hurt to check things out before we keep going.

That said, I won't be doing anything medical to enhance my fertility. Progesterone is where we'll end intervention (unless I need medication for thyroid or something). As I have said in the past, a third child would be wonderful . . . but we're trying not to go to crazy about it. Not that I think Clomid or other things are crazy by any means (please understand, there's no judgement here! I know the risk isn't super-high, but I cannot handle even a minute possibility of multiples). I just can't go through the level of mental anguish this time around as I did last. If it isn't happening, I'm going to try my best to just be at peace.

And even with all this tracking and such, I am in a good state of mind. Just frustrated. But calm. I know everyone says to calm down and it will happen. That's the last thing I wanted to hear when we were TTC for Eloise. Guess what? I ended up getting pregnant with her when I felt on the brink of insanity. In my experience, it's all a crap-shoot.

All this to say that I'm now wallowing. Six months really isn't that long in TTC-land, though my mind does nag at me because I know when I'm ovulating, I'm confirming ovulation, we're timing perfectly, and my luteal phase is a healthy 14 days thanks to the progesterone. Still, I'm continuing my life as normal. I'm even getting into such a good groove with yoga that I'm kinda sorta OK with not being pregnant (so I can keep going to my "harder" class).

It's just this quiet, dizzying world a lot of us find ourselves in. Whether you've been trying six months or many more. It's a cycle of excitement/hope/anticipation followed by disappointment/uncertainty. On repeat. I am incredibly grateful for my girls and continue to thank the universe every chance I get for the blessing of motherhood. It's not lost on me. This is just one part of my life right now. I wish it were easier -- for everyone. But that's not reality. If you're in a similar position, join me in breathing and gathering up more hope for the next cycle.

RELATED

Weirdest TTC Tricks I've Learned
What is Actively Trying?
All Things Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
All Things TTC
Eloise's Birth Story

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Catching Up

What’s happening, friends? I realize it’s been a while since I updated you guys on what’s going on in our lives. So, today’s post will be pretty informal and a way of catching up.  I’m hoping to get back into a more regular blogging rhythm again (2-3 times a week) now that cross country season is nearly over. Anyway, here are some questions I’ve received over the last month and some other general updates.

Life’s been a blur (much like this photo), but things are good.

// Finances

By far, the most requested info revolves around our budget and paying off debt plan. I wish I had better progress to report. Unfortunately, between a new water heater and 4-digit furnace repair, we haven’t had a lot of room to move around funds and aggressively go after our bills. We are keeping up with all our normal payments and will contribute more when we can.

It does feel good to have steady paychecks coming in again. Stephen decided to get his salary distributed over the course of the whole year this year versus the 10-months we had done previously. This will hopefully help as we budget so the summer doesn’t shock us so much.

I am still chugging away with freelance work, but I haven’t returned to pre-Eloise levels. I write between 8-10 articles a month right now. I’m hoping to get back to doing 12. When Ada was in preschool and I was home alone a few hours a day, I was doing more like 24 a month and blogging. The main issue is time. I’ve always relied on early mornings and naps to work -- but with two kids, that time isn’t often there like it used to be.

I think WAHM stuff is material for another post!

// Eloise

Our littlest member of the family is nearly 17 months old! Crazy. She runs all over the house, climbs everything in her path, and is putting short sentences together. Her favorite is “I did this”. She likes Curious George and Daniel Tiger, but doesn’t sit still to watch TV more than two minutes, much to my dismay (Ada was a little zombie).

In the last month, we’ve started regularly going to several toddler activities, including a weekly toddler rock concert, library group, discovery center (I have some photos/videos on my Instagram stories today), and I’d like to start going to a mommy + me gymnastics class when she turns 18 months old.

Our biggest struggle has continued to be food. I plan to write more about this. But to other mamas out there -- it’s not your fault if your kids don’t eat. Ada was a relatively good eater. I’ve taken the same approach of variety and such with Eloise, and she simply doesn’t eat. I’m going to be checking with her doctor about getting her levels checked again for iron deficiency (they were fine at the 1-year appointment, but it’s worth a look). She’s still a petite little thing, but she is fine with all her milestones and seems healthy and happy otherwise.

// Ada

Sweet Ada will turn six next week. Please make it stop. I am continually grateful that we were able to delay kindergarden through our district and start her this year. Last year’s early K was such an amazing opportunity for her to be in school at a slower pace. She’s doing extremely well with academics and friends and loves school.

Ada’s still in gymnastics and this year we also signed her up for a choir that meets once a week. Being a mom of a school-aged kid is certainly different. It can be overwhelming at times and there are always new issues we confront or curiosities Ada has. It’s hard to get into in brief. But I think we’re doing a great job so far.

We’re having a birthday party for Ada this coming weekend. It’s cat-themed, much like her first birthday. She has so many friends and always wants to be hanging out. Completely different from my personality! I love seeing the person she’s turning into outside of me and our home. It’s a special time, that’s for sure. Ada’s also an amazing big sister and really watches out for Eloise. I’ve enjoyed watching their relationship develop as Eloise has transformed from motionless blob to active toddler.

// TTC

I mentioned on Instagram that we tried for number three last month. It didn’t work out, and we’re not sure when we’ll try again or if we will. Basically, last month would have been good timing, so we went for it. But then due dates get into XC season for several months, which is something I’d like to avoid (but I don’t take fertility for granted, so who knows). Trying brought back a lot of emotions and thoughts that I hadn’t expected. While this was just the first month (and -- please don’t think I’m freaking out about not getting pregnant right away. I TOTALLY didn’t expect to!), I felt the weight of our previous infertility issues and multiple losses.

I don’t know how much more I’ll share about this journey, but I just wanted to put it out there. I wish TTC wasn’t this huge thing. That I could approach it without such thought or simply not think about it. I was at a children’s museum this morning and a group of friends all seemed to be pregnant with their third child and each had two kids that were very close in age as well. I heard them all talking about having their kids a year apart, 15 months apart, two years apart. It wasn’t their fault at all, but I felt isolated hearing them all chat about the relative ease of having kids back-to-back.

