The Rest of the Story

I am absolutely overwhelmed with the support and love you all have shown us. Not just after the birth of Eloise -- but throughout the entire process. When I check through my Instagram feed at night and see your thoughtful suggestions and ideas for easing into the newborn phase, I smile. When you guys share with me your common struggles and triumphs, I get all warm and fuzzy inside. There have been so many times I've considered stopping blogging, but in the end -- there's so much good that has come of it.

I thought I'd answer a few questions we've been getting today. If you have more, let 'em in the comments. I would like to get started with some informal video blogging again. But I don't have any hard and fast goals for this site right now. I am writing when I feel compelled and when I can. (This morning, making these lactation cookies was top of the priority list!)

#1: How's it going?

Pretty well. We are definitely not having a perfectly smooth transition, but it's not half bad either. Mostly, it's hard getting used to being so tired again. I suppose that's one advantage of having kids closer together -- you wouldn't have the time we've had to relish all the sleep. And instead of being tired and able to rest when the baby rests, we have a big girl with lots of energy now that preschool is over for the year.

It's definitely easier in many respects because so much of having a baby is like riding a bike. We quickly remembered what different signals mean. We aren't freaked out if the baby starts crying in public. We don't need to pack our diaper bag with every last item in our house. We feel like we can get out and about without too much trouble, etc. That's all been so nice.

#2: Talk about perfect timing!

This isn't a comment we've received from anyone online. But just about everyone we run into out and about comments on how perfect our baby timing was for Stephen being home for summer vacation. We usually just laugh and shrug -- but you guys know we didn't time this stuff. In many ways, it's also awful timing. Summer is heating up, our AC unit just broke, and we have no paychecks coming in. (PS: Our furnace broke shortly after Ada was born!)

All that stuff aside, though, it is great to have Stephen home. He was gone for long days during track season, so we felt like we never saw him. Now he's here all the time. All or nothing -- lol!

#3: How did you decide on the name Eloise Joy?

With Ada, getting pregnant so easily meant the whole thing felt like it went by at lightning speed. This time around, there was so much waiting. We had literally a gazillion names picked out for boys and girls. Then we had specific ones picked during different pregnancies that we didn't want to use again out of respect. It became kind of nuts how long my lists got.

Stephen had liked the name Eloise during Ada's pregnancy. I really liked it, too, but had my heart set on Ada at that point. So, when we got serious about the names discussion, I remembered Eloise. And it just felt right. The Joy, as you can imagine, simply comes from our emotions tied to her arrival.

#4: How's Ada adjusting to being a big sister?

About as well as can be expected. The first visit, she was conflicted to say the least. I think the hardest part to her has been the crying. Ada's sensitive to noise -- it's a sensory thing she's always had. So, we are working with her on understanding why Eloise cries and giving her ideas on what might help her feel better when the crying gets bad.

Otherwise, she really is in love. We put her to bed last night and about a half hour later she wanted to come downstairs just to say goodnight to her sister again.

#5: How did everything turn out with the GBS and meds?

As weird as my birth was being augmented and all -- I think the whole scenario worked out really well for my anxiety over GBS. My water broke (or hind water or whatever) only a bit and I was able to get meds ASAP before even contracting. This meant I was able to get both doses of the medication in before delivery (my delivery was almost 8 hours after starting the meds to the dot!), which is something I really didn't think I'd have time for.

#6: What sling do you have?

I've had so many questions about my sling! It's a Maya Wrap, size medium with light padding. I think I should have gone for the small, but it still works. It's definitely comfortable and I can see using it a lot. But I guess I'm old fashioned because I still prefer using my old Moby Wrap for newborn carrying.

#7: Does Eloise look like/act like Ada?

It's hard to compare babies, especially at this newborn stage. I feel like Eloise looks almost exactly like Ada did as a tiny baby. They also nurse similarly and make tons of the same noises, seems to be developing reflux, etc. Did you moms of 2+ kids notice a big difference right away? My pregnancy was so similar, the date when I gave birth was within like 24 hours, and I just can't perceive a big difference! I know this will change with time, though.

#8: What are your must-haves so far? Have they changed since Ada?

It's still early to tell, but I will surely do an updated post on this topic. As a short list, some of my must-haves are different. For example, I didn't have a Rock 'n Play the first time around. This time? It's so handy as a place to put Eloise during the day! We also bought this amazing White Noise Machine that is the best one I've ever experienced. It has a real fan inside, so we run that on the main level of the house during the day to help absorb noise.

What hasn't been a must-have is our swaddlers. She doesn't like to be swaddled at all. So weird!

#9: What's your biggest challenge right now?

That's a tough one. I would say adjusting to nursing again. After being "free" to come and go as I please for so many years, it's hard to be back on an on-demand nursing schedule. I also don't love feeling engorged (who does?). And right now I'm dealing with some over-supply on my left versus right and trying to correct it -- so that's annoying. I know it will all sort out soon.

At times, I have been somewhat torn between Ada and Eloise. Like, they'll both have needs . . . and usually Eloise's is more pressing, but Ada is much more aware of my timeliness. You know what I mean. It's tough. Any tips on that?

#10: Other stuff:

When we got home from the hospital, Ada had a cold. We tried really hard to not have it spread, but now I have a cold and the baby does, too. The house was really clean the day we got home from the hospital and not so great now. The laundry was all caught up and now it's exploding again. We had postponed our HelloFresh boxes for a couple weeks -- so meals have been spotty and weird.

So, the whole perfection thing we had going after Ada's birth is just not there. That's the main difference I've seen between having one baby versus two kids. We have to prioritize and just live moment to moment.

That's all I have time to write right now. I've been walking about 30-45 minutes a day, so I'm off to get in my slot before Stephen heads off on a run. I have much more to write about! So, stay tuned and HAPPY FRIDAY!

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One Week // Postpartum

I'm just about one week out from when I delivered Eloise Joy, and I'm feeling . . . great? I'll backtrack for a moment to explain the question mark. After I delivered Ada, we stayed in the hospital 24 hours and the day we got home, this gloom set over me. I cried, a lot. Over seemingly insignificant things. I felt anxious and angry.

I wanted everyone to go away and to stop holding my baby. I sat on the couch for several weeks, not wanting to get up. I would go to my room and cry sometimes when family was over. Definitely a case of the baby blues that lasted a good three weeks.

Mood

This time? We were in the hospital 72 hours total. When we got home, I was bursting with energy. Not in an unnatural way. I was ready to see Ada and hug her tighter than I had in nine long months. I was ready to do things. I was ready (and still am!) to go places. I was just ready to resume everyday life.

I was bracing myself for some conflicted emotions after the whole journey it took to get us to this point. I am still on watch and have asked my family to please tell me ASAP if I show warning signs of PPD to encourage me to get help. I'm not going to make any grand proclamations right now -- but I'm wondering if I'll continue on this up-swing?

Physical Recovery

Maybe some of this difference has to do with my physical recovery. It, too, has been much better than the first time around. Now, I won't kid you. I tore just as severely with a quick two-push delivery as I did with Ada's grueling 2 hours. Perhaps even a bit worse. That surprised me. But I think less time overall spent pushing treated the rest of my body well. Plus, I knew more of what to expect with all the bleeding, soreness, and other issues, so it wasn't as demoralizing.

That being said, it's summer. I am looking forward to the Mega-Period ending and for everything else to return to normal.

Night Sweats

I don't think I wrote about the crazy night sweats I had after delivering Ada. They were downright awful. I'd wake for weeks just drenched. Trying to navigate breastfeeding for the first time while waking in the winter nights completely damp and chilled was terrible. I had one night of some sweating in the hospital but haven't had any sense. I do wonder how my body is ridding itself of the excess fluids from pregnancy, though. Maybe I'm not out of the woods yet.

Sleep Paralysis

You guys. I had a mild episode of sleep paralysis the other night. I am really, really, really hoping it won't happen as severely as it did with Ada. Basically, I woke up unable to move with tremendous pressure on my chest feeling like someone was pressing down. I was trying to scream out Stephen's name but nothing would come out of my mouth. And then I woke up gasping.

I have told my midwife about it, but she isn't familiar. I know it has something to do with my body not getting out of REM sleep as I wake up. Not fun. Have any of you experienced this? Thankfully I've had it before so it isn't as frightening this time around . . . but I am trying to get good blocks of sleep to keep it at bay.

Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding is going well. Eloise has a strong latch and is nursing from each side pretty much every feed. I think an average feed is taking around 20 minutes right now. She does like to comfort-suck. And we're right on with the newborn 10-12 feeds per day right now. She'll nurse about every two hours during the day and maybe space things out to 3 hours on occasion.

