And Baby Makes 5

If you don't follow me on Instagram, you may have missed our announcement last week:

I am nearing week 10 of my pregnancy with our third child, and we're all incredibly excited. It still feels like early days, so I do share this news with some cautious optimism. But since I've been so open with our TTC journey, I felt disingenuous not telling you all something that's been such a big part of life lately.

Our due date is November 1st officially, but I'm measuring according to when I know I ovulated (super early for me), so more like October 28th. This is a special date because it's the same due date I have with my longest-lasting miscarriage two years ago. I'm actually coming up on my D&C anniversary this week, which is all sorts of crazy to think about.

I found out I am pregnant a couple weeks after my fertility testing. My midwife had recommended I get checked out after four months of TTC with ovulation timing using OPKs and using progesterone support. I ended up waiting 6 months, so I got pregnant on what was cycle 7 of trying to conceive. I ovulated on day 10 of this cycle, which is very (very!) early for me. And something new is that I also experienced ovulation bleeding for the first time in my life. I hadn't had a pelvic exam as part of my fertility testing since my pap was recent (so, the bleeding wasn't from that) . . . so when I had the bleeding, the doctor suggested I get an ultrasound, which confirmed ovulation on my right side

This is a bit kooky, but stay with me. I rarely ovulate on my right side. I am very in tune with my body and feel all the feels leading up to ovulation. I'm almost certain that every time I have been pregnant, it's been from ovulation on the right. I have a lot of pain when I ovulate on the left, and I just have a theory that I have a bum ovary. Who knows -- but I do find it interesting.

Anyway, I was convinced I wasn't pregnant because I hadn't been despite perfect timing for the previous six months. Silly, but why would it change? I took a pregnancy test (a cheap Wondofo) more to rule it out one morning right after Ada got on the bus for school. I didn't even look at the test for a few hours because I knew it would be stark white. So, imagine my surprise when I went to toss it out before lunch and saw a very faint pink line. I immediately called Stephen to tell him because I'm suave like that. But I didn't call the doctor for several days. Part of me was convinced it would be a chemical or that it just wasn't really happening.

When I ended up calling the doctor, they told me CONGRATS! And immediately said "Well, you'll be coming in for your tutorial on how to use Lovenox injections then, when can we make your appointment?" And I was like "WHAT?!" Panic mode.

I hadn't received my formal results in the mail yet . . . I got them the next day, and that's when I discovered that I have a MTHFR mutation. I wrote about that more in this post. Long story short (because it's a long story -- and many of you guys really helped me out) . . . I met with my doctor and opted not to do the injectable blood thinners. Since I have just one mutation, baby aspirin may be enough (it was for Eloise) . . . and my doctor had simply offered Lovenox as a precaution based on my miscarriage history. If any of you are interested, I can share more about this. I just don't want to bore you with details.

My first appointment was at 6 weeks and 4/5 days. My mom went with me because she and my dad were up visiting that day. I was so nervous for my ultrasound, but the probe immediately found the baby . . . and the little flickering heartbeat. Measuring exactly how far I thought I would be. After the ultrasound, I met with my doctor again. He's incredible. I can't say enough great things about this new practice and its staff. My pregnancy with Eloise was full of anxiety. And the staff didn't help matters. My fertility doctor there was great, but after I graduated from his care, I was unhappy.

I wasn't a pushy or annoying patient either. But, like, I had to BEG for ultrasounds even if I had a legitimate worry (like frequent contractions or bleeding). My midwife often just flat out denied giving me them and I'd go long stretches with so much worry. It snowballed and made me a wreck at times. I explained this to my new doctor and he said "why wouldn't I want to put your mind at ease? We'll set you up for frequent monitoring in the first trimester -- no problem." So I have been having ultrasounds every two weeks until I hit 12 weeks. For me, it's just helpful in the early stage to see that development is going steady.

I am going to be advanced maternal age when I deliver, so I was offered a free cell DNA genetic screen to check for any abnormalities in the fetus. I will be getting that blood work done next week and should have the results shortly after. I will also learn the sex from this screening (we have ZERO preference), but that wasn't my primary reason for doing it. I am genuinely interested in this type of testing, so I think it will be educational . . . and I would want to be prepared for what we discover if anything.

