The 20 Pound Difference

For someone who doesn’t weigh myself often, I sure bring up those numbers a lot. I’ve had more doctor appointments than I can count related to this whole TTC business, so I’m acutely aware of my weight and fluctuations right now. And I think as much as I try to heal fully from my disordered past with body image and eating, there will always be an element of trouble there. That’s not some admission of weakness, it’s just truth -- and it’s one that a lot of people experience. I’ve accepted that it's how I deal with my feelings and thoughts related to this issue that's the important difference.

I’ve been sitting at 140 pounds for a while now -- seven months. I had been around 130 in the summer and for a few years after having Ada. Closer to 120-125 before getting pregnant. So, in the last four years, I’ve actually gained 20 pounds overall. Two zero. Weight is just a number, after all, but it is still hard for me to see the scale continue to climb.

At 120, I was definitely thin. Not overly so, like when I was down well below 110 in my worst days of my disorder, but I was definitely working at it . . . hard. I’d eat “clean” one hundred percent of the time. I’d run, do yoga, spinning, walk during work breaks, and basically move my body all day long. My metabolism was young and spritely. I had lots of time on my hands. I had a lot of motivation to work out. Racing was my favorite pastime, and I look back on how I was constantly running (literally and figuratively) and feel absolutely exhausted. Irony? I still never felt great about my body.

I had trouble adjusting to my “new normal” of 130 pounds simply because it was this invisible threshold I had crossed in my head. I remember thinking to myself in my early stages of healing that “as long as I stayed below 130,” I’d be OK with myself -- how awful! In other words, I was healed from the physical damage I did to my body in my teens and early 20s -- the binging, the purging, the skipping meals -- but the psychological was still catching up.


I also had trouble because most of my friends (real life and otherwise) seemed to return to their before-baby weights after not terribly long and without herculean effort. Breastfeeding did wonders for many of my friends and family, and I think it made me retain weight. I PRed at races and was eating better than ever, so it didn’t matter. I stuck with it for 17 months and wouldn’t change a thing.

After a while, I gave up the mission of getting myself “back” and was able to accept love my new mama body. I actually did reach this milestone, and it was an amazing accomplishment for me.

Then the TTC struggles began.


It wasn’t bad the first several months of trying, but after the chemical in September and then weird symptoms ever since, I decided to drastically cut back on working out. Honestly? I also felt quite paralyzed and borderline depressed about my new health problems, which is no secret to anyone including myself. The weight came on rather quickly like I hadn’t experienced before. My pants got tighter, and I even exchanged most for the next size up. But overall? There’s not some gigantic difference in how I look or feel.

It’s just that stupid number on the scale . . .

I’ve come to the conclusion that we all go through stuff in life ranging from major to minor. My last year (more like two) has been one for the record books. And our bodies go along for the ride. They’re often a symptom of what we’re experiencing. All I can do is be good to myself at whatever size I’m sporting on any given day. I’m exercising consistently and eating good foods, and my goal right now has nothing to do with shrinking back into a size 4 or shaving minutes off my half marathon PR. I’ll continue to treat my body -- whatever its size -- the right way. I’ll continue to keep my internal chatter positive and encouraging. It’s the best I can do.

Twenty pounds is nothing stacked up against the weight of all the difficult stuff I’ve made it through these last few years. And I know my size and my perception will continue to change and evolve as the years go on and on. It’s keeping my mind running smoothly and feeding and honoring my body that’s important.

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Why I Finally Ditched the Scale

You guys have been telling me for years to stop nitpicking my weight. In theory, I wanted to -- really, I did. I'd go 3-6 months at a time without stepping on a scale. Then, I hop on and get frustrated with the number I saw. It's no wonder I felt this way, especially given my history with an eating disorder. As I look back at posts I've written in the past, I can definitely see where I've defended the many "reasons" why I wanted to keep track of my weight. And some still make sense to me.

Still, it's been over 6 years since I've eliminated or restricted foods as part of my disorder. If I've learned anything from healing, it's that it's a gradual process . . . not a clearcut end. For me, the scale continued to taunt me week after week. Though I wanted nothing to do with being High School Skinny, I'll admit that for a long time I felt great at certain numbers and not-so good at others.