Another difference with nursing so far is that my let-down reflex isn't as strong, but my milk production seems to be plentiful. With Ada, I used to get this wave of sadness when my milk would let down . . . and so far, I haven't had that. I am also far less overwhelmed with having to feed Eloise all.the.time because I know it doesn't last forever.

Weight + Exercise

I started pregnancy at 138 pounds and I think I topped off around 162 (the week before she was born). I am down to around 146 right now, but I don't have any major weight goals for anytime soon. Ultimately, I just want to be back around 135, which seems to be my happy weight when I am eating well and running.

This is annoying, though: I am ravenously hungry and trying to limit sugar, which I'll get to in a minute (it isn't dieting, I promise you!). As far as exercise goes, I have started walking a bit. Unlike with Ada, I don't feel like my organs are going to fall out of my body -- but I'm not going to test my luck. I may do a little bit of Barre sometime soon. Mostly stretching. One of the 10-minute videos.

Oh, and funny thing -- Eloise TOTALLY calms down when I do Barre squats.

Misc.

There's the not-so wonderful news in all this goodness. My urine test before delivery showed both Group B and Group D strep strains. I flipped out momentarily because, I mean, STREP D? WTF?  I don't get sick very often. I've never had all these sorts of infections. I am really starting to wonder what is going on with me. My midwife says it is probably just being immunocompromised from pregnancy. It's definitely a source of anxiety for me, so I am hoping we can clear whatever is going on up soon.

I am on antibiotics -- for the 1,000,000th time this year -- to try to kick out the D from my system. They are 4 times a day for 10 days. After just being on hefty IV meds during delivery. Ugh. I am really hoping I can kick these UTIs. I've never, ever had them in my life. I will say that I am worried about developing yeast, thrush, or major digestive issues like C. diff. I am taking probiotics and don't know what else to do. I am trying to limit sugar, but I am SO HUNGRY FOR ALL THE CARBS and can't seem to.

Overall

I do think the time of year has something to do with things being better this time around, too. Not only is Stephen off from school basically tomorrow, so I have lots of help transitioning. We are extremely close to the longest day of the year. Seeing the sun start to rise before 5 AM and set after 9 PM makes me dread the long nights far less. It's warm outside, so we're able to get sun and fresh air. I guess I am going to try to stop questioning why I feel so well and, instead, be thankful.

It's been a long stretch of sadness and anxiety and uncertainty, and I'd like to think that maybe -- just maybe -- the clouds are lifting. I'll be back soon with some answers to questions I've received about how we're adjusting to family life. What it's like having an older kid and a newborn (she is so tiny!!!). If Eloise reminds us of Ada. And etc.

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Eloise Joy // Birth Story

When I woke up Tuesday morning, I was feeling particularly anxious about the state of my uterus. The pressure and low sensations I had had for a good part of my pregnancy had gone away. My near-constant Braxton Hicks had waned considerably (being pregnant and not having contractions all the time feels amazing, by the way!). But here I was in my 38th week -- the week in which Ada was born -- feeling like Baby E would come by, well, July 4th at this rate.

(Here's the bump pic I was going to use in an update on week 38):

My mother-in-law had driven up last Thursday to spend this 38th week with us. Part of me had always somehow expected to go into labor exactly when and how I did with Ada. Of course, that's incredibly foolish, but I had a hunch and liked grasping onto something that might be predictable.

Also? My mother-in-law had had two weird dreams. In both, Stephen was at school, my water broke, she drove me to the hospital, and I had Baby E on June 15th. The catch: The baby in her dream was always a boy that we named Abraham. When she initially told me about her dreams, I rolled my eyes and was like "yeah, maybe..."

So, Tuesday. I had a lot of errands to run. I had to pay the mortgage, quarterly estimated taxes, and some doctor bills. I had  to run up to Ada's school to drop off kindergarten paperwork. I also wanted to clean all the floors in the house. We took a long walk to get the bulk of the errands done and -- again -- barely any Braxton Hicks (so weird!) or any feelings of low pressure.


We picked up Ada at school where she was having a special swim day (I'd been walking all morning at this point!), came home and played in the backyard with bubbles, ate lunch, and then Ada randomly decided to designate this tree in our backyard as the wishing tree. I said "can we wish that Baby E would come today?!" And Ada replied "no, mommy. She isn't ready." I made a silly, silent wish at the tree anyway and headed indoors to read Ada a story before her nap. We cuddled a bit, read Beauty and the Beast, I tucked her in, and then I decided to use the restroom before heading downstairs.

That's when I felt a small gush of fluid.

Maybe a few tablespoons. Nothing major. Nothing completely watery -- more like drool consistency (if that's TMI, you might want to stop reading). Clear. It was similar to some discharge I had throughout my pregnancy, but because it kind of gushed, I decided to call the midwife. The whole high risk GBS thing had me on alert anyway, so they told me to come in and get the fluid tested at Labor and Delivery.

I got Ada up, told my mother-in-law I felt like a hypochondriac, called my parents and Stephen (and told them over and over again "this isn't IT -- I am sure I am just being crazy"), and we headed to the hospital. I told the nurses I was sorry I was wasting their time. "I'm just really worried my water would break and I wouldn't know -- but there was so little and I've had nothing since," I said. We did the swab. "It could take a good 10 minutes for the results," said the nurse. And then about 30 seconds later: "Well, that was indeed your water. Very clear, fast positive result. Looks like we'll be checking you in."

Whaaaaaa?


Immediately I felt this weird sense of both relief and terror. I had fretted for weeks about what we'd do with Ada during labor, but that was taken care of. Then I realized that neither of the midwives in my practice were on duty until the next day. Instead, I was going to be with an OB I had never met before. She called in the orders to start me on the GBS meds right away and to start a line of Pitocin as well.

"What do you MEAN I am doing Pitocin already???"

Visions of a "cascade of interventions" started dancing through my head. Couldn't I just try to get contractions started on my own? I wasn't feeling any, but I guess I was having a few extremely light ones between 3 and 7 minutes apart.

We checked my cervix, which was dilated to a whopping 2, which was even a bit generous. I had absolutely no pain, no more water or discharge, and I again asked about the Pitocin. It was agonizing deciding that early on if I wanted to augment my labor. They said I could skip it and wait, but the GBS stuff was nagging at me. I could write a lot about how I had way too much time to rationalize this entire experience. I think that was one of the weirdest parts.

When I had Ada, I went in basically moaning on the floor like an animal and was nearly 6 centimeters dilated and 100% effaced. Stuff got real -- and fast. This time? I had a small gush, no contractions, no pain, and was already feeling on the clock. I was joking with everyone and walking the halls with Ada.

It was so incredibly different than the first time around!


"This is going to end in a c-section, isn't it?" I asked. But then many of you chimed in on Instagram that Pitocin didn't necessarily mean I was doomed (I'm not knocking c-sections -- I am just legit terrified of being awake during a surgery like that). Nor did it mean that I wouldn't be able to stay on top of the pain. And PS: I was on Instagram while in "labor" . . . that's ridiculous to me. I was reading stuff on my phone and generally bored while waiting for things to progress.

Anyway, I decided to just go with it. Very reluctantly.

And this tree of medicines became my labor partner.


Like I've said a million times, the higher risk of GBS infection is something I had researched and adding prolonged rupture of membranes wasn't something I wanted to fool around with. My antibiotic was done and we started the drip at a level 2 (5 pm), increasing by 2 every half hour. My parents arrived and visited for a bit and I was in a really bad mood. I was really emotional because I knew I'd have to miss Ada's preschool graduation the next evening. I was really upset that I was hooked up to so many IV lines, etc.

We kept increasing the Pitocin until we reached level 16 (9-ish pm) which is when I had my first REAL, painful contractions. They were coming every 2-3 minutes and they finally felt like the ones I had come into the hospital with when I had Ada.

Except as of 10:45 pm, I was only dilated to a 4 and 60% effaced. Seriously? The pain was getting pretty intense, and I worried that somehow I did something that morning to make my water break and baby just wasn't ready. A little while later, I asked if I could hop into the shower to see if it might get things going faster. Fifteen minutes later, I felt like something exploded down below. No, it was like a cannon going off in my nether regions. It turns out that my initial water break may have only been a high leak or a forewater bag. What happened in the shower was like WHOA, definitely my water. And that's when sh*t got real.

