Happy is Within Reach

I got a few things at Wegmans yesterday to tide us over until our next monthly grocery shopping trip. The lines were long for some reason, so I decided to read some headlines on the magazines at the checkouts.

And then I saw this gem:

Of course, I was immediately reminded of the High School Skinny post I did a long time ago.

Drop 43 pounds by Memorial Day? The date on the magazine says May 3.

Belly fat goes first? I didn't think you could target weight-loss.

81 percent fewer cravings in just 48 hours? How was that determined?

Reprogram your metabolism. Uh, huh.

And -- my favorite -- HAPPY IS WITHIN REACH

You know, just randomly thrown in.

Along with SLIM A DOUBLE CHIN

First off, how can anyone, save Biggest Loser contestants (and you know how I feel about that show!), lose 43 pounds in a month? Second, I totally see how this appeals to people. There's so much promise on this page. It makes life seem so simple. Your weight is keeping you down. Making you sad. Making you feel ugly inside and out. See those beautiful movie stars? Well, they sneak charcoal into their smoothies. If you do X, Y, and Z . . . not only will you lose weight, you'll lose LOTS of it and FAST.


Only, I'm sure nobody gets enough close to reaching what these things promise. It got me thinking: How are these publications still on the shelves? Who is buying this crap? My first exposure to these crash and fad diet magazines was in high school when my boyfriend's mother tried the cabbage soup diet. That was nearly 20 years ago, and I know they've been around longer than that.

* * * * * * * *

So many thoughts. All the thoughts. Which brings me to an update on my own weight. I am "stuck" at 145 pounds. No matter what I do. Weight Watchers certainly helped me clean up my act nutritionally, and I thank it for that. But I've decided not to continue my membership for the time being. There's more going on besides what I eat. I am almost certain I won't lose any more until I wean, and that's cool with me, albeit somewhat annoying.

In the meantime, I'm staying active. Wearing my Garmin VivoSmart, and it's working out great. I got 14,000 steps yesterday. I always go back and forth on wearing it all day, and then I realize when I wear it that I truly do feel more motivated to take a quickie walk or just do something to get my body in motion.

I may not lose 43 pounds this month (what a weirdly specific number, no?) . . . but that's not what health and, yeah, HAPPINESS is about. I will admit that I probably think about these matters more than I'd like. But even I understand that happiness isn't achieved in reaching a number on the scale. That's so much deeper. And shame on people who put out a message that says otherwise -- and profit from it, no less.

Rant over! Happy Thursday!

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Skinny Versus Healthy, Part II: Leading by Example

Over the weekend, I re-read my Skinny Versus Healthy post from a couple years ago. So much has changed about my body image since I wrote it, especially after my pregnancy. Becoming an athlete, seeing my body's worth as more than just looks, is what first snapped me out of the disordered eating and treating-myself-poorly cycle.

You'd think having a baby would pretty much erase all my negative thoughts.

I created life. Within myself. Within my own body. Conceived, carried, birthed, and -- now -- sustain. I'd like to say I haven't had any issues with my weight and general shape, but that would be a total lie. Gaining almost 30 pounds in 9 months, no matter the reason, and then losing it again, though not quite all of it, surely has its mental ups and downs. I've tried my best to stay positive. And I know I'm doing well slowly but surely getting back to where I want to be.

But then there's this whole question of what "back" really is these days. Is it feasible for me to be in the same kind of shape I maintained in my mid-20s? As a child, I heard many, OK, MOST women talk about how they "used to be fit" but "then had babies" . . . so I always learned to equate having children with getting heavier and stopping activity. It was one of my biggest anxieties with getting pregnant in the first place.

As much as I've carved an identity for myself as a runner, in the back in my mind, a small part of me was scared that those days would forever be over.


But back to expectations. Of course I'd like to fit into all my old clothes. For the number on the scale to dip to where it used to rest for so many years. My "happy weight" as I hear it so often referred to. Now that I'm a mom. Now that my body has gone through this incredible transformation . . . what is reasonable?