I am sure I'm glossing over a lot of stuff. Something I have found interesting is that in the four pregnancies I have had that have lasted long enough -- my morning sickness has been almost identical. I have good notes, and it seems to start at 5 weeks and 4 days each time. I throw up a few times a day (yum) and generally cannot tolerate eggs, bananas, dirty dishes, toilets, etc. I may have a special post dedicated to morning sickness. I feel like an expert.

Oh, I suppose something that is interesting about this being the third baby is that I am definitely showing. I can't break out maternity jeans or cradle a bump just yet . . . but my lower abdomen is firm and rounded. I have always had a retroverted uterus -- but not this time. It may have flipped after Eloise's birth. I wonder if that has something to do with it. I will share more about how I'm feeling and what's going on in the moment after my next ultrasound. Again, it's still early and anything can happen. But we're happy to share our news.

Thank you for reading!

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TTC #3 // Reader Q+A

I have less than a week until my fertility consultation with my new doctor. I've gotten a few questions and general comments (via Instagram -- that's the best place to reach me these days) throughout my blogging about our desire to add another child to our family. I thought I'd do a quick post to hit on the major questions and themes. I'm trying not to dwell on it so much, but I also would rather get my thoughts out into the open.

Side note: I took this photo a REALLY long time ago right after I had graduated college. This pregnancy test washed up on the shore of Cayuga lake (don't pollute, people!). Seeing it felt so scandalous at the time. And now I've probably taken like 1,000 of these!

Q1: Why do you want a third child when you have two healthy kids?

This one came from someone who did not mean it in a flippant or disrespectful way whatsoever. It's a valid question, and it's one I ask myself on a daily basis. I've said it before, but I'll mention it again: We aren't trying for a boy, so that plays no role whatsoever. I do occasionally have doubts about my ability to raise three children, to afford them, to provide the best life for them. I waver. Sometimes I feel like it'll be amazing -- why worry? Other times I see myself falling short and think I should reevaluate.

There's just this tugging that both Stephen and I feel. I have chatted with older people who are well beyond their childbearing years. My own grandparents are included in this set. The resounding advice I have received has been to go for it. That we won't regret having another child if that is what we feel strongly in our hearts would make our family "complete". Some of these people decided against it and forever have wondered what would have been.

At the same time, we aren't dead-set on three at all costs. I have yet to get pregnant. I feel afraid I may have miscarriages again. And if that situation happens again, I don't know if I'll want to put myself or my family through it. What I can tell you is that going through such loss did strengthen our desire to add to our family . . . but it's a delicate balance to account for what we "want" and what is "good" for us. Does that make sense?

Q2: Have you had your thyroid checked?

Not recently. But that wasn't my issue before. It's something I'm asking about, and I do think it's part of the regular infertility workup.

Q3: Are you on X, Y, Z supplement?

I had been taking royal jelly and COQ10, but I've stopped all supplements for the time being. I was also practicing seed cycling but have decided to give that a rest as well. I had an issue when I was trying to get pregnant with Eloise where my ovulation wasn't happening until later than ideal (past day 20 in my cycle) and my luteal phase was maybe 9 days at best.

Being on progesterone has my cycles incredibly predictable and "normal". I ovulate between days 12-14 and have a 14-16 day luteal phase. That's about as textbook as it gets. As a result, I don't necessarily see the need to use supplements, because the purpose of many for me was regulation of cycle. That said, I do know that some may help with egg quality, but I first want to discuss them with the doctor.

Q4: Do you worry about medical issues with another child?

This question comes from my own mother. Obviously, with Ada's medical history -- it's a concern. We also have a genetic heart condition that runs in both sides of the family. My dad had open-heart surgery to correct his aortic stenosis that was caused by a bicuspid valve a little over a decade ago. Another close relative on my mother's side has a similar condition.

