Happy is Within Reach

I got a few things at Wegmans yesterday to tide us over until our next monthly grocery shopping trip. The lines were long for some reason, so I decided to read some headlines on the magazines at the checkouts.

And then I saw this gem:

Of course, I was immediately reminded of the High School Skinny post I did a long time ago.

Drop 43 pounds by Memorial Day? The date on the magazine says May 3.

Belly fat goes first? I didn't think you could target weight-loss.

81 percent fewer cravings in just 48 hours? How was that determined?

Reprogram your metabolism. Uh, huh.

And -- my favorite -- HAPPY IS WITHIN REACH

You know, just randomly thrown in.

Along with SLIM A DOUBLE CHIN

First off, how can anyone, save Biggest Loser contestants (and you know how I feel about that show!), lose 43 pounds in a month? Second, I totally see how this appeals to people. There's so much promise on this page. It makes life seem so simple. Your weight is keeping you down. Making you sad. Making you feel ugly inside and out. See those beautiful movie stars? Well, they sneak charcoal into their smoothies. If you do X, Y, and Z . . . not only will you lose weight, you'll lose LOTS of it and FAST.


Only, I'm sure nobody gets enough close to reaching what these things promise. It got me thinking: How are these publications still on the shelves? Who is buying this crap? My first exposure to these crash and fad diet magazines was in high school when my boyfriend's mother tried the cabbage soup diet. That was nearly 20 years ago, and I know they've been around longer than that.

* * * * * * * *

So many thoughts. All the thoughts. Which brings me to an update on my own weight. I am "stuck" at 145 pounds. No matter what I do. Weight Watchers certainly helped me clean up my act nutritionally, and I thank it for that. But I've decided not to continue my membership for the time being. There's more going on besides what I eat. I am almost certain I won't lose any more until I wean, and that's cool with me, albeit somewhat annoying.

In the meantime, I'm staying active. Wearing my Garmin VivoSmart, and it's working out great. I got 14,000 steps yesterday. I always go back and forth on wearing it all day, and then I realize when I wear it that I truly do feel more motivated to take a quickie walk or just do something to get my body in motion.

I may not lose 43 pounds this month (what a weirdly specific number, no?) . . . but that's not what health and, yeah, HAPPINESS is about. I will admit that I probably think about these matters more than I'd like. But even I understand that happiness isn't achieved in reaching a number on the scale. That's so much deeper. And shame on people who put out a message that says otherwise -- and profit from it, no less.

Rant over! Happy Thursday!

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Thursday Tidbits

Here's a fun + random post, because you guys have said you like these more than other things. Guess what! Me too!

#1: I'm on Snapchat now at neverhomemaker. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Today I'm talking a bit about our latest Aldi haul.

#2: And speaking of Aldi -- did you know they have a new line of baby products?


I picked a couple things up to try the last time I was there. I'll write more about our diapering situation soon, but we do disposables at night and cloth during the day. These diapers work wonderfully, and they're soft. Eloise hasn't had any rashes or issues with them. The wipes work just as well as my other kinds, too. I'm converted, because it's like $4.99 for 50 size one diapers!

#3: Other stuff I'm loving for baby lately:

• Nursing scarf + seat cover
• Zutano fleece booties
• Soft cloth books for playing

#4: I got my volcanic rose leggings, and it's LOVE. They're my favorite yet. Stephen even complimented me on them. Might hop back on to order the broken dream catcher ones sometime soon.

Seriously. $12.

WHAT.


#5: New workout: Kettlebell upper body. I love this one. Simple + effective. I do most of it with my 10-pound kettlebell and I just got a 15-pound kettlebell yesterday. For some of the harder exercises, I use 5-pound dumbbells. I've done this video three times, and I'm already enjoying more toned arms.



#6: And speaking of workouts -- I ran 8 miles last weekend!


I've been running about 20 miles a week at between 8-10 minute pace. I haven't yet signed up for that November 10-miler race, and I might not. What I've learned in my long journey with running is that I don't need a medal to love the sport. In fact, I'd rather run when I want, when I feel like it, for however long I want, and at whatever pace feels good. And often that's slow and short . . . but sometimes it's fast and far.

That's all from me today. Off to finish some freelancing assignments!

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The 20 Pound Difference

For someone who doesn’t weigh myself often, I sure bring up those numbers a lot. I’ve had more doctor appointments than I can count related to this whole TTC business, so I’m acutely aware of my weight and fluctuations right now. And I think as much as I try to heal fully from my disordered past with body image and eating, there will always be an element of trouble there. That’s not some admission of weakness, it’s just truth -- and it’s one that a lot of people experience. I’ve accepted that it's how I deal with my feelings and thoughts related to this issue that's the important difference.

I’ve been sitting at 140 pounds for a while now -- seven months. I had been around 130 in the summer and for a few years after having Ada. Closer to 120-125 before getting pregnant. So, in the last four years, I’ve actually gained 20 pounds overall. Two zero. Weight is just a number, after all, but it is still hard for me to see the scale continue to climb.

At 120, I was definitely thin. Not overly so, like when I was down well below 110 in my worst days of my disorder, but I was definitely working at it . . . hard. I’d eat “clean” one hundred percent of the time. I’d run, do yoga, spinning, walk during work breaks, and basically move my body all day long. My metabolism was young and spritely. I had lots of time on my hands. I had a lot of motivation to work out. Racing was my favorite pastime, and I look back on how I was constantly running (literally and figuratively) and feel absolutely exhausted. Irony? I still never felt great about my body.

I had trouble adjusting to my “new normal” of 130 pounds simply because it was this invisible threshold I had crossed in my head. I remember thinking to myself in my early stages of healing that “as long as I stayed below 130,” I’d be OK with myself -- how awful! In other words, I was healed from the physical damage I did to my body in my teens and early 20s -- the binging, the purging, the skipping meals -- but the psychological was still catching up.


I also had trouble because most of my friends (real life and otherwise) seemed to return to their before-baby weights after not terribly long and without herculean effort. Breastfeeding did wonders for many of my friends and family, and I think it made me retain weight. I PRed at races and was eating better than ever, so it didn’t matter. I stuck with it for 17 months and wouldn’t change a thing.