It also made me feel like maybe we aren’t ready to take the plunge. Their kids were running all over the place in different directions . . . and it looked e.x.h.a.u.s.t.i.n.g -- LOL. I mean, there’s a reason we waited until Ada was 2.5 to start trying for a second. There are definite advantages of Ada being in school and being home with Eloise alone most of the time. Interestingly enough, I get mistaken for a first-time mom a lot of the time.

// Life

Anyway, life is good. There’s probably a ton I’ve left out. I am trying to take more photos with my DSLR lately. I used to do photography for friends and friends of friends, but I doubt I’d do it again. Still, my skills have atrophied quite a bit, so I’d love to be a good self-taught family photo-taker.

On that note:


Thanks for reading!

I am hoping to get two more posts up this week. One is our winter bucket list and the other is my holiday gift ideas for kids. I have some creative ideas for small budgets this year. Our furnace repairs really dug into any money we had for gifts. Ah, life just costs money at every turn. We are still blessed with so many other things, though. Perspective is key.

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Zero Waste Update

It’s been a while since I wrote about our less-waste efforts. To be clear, the movement is called zero waste, but we are still very far away from declaring the 100% zero waste goal as a goal for our family. When we left off, we knew our weak spot. We had tons of packaged stuff in the pantry. While not everything was garbage, our recycling was overflowing each week. In a word, it was overwhelming.

BTW: If you’re interested, here are 12 tools to help you transition to less waste.

And here’s where we started with "zero-waste” in the spring.

To recap, here’s what we were doing right back then:

• Bringing our own bags for grocery and other shopping. Including produce bags. (Here are more ways we've tried eliminating plastics.)

• Buying produce from a CSA where we fill a huge bag with the foods versus getting them packaged in the store.

• Using DIY beeswax wrap to cover goods in the refrigerator.

• Trying to buy foods in bulk when possible.

• Cloth diapering -- at least some of the time. 

• Using or fixing the things we have versus always going out and buying new.

• Carrying our own water bottles (always) and coffee mugs (when we remember).

• Using a cloth towel system versus paper towels.

• Making many of our own cleaners, like laundry detergent, dish washing detergent, and all-purpose spray.

And here’s where we’ve improved:

• Started making even more of our own pantry items, including items we eat A LOT of, like yogurt, bread, mozzarella cheese, and jarred jalapeños, pickles, etc. Posts are coming on all of these things.

• Stopped eating many packaged foods, like tortilla chips or gummies, and transitioned to more whole or homemade foods, like apples and homemade granola bars. I’ll be sure to post more when the school year starts about how we’re dealing with this in relation to school lunches.

• In general, we have really changed how we eat. I’m cooking much more from bulk ingredients, like dry black beans, and freezing a lot of ingredients, like bulk picked blueberries. This area has been the hardest because it requires a lot of thought and planning.

• Made a new batch of beeswax wrap to replace plastic wrap. We also found these nifty silicone bowl lids that we use quite frequently -- they use suction to stay on top.

• Refreshed all our at-home cleaning supplies (links above and below) and we’ve added a few antimicrobial wood fiber cloths to our no-paper towel collection.

• I finally purchased silicone squeeze packets -- I went with The Original Squeeze ones -- to replace all those individual baby foods and applesauces we had been buying.

• While we never used fabric softener or dryer sheets, I did also get some wool dryer balls to use. I’m excited to see how they work with my essential oils.

• I continue to buy 98 percent of my clothing (and Eloise’s) second-hand (here are my favorite thrift shopping tips!). Ada’s wardrobe is about 60 percent second-hand, but my mother-in-law bought her a bunch of new school clothing from Target this year. Very much appreciated.

// Fail

I am always real with you guys. No fronting here. Our current weak spot is that I have decided not to cloth diaper. After I wrote the last post on less waste, I made a concerted effort to get back into it. I tried for several weeks to get into a groove. The thing is, Eloise wasn’t a fan. I could tell she wasn’t liking being wetter than disposables made her. She was also getting rashes far more often. Then our washing machine died and we waited a few months to buy a new one (because money). I still have them folded in the drawer next to the disposable diapers.

Excuses, excuses. I know tons of people who absolutely love cloth diapering. I’ve have good and bad experiences. I don’t really know what to do. I feel guilty a lot of the time. It’s one area that should be “easy” to navigate. But for whatever reason, it just hasn’t worked for us.


Many of you have been asking about our homemade pantry items. In my next post, I’ll cover the tools we use to create things like homemade breads, yogurt, cheese, canned goods, etc.

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Happy is Within Reach

I got a few things at Wegmans yesterday to tide us over until our next monthly grocery shopping trip. The lines were long for some reason, so I decided to read some headlines on the magazines at the checkouts.

And then I saw this gem:

Of course, I was immediately reminded of the High School Skinny post I did a long time ago.

Drop 43 pounds by Memorial Day? The date on the magazine says May 3.

Belly fat goes first? I didn't think you could target weight-loss.

81 percent fewer cravings in just 48 hours? How was that determined?

Reprogram your metabolism. Uh, huh.

And -- my favorite -- HAPPY IS WITHIN REACH

You know, just randomly thrown in.

Along with SLIM A DOUBLE CHIN

First off, how can anyone, save Biggest Loser contestants (and you know how I feel about that show!), lose 43 pounds in a month? Second, I totally see how this appeals to people. There's so much promise on this page. It makes life seem so simple. Your weight is keeping you down. Making you sad. Making you feel ugly inside and out. See those beautiful movie stars? Well, they sneak charcoal into their smoothies. If you do X, Y, and Z . . . not only will you lose weight, you'll lose LOTS of it and FAST.


Only, I'm sure nobody gets enough close to reaching what these things promise. It got me thinking: How are these publications still on the shelves? Who is buying this crap? My first exposure to these crash and fad diet magazines was in high school when my boyfriend's mother tried the cabbage soup diet. That was nearly 20 years ago, and I know they've been around longer than that.

* * * * * * * *

So many thoughts. All the thoughts. Which brings me to an update on my own weight. I am "stuck" at 145 pounds. No matter what I do. Weight Watchers certainly helped me clean up my act nutritionally, and I thank it for that. But I've decided not to continue my membership for the time being. There's more going on besides what I eat. I am almost certain I won't lose any more until I wean, and that's cool with me, albeit somewhat annoying.