Here's something we all know: I have anxiety. And of course this is something (among many things) I do worry about. Ada's surgeon assured us that the issue she had (a very large, benign arachnoid cyst) is a fluke. It's not genetically inherited. I've read anecdotal evidence to suggest otherwise, but I am trusting the doctor on this one.

So, the answer to whether I worry is both yes and no. There are so many unknowns that come with having another child. I just watched a YouTube video from a mother who almost died during delivery -- so all of these things do run in my mind. It can be serious, scary stuff. Again -- my heart is telling me to forge ahead.

Q5: Are you worried about being over 35 soon?

This question has come from a few people because much of the literature you find will have age 35 as this big cutoff point with fertility. There are so many studies on this and so many medical opinions. What I've gathered from a lot of reading is that fertility rates don't necessarily decline quite as rapidly as we're lead to believe at 35. At 40 they may even be better than we often hear about. That said, the fact remains that there are fewer eggs and more of them are abnormal as the years tick on.

I do feel weird sometimes when I think about having another baby in my belly . . . as I look at all the newly sprouted grey hairs on my head. But I was chatting with another "geriatric" mom who is trying to conceive last night. It is what it is. In a "perfect" world, I wanted to be done having babies by now, but I also lost a good 18 months during TTC#2. We don't have control, and I know plenty of mamas who have had healthy babies after 35 and after 40.

Q6: What TTC supplies do you use?

• I have this basal thermometer for daily tracking.
• I have read this book many times -- Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
• I use this gigantic package of OPKs and Pregnancy Tests.
• That said, I also stock First Response tests because they're the most accurate.
• I track everything for free in the Fertility Friend App. 
• I take Nature Made Prenatal Vitamins. I also take D3, baby aspirin, and folic acid.
• We do also use Pre-Seed, but after four cycles . . . it isn't magic for us.
• I had been using royal jelly in honey. I recommend it (here's why), but check with your doctor.

Q7: You've only been trying six months, why are you seeing a doctor so soon?

My midwife recommended after being on progesterone for four months that I get checked out. My cycles, as I mentioned, are extremely predictable. I'm using ovulation strips and temperature charting, and nothing is happening. We had tried two months with all these tricks before the meds as well, so that is where the six months is coming from. I will turn 35 in July, and most advice you'll see suggests to be checked after 6 months if you're over 35. Since I'm close to that cut-off and have previous infertility issues, I figure it's better to get checked sooner rather than later.

This isn't to say I'm jumping into fertility treatments. I mostly need guidance on whether or not to continue using progesterone in the way I'm using it. I also need a new prescription. Beyond that, I just want to get baseline tests and make a relationship with a new doctor. I'd also like to arrange to have blood pregnancy tests at the end of each cycle. If you've ever done progesterone, there's always this nagging feeling that MAYBE you ARE pregnant and the test just isn't picking it up yet. I'd like to eliminate the maybe.

Those are the questions I've had the most of. If you guys have any others, let me know in the comments below!

In general, I am writing about this process because I like reading about what others are going through. Before we had our own struggles, I had no idea how hard it can be to get and stay pregnant. I want to be as authentic a voice for this process as I can be. So, that's that!

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How TTC is Going . . . Or Not

Here's an update on how trying to conceive baby number three is going. I am open about this process not to over-share, but because I find it helpful and interesting to keep up with others who are TTC. When you Google "how long does it take to get pregnant?" so much of what you'll find is discouraging if you don't see a positive test after a month or two. Anyway, if you don't like this sort of content, feel free to skip.

We're half a year deep into TTC baby number three. I didn't initially count the first two months of trying because we weren't using baby aspirin or progesterone. But we were using OPKs and timing things on point (trying in the five day period before/including ovulation). My luteal phase was only 10 days, so I figured we didn't have much chance. Yet, with timing things around ovulation . . . I suppose that was actively trying with a touch of denial to preserve my sanity.

Since then, I've continued using OPKs and have added temperature charting . . . along with baby aspirin, progesterone, and OPKs. Very good timing. It has to be this way to use the progesterone, it's not really a choice or me obsessing. I start three days after ovulation. Anyway, I had an extremely faint positive show up on two different brands of tests in September (I've learned to just let this roll. I don't consider it anything) . . . but I didn't make it to a blood test, as bleeding started right on target.