It was like 11:45 pm by now. The contractions were, well, owwwwwwwww-uch. Unrelenting. They weren't too much more crazy than the ones in my labor with Ada, but there was something more beefy to them. I was dilated to a 7, so I had entered transition. Fluid and blood were definitely part of the picture now. This is probably why I was starting to think about the pain meds.

I actually decided I wanted an epidural at some point, but then my nurse came in to say that the baby's heart rate was decelerating and I needed to get out of the shower ASAP. The contractions got even more intense out of the water and within the next 15 minutes I was fully dilated and there just wasn't time to do any pain management.

My body was turning itself inside out. I did not have this sensation with Ada. They had called the OB a while back but my body had started to just push with all its might. The nurse told me it was important I not give in to the urge. I kept apologizing because I just COULD NOT stop. We tried changing positions to get things to stall a bit. That's when the OB walked in and said "Oh, did you see that? I think I just saw the cord." Hearing that somehow made me able to hold it in better. I was able to breathe through a few contractions while she got suited up.

I asked "do you think pushing will take long now?" With Ada, I pushed over two hours and nothing felt productive until the very end when they were able to get her to turn from being stubbornly posterior. The OB said "I think you'll have her out in, uhhh, a few minutes." And that gave me this huge rush of confidence. They turned me to my back (pure hell) so I could get in better position for unwrapping the cord.

I pushed once and the ring of fire hit. The head was out.

I pushed again and the OB said "reach down and grab your baby!"

Eloise Joy entered the world screaming her head off at 12:15 am.

She was 7 pounds, 2.2 ounces and 19 inches long. Apgars 9 and 9.

(This is my WTF? That just happened in two pushes?! face.)


From first painful contraction to the delivery of Eloise, it was only three hours.

I want to write more about having a birth experience that totally took me off guard. I was hooked up to a gazillion IV lines the whole time, I was monitored the entire time and looked at a screen tracking all my progress. So weird. I spent so much of the labor just waiting for things to happen when I have always joked with Stephen "why on Earth do people bring movies and music to their labors?" In the end, it was all good. But it was a difficult experience for me where I felt a bit out of control of what was going on.

We're all doing well and at home after a 72-hour hospital stay (since I had her at midnight and we needed to stay 48 hours to monitor for signs of sepsis). The funny thing? I believe Ada was born at like 38 weeks and 4 days. Eloise came at 38 weeks and 3 days. And my mother-in-law's dream? Yeah. She got it right. June 15th. Water broke, Stephen was at work, but the baby is still a girl.

We're in love.


Thank you for all your support and kind well wishes over the last several days!

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Pregnancy: Week 35

I feel like I'm just coming up for air this week -- and it's Thursday! So, we have a lot of stuff going on. It started with Ada's dance recital last weekend, which was quite time consuming (and adorable), but we've been dealing with some other medical stuff. Without going into the gory details -- Ada has a rash. We have now been to four doctors and no one can tell us what it is. I've been in and out of appointments and tests for the last two weeks.

She's doing fine otherwise -- but it's unnerving not knowing what is going on. We've also missed all but one day of school this week, meaning I've had zero work time and my house is an utter disaster.

Excuses out of the way -- here's my week 35 pregnancy post.

And bump shot:

I had an ultrasound yesterday! Those of you who followed during Ada's pregnancy know that I had something like 8 ultrasounds with her due to all my contractions. My midwife this time around didn't do that. At (many) times, it frustrated me immensely. I hadn't seen Baby E since week 18, so nearly 18 weeks with no view into the uterus.

I had no idea we'd get a 3D picture:


They estimate her weight at around 5.5 pounds. I know the projections are notoriously wrong, but if babies gain 1/2 a pound per week, that puts her on track to weigh as much as Ada. Her head is measuring right on, along with most of her body. Her waist is a week or so behind. Ada's was that way, too, so I'm not terribly worried. Baby is head-down for the time being but does seem to be a bit on the posterior side (which I could have told you without seeing her). All the systems look healthy and like they're functioning, along with my placenta, and etc. Very reassuring.

Thank goodness for central air. At one of Ada's appointments this morning, they stuck us in this tiny room and the air wasn't working. It was 80 degrees, stagnant, and I seriously almost passed out. I had to go to the lobby and ask for water (I did so rather dramatically, which was totally unintentional). Outside wasn't any better for the rest of our errands, so we've retreated indoors and set the thermostat much lower than we usually keep it (70 degrees versus 73, oh my!).

This weekend is supposed to be wicked hot, too. I'm trying to lay low, do my walking and exercise indoors, and I'm drinking over 100 ounces of water.

I toured the hospital with the NICU last weekend. After my post about pregnancy anxiety + GBS, I have had some progress in my own fears. The thing is, I know what will be will be. I just want to make sure we're doing everything we can. That we have a plan in place. That I don't feel completely blindsided no matter if everything is completely fine or turns out horribly. I talked at length with my midwife, and we do have plans for different scenarios in place, so all is good (or at least as good as it can be).

I ordered Ada's big sister gift. I decided to get her a couple friends to help her through her transition from single to sibling. Have you guys seen these Lottie Dolls? They're adorable. I got her the Muddy Puddles and Pandora's Box. Ada is getting Baby E a Fisher Price Seahorse. Since she has pink, she got her sister a blue one.

Her sister. I am pinching myself. Is this real?

Sitting in chairs -- dining room, office, car, etc. -- is what really kicks up my Braxton Hicks contractions. I need to either be standing, on all fours, or laying down. I'm really frustrated because the car is especially bad and my 15-year high school reunion is this weekend, but I decided to skip it.

I think one of my biggest frustrations during my pregnancy was not being classed as high risk. There were advantages and disadvantages. I don't really understand why I wasn't high risk, but between all the miscarriages, constant contractions, the history of a child with a congenital brain condition, and GBS UTIs, I felt like I've needed closer monitoring.

It's pretty late now, but I am mostly frustrated with myself for not exploring and finding out why I didn't have as much monitoring. Everything has been OK, thankfully, but I feel like a lot of my worries and anxieties could have been alleviated with some extra checkups and scans that several of my friends with similar circumstances were given. 



Other stuff:

• Weight gain: 20 pounds total
• Days till due date: 31 -- a month!
• Days till gestation when I had Ada: 19
• Cravings: Just very hungry in general. Rice Crispy treats. Nectarines and strawberries. Runny eggs (but I'm waiting on those).
• Other weird symptoms: My hands are starting to get swollen which may be from the heat. I also have a bad case of pregnancy brain. Out of breath. Just generally slower and not feeling at all like my old self. I don't remember feeling this way with Ada. Five years makes a big difference, I guess.
• Biggest complaint: I cannot keep my house clean and it's really bugging me. Nesting is in full force, and all I want is to be able to eat off the floor. This weekend is going to be a lot of deep cleaning. #allthevinegar
• My prediction on baby's birthday: June 12, mid-afternoon
• Recent purchase: A diaper bag of sorts. The Kavu Railslide in Campground. I love it. I also bought one of those Shredded Memory Foam pillows and it's amazing.

Other updates:

• 33 weeks
• 30 weeks
• 28 weeks
• 25 weeks
• 23 weeks
• 21 weeks
• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

Like what you just read? You can subscribe to the feed of these posts or follow us on Twitter or Facebook to be the first to know what the (never home)makers are up to. And we’ll love you forever!

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Pregnancy Anxiety and GBS

If you've been reading a few years, you sort of "know" me and my tendencies to be, well, wound. I'd say over the last several years, my levels of anxiety have certainly been heightened, especially related to medical stuff.

I mean, I had a terribly irritable uterus in my first pregnancy and always feared I was going into labor from week 17 onward. Then Ada was diagnosed with a brain issue and had a craniotomy with all sorts of risks. After that, we had a short reprieve before the miscarriages started. Oh, and Ada ended up getting the second stage of Lyme disease last summer and I'm not adding in some medical stuff other immediate family has dealt with.

During pregnancy, I've had worry that's both generalized and specific. Of course, I worried early on that I'd miscarry again. But I also received news at an early appointment that I was "highly colonized" with group B strep (GBS) in my urine. This is totally different from the swab at the end of pregnancy. Having this bug in your urine means active infection that needs treatment with antibiotics at the time of diagnosis and then again at delivery. It also increases your chances of passing on GBS to your baby four-fold over regular carriage.

I found out in my second trimester and then again last week that the bacteria was back (so, three times now -- same "infection" levels). I didn't have symptoms this last time at all really, but I asked to be tested out of curiosity. GBS in the urine, which is only found in like 5 percent of women, can put you at risk for preterm labor, premature rupture of membranes, low birth weight, and a host of other bad things, even possible passage of the bacteria to the baby before birth, though rare.