After a while, I gave up the mission of getting myself “back” and was able to accept love my new mama body. I actually did reach this milestone, and it was an amazing accomplishment for me.

Then the TTC struggles began.


It wasn’t bad the first several months of trying, but after the chemical in September and then weird symptoms ever since, I decided to drastically cut back on working out. Honestly? I also felt quite paralyzed and borderline depressed about my new health problems, which is no secret to anyone including myself. The weight came on rather quickly like I hadn’t experienced before. My pants got tighter, and I even exchanged most for the next size up. But overall? There’s not some gigantic difference in how I look or feel.

It’s just that stupid number on the scale . . .

I’ve come to the conclusion that we all go through stuff in life ranging from major to minor. My last year (more like two) has been one for the record books. And our bodies go along for the ride. They’re often a symptom of what we’re experiencing. All I can do is be good to myself at whatever size I’m sporting on any given day. I’m exercising consistently and eating good foods, and my goal right now has nothing to do with shrinking back into a size 4 or shaving minutes off my half marathon PR. I’ll continue to treat my body -- whatever its size -- the right way. I’ll continue to keep my internal chatter positive and encouraging. It’s the best I can do.

Twenty pounds is nothing stacked up against the weight of all the difficult stuff I’ve made it through these last few years. And I know my size and my perception will continue to change and evolve as the years go on and on. It’s keeping my mind running smoothly and feeding and honoring my body that’s important.

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Why I Finally Ditched the Scale

You guys have been telling me for years to stop nitpicking my weight. In theory, I wanted to -- really, I did. I'd go 3-6 months at a time without stepping on a scale. Then, I hop on and get frustrated with the number I saw. It's no wonder I felt this way, especially given my history with an eating disorder. As I look back at posts I've written in the past, I can definitely see where I've defended the many "reasons" why I wanted to keep track of my weight. And some still make sense to me.

Still, it's been over 6 years since I've eliminated or restricted foods as part of my disorder. If I've learned anything from healing, it's that it's a gradual process . . . not a clearcut end. For me, the scale continued to taunt me week after week. Though I wanted nothing to do with being High School Skinny, I'll admit that for a long time I felt great at certain numbers and not-so good at others.

I think about this now especially as I approach the possibility of another pregnancy. I was at a very lean "happy weight" before getting pregnant with Ada. I look back and see how coming off marathon training, eating extremely clean foods on a predictable schedule, and having most of my free time to myself to exercise and otherwise move. It was all totally in my favor.

As a now 30-something, my metabolism has certainly changed -- noticeably, but so has my desire to spend all my free time on my body. I still look (and weigh, at least as of my last physical) pretty much how I did at 6 months postpartum. Over time, the not-getting-back has bothered me less and less. I look back at my quest to return to pre-pregnancy size and cringe. I look and feel totally fine at my current size and shape!

Instead, I like being the Ashley who can easily run 10 miles on a Monday night, not because I'm training for anything, but -- just because. I love being the Ashley who can get equally an amazing endorphin feel from simply walking an hour the next day. The kind of Ashley who can bake a batch of cookies and not count the calories or care if they have some sugar or fat in them. The Ashley who no longer labels food as "good" or "bad" or whatever else. And, yeah. I like being the Ashley who can go about my day without having it influenced by a silly number, whether the scale or size in my jeans.

It took me a REALLY long time to get to this point.

And this isn't to say I don't still have my moments. I have a closet full of clothes that are just a bit too small for me. I'm finally getting rid of them versus holding on hoping I'll someday return to my previous sizes. Lose those last 10 pounds that never stayed off my frame. It does occasionally bug me when I think about how all my healthy living isn't working quite the way it used to. At the same time, it most definitely IS working! I'm capable of so much and continue to smash PRs and keep active.

I just wanted to share because I have reached this new milestone in my healing process, and I'm excited about it. I didn't know if I'd ever get to this point. Yet, here I am!

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Weighing In

After I announced I'd had it with my bad eating habits (yet again!), I really did clean up my act. But not as perfectly as I've done in previous attempts. I think maybe that's why I've been sticking with longer -- at least so far.

Extremes rarely set me up for success.

// FOOD

Basically, I took your advice and started to eat breakfasts that don't contain added sugars (including fruit) so I don't start the cycle of craving it so early in the day. For me, this has meant a lot of eggs and sweet potatoes (well, I guess there's some sweetness), which Ada has gotten in on and now asks for in the morning. I might start making my way down the 12 Recipe-Lite Protein-Packed Breakfasts list. By far, breakfast makes the biggest impact on my day. If I choose the foods that really fuel my day, I feel much more satiated.

I've been eating a hefty bowl of oats mixed with my favorite Greek yogurt chocolate "pudding" for lunch. Some nut butters and seeds and fruit mixed in there too. Or sometimes I'll do a quick hummus wrap or something similar. Several snacks with a good mix of nutrients, tastes, and textures. Nothing too innovative. Whole fruits and veggies. Homemade dips. That sort of stuff.

Dinners have been much less predictable, but I'm mostly just trying to cut the amount of cheese and bread I consume in half. I could eat cheese pizza every single night if I had the choice, but I've been adding heftier toppings of roasted veggies to pizzas and quesadillas, as well as experimenting with some new recipes.

And I still enjoy dessert -- like the banana ice cream sandwiches -- daily. I've been keeping some of my vices as treats for the weekend. So, for example, I love eating white bakery bread. Instead of picking up a loaf during the week for sandwiches -- we'll have something special for Saturday's lunch (like my all-time favorite sandwich in the photo above!).

// MY WEIGHT

I haven't lost any weight, but there's a funny story with that. We bought a digital scale the winter after I had Ada. I jumped on it and figured the higher number I saw was because I had a bit of baby weight still to lose. We packed away our old scale, and I didn't think much of it. Since we're now in the process of trying to move, I uncovered that old scale from its hiding spot and calibrated it for curiosity sake. Though I still weigh the same number on the digital scale that I was complaining about a couple weeks back . . . I only weigh 2-3 more pounds than the analog scale "starting weight" that I recorded pre-baby.