I'm not pregnant.

Of course, I know how long it can take and how even a positive test is no guarantee. But I'd be lying if I thought maybe this time I'd cheat the system somehow. After all, the very month I was put on progesterone with trying to conceive Eloise, we were successful. Not only that, but I had gotten pregnant two months in a row. Four times total in the span of a year. Timing is certainly not our issue, though I know that even with perfection the average is only a 20 percent chance or so to get a positive test in any given cycle. But then I see "stats" where some 80 percent of couples get pregnant within 6 months.

My midwife only gave me 4 months of progesterone and said I should see a doctor if it doesn't happen by the time the prescription is up. I actually have enough to eeeek by with one more month of trying, but I may schedule a workup anyway. I am nearing age 35. Hormone levels and other things can change between pregnancies. We're using tools to pinpoint ovulation. It doesn't hurt to check things out before we keep going.

That said, I won't be doing anything medical to enhance my fertility. Progesterone is where we'll end intervention (unless I need medication for thyroid or something). As I have said in the past, a third child would be wonderful . . . but we're trying not to go to crazy about it. Not that I think Clomid or other things are crazy by any means (please understand, there's no judgement here! I know the risk isn't super-high, but I cannot handle even a minute possibility of multiples). I just can't go through the level of mental anguish this time around as I did last. If it isn't happening, I'm going to try my best to just be at peace.

And even with all this tracking and such, I am in a good state of mind. Just frustrated. But calm. I know everyone says to calm down and it will happen. That's the last thing I wanted to hear when we were TTC for Eloise. Guess what? I ended up getting pregnant with her when I felt on the brink of insanity. In my experience, it's all a crap-shoot.

All this to say that I'm now wallowing. Six months really isn't that long in TTC-land, though my mind does nag at me because I know when I'm ovulating, I'm confirming ovulation, we're timing perfectly, and my luteal phase is a healthy 14 days thanks to the progesterone. Still, I'm continuing my life as normal. I'm even getting into such a good groove with yoga that I'm kinda sorta OK with not being pregnant (so I can keep going to my "harder" class).

It's just this quiet, dizzying world a lot of us find ourselves in. Whether you've been trying six months or many more. It's a cycle of excitement/hope/anticipation followed by disappointment/uncertainty. On repeat. I am incredibly grateful for my girls and continue to thank the universe every chance I get for the blessing of motherhood. It's not lost on me. This is just one part of my life right now. I wish it were easier -- for everyone. But that's not reality. If you're in a similar position, join me in breathing and gathering up more hope for the next cycle.

RELATED

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Catching Up

What’s happening, friends? I realize it’s been a while since I updated you guys on what’s going on in our lives. So, today’s post will be pretty informal and a way of catching up.  I’m hoping to get back into a more regular blogging rhythm again (2-3 times a week) now that cross country season is nearly over. Anyway, here are some questions I’ve received over the last month and some other general updates.

Life’s been a blur (much like this photo), but things are good.

// Finances

By far, the most requested info revolves around our budget and paying off debt plan. I wish I had better progress to report. Unfortunately, between a new water heater and 4-digit furnace repair, we haven’t had a lot of room to move around funds and aggressively go after our bills. We are keeping up with all our normal payments and will contribute more when we can.

It does feel good to have steady paychecks coming in again. Stephen decided to get his salary distributed over the course of the whole year this year versus the 10-months we had done previously. This will hopefully help as we budget so the summer doesn’t shock us so much.

I am still chugging away with freelance work, but I haven’t returned to pre-Eloise levels. I write between 8-10 articles a month right now. I’m hoping to get back to doing 12. When Ada was in preschool and I was home alone a few hours a day, I was doing more like 24 a month and blogging. The main issue is time. I’ve always relied on early mornings and naps to work -- but with two kids, that time isn’t often there like it used to be.

I think WAHM stuff is material for another post!