Compared to a woman who simply tests positive with a GBS culture between 35-37 weeks, there's like a 1 in 25 versus a 1 in 200 chance the baby will get the bacteria at birth, too. This figure is if the woman does not receive a dose of antibiotics during labor at least four hours before delivery (doctors prefer to give two doses over 8 hours). And my labor with Ada was like 5-1/2 hours. I am also allergic to the "most effective" drug of choice, penicillin.  

(Other high risk factors include if you gave birth to a child previously infected with GBS, if you deliver before 37 weeks, if you have a fever during labor, or if your water is ruptured more than 18 hours before delivery. I don't mean to overwhelm. I do medical writing over at Healthline these days, so I suppose I'm in the habit of being thorough.)

So, as you can imagine I've been more than slightly freaked out about this situation. The storm clouds are seriously looming over my head. My midwife assures me everything is fine. GBS is no biggie. That complications are rare. That I seem to have "antepartum anxiety" that is leading me to make a bigger deal of this than needs to be. The thing is, though, I'm not entirely sure this "anxiety" is unfounded. Ada's brain condition is one that affects less than 1 percent of people, mostly males. Having three miscarriages back-to-back only happens to roughly 1 percent of women.

We're like the family of rare stuff over here. I try my best not to feel doomed . . . but I also have a history of being blindsided. I want to be prepared and educated about something that could potentially be serious.

So, now I'm deciding what to do. I have an appointment on Friday and I truly feel like all my words are lost. Like I am not being taken seriously with my concerns. I am planning to deliver at the hospital in the area that doesn't have a NICU, but part of me wants to consider changing that plan in the event that something "rare" again happens to us, to our baby.

I understand that there's a good chance everything will be fine. But if something went wrong, I feel like I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for not trying my hardest to set us up for the best-case scenario. Like I said, I just don't feel confident I'll get the IV meds before delivery if it's as fast or faster than when I had Ada. Even if I do, I'm that high risk group and allergic to the best med -- how effective will it be?

Sigh.

I'm also frustrated that doctors seem to treat this condition in different ways. Mine only wants to give meds if things are causing symptoms. We haven't done follow-up tests after the meds to make sure it has cleared, which is why I've ended up asking for additional tests. Others the the whole "test of cure" after meds are over. And they continue medications -- sometimes low-dose suppression therapy throughout pregnancy -- if the bacteria persists.

The thing is: This stuff isn't making my cry. I'm not having panic attacks. I'm even sleeping quite well at night. (Though, I should probably stop reading websites like The Jesse Cause.) At what point is genuine, founded concern something that morphs into irrational anxiety? I suppose this is a question I should explore with a therapist or something. I don't really know. Writing is helping me sort out the discussion I plan to have at my next appointment. In my head, I feel I'm being incredibly rational and level-headed.

Thanks for listening. And I know I'm generally in the whole crunchy way of doing things, but I really don't believe in all the methods I've been reading across the internet to trick the GBS swab test. I mean, who is that going to benefit? Of course having medication when it may not be necessary is a concern, and gut flora is important, and yadda yadda. But, please, don't go and try to trick a medical test for something that could have consequences if not properly diagnosed. That's just my plea from all the forum posts and blog posts I've come across (written by people like me who have no business giving medical advice!).

At the same time, some of this information can be useful. I am attempting to help lower my colony counts by drinking unsweetened cranberry juice, eating garlic, taking two Femdophilus probiotics per day, eating lots of yogurt, and dramatically lowering my sugar intake. I figure these measures can't hurt -- but so far, I've still got the bug. I am surely getting the IV meds (or at least really hope I'll be able to in time).

BTW: I know this post was no fun! I'll be back tomorrow with a Green in 15: Dishwasher tablets recipe.

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Essentials for Baby Number Two

I've written a lot about paring down and getting rid of stuff lately. But I have received a good number of questions related to what we have bought or what we think we'll need with baby number two versus what we did with number one. At this point, aside from a high chair (which we plan to get at IKEA a while from now -- maybe around Christmas) and a few odds and ends, we have what we feel we "need" this time around.

In fact, friends and family have asked what they can give us and our honest answer is grocery gift cards. Yup. At this point, we'd rather eat than have more gadgets, clothes, and gizmos. We actually have far less than we did when Ada was a baby, so -- in a way -- that is liberating. I think we may even have too much, but it's things we accumulated through all the time trying and the miscarriages. I guess my love language with having babies (up until this point) has been pretty much self-gifting presents-related.

Nursey stuff

• The old crib was (literally) all chewed up and loose, so we purchased the Ashton 5-in-1 Convertible as a replacement we hope will last well into the preschool years.
• We never had a changing table the first time around, but I sort of wanted one since we needed dresser space anyway. We purchased the Badger Changing Table in natural with gift cards we received for Christmas. 
• The rug is by nuLOOM. I bought it on Overstock well over a year ago when it was a.) in stock (here's the listing) and b.) much less expensive.
• We're using an IKEA storage cart to hold a bunch of board books.
• My parents gifted me a glider/rocking chair that they had purchased second-hand via Craigslist when Ada was a baby (to keep at their house). It's SO comfortable!
• The closet the baby's room is the smallest of all the bedrooms. We found this Rubbermaid Hanging Shelving Unit at Ollie's last weekend (same price as on Amazon) and think it'll work well for organizing extra stuff versus hangers.

Swaddle blankets, bibs, bath, etc.

We have a good assortment of Aden + Anais swaddle blankets because I love them and we used them A LOT. In fact, all our old ones had holes and stains. This time around, we splurged and got some bamboo. I think having a summer baby, we'll use these as sun covers for stroller walks and, well, for a lot of light weather covering versus all the fleece we used with a November baby.

Other items:

• These soft muslin bibs for potential reflux and spit-up days.
• A couple burpy bibs (wish I had seen these Zutano prints!) for similar purposes.
• An infant bath towel because I thought it was cute. (We mostly use regular towels.)
• And some muslin washcloths because they are so good at lather.
• My friend is letting me borrow her Blooming Bath for early suds sessions.

Activity Stuff

• We'll be using the same Infantino Twist and Fold Gym we had the first time around. It's held up well, we just bought a few new toys to replace the ones we've lost in the last five years.
• We found a Snuggapuppy Bouncer Seat at the local Once Upon a Child shop for a bit less than retail price.
• It matches the Snuggapuppy Rock 'n Play we purchased using a gift card from my brother at Christmas.
• We have very few toys right now because we know babies don't play for a long time. My must-haves for tiny babies are lots of links,  this Farmyard Friends soft activity book, this Hoot + Hide Owl (from 2011), this Hungry Caterpillar Stroller Toy (from 2011), and some decks of Wee Gallery Cards.

Sleep Situation

We will be sleeping in the same room with the baby, likely for at least the first six months. Maybe longer, I'm not sure and probably won't know until we reach the point of readiness. We had our old Pack 'n Play, but one of my biggest regrets with Ada was not getting a co-sleeper.

• We were able to find a very gently used Arm's Reach Cambria Co-Sleeper. I was actually able to get it for around $60 because it was at Once Upon a Child for $90 and I sold $30 worth of stuff. I think I can re-sell it and get up to $45, so -- not too shabby. Had I bought new, I probably would have gone with the slightly less expensive Mini Arc. 
• We also have a few small size swaddle blankets in lightweight fabrics for the early months. Once we're done with swaddling, we'll likely just use our Woolino Merino Sleep Sack (same one we used before) until age 2. It's held up amazingly well and it is for all four seasons!
• We are also planning to use our old Travel Sleep Sheep for white noise while the baby is sleeping in our room.

Babywearing, strollers, etc.

One area where I did indulge a bit this time around was with babywearing stuff. My Moby Wrap has seen better days, and I wondered if it might be too hot for baby in the summer. And my Beco Butterfly . . . there was nothing wrong with it. I just wanted to try some new things. I sold the Beco for $40 and put that money toward these two.