In the meantime, I'm staying active. Wearing my Garmin VivoSmart, and it's working out great. I got 14,000 steps yesterday. I always go back and forth on wearing it all day, and then I realize when I wear it that I truly do feel more motivated to take a quickie walk or just do something to get my body in motion.

I may not lose 43 pounds this month (what a weirdly specific number, no?) . . . but that's not what health and, yeah, HAPPINESS is about. I will admit that I probably think about these matters more than I'd like. But even I understand that happiness isn't achieved in reaching a number on the scale. That's so much deeper. And shame on people who put out a message that says otherwise -- and profit from it, no less.

Rant over! Happy Thursday!

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Eloise Joy // 6 Months

It's been a while since I've written about the littlest member of our family. I think part of this has been because we were in a type of survival mode. I mean, the first six months is rough. Though we aren't entirely out of the sleepless nights, the growth spurts, and the many (many!) transitions . . . I do see some light.

And Eloise is surely showing us her unique personality.

(By the way: I'm writing this post as my cat is snoring loudly beside me. It's hilarious.)

I want to start by making a confession. I think in all the years I spent of having another baby, I idealized the experience. I got so fixated on the final result. The fact that getting there was pure hell for us. And I imagined that when that sweet babe was in my arms, nothing else would matter. The crying, the exhaustion, the fluctuating hormones.

The truth is: It still matters. I am so very thankful for our rainbow baby. There are days when I still cannot believe she is here. But -- people -- having an infant is hard. Harder than I remember. There are times when I think I'm tough on her. I keep thinking back and saying "Well ADA wasn't this way!" . . . and then I go and read my notes on Ada at this age. She was EXACTLY this way. Same challenges. Everything. My babies are high needs, spirited children. I think it's something they get from me.

Anyway.


Some things that are going on as we enter six months:

• We're getting ready for the big crib transition. And stopping the swaddle. At the same time. Oh, goodness. Help me. Right now, Eloise is still sleeping swaddled mostly in her swing (it all started when I read this) and Rock 'n Play. She is getting far too mobile for it all. But with the reflux, it made sense. 
• We have started solids. Our pediatrician told us to wait until 6 months, but we started a couple weeks early. It's a long story, but Stephen gives Eloise a Doidy cup of formula around dinner time. She started to show an interest in what we were eating, so we delved in with purees. I think we'll mix in some Baby-Led Weaning method soon enough. We did a mix of both with Ada as well.
• Like I mentioned, Eloise is moving a lot. Rolling a lot. And I looked back through my notes -- Ada started crawling at 6.5 months. Not that the two will be the same, but it could be on the horizon. Soon!
• Teething seems to also be close to happening. The girl has been munching her fingers for months, but the drool has kicked up a notch. She hasn't reached the miserable stage yet. Poor thing. It's coming, though.
• We have the 6-month checkup on Friday. I am dreading the shots. Eloise had a pretty bad reaction to her 4-month shots (steady fever and was just plain unhappy). But I'm interested to see if she's gaining weight well. She has been on the tiny side . . . and not sticking with her curve. I'll report back.
• Eloise has started audibly laughing recently. She's giggled and you could tell she thought things were funny before. But that's something I notice in general with her -- she's kind of quiet. She's taking it all in, and she's got a sweet way of showing it. Sister Ada was just REALLY vocal and loud all the time from the very beginning.

Other stuff:

• Nickname is firmly established as Ella. Or Ella Bella. Or Booje. Stephen started that last one shortly after she was born.
• Versus when Ada always seemed very left-dominant, Eloise seems very right-dominant with her hands. I know it's early for that -- but we could tell really early with Ada.
• Bedtime is around 7:30. We're still doing the "dream-feed" but it's more of a she-wakes-for-it feed around 10:30PM each night. Then she will nurse again between 3-5 in the morning. Then she's up for the day by 8.
• Naps are generally around 9:30, 1, and 4:30ish. The first two are usually between 1-2 hours long. The last is 30-45 minutes. We sometimes skip it if we're out and about.
• One formula feed a day is working well for us. Though she won't take a bottle, she does take 3-4 ounces in her cup, and much more readily now that we've been doing it consistently. Thinking of trying a straw cup soon. (Here's more about why I started combination feeding.)

That's all for today. Don't forget to check out my 2016 gift lists!

Related

• Eloise's Birth Story
• Healing My Infertility Wound
• Family of Four FAQ
• Miscarriage: What they DON'T Tell You
• Actively Trying
• The Thing About Secondary Infertility

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19 Weeks // Out of Steam

I felt like a super-mom a month or so ago. My life was incredibly well scheduled (as you can see in this day-in-the-life post). I'd wake up, have a bit of time to go running in the AM, get Ada ready + off to school, and then my day of glorious naps with time to work, clean the house, and re-charge would begin. Before bed, we'd have some alone time to chat and watch TV before sleeping with at least one good 5-7 hour stretch.

At 19 weeks? I haven't been able to run in the morning either because I didn't sleep much the night before or Eloise has woken up early. Nap duration is iffy, but I won't complain because at least she is napping relatively consistently (where's that wood to knock on?). Still, with not knowing how long the nap will last (and having it punctuated by crying), I get little done. I've shifted a lot of my writing to the weekends, but that means I now dread the weekends.

The daylight hours have dwindled considerably. I've been running during what should be family dinner time, rushing home so we can attempt to get into an earlier bedtime routine, and our relaxing nights are mostly going up and down the stairs every hour to settle baby to sleep. Night sleep is disrupted every 2-3 hours for nursing (we've tried calming without it to no avail). And this has been going on for a month. It's the sleep regression, right?

Ada had a regression of sorts, but it ironed out pretty quickly. Poor Eloise seems to be having a rough go. And I finally figured out why I'm so much more tired than I was when Ada was a baby! I could sleep in late with her. And now I'm getting a kid off to school in the early AM versus sleeping. Sigh. I'm really not complaining. It's just how things have been lately.