// Eloise

Our littlest member of the family is nearly 17 months old! Crazy. She runs all over the house, climbs everything in her path, and is putting short sentences together. Her favorite is “I did this”. She likes Curious George and Daniel Tiger, but doesn’t sit still to watch TV more than two minutes, much to my dismay (Ada was a little zombie).

In the last month, we’ve started regularly going to several toddler activities, including a weekly toddler rock concert, library group, discovery center (I have some photos/videos on my Instagram stories today), and I’d like to start going to a mommy + me gymnastics class when she turns 18 months old.

Our biggest struggle has continued to be food. I plan to write more about this. But to other mamas out there -- it’s not your fault if your kids don’t eat. Ada was a relatively good eater. I’ve taken the same approach of variety and such with Eloise, and she simply doesn’t eat. I’m going to be checking with her doctor about getting her levels checked again for iron deficiency (they were fine at the 1-year appointment, but it’s worth a look). She’s still a petite little thing, but she is fine with all her milestones and seems healthy and happy otherwise.

// Ada

Sweet Ada will turn six next week. Please make it stop. I am continually grateful that we were able to delay kindergarden through our district and start her this year. Last year’s early K was such an amazing opportunity for her to be in school at a slower pace. She’s doing extremely well with academics and friends and loves school.

Ada’s still in gymnastics and this year we also signed her up for a choir that meets once a week. Being a mom of a school-aged kid is certainly different. It can be overwhelming at times and there are always new issues we confront or curiosities Ada has. It’s hard to get into in brief. But I think we’re doing a great job so far.

We’re having a birthday party for Ada this coming weekend. It’s cat-themed, much like her first birthday. She has so many friends and always wants to be hanging out. Completely different from my personality! I love seeing the person she’s turning into outside of me and our home. It’s a special time, that’s for sure. Ada’s also an amazing big sister and really watches out for Eloise. I’ve enjoyed watching their relationship develop as Eloise has transformed from motionless blob to active toddler.

// TTC

I mentioned on Instagram that we tried for number three last month. It didn’t work out, and we’re not sure when we’ll try again or if we will. Basically, last month would have been good timing, so we went for it. But then due dates get into XC season for several months, which is something I’d like to avoid (but I don’t take fertility for granted, so who knows). Trying brought back a lot of emotions and thoughts that I hadn’t expected. While this was just the first month (and -- please don’t think I’m freaking out about not getting pregnant right away. I TOTALLY didn’t expect to!), I felt the weight of our previous infertility issues and multiple losses.

I don’t know how much more I’ll share about this journey, but I just wanted to put it out there. I wish TTC wasn’t this huge thing. That I could approach it without such thought or simply not think about it. I was at a children’s museum this morning and a group of friends all seemed to be pregnant with their third child and each had two kids that were very close in age as well. I heard them all talking about having their kids a year apart, 15 months apart, two years apart. It wasn’t their fault at all, but I felt isolated hearing them all chat about the relative ease of having kids back-to-back.

It also made me feel like maybe we aren’t ready to take the plunge. Their kids were running all over the place in different directions . . . and it looked e.x.h.a.u.s.t.i.n.g -- LOL. I mean, there’s a reason we waited until Ada was 2.5 to start trying for a second. There are definite advantages of Ada being in school and being home with Eloise alone most of the time. Interestingly enough, I get mistaken for a first-time mom a lot of the time.

// Life

Anyway, life is good. There’s probably a ton I’ve left out. I am trying to take more photos with my DSLR lately. I used to do photography for friends and friends of friends, but I doubt I’d do it again. Still, my skills have atrophied quite a bit, so I’d love to be a good self-taught family photo-taker.

On that note:


Thanks for reading!

I am hoping to get two more posts up this week. One is our winter bucket list and the other is my holiday gift ideas for kids. I have some creative ideas for small budgets this year. Our furnace repairs really dug into any money we had for gifts. Ah, life just costs money at every turn. We are still blessed with so many other things, though. Perspective is key.

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Weirdest TTC Tricks

A lot of our TTC journey for Eloise was pretty dark, you know? But there were some moments we just had to laugh. I spent countless hours on forums sussing out the best techniques to get and stay pregnant. I mean, there's some insane stuff out there. I thought it would be interesting to share the wackiest methods I found, some of which I tried . . . and others I didn't. But I'll leave the guessing up to you.