Will my stomach ever flatten again? (Maybe?)
If it doesn't, will I ever get over it? (I hope so.)
As a mom, should I really care so much anymore? (Yes? No?)

I'm still trying to figure it all out. There will certainly be more to write on this topic.


What I DO know is that I have more to think about than just myself these days. I sometimes worry that my disordered past will somehow rub off on Ada. Having a daughter is a huge responsibility in this respect. Of course, all children pick up on things/habits/etc. from their parents, but statistically girls are much more likely to develop negative body image, eating disorders, etc.

The last thing I want is for my own troubles to influence how Ada someday sees herself.

It seems silly to worry so early about any of this. But I keep reading about children as young as 8 years old (and even younger) who suffer from eating disorders. My own struggles started with anorexic tendencies when I was 12. As hard as I try, I cannot pinpoint exactly where it all began. Or why I ended up binging/purging in my later teenage years. Or continued to struggle with food and body image for years and years after that.

I know for certain my parents couldn't have done much about it. But having gone through my own issues, can I help Ada?


I want to do my best to lead by example. To help Ada by cooking healthy foods for myself . . . and now for her (she had her first meal tonight!). Moving my body each day and sharing my love of sports/running (among many, many other activities). But there's got to be more I could do.

This is another one of those posts that has no real takeaway. But I'd love your thoughts on bringing up children with positive body image, especially if you have a sorted past of your own. I think all parents want a better life for their children. For me, this is just one of those areas where I don't want history to repeat itself.


Speaking of Ada Mae: Today is her half-year birthday. You can check out her 6-month update over on Writing Chapter Three!

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Skinny versus Healthy

I've been down on myself lately because I've been carrying a few extra pounds in the weeks after hard training for the Lehigh Valley Half Marathon. I've not been watching what I've been eating. Been moving around far less. But I have stopped feeling bad for myself and realized I have the powder to turn it all around. So, this week I've revamped my "diet" (and I don't diet these days, just eat wholesome, good foods -- less sweet stuff and fats). I've been heading out the door more (despite how sore I am after our epic bike trek this weekend). And it seems to be working just fine.

It's more about how I feel than how I look or what the scale says. And I'm feeling much, much better. I'm getting back into my usual weight range, too. Without feeling hungry or like I'm denying myself anything.

All of this internal dialog, though, has made me think back to a time when I was seriously dieting. The entire summer before our wedding -- back in 2007. I was 23. I was totally stressed at work. And all that seemed to matter was the wedding and how I could fit into the dress the seamstress made a TAD too small. OK. Like an entire size too small. Back then, I weighed 10 pounds less than I do now. I don't even know how that's possible, but it is. I was seriously SKINNY -- frail, even. And I don't mean any of those words in a bragging or proud way.


I look back on our wedding photos and cringe . . . because I know what it took to be that tiny. So, I thought I'd profile SKINNY versus HEALTHY today. Because in the end, it's all about how you feel. What you can accomplish with your body (think race PRs not fitting into size 1 jeans). I know what my healthy weight is. It's where I land despite the highest mileage weeks during marathon training. When I'm eating the best foods. When I feel powerful and strong. It's not a specific number on the scale -- it's more a range. To repeat myself again, it's also a feeling.

SKINNY


Skinny just didn't feel right. I'd wake up each morning tired, drag myself out of bed, and "feast" on a one-serving bowl of Special K. I'd rush around to get to work, where I'd sit and deny my cravings. And that would maybe be OK if I was craving fruits and veggies -- because I SHOULD have been eating them. Instead, if I got terribly hungry, I'd nosh on a small package of Oreo 100 calorie packs. I'd drink ridiculous amounts of coffee to keep myself buzzing (and I HATE coffee). Lunch was always a small serving of broccoli and brown rice (to put it in perspective, I eat probably 3 times this serving size now).