So, honestly -- the actual number doesn't matter so much anymore. It's just interesting to know that breastfeeding didn't necessarily make me hold onto AS much weight as I originally thought and complained about regularly. And that those extra 7-10 pounds might be more like an extra 2-3 from my pre-baby weight.

I don't care if I weigh 130 pounds or 13,000 pounds so long as it's weighted equally.

// MY ENERGY

What I have experienced -- and almost always experience when I eat well -- is increased energy. Extra pounds or not, my biggest daily complaint is usually crazy ups and downs with my energy level. I don't know why I can't get it through my head that I always feel great when I eat well, so it's worth the extra effort. Stephen was sick one day this week and totally dragging in the afternoon, like I usually am, and I remember bounding up the stairs several times asking him "geez, you look zapped! I feel fantastic!"

(Yeah. I'm a jerk!)

The key for me is eating soon after I wake up, drinking lots of water throughout the day, spreading my meals into more frequent snacking, and having foods prepared in advance that are easy to grab and go.

I'm hoping to post with some more details soon, but I'm trying to take care of myself without turning this into a long posting opportunity. If I get caught up in sharing tips too soon, I'll shift my focus away from myself -- and right now, this is all about me.

// THOUGHTS

As you guys know, I need to be careful whenever I make drastic changes to my diet or routine. I often get that comment whenever I post anything about my eating habits -- but I know better than anyone the issues specific to my own situation. These days, my relationship with food and my weight is very different than it was in my disordered days.

It's just hard knowing the sorts of foods that make my body function well and my energy levels stable . . . and then being tempted continually by doughnuts, pizza, and other choices. Since I have struggled in the past, I worked for a long time to be able to accept and really enjoy eating these sorts of foods, but then found myself swinging on the other side of the spectrum with being all too comfortable packing them in!

I'm a work in progress. So, I'll be sure to check in again.

What's your favorite low sugar, high protein breakfast? I need some ideas!

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A Weighty Issue

Miraculously I have lost two pounds since last week. The reason it's a miracle is something you'll see in a minute because if I was going to give myself a grade for exercise and eating healthy this week, I'd get like a D minus. Also: I definitely think there's something to what you guys were saying about time of month and weight with regard to water retention, etc., so I fully expect to waver again.

// A WEIGHTY ISSUE

Not to change the subject too much, but I'm just curious to get your opinion on this issue. I have been sharing bits and pieces of my attempt to lose a little weight, and I've had some seriously split responses to my writing.

• On the one hand, some of you have told me you appreciate my candor and honesty as I look for healthy ways to slim down a bit. 
• On the other, I've received some emails (even from people I know in real life) and comments saying quite the contrary.

I'm puzzled with the negative responses. Those equating caring about my weight with having an eating disorder. Those focusing my "extreme" attention and, well, weight on weight. It's just not that way in my mind -- at all! My clothes were fitting tighter, I've known I've been eating too much bread/cookies/beer and not moving much outside running this winter, so I weighed myself and got the black-and-white result.

(This isn't my photo or my weight.)

Image Source

Another criticism I have received is that I'm generally of a healthy build, so I shouldn't worry or care about how much I weigh. But I seriously disagree. I know from personal experience how quickly a "mere" 7 pounds can turn into 70+ with heart surgeries, diabetes, and a host of other health problems.

My quest (and this isn't just about this time around or any specific time I've tried losing weight) isn't about vanity alone, and I hope you guys understand that.

// WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'd like to know, for example, what you think about weighing yourself. Do you do it regularly? Do you never weigh yourself under any circumstances? I go through period of time -- months to even a year once -- when I haven't used a scale. Not on purpose either way, but we weren't members of a gym and our digital scale's battery died, and I wasn't sick and going to he doctor where I'd otherwise weigh in. (Office scales are notoriously unreliable anyway, right?!) 

But I also don't see anything wrong with occasional weigh-ins -- once a week or even monthly. That being said, we all know that the number on the display isn't the best indicator of health anyway, so it should never be used solely to measure up. It's just a tool -- along with many others.

Overall, I try to value all opinions, even if they aren't according with my own. So, these criticisms are valid and I want you guys to know that sharing my experience isn't meant to trigger or upset anyone. If I had an obsession with losing those 7 pounds I seem to "dwell" on, I would probably easily have lost them already.

Whatever the weight. I'm feeling good!


// MOVE MORE

This week I've stalled out on my activity. I had trained through the polar vortex, through the ice and snow, and now that it's March? I'm totally burned out. All that dedication came at a price, so I'm taking this week really easy -- which is fine because we have a 4-mile race on Saturday. I hate to sound like a broken record about the weather, but it's really starting to get to me. I even thought about joining an inexpensive gym (some are just $10 a month), but Stephen pointed out it HAS to get warmer soon, so I held off.

// DRINK LESS

Didn't do too great with my beverages this week. It was Stephen's birthday, so I definitely indulged in more beers and Moscow Mules than I usually do. What's good is that I'm drinking more water with all those indulgences.

// CHALLENGE MY BODY

Nope. See "Move More" above. I could be upset with myself for taking it easy, but at the same time, I'm over 8 weeks away from my half marathon and haven't missed more than a couple workouts total -- and that includes several weeks of pre-training in January. Sometimes rest is GOOD this far ahead of the game. After some days of easy running, I think my mind will be back in the game again.

// ADD MORE VEGGIES

We ate like healthy kings last week! Lots of veggie-loaded quesadillas, slow cooker stews, veggie burgers, etc. I've also started hard boiling eggs at the beginning of the week for some easy grab-n-go protein (or for making Avocado Egg Salad sandwiches at lunch). I think the best part about this week, and possibly where I did lose some weight, was with my diet. I'm enjoying so many more veggies because I've just added them in wherever possible!

// SKIP DESSERT (ON OCCASION)

I ate half a birthday cake this weekend (it was a small one, in my defense). Otherwise, I haven't been keeping as many baking supplies at home, so doing better with desserts. I might stop buying sugar for a while and only use maple syup, honey, and other natural sweeteners. I've stopped buying white or even white-whole wheat flour and now use entirely whole wheat and oat flour. Our pizzas aren't as stretchy, but it's healthier.