I think about this now especially as I approach the possibility of another pregnancy. I was at a very lean "happy weight" before getting pregnant with Ada. I look back and see how coming off marathon training, eating extremely clean foods on a predictable schedule, and having most of my free time to myself to exercise and otherwise move. It was all totally in my favor.

As a now 30-something, my metabolism has certainly changed -- noticeably, but so has my desire to spend all my free time on my body. I still look (and weigh, at least as of my last physical) pretty much how I did at 6 months postpartum. Over time, the not-getting-back has bothered me less and less. I look back at my quest to return to pre-pregnancy size and cringe. I look and feel totally fine at my current size and shape!

Instead, I like being the Ashley who can easily run 10 miles on a Monday night, not because I'm training for anything, but -- just because. I love being the Ashley who can get equally an amazing endorphin feel from simply walking an hour the next day. The kind of Ashley who can bake a batch of cookies and not count the calories or care if they have some sugar or fat in them. The Ashley who no longer labels food as "good" or "bad" or whatever else. And, yeah. I like being the Ashley who can go about my day without having it influenced by a silly number, whether the scale or size in my jeans.

It took me a REALLY long time to get to this point.

And this isn't to say I don't still have my moments. I have a closet full of clothes that are just a bit too small for me. I'm finally getting rid of them versus holding on hoping I'll someday return to my previous sizes. Lose those last 10 pounds that never stayed off my frame. It does occasionally bug me when I think about how all my healthy living isn't working quite the way it used to. At the same time, it most definitely IS working! I'm capable of so much and continue to smash PRs and keep active.

I just wanted to share because I have reached this new milestone in my healing process, and I'm excited about it. I didn't know if I'd ever get to this point. Yet, here I am!

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Blaming My Weight Gain On My Family

I mean, I'd like someone else to blame besides myself when it comes to these extra 7 pounds I'm carrying around. Yesterday I may have discovered I lost one whole pound over the course of a week, but the scale bounces back every other day it seems. (Which is why I hate using it to measure in the first place. PS: Have you seen this 5 pounds of fat versus muscle photo?)

OK. So, one of the hardest parts about trying to lose weight now versus when I was younger is -- as mentioned in the title -- having a family. Well, having a husband was enough, too -- but now I'm responsible for making sure my toddler's belly is full with good foods at all meals. I no longer stock the refrigerator entirely for myself. I don't cook meals just for me. I can't necessarily eat meals when I feel like eating or shift according to my particular schedule on any given day. Or cater randomly to my own mood or feelings.

Yeah. Call me a whaaambulance. But balancing food, diet, and family is difficult.

Don't you agree?

When I was working outside the home, I had control over my breakfast and lunch because I ate these meals alone for the most part. I had a good, no, great routine down and certain go-to meals that worked, but since I started working from home (Video), this has all changed. I now cook almost all our meals -- save breakfast -- with the entire family in mind.

Stephen runs over 50 miles a week, along with some intense cross-training, so he eats like a college athlete and is rail thin. And somehow I'm surprised when I match his eating and gain weight. Hmmm. Ada, on the other hand, goes every other day with being super picky and I feel like I often spend much more energy paying attention to what she's eating and neglecting my own plate in the process. However, unlike a common mistake a lot of moms make, I'm not forgetting to eat. Quite the opposite. I grab whatever is most convenient and filling and pleasurable to fill my stomach and move onto the next task.

And with being so busy and distracted, I've also allowed my mental energy at meals to dwindle. I find myself rushing through meals, even when Stephen and I get a chance to head out to eat ourselves. The food is gone in two seconds flat because I'm so used to shifting my attention to the next thing. Food has truly become fuel, and I guzzle whatever gives me the most energy, even if it's candy.

It sounds like a bunch of excuses and I know I could be managing it better. I think it was important for me to pinpoint the whole family thing as an issue, though. Now I can try and move past it. So far, my non-dieting methods are working OK. I can't say I've been able to stick with all of them, but here's a check-in:

// Move More: 

I did three 30-minute moderate intensity bike rides in addition to my running last week. They were at a pace that would be similar to a brisk walk. I think it helped me not only get my body moving to burn some calories, but also got my energy up through nothing more than additional activity. So far this week, I haven't been doing as well, so maybe I'll get on that today.

// Drink Less: 

Geez.