• The Original Ergo in Aussie Khaki. I like all the pockets for storage. I was even able to find a strap on fanny pack-type thing at a used baby stuff store. I know there are like a gazillion options for these types of carriers, but the $114 price was right, and I like the cross-body carry position, which my Beco didn't do.
• And my most favorite -- I bought a Maya Wrap Padded Ring Sling in olive with Christmas money from my grandparents. I am really looking forward to learning how to nurse in the sling, and I think the fabric weight is perfect for summer.
• We also sold our old BOB and put the money toward getting a new BOB Revolution SE stroller. Ours was still functional, but with how fast Stephen runs, we really wanted to invest in this area, especially considering how loved our old one was.
• Oh, and our infant car seat had expired. We picked up a Graco Click Connect 30. The only problem we've found is that we cannot find the appropriate BOB infant attachment for walking this summer. I contacted the company, and they assured me they're releasing something this month. But still not sure I want to spend like $60 on a piece of metal to connect a car seat for only a few months when I could walk baby in a carrier.

Diapering, clothing, etc.

We are so super set on clothing for this baby. The problem with the early sizes, though, is that everything we had for a November newborn was fleece and warm, warm, warm. This baby is like the polar opposite season, so we definitely had to invest in some short-sleeved onesies and light-weight clothing. I have bought the vast majority of any clothing for the baby at second-hand shops.

• As I wrote in my cloth diapering post, we are doing a mix of old diapers with a large batch of newly purchased Best Bottoms with hemp inserts. 
• We are still deciding if we'll do cloth wipes. I had a love/hate relationship with them. And somehow I cannot find any of ours. We had the Bumkins brand and they did work well.
• We also won't be buying a new diaper bag. Around Ada's surgery time, we had bought a Skip Hop Duo in cherry blossom (not sure if they make that print anymore), and it's basically new. I can't believe how expensive some diaper bags are! A lot of the women in my birth board are all into the Jujube. Is it really worth $130-$150+?

Breastfeeding

• I need to look into insurance covering a pump, but I think I may just get a new Medela Harmony since I didn't pump very much the first time around. This basic, manual pump really did a good job for my occasional needs.  
• We didn't use many bottles before either. I have no idea if we will this time around or how breastfeeding with go (hopefully well). I did get a Lifefactory bottle to try out if we do dates or need it. Otherwise, I'd probably just get a few Medela bottles that fit the pump.
• And I keep forgetting that I'm going to need bags! I use Lansinoh bags.
• I still have my Organic Boppy Pillow. The cover is torn, so I plan to sew it. 
• I'd love to get a nursing stool to go with the gliding chair my parents gave me. Wondering, though, is it worth it or should I just prop my feet on a box or something?

Keeping it (somewhat) frugal

Biggest tips if you're on baby #2 (or more) + on a budget (and aren't having a baby shower):

• Use as much as isn't expired or totally worn out from your first child.
• Buy as much second hand as possible, including gear! 
• And sell stuff to get money for new stuff, if desired.
• Think about what you really used the first time around, get rid of the rest (for example, Ada barely used her swing, umbrella stroller, etc.) and put the proceeds toward things you need.
• Get a few special things for the new baby. But don't buy too much ahead of time. I really could have followed my own advice better here, but in all our waiting for this to happen . . . we just ended up accumulating what we needed. At this point, though, if we don't have it -- I doubt we'll need it.
• Use gift cards or holidays as excuses to get things for the baby versus gifts for yourself. I don't need more stuff specifically for myself, so getting a ring sling, for example, was the perfect Christmas gift.

This post contains affiliate links. Thanks for your support of our growing family!

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Pregnancy: Week 30

I feel like it's been forever since my last pregnancy update. While not a lot has changed, I have crossed over into week 30 territory, which feels HUGE. I'll be 31 weeks on Sunday, and now that my appointments are every two weeks -- time is flying, which is a point I've wanted to reach for a while. I feel mentally ready and just happy to be reaching closer to the end.

Belly shot:

I am up 16 pounds as of my midwife appointment this morning. This is almost exactly my weight gain at this point in pregnancy with Ada. So weird how that's worked out because my activity level has been like 100% different. Also weird is that I weigh now what I did when I delivered her.

Speaking of weight, etc., I don't have any major fitness goals for the postpartum period. With Ada, I wanted to be running again ASAP. This time around, I really think I want my body to heal more gradually. I had a lot of pelvic pain the whole year after having Ada -- and I think if I had waited a while longer to run, I may have been in better shape. So, right now I am planning to eat well, walk, and ease back in with Barre and yoga. Maybe run a 5K by September.

Baby is measuring right on. I only know this from belly measurements. I haven't had an ultrasound since week 18! To me, this is absolutely crazy because I had had so many with Ada. But in a way, it's nice having some unknown. Everything else is looking good, too. Blood pressure, not UTIs, etc.

I am still exercising an hour a day, 5-6 days out of the week. Mostly walking. It feels good. The weather change has helped my mood immensely. Instead of looking at walks as fitness, they have become a real mental health thing. I look forward to the quiet and relaxation.

Stephen's hours have been hard on us, but I am getting more used to the routine. There is a period in the afternoon where Ada and I lay in my bed and watch videos on YouTube for like an hour -- totally necessary break in the day. I am continuing to work at about 25 hours each week and hope to continue this pace until delivery.

Some of you were asking about my "maternity leave" and as a freelancer, I don't technically get one. So, I am planning to take between 6-8 weeks off totally from writing and then ease back in after that. I will be making all my arrangements soon, but I am thankful that my checks lag a bit because we won't have a period where absolutely NO money is coming in over the summer. Phew.

I have decided to start packing my hospital bag and one for Ada as well. My big goal for the next few weeks is to really figure out exactly what we're going to do when I go into labor, whenever that will be. I will feel much better with a plan in place. The last time, I didn't have a bag packed and didn't need really anything I would have stashed in there. I am going to do a post on this soon.

Other stuff:

• Cravings: Soy hot dogs with mustard, BBQ kettle chips, ice cream, s'mores. You know, all the health foods.
• Movements: Crazy. I do the kick counting and get 10 kicks before 2 minutes most times.
• Aches + pains: Weird cervix stuff my midwife says is just normal stretching. Back pain comes and goes, but my SI-joint has been awesome since I stopped running (for the most part).
• Days till due date: 66
• Feelings: I think we have decided after this pregnancy to be done at 2. This is something I'll write more about another time, but pregnancy has been so difficult emotionally this time around -- I don't know if I could do it again. 
• Baby's size: Large cabbage (almost 3 pounds)
• Most looking forward to: Time off from working (both of us) and the summer weather. As much as it's going to be awful to lose sleep, in a way -- it will be a bit "easier" than the hectic schedule we're doing now!

Other updates:

• 28 weeks
• 25 weeks
• 23 weeks
• 21 weeks
• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

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Cloth Diapering // Round 2

As with many things related to having an infant nearly five years after the last one, I feel like I'm starting from square one again with cloth diapering. We had a pretty good thing going until several months after Ada's first birthday when her diapers started to smell like ammonia. I stripped them. Then I did a bunch of other stuff and they ended up burning her. Basically, I ruined our stash, but if you've been reading here for a while -- that's not new news.

This time around, I seriously debated whether or not we'd do cloth. Honestly, I was scared of ruining our investment again. I was scared of burning the baby again. And I haven't even given birth yet! But after reading and researching, I remembered why we decided to do cloth with Ada to begin with. These days, cloth diapering isn't anything revolutionary, so I won't rehash all the reasons we think it's the best choice for our family.

Instead, I thought I'd share our plan this time around. I also have a few questions for those of you who have been doing the diapering thing more recently than I have (seriously -- it feels like eons ago that I changed a diaper!).

Types

We have a mix of diapers we're planning to use this time around. Some are old, some are new. I think cloth is cute, but I'm not exactly one of those moms who is completely obsessed with all the prints, different styles, etc. Instead, we've been patching together what we can find and what we can afford. And, of course, I did get a few pretty ones in the mix as a treat.

Here's the gist:

• I have a few BumGenius that are still in good condition after the washing/stripping mishap with Ada. I also have a few microfiber inserts that made it out alive. 
• My friend gave me some gently used Rumparooz that her son is no longer using.
• There are five Itti Bitti Tuttos that I barely used with Ada because I always found them too small. I think they'll make great newborn diapers. 
• And the bulk of our diapering will be the Best Bottoms snap system with hemp inserts. I believe I have 8 covers and 16 inserts right now.

Cloth + Newborn?

We didn't cloth diaper Ada until she was maybe 6 weeks old. Maybe I'm not remembering that correctly, but our BGs seemed far too large before that point. As a result, I had actually stocked up on some Honest Co. disposables when I saw them on sale at Zulily a year or more ago.

I ended up buying a mix of new and used newborn Oso Cosy pre-folds for the early days at Jillian's Drawers in Ithaca, NY. I plan to toss these into the Bitti Tuttos because they are so tiny and probably also in the Best Bottoms covers. I didn't want to buy newborn diapers -- maybe that's a mistake? Wish me luck.