// WEAR REAL CLOTHES

Of course I'm typing this as I wear a pair of Stephen's pajamas, but I've been dressing up even more than usual. I packed away half my closet recently because we're planning to put our house on the market -- so I only have around 25 pieces of clothing (not including exercise and lounge stuff), but it's actually made it much easier to dress. Still, my clothes are tighter than usual, which is frustrating. Maybe that's why I tend to wear Stephen's clothing to augment my own closet!

// WRITE IT DOWN

I did keep a paper log for like two days of what I was eating, but honestly it was making me feel obsessive. I think this method can work of a lot of people, but with an eating disorder in my past, anything that involves tracking food just gets me thinking about it way too much during the day. I would like to strike a balance because there's a huge difference between obsessing and just being aware of what I'm putting into my body (which admittedly isn't always the best food -- so I'd like to identify if there are patterns there).

How are your diet/fitness goals going?

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Pinning Some Blame on Spinning

So, I gained back that pound I had lost last week. But, honestly -- with everything that was going on with Ada, I wasn't trying very hard to whittle down. In fact, I definitely ate one of those frosting-filled sandwich cookies in pure jubilation Tuesday afternoon. Sometimes we need that stuff. Or at least I'm still in a place where I am using food to celebrate, perhaps more than I should.

Some great news: I got in an amazing long run after that conflicted hot yoga class that took me out for a couple days -- so I was feeling great on the fitness spectrum, extra 7 pounds on my frame or not. 10 weeks till the half marathon! My 1:40-ish goals seems somewhat in reach.

Maybe. Possibly?

I can't believe I didn't think about this until last night. I only recently started weighing myself after a long hiatus. And, yes, I weigh a bit more, my pants are definitely tighter, which is why I weighed myself in the first place. So, let's think. What -- if anything -- has changed about my health + fitness regimen in the last several months?

Regular indoor cycling! (Here's details + tricks for how I do it at home.)

I'm taking part in an actual coached half marathon plan for my May race, and there's an emphasis on XT that I haven't really taken on before as seriously as I am now. I gladly saddle up on the bike to get in 45 minutes to an hour of 150-160 BMP type riding once a week because, in my experience, it actually helps me run faster. And I've even added a few 30-minute sessions every now and again for good measure/extra activity in these cold winter months.

This photo is ancient.

2010 ancient.


You may have seen last month's news from Gwyneth Paltrow's trainer about how cycling is making us fat. It's misleading, though, because she's mostly saying that all cardio and no solid resistance training (weights, kettlebells, etc.) can be a recipe for stalling out. And that "fat" is most likely bulk in the legs/thighs due to added, awesome muscle (because spinning DOES provide resistance that running does not).

ETA -- clarification, I in NO WAY agree with the person interviewed that muscle bulk is fat or bad or anything negative. I was actually surprised to see it described this way, and somewhat outraged.

So maybe that's IT. Or at least part of IT.

The "struggle" that is really just irksome more than anything else, but I'll take muscle weight, that's cool. You guys have had such thoughtful comments about this latest quest of mine to "get back" to a certain weight, and I think it's understandable that some of you are frustrated/concerned that I care at all about the number on the scale. Honestly, I'm not fixated as much as it may seem, but writing things down in a blog can sure make it seem that way.

I focus on weight, the silly number, because it's an easy, quantifiable ways to gauge what's going on. I may find out in the end that I just can't get down to what I weighed before I had Ada. In which case, all these small tweaks and dietary modifications will be purely for my health -- and I'm cool with that. Mostly, I've been on a diet of pizza and beer, and it's a small way I can work toward eating better and feeling better.

Still, I do think checking weight can serve a purpose, at least from time to time. As someone with an eating disorder in her past, I certainly try to keep these methods to a minimum. Which is one reason I don't do calorie counting. I don't want to get High School Skinny or anything like that.


// MOVE MORE

Between running 4-5 days a week, cycling 1-2 days a week, and doing some yoga -- I think exercise is going well. We finally bought a kettlebell, so I'd like to start doing 1-2 days a week of a 30 or so minute workout with it to supplement, along with getting back into my bodyweight strength routine.

// DRINK LESS

I haven't had beer or wine during the week, and I'm feeling really good about it. In the winter, I tend to forget to drink as much water, so I'm usually operating on a small level of dehydration, which alcohol just exacerbates. So, I've been waking up in the morning feeling much clearer-headed. I love that feeling. I still need my nice, tall dark beer on the weekend, and I'm looking forward to celebrating Stephen's 30th on Saturday!

// CHALLENGE MY BODY

Thankfully the snow has melted, so I'm going to be able to get in a solid fartlek and hill workout this week. My long run showed me that all those weeks of slugging along in the snow weren't for nothing. I've still retained my usual pace and may have even become a stronger runner through my hardcore outdoor running attempts in slush.

// ADD MORE VEGGIES

I showed you guys a glimpse into some of the cheap foods we eat in winter this week -- and beyond that, I've been eating lots of veggies. I have a great recipe I'm hoping to share tomorrow that involves a bunch of roasted veggies in a burger . . . with enough extra the next night or two to make quesadillas and even soup!

// SKIP DESSERT (ON OCCASION)

I found an 85% dark chocolate that I love, and I've been sticking with a bar or two of that versus lots of baked goods for the last couple weeks. It's satisfying and I'm also getting all those awesome benefits of chocolate -- of which there are many.

// WEAR REAL CLOTHES

With recording all those fun videos for my new YouTube channel, I've been putting on more makeup and dressing up more. It's sort of an added benefit of the whole thing, which is great! I'll take it.

// WRITE IT DOWN

Nope. I didn't write anything down this week. But you guys have told me that even a simple paper account of my eating/exercise will show me little areas for improvement and opportunity. So, I'm going to try to get on that soon.

Alright. Check-in time! 

How are your diet/fitness goals going?

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A Body In Motion

I haven't weighed myself since, well, I don't know when. It's not that I'm terribly concerned with a specific number on the scale, however -- when I notice my favorite clothes (and many of the rest) don't fit well anymore, I like to know what the damage is. So, I went out and purchased a fresh battery, popped it in my scale, and weighed myself last night.

I wasn't shocked.
I wasn't terribly disappointed or frantic.
I was, instead, informed.