It was a holiday weekend, and I feel whenever Stephen is home, it's not a weekday . . . even if it's, say, Monday. I would like to limit drinking to one drink maybe twice a week. But I definitely had drinks 3 or 4 nights in a row, probably because I was solo nervous about Ada's MRI. Back to sparkling water for me this week. I notice a huge difference in bloat even from just one drink.

// Challenge My Body:

I did a great interval workout last week, but then we got another snow storm, so it was difficult to get in some harder workouts running-wise. Once the clouds parted, I did head out and do a challenging hill-repeat workout on the snow-covered sidewalks/roads. It wasn't as fast as I would have normally done it, but I was proud of myself for doing the hills and not skipping them and making excuses regarding weather. I ran 29 miles outside last week.

// Add More Veggies:

I definitely did a good job with this one. I like making lunches using frozen veggies and topping with eggs. That's a really easy way to do it. Otherwise, if we made pizza, we topped it heavily with vegetables. And I put a nice dose of greens on the side of most meals last week. Adding more protein for breakfast has helped my mornings, though.

// Skip Dessert (On Occasion):

I did OK for a couple days, but then I was back again with those "healthy" Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Bites . . . and that sort of did me in. I need to work on this area this week. I used to make chocolate greek yogurt, like this "recipe" here, and maybe that will be my new go-to, at least for a while.

// Wear Real Clothes: 

Yup. It's not as comfortable, but wearing my jeans and regular shirts sure does keep me aware of how my body feels. I'd be lying if I told you I like wearing my real clothes right now. They are tight and actually put me in a bad mood. I wish I could be more motivating and positive about my current body image, but it's the truth.

// Write it Down:

I started the week trying to track some stuff using MyFitnessPal, but honestly -- I don't like entering numbers. I get too caught up in it -- so I stopped. Instead, I think I might try something written out versus on the computer. I like the idea of this weight chart and a little incentive system (yeah, apparently we use bribes for Ada . . . and I think they might work for me, too!).

POUNDS LOST: Looks like 1 lb in a 1 week. At least that seems sustainable.

Are you trying to lose weight? How is it going for you?

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Running Means . . . Weight Gain?

Katie writes: "I recently started training for my first marathon . . . and I am finding that my stomach has turned into an insatiable beast. I'm up past half-marathon distances every weekend and usually fit in three training runs a week on top of my long runs and, let me tell ya, I can't stop eating. I've gained 3-5lbs since starting this whole adventure, which seems counterproductive to all the exercising I'm doing. Anyway, it leads me to think that I'm eating the wrong things . . . or not enough of the right things!"

Oh, Katie! If only you knew that I was dealing with this very same issue last year around this time. Once my weekend long run ramped up beyond 15 miles -- so, more than 30 miles weekly -- I started eating everything in sight. And we're not alone, marathon training-related weight gain is an issue many deal with. Take a look at Kaeti's story, Jenn's struggle, or Jennifer's situation.

And those are only a few I could find right away.


Personally, I gained about five pounds in all leading up to the Philly Marathon last November. And I've only recently lost them again. But one of the best tips I can give you (before I launch into the rest) is not to pay too much attention to the number on the scale.

You may even want to stop weighing yourself during your training. There are a number of factors that go into this seemingly mysterious weight gain. All my clothes were still fitting, I was just, well, heavier. You're prepping to run 26.2 freakin' miles -- and that's an awesome feat. So, don't cheat your nutrition trying to achieve a specific number you're familiar with (or if you were expecting to lose weight, now isn't necessarily the best time to try).

With this in mind, here are some other tips and things to think about.


1.) Consider that some of the weight you've put on might be muscle mass, etc. I know, you've heard that one before. But seriously! You're spending hours pounding the pavement each week. So, your body is adjusting and building muscles where muscles weren't as hefty before. In addition, your body is learning how to cope with the demands of distance training in more ways than even I know how to explain.

According to Christine Luff, your body is "learning to store carbohydrates as fuel (glycogen) for your long runs. Those glycogen stores are important to completing your long runs and marathon without 'hitting the wall,' but you may see a couple extra pounds on the scale on certain days. Your body also requires additional water to break down and store the glycogen, so that will also add extra weight. (Source)


2.) Take a look at your liquid consumption. I was drinking a HUGE bottle of Gatorade after my runs. Then a smoothie post-run. Then chocolate milk some days. Basically, I was adding a ton of calories to my day in drinks. Oh, yeah, and I forgot the late afternoon celebratory beer or two (running for three hours is mentally tough and requires celebration, folks!). Basically, you will indeed be thirsty. However, sometimes when you're dehydrated, your body doesn't scream for water . . . so you end up drinking anything in sight.