Cloth diapering a newborn will be new territory for us. I guess we'll see how it goes and use our backups if we need 'em.

Washing

But here's my big question: HOW SHOULD I WASH?! I have this thing burning in my back of my mind for several reasons. I'm wondering if any of you have ideas or suggestions!

• We did microfiber inserts with Ada. I sort of hated them. Most of what we have now are hemp and organic cotton because I heard hemp has fewer issues in this area. I'm assuming maybe the same washing method (mostly Tide Powder) won't work exactly the same on this natural fiber.
• We've moved since Ada was in cloth. Our new home has much harder water, which I've heard makes things tricky.
• We've been making our own laundry detergent for years now, and I'm wondering if there's anything I might be able to DIY that could work to save money and equal less toxins into the water supply?

One thing I'm excited about is having a summer baby. I can see those diapers drying in the warm breeze right now. Ahh . . .

Other Stuff

• We don't have a diaper sprayer. I don't know if we'll install one again. I feel like we didn't use it terribly much.
• We have a not-so new top loading washer that we're hoping is up to the challenge.
• Versus keeping a garbage can lined with a diaper liner in the nursery, we're hoping to just do a big wet bag that we can carry up/down the stairs.
• Oh, and we only bought inserts for the Best Bottoms in size medium. I came across a YouTube video where a woman shared that's all you need to diaper from tiny to toddler. Trying to save our pennies where we can. I will report back on whether or not this really works. Fingers crossed!

So, that's our current "plan" -- I need to consider prepping our diapers soon. That will require some research, too. Like I said, it's all starting again from square one. I don't consider myself very knowledgeable in this arena, but I also get really overwhelmed when I go into diaper groups and hear all the many styles, washing methods, and other tips people share. I want it to be really simple. I mean, shouldn't it be? A girl can dream!

If you have any tips or suggestions to keep our diapers clean + fresh the simple way, I'd love to hear them!

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Pregnancy: Week 28

I wanted to wait until after my latest appointment to do a pregnancy update. We are now in week 28 -- the undisputed third trimester! Does anyone else hear trumpets?! I was really excited for this part of pregnancy for obvious reasons. I mean, there are likely fewer than 12 weeks before the end. My doctor appointments become more frequent. SPRING has sprung. Oh, wait. It "feels like" 5 degrees outside right now with snow on the ground. Ugh.

Belly shot:

Ada's big sister class was on Sunday. I was actually a bit disappointed if I'll being honest. Most of the kids were like 2, and Ada didn't really learn anything she didn't know already. I had envisioned they would have gone more in-depth into certain sibling topics, but I think with the young crowd, it just wasn't possible.

The good thing? We've been reading a lot about it. Here are my two favorite books for older kids expecting siblings:

• Baby on the Way by Sears Children's Library
• What Baby Needs by Sears Children's Library

Both books provide information in a way that kids can understand. They cover emotional stuff, plain info stuff (like terms for uterus, contractions, breasts, nursing, etc.), and Ada asks to have these read to her again and again. I like how they focus more on the way of parenting that we practice. Rooming in, breastfeeding, using a midwife, baby-wearing, etc. I highly recommend these books.

I think I've hit another growth stage. I had Braxton Hicks so frequently on Saturday that I had to stop everything I was doing and take a nap for an hour to get them to slow down. Thankfully I haven't had them nearly as much as I did with Ada, but holy moly. When they start, I get all freaked out. My midwife is really laid back about them this time around, which is both good and bad. She has given me some guidelines for when to worry versus when not to worry -- so I think I'll be OK. I just HATE them.

At my appointment, baby was measuring on track. I've gained 13 pounds at this stage, which is just a couple less than I had with Ada at 28 weeks. Heart sounds good. Everything is good. I think it's hard for me to BELIEVE it's all good because with Ada I had so many ultrasounds toward the end due to the contractions. I am a see to believe kind of person, so I left my appointment feeling OK, but also still so curious.

I try not to think so far ahead, but I truly believe this will be my last pregnancy. We had always tossed around the idea of having three kids. And if I'm being honest, in my heart I have always wanted three. But after three miscarriages and just generally feeling lots of anxiety during pregnancy -- again, it's not fun for me. My babies hang out really low in the uterus, too, so the back pain is creeping back up. I know pregnancy isn't easy for anyone necessarily, but I find myself regularly saying "I feel immensely blessed to be carrying this child, but I don't think I can make it through this again." Only time will tell.

I passed my glucose screen! I failed with Ada and had to take the 3-hour test. But I passed and actually aced the test with a 95 (I was 137 with Ada). My midwife told me it was best to take it as close to 28 weeks as possible to get the most accurate read. I wrote about it on Instagram, but pretty much all the medical test calls we've received for anyone in our family in the last 2+ years have shown abnormalities or worrisome things. I jumped for joy when I got this result. My iron and D3 levels are also great at this point. I always marvel at the iron being so good because as a vegetarian I don't particularly go nuts trying to make sure I get good amounts in my diet.

Stephen's track schedule is rough. We didn't know he'd be able to get a coaching position this year, but when it came open -- he pounced on it. The issue? It runs exactly through until week 38, which is when I had Ada (cue the freak out!). He's gone from around 7AM until 6PM (7PM or later if there are meets) and then on many Saturdays he'll be gone from around 8AM until 6PM for meets. I know many women have it worse, but with working from home and having no family in the area . . . this new schedule has been an adjustment for all of us. By the time he returns in the evenings, I need to lay down even though he's also tired. Family dinners have been few and far between. We're both just really drained trying to figure out the new normal. But I know it will be worth it in the long run. Whine over. We'll power through!

Emotionally, I'm pretty up and down. Little things make me cry. I feel very clingy and needy. I don't remember feeling this way as much with Ada, but I do remember it being a roller coaster at points. I think the hardest part about having another child and being pregnant is feeling like I'm just not giving enough to her. There are times when I simply cannot play or when I don't have the stamina to do my normal stuff. I also think the weather is affecting my adversely. I feel so much better when I can go outdoors and enjoy the sun. C'mon, spring!

OK. So after all that negative stuff (sorry! I really am not feeling as bad as this sounds), I will say that I am so incredibly psyched for it to be June. I need to figure out what type of "leave" I'll be taking from work. How long and how it will affect our summer income (any freelancers have suggestions?). But this long-held dream of ours is fast becoming reality. I don't know if it will sink in until I'm holding Baby E in my arms . . . but I already know I'll be bawling tears of JOY because I remember every bit of how hard it was to get here. With Ada, I was excited. With Baby E, I have this whole new regard and awe for life and the creation of life. It's powerful stuff.

Other things:

• Days till due date: 82
• Baby is size of: An eggplant! 2-1/2 pounds or so
• Cravings: Black seedless grapes, peach Greek yogurt, chocolate cupcakes
• Workouts: Walks and Barre3 online -- a mix totaling 1-hour most days of week
• What I'm Watching: All of season 2 of Fixer Upper last week. I want to move to Waco, y'all.
• Belly: It's big, but not as HUGE as it felt a few weeks ago in relation to my gestation
• Post-pregnancy goal: A 5K in late August. Slow and steady, but I'd love to be jogging again.
• Reading this week: Breastfeeding books. I've forgotten so much!

Other updates:

• 25 weeks
• 23 weeks
• 21 weeks
• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

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Pregnancy: Week 25

Not a whole lot has been changing from week to week with my pregnancy, so for now I plan to group and do updates every other week (or so -- who knows, I change my mind constantly). I'm 25 weeks and 3 days today. Just 102 days to go according to my Sprout app. That sounds so far along and so far away all at the same time.

Here's the bump (it's so dark outside today!):

Though I get lots of Braxton Hicks, so far I seem to have avoided irritable uterus. At least how it was with Ada. I credit being able to vary my days between sitting/standing more. And I make a point to lay down whenever I first notice them. This is a true luxury, I know, with working from home. But not having the completely anxiety of contracting all the time has been really nice. I hope it keeps up this way. I probably get 1-2 an hour, max in the afternoon + evenings. They do start to get bad if I sit at my desk or ride in a car for longer than 30 minutes.

After yet another mini-freakout about GBS UTI #2, I decided I'm just going to trust my midwife. I have read a ton of research and info, and because I've had GBS persistently in my urine, I'm highly colonized and have a much greater chance of passing it on during labor. (Ugh. Terrifying.) I'll write more about my thoughts re: labor soon, but with Ada -- I was only laboring for around 5 hours (!!!) before I started pushing. I'm hoping to get those antibiotics in time, but I guess we'll likely be in the hospital for 48 hours after Baby E's birth if I don't get them.