I am a solid 7 pounds up since the last I knew my weight over six (?) months ago. This winter has been tough, there's no denying it, and despite getting in a good number of outdoor runs, I haven't been as active as I'd like. What this new number shows me is that a body out of regular, daily motion tends to hibernate and eat lots of carb-and-sugar heavy foods to stay warm when the temperatures dip well below zero.

(And this is just what's hanging around. We're getting another 6-10 inches today!)

OK. Let's make that whole last statement less passive, I take full responsibility.

What now? I hesitate to write/blog about weight loss, since it's a somewhat touchy subject to put out there in black and white. It's also something I don't have a lot of experience with, since my activity used to completely wash away my bad eating habits. Turning 30 has definitely impacted my metabolism, but -- more -- my habits are drastically different than they were even three years ago.

See what I mean?

• Working from home means less walking around. I used to walk during lunch breaks or at very minimum during breaks. I also had to walk 1/4 to 1/2 mile to/from my car each day -- all on top of my regular running schedule. Several miles of walking each day that I no longer do.
• Whereas I used to pack semi-healthy lunches and even breakfasts, I now have my entire refrigerator and pantry shelves at my disposal all day long. I can whip up anything my imagination can dream up at a moment's notice.
• We quit our gym, which means I haven't had access to weights and classes I might regularly tack onto my running routine. Having a structured environment for this sort of stuff makes it easier to stick with, along with the guilt of spending the money and not going. I still get regularly cross-training via our spinning bike, but I've become lazy with regard to my push-ups, etc.
• My priorities have shifted along with my new role as a mom (it isn't inevitable -- there are plenty of awesome #motherruners, but I've allowed in for the sake of better balance). My training is still important, but definitely isn't foremost in my mind anymore. If life takes over, I skip my workouts much more willingly than I did in the past. 
• I also used to have way more time to think about myself -- my appearance, my body, my running, etc. -- I simply don't spend the same amount of mental hours thinking about, well, me anymore. I think this is a good thing, but I can also see how I need to invest more in myself versus always in others.

So, being completely honest with myself, I can see why I might weigh more now versus then. And I do have some motivation/reason to trim down a bit, as I look in the next six months or so to get pregnant again. I'd like to be at my fighting weight, which I think sounds a bit incredibly ridiculous and, well, possibly vain -- but I'd argue what woman doesn't feel this way, at least on some level?

And instead of going crazy working out (too much), etc, during pregnancy -- I'd rather take a preemptive attack now and nurture myself when the time comes.


First thing is first (image source): I won't be going on a diet. But there are certainly some obvious areas of my eating and exercise that I can easily swap or modify that I think might help. Here are some ways I'm hoping to change my habits that don't involve calorie counting or traditional diet methods.

// MOVE MORE

Not just running, but taking walks or finding excuses to move my body beyond training. I'd like to make a goal to even just move 30 minutes to an hour more a day than I do now. I started a couple days ago with a moderate pace spinning bike "ride" while Ada ate her breakfast. The weather is still pretty cold and snowy to be dragging Ada out for walks, but I know it will warm soon.

// DRINK LESS

It's not just my nightly beer that might be keeping me more on the bloated side. I have landslided into caloric beverage territory this winter. Hot chocolate, countless homemade chai lattes, "natural" sodas (I love me some Ginger Brew!), fresh juices, and -- yes -- beer. I'd like to reserve these drinks for weekends or special occasions, not indulge every single day or, in some cases, multiple times a day. Obviously, I would like to drink more water and I absolutely love sparkling water, so hopefully that will quell my fizz craving. (Have you guys tried Poland Spring's Raspberry-Lime? Yum.)

// CHALLENGE MY BODY

A lot of slow miles dragging along in the snow? It shows dedication, that's for sure. I'm doing well with my running and I'm sticking to my plan. Thankfully, my half marathon workouts are kicking up a notch this week with more speed and hill work, and my body is feeling it! I need to do more fartleks, speed sessions and things that challenge versus maintain my fitness levels. Along with running, I need to really incorporate my upper-body and strength training. We bought a 30-pound kettlebell, so I'd like to do a workout maybe twice or 3x/week -- that should do the trick. 

// ADD MORE VEGGIES

I like to approach eating with what I can add versus take away. I do eat a lot of vegetables and fruits now, but not enough, admittedly. I'd like my veggies to take up half my plate, not a quarter or third. And I think protein is another focus area. We've been eating a lot of veggie-topped pizzas, which definitely feature a lot of bread and cheese. So, meal planning will definitely be at play here. I think the slow cooker will also be helpful. Eating more protein for breakfast should start the day off right, too.

// SKIP DESSERT (ON OCCASION)

Along with drinking lots of calories, I've also got into the habit of eating dessert(s x 1,000) every single day. I recently wrote an article about the health benefits of chocolate (it's not out yet, but it's a good one -- and I'll share ASAP!). But most of the benefits can be taken in with a couple small squares of dark chocolate, not an entire batch of cookies or pan of brownies. As with drinks, I'd like to save full-on desserts for special occasions and weekends and the rest of the time snack on a couple pieces of dark chocolate.

// WEAR REAL CLOTHES

Yes. An undeniable luxury of working from home is that I can wear yoga pants or leggings every single day if I want to. While it's been super comfortable and great, it's also not working out so well for me. How my clothes fit is how I usually monitor my "weight" or -- rather -- my habits. I need to bust out the real pants on most days, not only to take pride in my appearance, but also so I don't become scale-dependent.

// WRITE IT DOWN

I'm putting out my intentions not for judgement or review, but -- selfishly -- because I think it will help me stick to my plan. I also think writing about it from time to time in a personal journal (and even a bit on here) will give me that mental space to think about myself and my goals.

After all, this isn't so much about losing 7 pounds as it is waking up and seeing that a lot of my habits have just changed and could be better. I'll excited to see what these seemingly easy changes/swaps do. Again, I don't care so much about the actual number on the scale, but I'd like to fit back into my pants because I know it's not all new muscle down there!

I feel good putting this all out there.

Thanks for reading + stay tuned!

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The Meal Diaries

Wow it's taken me a long time to discover MyFitnessPal. You guys have mentioned it from time to time + my mother-in-law uses it everyday. So, I decided to make an account last week. I'm not really on a diet, but I could definitely focus on what I'm eating better. I'm sure you can tell I go through periods of caring a TON about what I eat and then abruptly dropping it.