For example, a couple weeks ago while we were in Maine, I ran a 13-miler in the heat and sun. I didn't drink much and by the end was so incredibly thirsty that I begged Stephen to scrape together a couple quarters and buy me a ginger ale from a nearby vending machine. Not one of my best moments. Think before you drink! A good post-run drink is coconut water -- it's low in calories, high in potassium and electrolytes. If you love your Gatorade, consider buying the powdered mix so you can water it down a bit. I actually prefer the less intense taste to the store-bought variety.

And never underestimate the power of plain water. Sometimes it'll not only quench your thirst, but also make you less hungry. Yeah, dehydration sometimes masks itself as feeling of hunger, too. Oh, how tricky our bodies are!


3.) Examine your caloric intake. Even if only for a couple days. I'm not huge on counting calories, but when my training ramped up and I couldn't stop eating, I decided to do a little counting and was surprised at what I found. A lot of my eating was mindless. But more miles means more need for smart eating. I found that I wasn't eating well (or enough) immediately before and after my runs, which helped explain my late night binge sessions. When I started eating smaller, more balanced meals (all I felt like eating was bread and cheese!), my gain leveled off.

Also, watch out for the "carbo-loading" thing. Yes, it's important to eat a large meal a night or two nights before a long run, but that doesn't mean you need to consume an entire large pizza yourself (though, I've been there and done that -- no joke). Eat until you are full, but pay attention to your body. And all those extra rewards do add up (I'd often spend my entire Sunday eating and sitting on the couch). Concentrate on eating as many whole foods and as little refined carbohydrates as possible. It's difficult with all those yummy energy bars, but it can be done.

You may be too tired to cook some days, but trust me -- a little effort goes a long way. Kale and sweet potatoes can be your best friends.


4.) Think about the quality versus the quantity of your miles. If you were training for shorter races before now, you may have had more variety in your workouts. Intervals. Tempo runs. Speed work. All sessions that torch calories. But most of my miles run in training for my first marathon were the same level of exertion. Adding even a single higher-intensity run to your week might help.

As well, you may be running all those extra miles at the expense of other activities. I was living from bed to running to couch to bed for a while. When I train at shorter distances (everything up to the half marathon), I go swimming. I take walks and hikes. I get more activity, whether or not I'm conscious I'm doing it, in addition to my workouts. If you're running for two or three hours one day, but sitting the rest of that day . . . you may not be getting enough activity. That sounds incredibly odd, I know. But try to go grocery shopping or move around in another way (yoga class, anyone?) instead of vegging out.


Do you have any suggestions for Katie? Any stories to share from your own training-related weight gain? And this situation isn't reserved for marathon runners only. In fact, any time you ramp up your training, you deal with similar issues.

It's hard to find balance, but the reward (finishing that long-awaited race) is oh-so satisfying and empowering. We'd love to hear your thoughts. Just leave a comment or email us at neverhomemaker [at] gmail [dot] com.

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Day 5 in the Life of My Stomach

Now, if that isn't the picture of health . . . I don't know what is! But it's Friday, and I always, always go easy on my dinner Friday nights. Especially after a long week at work -- and a nice sweat session on our spinning bike. I'm incredibly happy it's the weekend. I can't even express it in words right now. All I want to do is relax. And show you what I ate today, of course!

Here's the day in pictures . . . (and, no, I didn't eat an entire jar of Nutella!).


And here's the breakdown . . .

• BREAKFAST: Worst smoothie ever. Tried to make the mint chocolate one again, but forgot the recipe. Yuck. 140-ish calories.
• SNACK: Double chocolate granola-ish bar. 270-ish calories.
• LUNCH: Microwaved sweet potato with pepper-jack cheese and strawberries. 400-ish calories.
• DINNER: Three slices of cheese pizza and a beer. 865-ish calories.
• DESSERT: 2 (heaping) tablespoons Nutella. Straight from the spoon. 250-ish calories.