When I'd get home, I'd try desperately to run. But I was far too stressed and tired, so I only could manage long, brisk walks around the neighborhood. It felt weird not being able to run. But during that period of time, I thought eating less was better than working out more. It was this warped logic I found myself in when I started to see the numbers on the scale plummet. I'd eat a dinner -- never the same as Stephen -- which was always, always, always a Lean Cuisine (thinking about all that sodium makes me sick!). Then I'd finish out the night by eating a popsicle and maybe another Oreo 100 calorie pack. And that was IT. I'd do push-ups and lift weights during commercial breaks of wedding planning shows. Occasionally I'd binge on peanut butter M&Ms and feel incredibly awful and guilty about it.


Thinking back, I remember being hungry ALL the time. I remember having absolutely no energy. My stomach would growl. I'd feel lightheaded. Basically, I had nothing inside of me, and that's exactly how I felt. My emotions were EVERYWHERE, too. And I know that's a symptom of wedding planning, but I'm sure not-so proper nutrition didn't help matters any.

The wedding day came and went. And, thankfully, I quickly returned back to my healthy habits once all the stress to fit into the dress faded. I can't help wondering, though, how I found myself in that incredibly destructive cycle. It crept up on me so gradually. And before I could do anything about it, I was so immersed, I really couldn't see I needed a way out.

HEALTHY


I consider this past year my healthiest year. I stayed at my "active weight" -- the weight where I feel the best, the most able to achieve my goals, like running a marathon. I wake up each morning tired, but not from lack of calories. From a good sweat the night before. I eat a hearty bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, usually with sliced fruit and/or nuts. I bring lots of food to work with me -- apples, celery sticks with natural nut butters, carrots, hummus, whole grain pita bread, even an energy chunk or two. I could go on.

Point is: I never go hungry. I don't eat a "lunch" -- just graze throughout the day. I bound from place to place, but don't FORCE myself to walk if I don't feel like it. I read during my breaks and blog during my specific lunch time.


When I get home, I run. I've been training for lots of races, so I have a prescribed plan most of the time. And usually I'm able to complete my workout for the day. If not, I don't get too down on myself because I realize my body needs rest. I try my best to distinguish when I need rest versus when I'm just not feeling it (and know that heading out will actually be more beneficial than not). Dinner each night is different. We do still eat broccoli and brown rice a lot, but as I mentioned above -- a lot more of it. We get creative with our meals. They're always teeming with fresh vegetables and fruits. And I most usually eat some type of dessert (much of what you see on this blog).

After dinner, I don't force myself to lift weights or do crunches during commercial breaks. If it's nice out, maybe we'll take a walk or play yard games. Other nights, we read, blog, and watch TV. Before bed, I work toward my goal of doing 100 push-ups at one time (I'm up to 65!!!). I go to bed by 10PM every single night.


Healthy feels strong. Confident. Relaxed. Centered. And steady. I love to cook and bake, and I can enjoy these hobbies instead of fear them. I love to race, and I can participate in many races without feeling like I'll faint. I may not fit in my wedding dress, but I'm still fit. It feels so much better to live this way, and I just wish I had these happy memories from back THEN, too. Instead, I consider my skinny summer The Lost Summer. Because all those reduced calories and bad feelings have definitely impacted my memory.

Now, I'm not saying you can't be skinny AND healthy. I'm not saying what is right for me is right for you. But I'm asking each and every one of you to take careful stock of how you feel right now. How you feel from day to day. If you're hungry. You need to eat more. If you're tired and not enjoying exercise, you need to reconsider what you're doing. Just because you find yourself in a routine . . . or with a specific goal that may be unreasonable . . . doesn't mean you can't break out of it.


However difficult it may be, you and you alone have the power to change. Ultimately, this is your life to live. This is your body. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather feel accomplished and strong than fit into a tight, tiny wedding dress.

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