I think that's only normal, no?

I'm only a couple days in, but for those of you who are interested -- I feel like I'm learning a lot from using this thing! I've even downloaded the (free) app onto our iPad. I feel like this is starting to sound like an advertisement, but -- nope -- I'm just learning the ropes and pretty happy with what I'm discovering so far.

I don't love tallying up my calories, so I'm trying my best to just eat when I'm hungry and choose foods wisely (carrots/hummus versus Snickers bar). Looking at the things I eat -- right there on the screen -- certainly brings some glaring dietary mistakes to my attention.

It's making me, uh, accountable! Yes!

Like sugar. Oh, my struggles with sugar. I almost always reach my daily allotment before dinner even rolls around with all the fruit and juice and smoothies. Didn't really think of all those "healthy" snacks in that way -- but I should try to balance out with more veggies. Salt, too. I need to stop cooking with so much salt. And when I check out my percentages, I'm heavy on the carbs and fats end. They're surely convenient and tasty, and apparently that's how I roll.

I'm still carrying around an extra 5 pounds of weight after pregnancy. Or maybe by now I can't even blame pregnancy. Laziness with my diet. So, I'm hoping by logging my foods and being more aware of, say, spoonfuls of Nutella + their impact on staying steady or possibly getting back to where I was previously. Yeah. By logging this stuff, I'm hoping some of it will sort out on its own.

Which brings me to a question for those of you who use this, or a similar, method to help keep yourselves on track. If you're athletic, how do you determine your daily caloric requirements? I'm in this weird in-between stage. No longer nursing, I think my needs are less than they were a month or so ago. But with a new half marathon training cycle on the horizon, I want to make sure I'm fueling my workouts properly.


Food = energy = kick-ass speed sessions = new PRs. I guess that's where I get a little frustrated with MyFitnessPal. I don't really feel like I can adequately track my activity. It's good, but clunky + still has its limitations. So any tips on how to maximize the functionality in that regard would be really helpful.

And I guess the other beef I have with it is tracking success by using weight as the barometer. I've started doing a lot of kettlebells + squats. And I plan to delve into some more strength training soon. So, weight -- at least for me -- doesn't really seem like it will tell me much. I wish there were other goals you could choose. Maybe there are and I just haven't found them yet?

Do you keep a food diary? Or are you interested in starting one? I think it can be an excellent thing to try out for a while . . . and some people even benefit from doing it for, well, life. I'd love to hear your thoughts!

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Postpartum Fitness Challenge: Month 3

I guess you could say I slacked this month on my fitness challenge (check out month 1 and month 2). Yet in other ways, I did a lot. Our half marathon is on Sunday, so the main focus the past several weeks has been on getting my long run distance up. I struggled with it -- A LOT -- mostly with finding motivation to run for nearly 2 hours when I could be eating a fantastic brunch and hanging out with Stephen and Ada.

My most recent long run was a practice half. Not with regard to speed, though. Just with not stopping home for supplies/etc.

The wind was absolutely wicked that day. Stephen said it slowed him down a good bit, too. I think I would have had more consistent mile paces between 8:50 and 9:00 otherwise. Even if not, I could bomb this weekend's half terribly and still know I could complete one in under 2 hours, which is my goal. Another goal: No stops at Porta-Johns along the way.

Last year, below, I stopped at almost all of them!


Here are last month's stats. And here's this month's:

Pushups: 45 (no change, but I didn't really push myself past this mark)
Chinups: Still 1 (same as above, I just didn't focus on upper-body this month)
Situps: 33 (up from 30 last month! w00t!)
Mile Time: ??? (Waiting on this one until after this weekend's half marathon)

My goals for the coming month with running revolve around speedwork. I've always done some sort of (very, very, very) loose speedwork, but noting in the recent past that actually challenged me to the point of improving dramatically. I did my first-time-in-a-long-time formal speedwork session last Tuesday -- eight 400s, two miles total, at 6:48 (mile) pace with 2 min rest between each repeat. Kicked my BUTT. But I know if I stick with them, I could get closer to my old race times, which would be great!

I also haven't gotten in any double workouts lately. This one has decided she HATES the BOB. Or being in strollers, in general.


Otherwise, a big focus -- as you already know -- has been on my diet. After Easter, my sugar consumption got farther out of control than it already was. As a result, I only lost one pound this month. Nothing like last month's 4 pounds. But there is encouraging news to this part! At Christmas, we had invested in a fancy digital scale. Before that, I had always weighed myself on an old-school one that was consistent, but needed to be calibrated each time. So, I pulled out that old one again this week. And I found that I'm really only 3 pounds above my pre-pregnancy weight, not the 6 or so I thought I was.

This puts me at 130 on the digital scale and 127 on the old one. (No photos this month -- there isn't any change.) I don't really care what the a.c.t.u.a.l number is, but to know I'm closer than I thought to my pre-pregnancy weight, which will be 127 on our new scale, has me thrilled. I definitely think by 9 months postpartum, I'll be back -- and that's what my midwife told me is a healthy rate at which to lose the weight.

Overall, I am feeling good about my activity level. I'm excited to start training seriously again after this weekend's half marathon. The sugar stuff is coming along slowly, and I still have a lot of trouble entirely eliminating it from my diet. I'll write more on that another time.

Here's to a great half marathon this weekend! What are you up to? Any races or other adventures planned?

And if you follow Writing Chapter Three, you can check out yesterday's video post full of questions and answers from our readers.

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Before Health: My Idea of “Healthy” as a Child

What I haven’t really delved into much on the blog is my personal health story. Yes. I’ve given you snippets here and there. I’ve told you about how I hated running as a 17-year-old. I’ve shared with you some of my stories about how running has changed my life. I’ve shared that I was once somewhat obsessed with working out to an unhealthy degree. I’ve hinted at having unhealthy eating habits in my past. I’ve shared with you the lessons I've learned and the the wisdom I’ve gained through my struggles and triumphs.