Some highlights from month 4:

• Eloise weighs just shy of 12 pounds. She's tiny -- a full pound less than Ada at this age. She isn't really following her weight curve, so I'm concerned. The doctor thinks it has to do with her reflux, so we have increased her dose of Axid.
• I believe she's 24 inches long, so she's doing great in that department with growth. Her head is also unremarkable in size, which is a great comfort to me. At 4 months is when we very first noticed that Ada's head was growing off the charts.
• Eloise is babbling. It's adorable. She was very quiet and then one day just launched in with these coos. Her favorite time to chat is after breastfeeding.
• Speaking of nursing, we've hit the distracted period. It's extremely frustrating, but I know it's because Eloise is noticing so much more about the world. We feed usually every 3-3.5 hours during the day. I have been able to get her to take full feeds by rocking and gently placing my hand on her head to cradle it.
• Eloise's new favorite thing to do is grab her toes. She prefers her right side, but today I noticed she's doing the left as well. 
• She has also started occasionally rolling from her back to her front. Honestly, though, her reflux is so bad, I rarely have her down on the ground flat.
• I broke down and bought one of those Jumperoos. We had a doorway jumper with Ada. But in our new house, there isn't a doorway with molding on both sides, so we can't use it. Eloise is just starting to be big enough to use it. Exciting times!
• Oh, and you might have gathered that we often call her "Ella" -- why? Stephen started singing her a song one day to Rihanna's Umbrella. "And your name is Ella, Ella, Ella -- wheeze, wheeze, wheeze. And I think you kind of smella, smella, Ella-wheeze." How awful are we?!

Questions I have since I'm quite rusty on this infant stuff:


Did you do formal sleep training? We didn't with Ada. She didn't really need it. (Don't hate me.) Even while sleeping in our room, I'd wake her to do a dream-feed around 10:30-11 PM and then she'd wake between 4-5AM. That was it. Eloise WAKES between 9:30-10:30 every single night and needs to eat. Then like 12-1, 3, 5-6, etc.

If so, what did you follow? I keep reading about the No-Cry Sleep Solution. Is this book worth taking my limited time to read right now? Or did you have success with any of the firmer methods? I think people usually wait till after six months, right?

How and when did you transition to the crib? Our sleep arrangement is embarrassing. Eloise's reflux is much worse than Ada's, so she is still napping in her swing and sleeping in a Rock 'n Play. I'd like to start getting her to sleep in her own room, as I feel like being in our room might actually be contributing to the night wakeups (Ada often runs into our room after nightmares, etc. and wakes her up).

When did you stop swaddling? With Ada, we had stopped sometime in month 3, but then we started again during the sleep regression. It got her sleeping well again, but I cannot remember how or when we stopped. Eloise is still swaddled, but I bought a Merlin Magic Sleepsuit in hopes it might ease the transition. Maybe do the sleepsuit AND crib at the same time. Is that a recipe for disaster? Or should we just go cold turkey. Should we wait until she's sleeping longer at night? 

Will I ever sleep again? Just kidding! I know this phase is just a phase. That this season of life passes quickly. It's just to hard to remember all that when you're in the trenches. And with that . . . I hear a certain someone stirring. Time to get some of those precious baby snuggles.

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Hello Fresh Update, FAQs, and GIVEAWAY

It's been a while since I've written about Hello Fresh, so I wanted to do a quick update. We took a break from the service when Eloise was first born because I didn't feel like doing much more than assembling sandwiches. As time went on, though, Stephen and I both felt like cooking again. We're now on our second box since bringing home baby -- and it's lot of fun!

My favorite meal so far is this week's Charred Scallion + Corn Flatbread. Each portion was actually two huge pieces like this one. The pizza dough it came with was so bubbly and amazing. I wish I could get the recipe for it. You put the tomatoes and chives (mixed with lime juice) on after baking.

Yum!

Here's how we made this meal work for Ada (who HATES anything resembling pizza):


Basically, we put the veggies and salsa on the side with a serving of pasta (well, two servings -- we saved some for today's lunch). That's sort of our go-to substitution for her. That or some other side like rice. It helps make the box for two stretch to serving two adults and one child. However, there are also many meals she'll eat as they are.

Here are some other meals I've really enjoyed:

FAQs

I've received some questions about the service, so I thought I'd briefly answer the most frequently asked.

Is the food cold when it gets to your house? 

Surprisingly? Yes. For some reason, our UPS doesn't deliver until nearly 6PM, and even in the summer our food has stayed cold and fresh. They pack a lot of ice in the box, which seems to do the trick.

How long does the food stay fresh? Has anything been bad when you got the box?

The food seems to stay fresh for a week, so that's the time frame in which you should be cooking the recipes. I will say that some of the ingredients have gone south sooner (summer squash, for example), so we try to cook first whatever looks like it needs to be used. It's just a matter of peeking inside the box and planning accordingly. That being said, it's really not been much of an issue.

As far as ingredients being bad when we're received them -- it happened just once. The cilantro with one of the recipe was just mushy, gritty, and unappealing. But nothing else since then. Thankfully we had some extra herbs in the garden that week.

How long do the recipes take?

They all seem to be just 30 minutes with maybe 10-20 minutes of that being prep time. That's one thing I find so appealing -- it's FAST. I don't have any more time than that these days to cook. And, as a result, I'm able to learn some good recipes (I keep the cards) to make in the future to increase my library of fast meals.

Are the recipes repetitive?

They can be. Or, rather, ingredients can seem to be. I remember there were two weeks before Eloise was born where it seemed like feta was in each and every dish. I got a little tired of the cheese after a while. They also seemed kind of heavy on the tostadas, quesadillas, taco notes for a while. I didn't mind that terribly much, though, because each recipe did taste different with different ingredients.

The good news: You can see what recipes are coming up ahead of time and choose to pause delivery if something just looks boring to you. I am doing that for the next week because I see that they're serving a Mexican quinoa bowl, and I know how to make that myself.

Anything you don't like about Hello Fresh?

I wish they had more choices for vegetarians. You get what you get versus with the original box where you can choose which recipes you want for the week. Even if they had just one extra meal on the table so you could choose three of the four choices -- that would be great. There are some weeks I just say NO to the meals because I'm not enthused about one of them.

$40 Off Code + FREE Box

So, that's my update. I hope it helps. Like I've said in the past, I don't normally do box service things like these -- but I really think they serve a great purpose if you hit a rough or busy patch in life. We will probably do some more weeks of it during the school year when Stephen's coaching schedule is particularly heavy.