Talk about not my best day. I came in -- even with all that pizza -- at right around 2,000 calories yet again. UGH. Have I expressed how much I HATE counting calories? And it becomes this awful habit where I am now thinking about it before every meal. The good news is that my counting stint is over! Yes. No more counting for me. The next time you see one of these recaps (Monday), it'll be sans numbers. Also: There will be a summary of my weekend eats as well. But from now on, I'll monitor my consumption with my gut and not with a calculator in hand.

Reflections about today's dietary choices. Not my best work. Definitely bottom-loaded the day. I felt full all day, though. I just think I could have topped my pizza with some veggies (Stephen piled basically a large salad on his). I went with the most classic, I'm-a-5-year-old approach. Maybe had another serving of vegetables at work (forgot my carrots at home!). I think I just got lazy. I woke up sort of late and didn't leave enough time to eat a good breakfast (1st huge mistake) and pack a good lunch (2nd mistake). Noted.

That's all from me for tonight. Except this: Do you want to win a fantastic $50 shopping spree at iHerb.com? YES, YOU DO is the answer. Why? Well, you can buy all this cool stuff . . . or whatever your might like to snag yourself!


So, visit us on Tuesday for all the details about how you -- YES YOU! -- can win. And if you need to catch up on my week of healthy eating, check out day 1, day 2, and day 3, and day 4.

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Day 4 in the Life of My Stomach

Day four. And I'm so right about staying at home being the optimal choice for healthy eating. It isn't that I didn't eat well today. I did. But, it's just so much more difficult without all my supplies and tools! My energy felt pretty stable today. I ran 4 miles in the AM, so my breakfast had to work extra hard to sustain me throughout the morning. It did a great job. In all, I consumed around 2,000 calories today. I'm surprised that number isn't more, though. I think it's all the veggies I'm eating. They're so filling, it's difficult to stuff more into my stomach!

You'll also notice that I didn't eat quite as much variety today. In fact, a large chunk of my intake was made up of those incredibly amazing double chocolate granola-ish bars. Not the healthiest way to spend my calories, but certainly not the worst way either.

Here's the day in pictures . . . (Yeah, I know I said I didn't like the collage thing, but it's easy!)


And here's the breakdown . . .

• BREAKFAST: Fabulous and creamy banana-peanut butter green smoothie that I found on Ashley's blog (Edible Perspective) this morning. Approximately 420 calories. I could hardly tell there were greens in it from the taste -- but it felt like a booster shot of health!
• SNACK: Double chocolate granola-ish bar. Approximately 270 calories.
• LUNCH: 1/2 Mediterranean veggie sandwich with 1 cup veggie black bean soup. Approximately 410 calories. Also, I got the photo above from MSN. Didn't want to pull out the DSLR at lunch.
• SNACK: Apple. Approximately 80 calories.
• DINNER: Sweet and sour stir fry with noodles (recipe soon!). Approximately 500 calories.
• DESSERT: Another double chocolate granola-ish bar. Approximately 270 calories.

Today's eating was especially challenged because I headed out to eat with a coworker for lunch. We went to Panera Bread because it's fast, but I have a problem not eating all the baked goods when I go. So, I planned ahead and checked out their menu online. They have fantastic nutrition information (check it out!) -- and I was able to craft a meal for under 500 calories that was both satisfying/filling and incredibly delicious.

I honestly don't have much else to say right now. One thing that I feel particularly proud of is that -- with the exception of going to Panera -- I haven't had any packaged foods lately. Well, some of them may have come in packages, but I think the majority of what I've been eating is made up of whole foods. It feels so good to look at these photos and know what each of the ingredients that went into them looks like. The calorie counting is still driving me mad, but it's helping my portion control. I think before I started this experiment, I was eating like double portions all the time.


Someone pointed out that, yeah, I'm an athlete. And I so agree. I need more fuel than non-athletes to get myself through the day. However, I know I've gained a solid five pounds since the marathon in November. It's because I got too used to stuffing myself silly after 20-mile long runs. I'm not doing that intensity now, so my diet needs to reflect that change in my energy expenditure. I'm getting there. Finally! And at no point have I been feeling hungry. When I "feel" like I want to eat more, it's usually some weird emptiness that really isn't hunger related. It's mostly boredom. And just love of my own kitchen creations.

Need to catch up? Check out the life of my stomach day 1, day 2, and day 3.

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