I’m going to put everything together in a series of posts over the next couple weeks. I’ve thought of the different ways I could organize my Healthy Life Timeline, and here’s what I’ve come up with:

• Before Health: My Idea of "Healthy" as a Child
• Running: What Changed Everything
• Finding My Way: Struggles and Successes
• What Changed Everything . . . Again
• Healthy Ashley (Not THE Healthy Ashley, though she’s lovely -- but ME)
• The Future

My Idea of "Healthy" as a Child and Young Adult

It's easy to share my story now because it's all behind me. But it's this part of my Healthy Life (or not-so healthy, really) that has impacted just about everything that makes me who I am today. Including this blog. Yup. Everything you're about to read has a huge part in all the posts, recipes, and fitness advice I give.

When I was younger—we’re talking like 12-years-old younger—I equated health almost 100 percent with how much people weigh. If someone was heavier, I assumed they were the least healthy. Skinnier? The most healthy. Though I was a dancer (I took tap, ballet, jazz, and acro/gymnastics), I didn’t think of myself as an athlete. I didn’t think about the link between activity and health that much at all. All I cared about was how I looked and how others thought of me.

Then I tried out and made the cheerleading squad in 7th grade (people who know me laugh about this – Ashley, a cheerleader? Seriously?), and my feelings turned into more of an obsession. I was constantly comparing myself to others. Worrying about my too-big hips, thighs, butt, too-small chest, and general lack of cheerleader hot-ness. Looking back, I have no idea what I was thinking. I was always a thinner girl. At the beginning of 7th grade, I was around 5 foot 4 (didn’t hit my final growth spurt yet) and maybe 95 pounds. Actually, I don’t even remember my exact weight. But I DO remember I wore a size 12 (in the kid’s section, people).

Anyway, some of my friends would skip breakfast. Some would skip lunch. I experimented with this diet method, too. I remember sitting in my reading class, listening to my stomach’s fierce and angry growl. I was so terribly hungry. I’d inevitably binge on some kind of Little Debbie snack before afternoon classes started . . . and then be totally zonked out for practice and games.

It was a vicious cycle fueled entirely by my distorted body image.


Because I was small, I got to be the one thrown at the top of different stunts, pyramids, etc. And I liked that quite a bit. The leo in me liked all that attention. The gymnast and dancer in me liked the challenge. If I got heavier, I’d have to be a base. And I didn’t want that, I had worked too hard. 7th grade is really a blur, but I "became a woman" that year. I grew almost 3 inches. I stayed slim but didn’t escape my view of myself. Without glossing over too much, eventually, my interests changed and I gravitated more towards music. I quit cheerleading in 8th grade and started eating a vegetarian diet (because I always hated meat). For whatever reason, it helped me eat better. A bit more healthfully.

OK. It helped me eat . . . period! Ever since I can remember, I've been vegetarian. Even as a baby, it'd spit out my Gerber meat.


As the years passed until my graduation from high school, I struggled with my body image despite my diet change. I had completely retired from all activity and devoted myself to singing, playing instruments, and performing. Though I ate, I didn’t eat the best foods. A lot of chips, ice cream, sodas, pizza. Basically everything I try to avoid now. And I would go through periods of binging, purging, and starving myself. It’s shocking to think about . . . and quite honestly hard to admit . . . but I know now that it was tightly linked to my emotional state. High school kids deal with so much: Rigorous coursework, boyfriends/girlfriends, peer pressure, college admissions and SAT pressure, extracurriculars, friend spats . . . and often these stressors manifest themselves physically.

I was definitely not immune.


I started to get the link between fitness and health when I had to run The Mile my senior year. I was so horribly out of shape. So unhealthy from my eating habits and lack of physical exercise. My head was buzzing most of the day from my lack of calories -- I felt lightheaded and blacked out whenever I’d stand up. After The Mile, I started to see that being skinny didn’t equal healthy. Especially with how I felt. I was tiny -- even my parents were starting to notice. I weighed less than 105 pounds. My skin was dull. I had bags under my eyes. I had absolutely no energy.

This was no way for a young woman to feel.


At my high school graduation, I weighed the least I have weighed my entire "adult" life. My white graduation dress under that big robe was a tiny size 0. And I remember feeling fat in it. I also passed on the opportunity to get ice cream after the event. It's funny the things you remember.

I continued struggling through my first year of college (all those same pressures, just amplified by being away from home for the first time and eating a diet mostly made up of pizza, tequila, and other junk foods), mostly eating a lot of crap because I worked in one of the dining halls on campus.


I gained at least 10 to 15 pounds that year (I kept loose track, but didn't have a scale). I remember feeling so ashamed looking at myself in the mirror. Not from the weight as much, I knew I needed to gain some weight, but because I just looked unhealthy. My face was puffy, my eyes were bloodshot. I didn’t get enough rest. I hardly drank water or ate vegetables. Technically, I weighed what I should weigh, right around 125. But at that point, being a "healthy" weight didn’t mean being healthy either.

Something had to change.


So, at the beginning of my second semester, I signed up for a yoga class because I thought it would be cool. Looking back, I remember my legs feeling like jelly when I did the warrior poses. Though I had tremendous flexibility from all my years of dance, I couldn’t relax one bit because yoga took strength. Yoga took energy that my bad habits didn't allow me to store. But I admired the girls in my class. Their feet were firmly planted in the ground. They could hold headstands for more than a fleeting second. They were healthy girls. I started going to the gym around this time, too. I started with 10 to 15 minute breath-less sessions on the elliptical. A few jaunts on the treadmill. Exercise definitely felt like work. And work I’d rather not do. I couldn’t keep up my workouts because my heart wasn’t in them.

I continued with my yoga practice. Went to the gym when I could . . . blasted music in my CD player (yeah, you younger girls -- we used to have clunky CD players strapped to ourselves back then!). My diet slowly shifted toward veganism. At first, quite admittedly, it was mostly because it seemed to be the thing everyone was doing. You see, I was also in the environmental group on campus. And Ithaca College is situated in a town (Ithaca) that is hyper vegan-friendly. I even moved to a vegetarian/vegan co-op during the summer after my freshman year. So, my diet changed. And what started as something I did -- at first -- to fit in became a lasting passion. Through eating vegan foods, I discovered my love for cooking and baking. I started substituting ingredients to make recipes healthier. The healthier I made my foods, the more I wanted to eat.