If you'd like to try it for yourself, you can get $40 off your first delivery.

Visit Hello Fresh and use code YCEAHR at the checkout.

I also have a FREE box of food to give away to one lucky winner.

• Leave a comment below telling me what your favorite summer meal is.
• I'll need your email address or some other way to contact you. 
• I'll announce the winner next Wednesday, August 10th.

Happy Wednesday!

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Pregnancy: Week 23

Blogging hasn't been happening lately, though I don't need to tell you guys that! Random quiet on this space was totally unintentional, but I am hoping to get back into a better rhythm this week. Ada's been hitting some bad sleep patterns (waking up an hour earlier than normal, skipping naps, not going down until after 9PM, etc.). Working from home is great, but not when my time gets crunched so much.

So, we skipped a week. Here's 23 weeks!

News this week:

I have another GBS + UTI. And I totally freaked out about it. I don't understand really why this is happening to me. I read that only 5 percent of UTIs are caused by the GBS bacteria. Then I read the CDC's information on what it can do during pregnancy, delivery, etc. I have a midwife appointment later this week, and I'll probably report more than. In short: I'm freaked out about it and my midwife is getting tired of my neuroses.

I have decided to stop running. At least for now. I don't know. I don't really NEED to stop running, but the pressure and constant need to pee don't make it feel too great. I'm sticking with Barre3 most days (five or so days for 30 minutes to an hour) and walking a lot. I feel strong and centered. If I feel like trying to run in the future, I won't close my mind to it, but I'm also mentally OK with stopping.

I have finally started to gain more weight. At this point, I'm up 9 pounds. I did have some random nausea and vomiting last week, but I think it was an isolated event where I didn't eat enough.

I've been really tired. I want to go to bed by 9:30 most nights and I'd love if I didn't have to do anything until 9:30 the next morning. Though I wake up around 6:30, it takes a long time to get my body going in the morning. I'm trying to take things more slowly.

I'm on antibiotics again. I hate it. It's for the UTI. It's just so weird how Ada's pregnancy wasn't perfect, yet I didn't need anything medical to keep it going. This time I've already had two rounds of antibiotics, lots of progesterone, and baby aspirin. I know it could be "worse" but it just makes me marvel at how different one pregnancy can be to the next.

I did buy the Belly Bandit Upsie Belly, and I wasn't thrilled with it. PROs: It was really well made, high quality materials, and seemed like it would work if I wasn't carrying so awfully low. CONs: It was too bulky and I couldn't sit down in it. So, I sent it back and decided on the Blanqi Body Styler. I should get it tomorrow, so I'll be sure to let you guys know what I think of it.

Other stuff:

New development: Baby E responds to my touch!
Sleep report: I'm like a rotisserie chicken, rotating all night long
When I predict I'll give birth: June 12th
Size of belly: It is actually a lot like when I was 28/29 weeks with Ada
Looking forward to: Ada's big sister class. It's in April!
Delivery location: I'm considering switching hospitals. More on that soon.
What else? I'll be back tomorrow with an outfit post featuring PinkBlush Maternity + a fun giveaway for you guys.

Other updates:

• 21 weeks
• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

Like what you just read? You can subscribe to the feed of these posts or follow us on Twitter or Facebook to be the first to know what the (never home)makers are up to. And we’ll love you forever!

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Pregnancy: Week 21 // Video

Thanks for sharing all your labor and birth experiences on my last post. I guess there's really no telling if Baby E will come early, late, or on time! One thing is for sure -- I feel way more pregnant at this stage than I did with Ada. I don't mean to moan about it too much, but my aching back! By the end of each night, I am all sorts of a mess. I may invest in a pregnancy support belt soon . . . and a few of your suggested a Blanqi Support Tank, and I like the looks of that.

Bump shot. This is also my standard uniform these days. Yoga pants and a basic t-shirt.

Something different for today -- a video update for you guys today!



Some highlights:

// I'm feeling a lot of aches and pains, especially in my back and lower belly. Apparently I carry pregnancies low, which is why I feel this way, I'm sure.

// My running days are numbered. It's just not comfortable anymore. I need to stop comparing myself to my 27-year-old pregnant self and just embrace what feels best. I'm working on it.

// My first prenatal yoga class is this weekend! I had so much trouble finding one in my area, so I'm really excited for it. Hoping I can meet some other moms and relax.

// Time is really slowing down for me. I'd love if I could reach the viability stage, like, yesterday (around 24 weeks). My next midwife appointment is just shy of this milestone, so it cannot come soon enough.

// I'm taking baths in epsom salts each night to see if it will help with my Braxton Hicks contractions. It's also a nice ritual that is helping me just disconnect and breathe.

// I'd be ready if the baby came today. Not that I want her to arrive early -- but I have everything we need basically just hanging around the nursery. I'm definitely not a typical "seasoned" mom and I'm way too excited about having another baby in the house. It's been so long.

// Overall I'm having some anxiety about making it to the end of pregnancy. I always tell my midwife everything I'm thinking so I'm feeling OK, but I'm not able to ever forget I'm pregnant. It's constantly in my mind, and I kind of wish I could just let go and enjoy. I'm trying some breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques to help.

Other stuff:

How I'm sleeping: Not well. Peeing 10,000 times per night
Weight gained: 7 pounds
Days till due date: 128
Latest craving: Peanut Butter M&Ms
Biggest complaint: Cannot sit without back pain
Feel best when: I'm hunched over my Yogibo at night
Kind of freaked about: The early days of breastfeeding
What I don't care about: My pregnancy style! Thank goodness I work from home.

Other updates:

• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

Like what you just read? You can subscribe to the feed of these posts or follow us on Twitter or Facebook to be the first to know what the (never home)makers are up to. And we’ll love you forever!

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It’s a . . .

I’m having some technical problems with my computer today. Gah. Very frustrating.

So, I’ll get to the full 18-week update hopefully tomorrow.

For now, we’re thrilled to announce . . .

It’s a GIRL!


I’ll write more about the scan in my 18-week update. In short: Everything looked good. Baby girl was curled up in the fetal position the entire time, which made getting all the measurements quite tricky. Ada went with us, and when the tech told us the sex, she said “See, I TOLD you it was a girl!”

In other news, I’m pretty sure we have a name.