We are trying to make plans for what to do with Ada during labor. Our nearest family is around 2 hours away. And with how fast Ada's labor was + needing the meds immediately, we won't have time to wait at home. So, that's foremost on my mind these days. I'd love your thoughts and experiences if you had a similar situation! Especially if something happens in the middle of the night. Did you ever have to take your child to the hospital with you?

I had officially stopped running at 23 weeks, but I actually did end up keeping with it 3-4 times a week since then. However, I definitely had my last run this pregnancy on Sunday at 25 weeks. It feels OK to continue (especially with my Blanqi tank), but I would rather walk and do other activities. After my runs, I have been particularly tired and achy, and I'd rather not feel that way. I am psyched to start running again in the summer.

We're planning to have Baby E sleep in our room for several months, just like we did with Ada. We have a Pack 'n Play, but I have started looking into Arms Reach Cosleepers. Do you guys think it's worth the extra if I have something similar? I put a call out on a local yard sale group to see if I can find a gently used one. I think nursing in the middle of the night would be much easier with the cosleeper versus the Pack 'n Play.

I'm having some body image issues. I hate that I'm even going there because I am so thankful just to be pregnant, but in my first pregnancy -- I felt pretty amazing. This time around, I started at a higher weight and lower fitness level. But now that the pounds have started to pack on and my fitness has waned, I feel self conscious. Obviously I'm not fretting over the weight or actually getting upset. I'm thrilled to be pregnant and think about this blessing all the time. It's just . . . different. I don't like dressing myself. Everything feels so small. I have around 15 weeks to go. Meh.

I had some name doubt last week and almost changed Baby E's name. But after chatting with Stephen, we're still set on our original plan. Even today when I said it out loud, it just felt right. I think I'm finally starting to envision life with a baby again, which is a big step for me mentally. Yeah. that's my biggest report for this week. I have a sense of excitement rising from within my core that I haven't felt until recently.

Other stuff:

• Kicks have turned into rolls and those funky long movements. Like when you can feel a hand go from way up here to way down there. There's always a dance party going on in there.
• Latest cravings revolve around cheese and pretzels, cranberry juice mixed with seltzer water, and avocados.
• I really, really, really missed a good poached egg atop toast.
• My glucose test is next week. I failed by a point with Ada and had to take the 3-hour. Let's hope that doesn't happen this time.
• I get up no fewer than 5 times to pee each night. Have mercy!
• I've started really thinking about what the baby will look like. We didn't get a good photo from our 18 week scan, but I can tell that her scull is shaped differently from Ada's. It's less round and her forehead seems bigger (maybe more like mine?). Ada thinks the baby will have red hair, but I don't think that's possible with our genetic makeup.
• We're trying to find a few things for Ada to do that are special this summer. We're thinking swimming lessons, daddy + daughter library dates, and maybe a short summer morning day-camp.
• There are times when I get quite emotional thinking about those final days when Ada will be my only child. I have a lot to write about it for another day.

Other updates:

• 23 weeks
• 21 weeks
• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

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Early + Recurrent Loss

Here's a continuation of our Actively Trying story. I'm sure you guys understand, but I've been delaying writing this post for a number of reasons.

• First, though my pregnancy seems to be going well, I always feel like I'm never going to be out of the woods. It's this nagging feeling, and it's gotten worse the more my belly has grown. 
• Second, I have wanted to make sure I can convey the right sensitivity to the subject -- the experience and emotions a woman (or couple, family, etc.) goes through can be vastly different. 
• Oh, and please count this as a disclosure because as much as I never intend to offend anyone, it happens somehow regardless. 
• Third, well, putting words to my feelings -- despite how it might seem -- isn't always easy. I've worked hard to "move on," so to speak, from this period. The thing is, it will always be a part of me and my story.

Here we go.


There are times when I feel like claiming stake to three miscarriages isn't totally fair to others who go through far worse. I said it. After all, my first miscarriage happened only months into trying, only days after my expected period. At the time, it was a bummer -- but surely isolated, right? The third, some 12 months later, was also within that mere fifth week of extreme early pregnancy. It's easy to disregard these pregnancies or diminish the hurt by telling myself the science.

These clusters of cells, embryos, never had heartbeats. Check. I never saw them on an ultrasound monitor. Check. And I never knew the sex, etc. Check, check, check. While that's all certainly true, but they still hurt . . . tremendously.

If you've TTC-ed for any amount of time, you know that tied to each cycle, there's this overwhelming feeling of hope. When you get that so-faint-it's-almost-white positive pregnancy test after months or years of trying, you get that buzz. You immediately start dreaming up what that little guy or girl will look like. Would he have thick, curly hair like Stephen? Would she have short, stubby legs like me? Looking up the due date: How wonderful it will be to have a fall/winter/summer/spring baby! Cue the images of impossibly adorable newborns -- your newborn -- wearing Santa outfits or sibling coordinated Halloween costumes.

The life your imagination starts painting from those initial moments is bursting with color and joy and you feel quite invincible for a short period of time.

You did it.
You created life.
It's growing inside you.
This thing you've wanted for so long is finally happening.

And when you find out that life is gone . . . no matter how soon . . . it digs deep. You start asking why. Wondering what you did wrong. You can't take comfort in the cold statistics or knowing that likely something was wrong with the baby's chromosomes, no matter how many times well-meaning friends or family say "it was probably for the best". You mourn the life that was but really wasn't. You bleed and cramp and hurt. And then you have to somehow reset and train your attention and emotional energy on trying again.

Another month of uncertainty.
Another month of agonizing waiting.
Another ride on the roller coaster.
I'll tell you, when months add up -- each day can feel like eons.

Last spring's miscarriage has been heavily weighing on me lately. I suppose it's because I remember so well at this exact time last year knowing that our baby was slowly fading away. With each OB visit, the heart rate would be slower. Our little guy or girl was hanging on, but we knew almost immediately we'd never hold him or her. I sat paralyzed in bed and stared at the wall a lot. At the time, I was beside myself and so confused.

Do we terminate knowing what's happening? (To which my old midwife informed me "Well, Ashley, that's abortion -- we don't do abortions here" and I sobbed at her: "Do you seriously think that's what I am asking for?!") Do we wait and see if there's a miracle? Do we all of a sudden decide to ask God or some higher power for help? Would a higher power even do this to us again?

And once we knew it was truly over, there was another long list of considerations to make. Do I wait for nature to take its course despite being violently ill? Will a D&C impact my future fertility? Will it hurt? Am I dishonoring the baby? Should I really wait three grueling months before trying again? Will this process ever result in a live baby? Will I ever stop crying?

I never thought I'd have two miscarriages in a row. That just doesn't happen to people like me. Never. I was 30 when we started to try for number two. 31, last March. Healthy. Fit. Diligent about medical care. I haven't partied in years and go to bed most nights by 10:30. So many friends -- both in real life an online -- came out of the woodwork to share that they, too, had had a miscarriage. They went on to have healthy pregnancies right away. Surely this, too, would pass.

And those three cycles of "break" from TTC were good for me. It was nice to not think about getting pregnant for a while. I got some mental strength back. I was so ready to start up again last June, so when it didn't happen right away . . . I seriously lost my mind. I started thinking about how unfair the whole thing was.

Two miscarriages?!
Where's my first-cycle-of-trying-again miracle baby?
Why am I so unlucky?
Why is that TEENAGER 40 weeks pregnant?
Why is that SMOKING person in her third trimester?

Judgements abounded, I assure you.

After the third, I'd read online of women who had seven or more miscarriages or stillbirths or infant loss and put myself in check. Was I making too much of all this? Was I just being crazy? But -- also -- is it really fair to compare stories? So much of my mental state was taxed with questioning. Analyzing every step, every symptom, every lifestyle choice, every doctor's recommendation . . . and if you've been there, I think you can understand how it just. takes. over. everything. EVERYTHING.

Surviving early and recurrent loss isn't something I think I did particularly well. I don't have any tips or tricks to share. I, well, merely s.u.r.v.i.v.e.d in the most basic sense of the word. Since my "fix" was a laughably simple cocktail of baby aspirin and progesterone, I do look back and wonder if these babies -- all of them -- were healthy. If my body was the attacker. I blame myself. I'm working on it, but I can't lie and tell you I don't think often about how I could right now be holding an eight month old, a five month old, or even be 5 weeks closer to my due date than I am now.