Disclaimer: This is not medical advice. I am simply sharing the TTC tricks I have found from the bellows of the internet in my most maddening times of infertility/recurrent miscarriage. Please discuss taking any supplements and doing anything else drastic to change your routine with your doctor.

Pre-Seed Lube

Want to get pregnant fast? Pre-Seed Lubricant has you covered. Other lubricants may actually hinder the sperm's journey, but Pre-Seed gets those swimmers where they need to go in record time. This stuff is pricey, but it boasts a "clinically-proven" reputation, apparently mimics your own fluids, and may even help support sperm quality. Some women in TTC forums (you know -- infertility lore) believe this stuff helps more abnormal sperm get to the egg, increasing chances of miscarriage.

Instead Softcups

You know the Diva Cup and Luna Cup? Well, there's a disposable version of this period-catching device called the Instead Soft Cups. Women across the web explain that you can insert these guys after having sex to help keep the sperm next to the cervix, supposedly greatly increasing chances of conception. Not only that, some say they have their partner, uh, deposit into the cup and then insert if there's no time to do the deed on an important day (some same-sex couples even used this method to help with donor sperm).

Ovulation Kits

Using OPKs, as they are affectionately called in short-hand, isn't too weird. It's taking them multiple times a day -- 3 or 4 times -- that's the trick. Women say you can miss your surge unless you're really keeping track. Some believe the surge shows up most in the morning urine. Others say in the afternoon. Whatever the case, these strips measure the LH hormone that is present during ovulation. When the test line is darker than the control, it means ovulation will happen within a day or so. My advice? Use cheap test strips versus the electronic versions. The fancy and expensive type with smiley faces were confusing. My friend gave me a TON of her leftover cheapies, and I took them to my heart's content until I got pregnant with Eloise.

Maca

Word on the street is that taking this popular health food -- Maca Powder -- may do a number of things to help your chances of getting pregnant -- fast. Some women say it immediately helps balance their hormones and makes ovulation stronger. It may also increase libido, all while having some benefits for men with regard to fertility and virility. Others report that they stop ovulating while taking it. And some others say it worked for them after the second or third month of taking it.

Royal Jelly

I will fully admit I definitely did the Royal Jelly thing. Why am I sharing that I did this one? I believe it may work. I actually learned about it from a reader. What is it? Well, it's a supplement made from a secretion made by honey bees intended to nourish their larvae. It tastes like honey. The two months I used Royal Jelly (Stephen did, too!), I got pregnant. The first ended in a miscarriage and the second ended in Eloise. I took a heaping teaspoon in the morning and at night. Then I stopped taking it in the two-week wait. Both of the months I took it, my ovulation felt very strong and happened many days earlier (day 16 and -- on the month Eloise was conceived -- day 14 versus day 18-20).

Seed Cycling

I wrote a post about Seed Cycling a while back. Here's installment I and installment II for your reading pleasure. The idea here is that you may balance your hormones (estrogen/progesterone) by eating certain seeds at different times in your cycle. You eat one tablespoon each ground flax and pumpkin seeds in day 1 of your cycle through ovulation. Then you eat one tablespoon each ground sunflower seeds and sesame seeds from ovulation through your period. Yes. You can probably tell I am admitting I tried this trick, too. I put the seeds in a morning smoothie. I got pregnant with Eloise the month I did it. Who knows!

Progesterone Cream

Progesterone Cream seems like a favorite baby-sticking trick for women who may not qualify to get prescription progesterone supplements. Some women with PCOS even report using it to try and suppress ovulation for several months in hopes of making a stronger ovulation. You simply apply the cream to different parts of your body to try and supplement your body's own stores. This trick is often brought up in forums among women who have had multiple miscarriages -- people seem to either swear by it or say it totally does nothing compared to prescription supplements.