More soon!

Like what you just read? You can subscribe to the feed of these posts or follow us on Twitter or Facebook to be the first to know what the (never home)makers are up to. And we’ll love you forever!

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9 Weeks + 1 Day

Ah! So, I keep saying I don’t want to write about my pregnancy and then I only write about my pregnancy. (Sorry!) It’s just shocking me how well it’s going after so much heartache this year, and I guess it’s really all I can think about right now (well, along with some mounting deadlines -- but this stuff is more fun).

So, quick update today on my 9 week + 1 day appointment.

Stephen went with me, and it started with an ultrasound. My usual tech was on vacation, but I was able to get one of the women who did a lot of my ultrasounds with Ada. She’s really nice. The thing that really struck me about this appointment is that I wasn’t seeing many of the nurses/doctors/etc. I’ve seen in the past year throughout all our bad news. So, today I ended up having to repeat our recurrent pregnancy loss story to a lot of people. Which sucked.

They were all like: “Three in a year?!”
And we were like: “Yup...”
And they were like: “Did you find out why?”
And we were like: “Nope, but progesterone is apparently our miracle drug."

Anyway, my tech got right to business. I almost fell off the exam table because I couldn’t believe how big the bean has gotten in just two weeks (here’s my last appointment). I know he or she is only the size of a grape, but most of my ultrasounds this year have only shown tiny grains of rice. I guess most surprising and exciting of all is that the fetus (it’s a fetus now!) MOVED. A lot. It actually did a full-on jig in there.

For the first time in a long time, I believe we might be bringing home a baby in June.

The measurement was spot on at 9 weeks and 1 day. The heart rate is 162 beats per minute. Everything looks great. I met with my new midwife and told her about all of my many concerns, including my fear of getting irritable uterus* again. I feel like working with her is going to be really good. I didn’t like my midwife earlier in the year and she left the practice anyway -- so it was a good timing, I suppose.

I have a bunch of blood work I need to get. Otherwise, my next appointment is at 12 weeks and 2 days when we get to do the NT screening (another ultrasound). Then I have a midwife appointment the following week (I didn’t have an exam today, that will be next time). We have decided to tell Ada after the 12 week scan. We had considered doing it today, but I just want to make sure we’re out of the riskiest part. Even though everything looks perfect, I know still that anything can happen at any stage.

The only TMI thing is that my cervix is quite low. I only know this because I take the suppositories twice a day, so I’ve gotten quite familiar more familiar than I ever wanted to be with my anatomy. I guess this is because I have a retroverted uterus. It points toward my spine versus my belly button, so the cervix is in a different direction to. Just like with Ada, this weird uterus thing should right itself when the baby gets bigger and heavier, likely by the second trimester. It’s mostly annoying and causes back cramping sometimes.

* SPEAKING of irritable uterus. When I was having the ultrasound, the tech said “oh, you see that curve on your gestational sac? That’s a braxton hicks contraction!” And I was like “AHHHH NOT ALREADY!” I know it’s normal to have them all throughout pregnancy. I’m just hoping it won’t be quite as debilitating this time around. Only time will tell.

I feel like I need to pinch myself. My big thing this week is getting beyond the 9 weeks 4 days point (Thanksgiving day). That’s when I had my D&C, and I think it’s going to be cathartic to just move past this date. Strangely enough, my symptoms with this pregnancy have been so incredibly similar to that pregnancy -- it’s crazy. I am looking forward to not comparing the two pregnancies anymore.

So, there’s my update. Thanks for reading. Thanks for your good vibes.

Like what you just read? You can subscribe to the feed of these posts or follow us on Twitter or Facebook to be the first to know what the (never home)makers are up to. And we’ll love you forever!

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Happy Birthday // Ultrasound Update

Today is my sweet Ada Mae’s 4th birthday! She’s off at school right now celebrating with her classmates. What the teachers do is have the birthday kid take on the roll of “snack helper” for the day. She got to bring in little cupcakes for her friends, she gets to ring some snack bell, and I think she gets to be the leader of the hand-washing line. These are important things, people!

I’ll write more about Ada’s birthday after we have her party (very small) next weekend. Stephen was away for the XC state meet this past weekend, which is why we delayed it a bit. Stay tuned . . .

Next up: I don’t know how consistent I’ll be with blogging for the next month or so. I’m trying my best, but getting my work done has been tough enough with all the morning sickness. Which I’m thrilled to have, don’t get me wrong, it’s just blindsided me how much worse it is than when I was pregnant with Ada. With Ada's pregnancy, I actually got sick maybe a handful of times. It was mostly nausea. I even wrote a post with some of my tricks for dealing with sickness.

Guess what? None of them work this time around. Joke is on me!

This time, I’ve been getting sick at least 3 times a day and feeling nauseous almost 100% of the time otherwise. Even in the middle of the night. Unless I eat c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y. (and -- btw -- all food looks and smells wretched), I will get sick. But then I also get sick because I’m too full. And then I also get sick for no reason whatsoever. Things that do help are sorbet popsicles, Sour Patch Kids (ew), and freezer waffles, but only the mini kind. But then all that changes day to day.

Exercise also makes me sick right now, so I won’t be a running machine this pregnancy. I do 3 very slow miles 3 to 4 times a week. Otherwise, not much. I am accepting that I will probably gain a bit more, lose tons of fitness, etc. But that’s another post for another day. I’m just so happy to be pregnant, so I’m going to do everything in my power to enjoy it and nurture myself in the process.

That brings me to our ultrasound news.


At my first appointment, my awesome fertility doctor said: “you’re going to want a peace of mind ultrasound, no?” And I was like YES. So, I went in for that one last week when I was 7 weeks 4 days. With our missed miscarriage, the baby measured 11 days behind with a barely detectable heartbeat at 7 weeks and 4 days. To say I was anxious before getting into the exam room is a huge understatement. I was terrified.

But it was all good! The embryo measured 7 weeks, 4 days exactly. And that flicker of light had turned into a measurable 168 beats a minute heart rate! I was absolutely ecstatic because -- though anything can still happen -- there’s nothing looking odd or behind or off with this pregnancy. I am starting to relax just a little bit.