I mean, that's just insane to think about. I try my best not to go there.

As dramatic as this all sounds, I don't weigh all of these thoughts on my daily life at the present moment. I give them a place. I probably let loose once a week or every two weeks -- sometimes less frequently -- and allow myself to dwell in those moments. To muse over what might have been, but try to believe somehow there's a plan. Maybe?

There are the unexpected times when, say, I'll go to the doctor and go over my medical history . . . the whole "you've had 5 pregnancies?" thing definitely raises a few nurses' eyebrows, almost always followed by embarrassed, overly sympathetic "oh, I'm so sorry." Or when people ask now when I'm due and make a crack about how "wow -- hah hah -- you must have planned that baby perfectly with your husband's school schedule!" Or make a comment about how "something's in the water" because many of the moms in Ada's preschool are also pregnant. (I actually sometimes want to say "in my craziest moments -- I DID consider if SOMETHING in our water was causing all my miscarriages -- thank you!")

I choke back some tears and quickly compose myself. Like I said, as much as I put it all in a box, early and recurrent loss will always be a part of my story. What I've learned is that there's never a "too early" when it comes to pain of loss. There's never a "right" or "wrong" way to feel. So if you're going through this . . . let yourself feel. Let yourself mourn. And let yourself move on without feeling guilty. I'm working on that last part, but I think it's something that will happen in time.

Thanks for reading.

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PinkBlush Maternity + $75 Giveaway

Did you guys see my 23 week update? I dressed up for my bump shot. With a little help, that is. PinkBlush Maternity -- a small family owned and operated company -- recently contacted me to see if I wanted to check out some of their cute maternity clothes for growing bumps. Ummmm. Yes, please. I need fashion help like crazy these days.

I haven't invested in much clothing this time around because I'm mostly home and don't fit in anything from Ada's pregnancy, so it was a treat thinking about how to look nice in my current body for a change. I wore this Navy Blue + Floral Chiffon maternity dress out to brunch and a movie with Stephen Sunday morning, and I felt like a real lady in it.

Photos!

I love the cut and print of this dress. Like I said, I feel really pretty in it -- even though my roots are looking wicked awful these days and my body is somewhat unrecognizable to me. The fabric is a great weight for transitioning from spring into summer. I chose a size medium, and I'd say that the sizing is right on with what I would expect. Just a bit roomy so I have space to fill up the belly until June.

So, if you're looking for some trendy maternity clothes, check out PinkBlush. They are running a 25 percent off sitewide sale right now using the code SPRINGISHERE. Not pregnant? They also offer a ton of cute and affordable clothing options for women, plus sizes, nursing women, babies, accessories, and more.

// GIVEAWAY

Now is your chance to browse PinkBlush for yourself! Leave a comment below with the words "I'm Blushing!" to be entered for a giveaway that will earn you a $75 gift card. Make sure you leave some way for me to contact you.

Winner will be chosen via random number generator next Tuesday, March 8th, and you'll receive your gift card within 24 hours via email.

Disclosure: I received a dress from PinkBlush Maternity for review purposes. My opinions are my own.

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Pregnancy: Week 23

Blogging hasn't been happening lately, though I don't need to tell you guys that! Random quiet on this space was totally unintentional, but I am hoping to get back into a better rhythm this week. Ada's been hitting some bad sleep patterns (waking up an hour earlier than normal, skipping naps, not going down until after 9PM, etc.). Working from home is great, but not when my time gets crunched so much.

So, we skipped a week. Here's 23 weeks!

News this week:

I have another GBS + UTI. And I totally freaked out about it. I don't understand really why this is happening to me. I read that only 5 percent of UTIs are caused by the GBS bacteria. Then I read the CDC's information on what it can do during pregnancy, delivery, etc. I have a midwife appointment later this week, and I'll probably report more than. In short: I'm freaked out about it and my midwife is getting tired of my neuroses.

I have decided to stop running. At least for now. I don't know. I don't really NEED to stop running, but the pressure and constant need to pee don't make it feel too great. I'm sticking with Barre3 most days (five or so days for 30 minutes to an hour) and walking a lot. I feel strong and centered. If I feel like trying to run in the future, I won't close my mind to it, but I'm also mentally OK with stopping.

I have finally started to gain more weight. At this point, I'm up 9 pounds. I did have some random nausea and vomiting last week, but I think it was an isolated event where I didn't eat enough.

I've been really tired. I want to go to bed by 9:30 most nights and I'd love if I didn't have to do anything until 9:30 the next morning. Though I wake up around 6:30, it takes a long time to get my body going in the morning. I'm trying to take things more slowly.

I'm on antibiotics again. I hate it. It's for the UTI. It's just so weird how Ada's pregnancy wasn't perfect, yet I didn't need anything medical to keep it going. This time I've already had two rounds of antibiotics, lots of progesterone, and baby aspirin. I know it could be "worse" but it just makes me marvel at how different one pregnancy can be to the next.

I did buy the Belly Bandit Upsie Belly, and I wasn't thrilled with it. PROs: It was really well made, high quality materials, and seemed like it would work if I wasn't carrying so awfully low. CONs: It was too bulky and I couldn't sit down in it. So, I sent it back and decided on the Blanqi Body Styler. I should get it tomorrow, so I'll be sure to let you guys know what I think of it.

Other stuff:

New development: Baby E responds to my touch!
Sleep report: I'm like a rotisserie chicken, rotating all night long
When I predict I'll give birth: June 12th
Size of belly: It is actually a lot like when I was 28/29 weeks with Ada
Looking forward to: Ada's big sister class. It's in April!
Delivery location: I'm considering switching hospitals. More on that soon.
What else? I'll be back tomorrow with an outfit post featuring PinkBlush Maternity + a fun giveaway for you guys.

Other updates:

• 21 weeks
• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

Like what you just read? You can subscribe to the feed of these posts or follow us on Twitter or Facebook to be the first to know what the (never home)makers are up to. And we’ll love you forever!

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Pregnancy: Week 21 // Video

Thanks for sharing all your labor and birth experiences on my last post. I guess there's really no telling if Baby E will come early, late, or on time! One thing is for sure -- I feel way more pregnant at this stage than I did with Ada. I don't mean to moan about it too much, but my aching back! By the end of each night, I am all sorts of a mess. I may invest in a pregnancy support belt soon . . . and a few of your suggested a Blanqi Support Tank, and I like the looks of that.

Bump shot. This is also my standard uniform these days. Yoga pants and a basic t-shirt.

Something different for today -- a video update for you guys today!



Some highlights:

// I'm feeling a lot of aches and pains, especially in my back and lower belly. Apparently I carry pregnancies low, which is why I feel this way, I'm sure.

// My running days are numbered. It's just not comfortable anymore. I need to stop comparing myself to my 27-year-old pregnant self and just embrace what feels best. I'm working on it.

// My first prenatal yoga class is this weekend! I had so much trouble finding one in my area, so I'm really excited for it. Hoping I can meet some other moms and relax.

// Time is really slowing down for me. I'd love if I could reach the viability stage, like, yesterday (around 24 weeks). My next midwife appointment is just shy of this milestone, so it cannot come soon enough.

// I'm taking baths in epsom salts each night to see if it will help with my Braxton Hicks contractions. It's also a nice ritual that is helping me just disconnect and breathe.

// I'd be ready if the baby came today. Not that I want her to arrive early -- but I have everything we need basically just hanging around the nursery. I'm definitely not a typical "seasoned" mom and I'm way too excited about having another baby in the house. It's been so long.

// Overall I'm having some anxiety about making it to the end of pregnancy. I always tell my midwife everything I'm thinking so I'm feeling OK, but I'm not able to ever forget I'm pregnant. It's constantly in my mind, and I kind of wish I could just let go and enjoy. I'm trying some breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques to help.

Other stuff:

How I'm sleeping: Not well. Peeing 10,000 times per night
Weight gained: 7 pounds
Days till due date: 128
Latest craving: Peanut Butter M&Ms
Biggest complaint: Cannot sit without back pain
Feel best when: I'm hunched over my Yogibo at night
Kind of freaked about: The early days of breastfeeding
What I don't care about: My pregnancy style! Thank goodness I work from home.

Other updates:

• 20 weeks
• 19 weeks
• 18 weeks
• 17 weeks
• 16 weeks
• 15 weeks

Like what you just read? You can subscribe to the feed of these posts or follow us on Twitter or Facebook to be the first to know what the (never home)makers are up to. And we’ll love you forever!

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