Yup. I had fallen in love with healthy food. And it was also during this summer that I fell in love with running. But that’s a story for another day . . .

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Calorie Counting: How We See It

QUESTION: "Have ever considered posting the nutritional information and calorie counts along with your recipes? Or is that too much of a pain in the butt?"

1, 2, 3, 4 . . . We've received this very same question in various forms over the past couple months. I just got another email requesting calorie counts for our newest (never home)maker favorite, the vegan chocolate banana cake, so I decided to post why I'm not planning to provide them.

Really, I promise you it isn't my own laziness. However, one reason is that -- like stated above -- it's kind of a pain to do the math. There are various online calculators that will figure it all out for you, like Spark Recipes, but it's still relatively time consuming to look up each ingredient. I'd rather spend my time in the kitchen . . . because (and as Stephen will surely tell you) I already spend way too much time on my computer at work and at home.

But my primary reason for not providing this information is more personal. I can get rather caught up in calculating calories consumed/calories burned/etc. I was in this mindset for most of my teen years and into my early 20s. For me, I don't consider obsessive calorie counting a productive and healthy way to live my food-life. Though, I know for many others, calorie counting and point systems (like Weight Watchers) are effective and useful tools for weightloss and maintenance.

And if that's for you, that's awesome. But for those of you who are kept up late at night trying to remember if you ate that extra tablespoon of peanut butter (what's that, 180 calories???), you might want to read these other techniques I use to keep my consumption in check. It's more of a calorie awareness. And it's pretty much common sense. (Also: Sorry if you've heard them all before.)


1.) I eat breakfast. Every day. Whenever I skip a day (rarely), I certainly notice because I'm starving and pinching nickles together for a trip to the vending machine. But many of you might have trouble eating early in the morning. I get that. Here's a tip I read last night in Natural Health: A warm breakfast -- oatmeal, for example -- is easier for your digestive system to process. So before you swear off eating breakfast, try it. And if it's just a matter of not having enough time, try this easy "instant oatmeal" recipe.

If you're a more advanced breakfast eater, you might consider green smoothies. They're a fantastically easy way to get in a nice chunk of your greens for the day.


2.) I pay attention to portion size. No, I don't carry around a ruler or have all those guidelines (serving of protein the size of a deck of cards?) memorized. But I do try to keep everything modest on my first go. I've gone on record proudly stating that I can down an entire large cheese pizza. And, really, if it came down to it, I can. And I have. But do I make it a habit? No. Instead, I eat two pieces of that pizza. Save the gross amounts for my next career as a professional eater.

If you have trouble with portion sizes, just start small. You can always add more later if you're still hungry. But the extra step of getting up to grab more will give you and your stomach a chance to discuss the issue.


3.) I eat whole grains and whole foods whenever possible. Refined stuff (white bread, white bagels, white rice, candy bars, etc.) simply doesn't keep you full. It's all in the sugars and how they make your insulin spike . . . then drop extremely low . . . then leave you craving more. If you keep yourself stuffed with whole grains (whole wheat, brown rice, steel-cut oats, etc.) and whole fruits and veggies, you'll maintain even levels of insulin. And you'll find yourself fuller for a longer period of time.


4.) I try to get in my protein. The average adult needs 0.6 - 0.8 grams of protein for every kilogram (2.2 lbs.) of body weight. For me, that's 39 grams! (What about you? Click here to find out.) Definitely a difficult feat for this vegan-slanted vegetarian. But I make sure to try to include a handful of nuts, a heaping tablespoon of natural peanut butter, a can of black beans, a block of tofu, and a number of other veggie-friendly protein-rich foods into my diet.

Again, I don't count the grams . . . but I do keep in mind that protein means power. After all, proteins are the building blocks of the body!


5.) I eat throughout the day. Mini meals. Spaced at relatively equal intervals. Goes along with keeping your blood sugar stable. And if you're eating fruits, veggies, and other non-refined stuff, you need not feel guilty stuffing yourself (in moderation) with food all day. You'll feel happier. And you won't find yourself scrounging around looking for whatever food is close by. (Like office birthday party cake? Even though you absolutely HATE white cake? And, oops, just ate two pieces? Ack!)


6.) I treat myself. Perhaps too much if you read this blog. But I'm happy to report that even with all my indulgences, I've maintained my healthy weight without much difficulty. Thanks to a good diet/exercise balance. Enough sleep at night. And a daily dose of chocolate-peanut butter. I've tried keeping myself to ONE treat per ONE day. But just knowing that I'm limiting myself sets me up for failure. What I do now is have whatever treat I'm planning to have (maybe a double chocolate chip and walnut cookie) . . . and then if I find myself reaching for another one, I take a moment to ask myself if I'm actually hungry or just mindlessly consuming. 50 percent of the time I'm actually still hungry. The other half, just eating to eat.


7.) I sneak in "bad" stuff with the good. Whenever possible, I try to make healthy foods that are derived from their unhealthy counterparts. You can probably recall some examples from our posts. Like the gluten-free "Nutella" balls. The cocoa-ful powerhouse smoothie that -- to me -- tastes like a chocolate milkshake with enough cocoa powder in it. Etc. Make a list of foods you love and adapt them to be healthier. And I'll keep trying to come up with alternatives myself.


8.) I listen to my body. If I'm not feeling well -- sluggish, sick, or just plain bloated -- I think about what I'm eating. Over the holidays, this meant I needed to cut out all the white sugar I was dusting my x-mas cookies in. And when I eat too much dairy, I tend to feel tired. If you take time to listen to how you're feeling . . . and then think about what you're eating . . . you might start to see patterns. Instead of calorie counting, try making a loose food diary on days you're not feeling well. That way, you can get those patterns in writing and make healthy adjustments for yourself.

Which leads me to my question to all of you. What are you ways of keeping your eating in check? Do you calorie count? If so, what tools do you find helful? If you're a caloriecounteraphobe like me, what do you do? And do you have any "bad" recipes you'd like to see us turn healthy?

The way we see it, food should be fun -- so leave the counting to Feist. Food is meant to fuel your life so you're happy, fit, and productive. We'd love to know what you think! Just leave a comment or email us at neverhomemaker@gmail.com.

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