I have another ultrasound (I feel very fortunate) for my intake with the midwife I’ll be seeing next Monday. I’ll be 9 weeks and 1 day. Everyone says that second pregnancies (well, I guess this is technically my 5th -- weird) go so fast, and mine is certainly crawling due to everything we’ve been through. I do think if things are looking good that we will probably tell Ada after this appointment. It’s been hard throwing up so frequently and just saying “Oh, mommy is sick.” She knows SOMEthing is going on.

This post is getting sort of long. I have a lot more random stuff to fill you in on, so I’ll do a part II tomorrow. Hope you all had a great weekend! I’m off to make today great for my little lady. I cannot believe she’s 4! I remember laboring like it was yesterday. And here I go getting all misty eyed.

HAPPY MONDAY!

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Kitchen Updates

It’s been a while since I’ve written about our kitchen renovation. We made a few more updates recently that I’m excited to share, and I think the space is coming along nicely. I actually really liked the wooden cabinets when we moved in, but after a while we noticed that the kitchen doesn’t get much light for most of the day. As a result, we were always cooking in the dark unless we flipped on the artificial light.

Here’s the before:

We installed the wooden shelving from our old kitchen (remember the $400 update we did before selling last year? Crazy!) in the new space a few days after we moved into the house. I love having all my bulk ingredient at an arm’s reach, and I think it looks pretty great.  Part of me wants to remove half the wall these shelves are on to open up the kitchen to the dining room, but then I’d lose all the storage.

We also did the floor with vinyl tile + grout.

Oh, and we also made a DIY pot rack using plumbing pipes.


After spray-painting the cabinets white . . .

And hand-painting the backsplash . . .

Here’s where we are today:


Two big improvements:

A new faucet (which I’ll write more about soon) and our new counter-depth, side-by-side refrigerator (this one by Frigidaire Gallery). Our old fridge was an off-white color and the freezer handle snapped off long ago. We also have a water softener, so I hate the way our water tastes out of the faucet, we’re planning to hook up the water component soon -- its filter is awesome. I also really like this style of fridge better than our drawer freezer because I do a lot of freezer cooking. Now I can stack my meals and keep stuff better organized.

Here’s a closer look:


So, we’re at this point when the project is nearly “done” -- but our countertop color does annoy me because the rest of the space is relatively cool and doesn’t jibe with the warm brown. I thought the backsplash might tie it all together, but it still looks a bit jumbled. At the same time, they’re totally functional and in excellent condition, so I don’t see changing them anytime in the near future.

I’m hoping to do another couple updates with budget breakdown and then stick a fork in this project. It’s awesome to have the room where we spend the most time so personalized. Especially since we’re planning to be in this house for a long time.

Happy Thursday!

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6 Weeks, 5 Days

Today I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The story is kind of miraculous. I found out just days before we were to start all the infertility testing. And I’ve been celebrating for the past month by planning cute Halloween costumes in my head (due date would be around 10/29) and looking up baby names, for which we have a girl name picked and a few contenders for boy. (Why are boy names so difficult to choose?) Everything from Ada’s baby days is sitting in the new nursery waiting to be unpacked -- clothes, crib, carriers. And it’s our first “warm” weather day in what feels like ages.

The only problem is that I think I’m miscarrying. Or that I soon will.

Stephen and I went in for a scan last week. It’s not the habit of my midwife to order early scans, but I was under the care of the clinic’s fertility specialist and, therefore, under his protocols. My first HCG draws were good and doubling as to be expected, so we scheduled the scan. I wasn’t expecting to see a heartbeat, but when we didn’t see the fetal pole, I felt uneasy. Because I’ve been tracking and trying for so long, I know when I ovulated when we likely did or did not conceive to the day. We left that appointment with a bunch of “it’s too early” comments, and the week-long wait began for the next scan.

Which brings us to yesterday. I tossed and turned in my bed all night anxious about the repeat test. Stephen has an evaluation this week, so getting off from work is difficult for him. And my friend offered to watch Ada so I could go by myself to see if we’ve made any progress. I sat in the waiting room with my heart pounding out of my chest, which was more my body’s doing than anything else. I had no control over it. When the ultrasound tech called my name, I knew it’d be over soon. The awful waiting. I’ve spent so much of my life waiting this last year or so.

The minute we got a look into my uterus, I could see we had indeed progressed since last week. There was the tiniest fetal pole and even a little flicker of a heartbeat. The tech did some measurements. Heart rate was 92 beats per minute. However, there wasn’t a lot of time to rejoice. She began asking me if my dates were correct. I assured her I was tracking my cycle, using OPKs, and monitoring other symptoms of ovulation. Still, the baby was measuring at 5 weeks 4 days, a full week behind my dating with specific regard to conception (my LMP due date would have me over 7 weeks, but I ovulated late last month). In fact, that’s what I should have measured and what we should have seen on the screen last week.

My heart sank because there’s seriously no way I could be that far behind -- that would mean I conceived a mere couple days before getting a positive pregnancy test. Not possible even with the most sensitive tests. Not possible with our timeline of when we did and did not try. The tech tried so hard to have the dates make sense by saying “well, if you ovulated maybe a couple days later, then conception happened 24 hours after that, then later implantation, etc.” -- and we still couldn’t get things to work on even the craziest scenario.

So, now I’m in for another gut-wrenching week-long wait. The midwife wasn’t discouraging or encouraging, really, but she sort of said “if your dates aren’t agreeing with the scan with that large of an error, you should pay attention to that.” Then she asked about my support system and told me if I started bleeding, I can just progress at home if I feel OK. In other words, more leaning toward things not working out.

I feel numb. And I found myself quite paralyzed asking questions in the office. So many large pregnant bellies had surrounded me in the waiting room . . . and here I was getting all doom and gloom and asking about how natural miscarriages start or what other options we might have to resort to if things don’t turn around. I tried making my appointment for next week but had to excuse myself and tell them I’d call back later. I rushed through the waiting room past all the pregnant women again, trying my best to just keep it together. My emotions poured out the minute I got to my car.

I have another scan next Monday, and I believe that one will likely be the answer. What I do know is that I’m not off on my dates. Yet, we have seen good progress since last week. I don’t have a good vibe from my provider, but I also have the beginnings of morning sickness (ugh -- getting worse by the day) and e.x.t.r.e.m.e exhaustion. What I do know is that my little baby’s heart is beating inside my body right now, even if only for a little while longer. I’m trying to cherish this time and muster all my strength into nurturing and caring for him or her even at this early stage. I’m trying so very hard to stay positive. But I’m also trying to understand that realistically things aren’t looking favorably on our situation.

This isn’t the kind of update I saw myself writing. I’ve never wanted something so badly and -- at the same time -- felt so completely out of control. A couple of my friends have had similar situations where things turned around. Machines are wrong. Miracles happen. I’m trying to consider all sides. Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. I’ll be sure to update soon, but I figured I’d write this now and hope to be wrong about the outcome.

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Postpartum Body Update

It's been over a year since I last updated you all about my postpartum fitness and weight. Partially I feel it's just not relevant to speak about my body in terms of "postpartum" anymore -- Ada's nearly two years old and I've moved on with my life. And -- also partially -- I was frustrated with being stalled at 5 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight no matter how much I was training or eating well.

I know 5 pounds isn't much. Still, I just didn't want to talk about it + generally had accepted the extra weight as new normal. My clothes fit a bit tighter, but athletically, I was still performing well. It sounds trite, but my body image did improve after pregnancy, not necessarily by conscious effort or personal growth. Perhaps by necessity, if that makes any sense.

I have decided to write on this topic again because I've received lots of emails and comments related to "getting back" or the before-baby body. How long it takes. What I did to slim down. What works when nothing else seems to, etc. I usually reply with a response about how I'm not back to normal. That each woman is different, each situation after pregnancy is different, and there's really no magic answer, unfortunately.

I still stand by these words, but in the interest of hope, I'd like to share with you that it took a long 23 months after giving birth -- and 6 months after weaning Ada -- to return to my pre-pregnancy weight. My stretched stomach is finally getting flat, the skin getting tighter again. And the magic solution ended up being TIME.

I never did any hardcore dieting or supremely healthy eating to get back to my weight. I didn't cut out entire food groups with the hope of sliding the scale in my favor. Yes, I trained for half marathons, but didn't do any more exercising than my body was used to before, during, or after pregnancy. In fact, as I read through my posts over the last several years, I'm struck with how lax I've become about fitness these days. Or, maybe to state in better words, how better balanced I've become at incorporating activity into my daily routine.

Balance is a good thing.

I read my pregnancy running posts now and feel a bit shaky about how intensely focused -- hell-bent -- I was on getting in those miles despite morning sickness or exhaustion or whatever else I was feeling at the time. I ran more then than I do now, and I'm pretty sure it's because I was trying to prove a lot to myself and to others. While I'm hoping to gain more discipline as I look to new running goals, at the same time -- I'm racing faster than ever, so something seems to be working if I'm focusing solely on performance.

Sure it's absolutely annoying when it seems like all other women are shrinking back to normal with little effort. Sure it seems sometimes that the breastfeeding + weight loss thing is just a cruel joke or reserved for a privileged few. Sure dieting and lots of exercise might get you back into your jeans faster. But as hard as it is to accept in this culture of constant comparison -- it's really is true: Each woman's body responds differently to the hormones and other jazz associated with pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, etc.


Time was all that worked for me, along with eating like I always have and exercising moderately and then more intensely at times. Weaning did seem to help. And now that I'm back to "normal" I'm already beginning to think about number 2, so the cycle will continue. At least now I know what to expect and can stop being so hard on myself.

But you, too, should give yourself a break, which I know is easier said than done.

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Half Marathon Training Update

I have less than two weeks till the half marathon, and I've begun a slight taper so my legs will be fresh on race day.

M: 12 miles long // didn't take watch
T: 3 miles easy recovery
W: 4 sets squats + 1 hour yoga at gym
R: Rest
F: 4 miles, first 3 @ 7:30/mile sustained + cool down at 8:30
S: 6.35 miles -- Run for Boston
S: Rest, home alone during Stephen's 77.7 mile relay race

I've pushed my long runs to Mondays for a variety of reasons. What's not on this chart is my last real long run that I completed yesterday: 13.1 miles in 1:50:00, 8:23/mile. Phew. I'm glad that's over. Thankfully the distance/my endurance is coming back, and I'm feeling much less worried about upping my mileage for my fall marathon (Wineglass).

Overall, I'd say my training this cycle has been relatively consistent and strong. Just to help recap, here's a look again at my plan, which I didn't follow exactly . . . but was pretty close:


Cross-training, specifically swimming, was going to be a new focus for me this time around. What I didn't anticipate is that our gym would be working on our pool for several weeks, so I've been unable to log those yards, ultimately taking an extra rest day. I'm not thrilled because swimming has really helped with my cardiovascular training, but I'll survive.

I have done at least one good 1-hour session of yoga each week, whether it was at the gym or at home. Between the stretching/strengthening and running 4 days a week versus 5, I'm feeling much less injury-prone. It's also helped with our family/life balance -- it's hard when both parents are training, but somehow we're making it work.

Last, I've been impressed with how I've actually completed the hard pace workouts and have even pushed the times I outlined in this plan. I have stuck with it, which I'm hoping gains me some results -- as in a sub 1:45:00 finish.


THE PROBLEM WITH TRYING

And at the same time, knowing that I have tried + devoted such energy to my training is mentally psyching me out. I usually put in a good effort, but either can't quantify it (don't wear a watch or time myself) and/or don't stick to those key workouts. Then I have a convenient excuse on race day if things don't go as planned.

Honestly, I've poured my heart into this training. If my time is stagnant or even slower, I'll be crushed and somewhat disheartened. Frustrated. And maybe even angry. I feel like by now I should be able to accomplish my goal. I guess we'll wait + see.

There's safety in not trying, right? It's been my method for most races. I'll put in the miles, but -- ultimately -- it's a gamble race day if I PR or not. It's worked for me. I've gained faster race times at a lot of events and, at others, had a safety net for my ego.

And maybe mentally this method helps because race morning when everyone is lining up and nervously chattering before the gun goes off, I can say "well, I didn't really TRY, so we'll see how I do." It takes the pressure off somehow.


Do any of the rest of you share in my experience?

Do you train really hard and gun it for your personal bests? Or, like me, do you like to just see what happens?

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