Temperature via Vag

I've written about tracking basal body temperature using a special thermometer. I do think this method works because it helps you see what your body might be up to ovulation-wise. I was even able to "predict" an early miscarriage this way. Basically, many women get a temp spike around ovulation each month. In the second phase of your cycle, progesterone in your body keeps temps high. If they don't plummet, you may be pregnant. If they do, you'll likely get your period. Anyway, the trick here is that taking the temperature in your vagina -- yes, just do it -- is way more effective than taking it in your mouth. You can learn so much about this whole thing in the bestselling book Taking Charge of Your Fertility.

Ferning

You can also buy a special Ferning Microscope to help monitor when ovulation might occur. You put your saliva in the scope and then look at it. When it create a ferning pattern, it's time to get busy. This tool gets mixed reviews. It's the size of a lipstick case, so it's easy to take wherever you're going. And it is potentially very helpful if you have irregular cycles and have absolutely no idea when you might ovulate based on the calendar.

Alternative Medicine, etc.

Some women think getting a chiropractic adjustment got them pregnant. Others say it's acupuncture that helped balance their chi and helped their body accept a pregnancy. I believe taking on a regular yoga practice lowered my stress levels and -- possibly -- helping me conceive. (Though, I do not believe that stress causes miscarriage ONE BIT.) What I want to add with this bullet is that if you're in the terrible trenches of a long TTC journey, you'll probably run across a lot of articles -- like this one -- where women SWEAR that X, Y, or Z made it SO EASY.

I am not trying to diminish anyone's feelings, but there are several camps of TTC-ers you'll encounter. What you may come across most often are women who don't get pregnant the very first month they try . . . that "miraculously" get pregnant by trying a number of popular tricks within a couple months. The thing is, it often takes several months for healthy couples to conceive naturally. So, many hints and secrets you come across need to be taken with a double margarita, rim lined with lots of salt.


I hope you found this post interesting. Like I said, I cannot say these things work or don't work. Sometimes just trying something can help you get through the madness and feel like you have some control when, in reality, maybe you really don't. Some of these things, like eating seeds, don't seem to hurt. Others, like taking hormonal creams, might. So, again. Discuss any big changes to your routine with your doctor. 

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More Thoughts on the More Kids Question

I feel like I JUST wrote a post all about how we're not ready to think about having more kids. (Oh, I did. It's right here.) And -- really -- it isn't like we've made any decisions. We aren't trying anytime soon or closing up shop. I still haven't gotten my cycle back after Eloise, for example. We only recently started sleeping through (a good part of) the night.

Still, this question has been coming up more more. This time, it isn't from other people. It's in my own head. So, I thought I'd share my current thoughts on the matter.

As confusing as they may be:



Also! I know some of you cannot watch videos (while you're checking blogs at work, etc.) or would prefer to not watch videos. I'm not planning to share them quite this frequently (I've been doing two a week) forever and ever. Instead, I'm trying to create a habit. Vlogging is something I like doing, but it takes a lot more foresight and work. Thanks for your patience!

And if you like the videos -- great! That makes me happy. What else would you like to see? I did an Overtone hair color conditioner review a while back that seems to be sort of popular. People also seemed to like when I did a cooking video in my kitchen. Let me know! I'm going to also do more written content over here, including more recipes and the like.

Anyway, I'd love to know how you approached the more kids or done-having-kids thing in your own family. There are days when I feel like YES, we DEFINITELY would want to have another one. And then others -- like today, when Eloise will not nap for anything -- where I question my sanity and think #NOPENOPENOPE.

Hard to believe this was ME last year at 16 weeks pregnant!

We are both so incredible thankful for the two beautiful girls we already have as well.


It's just a complicated beast of a family decision, is it not? And, as I mention in the video, sometimes it isn't a decision at all. It can just happen or, on the flip side, not happen. Ah, life.

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Actively Trying

Skip this post if you don’t want to read period talk, stuff about my ovaries, etc.

I often have trouble making sense of our TTC journey. I was diagnosed with infertility last year (the inability to get/stay pregnant over the course of a year). The thing is, I got pregnant a whopping four times in the span of 16 months. I’d read of similar struggles on birth boards or even hear from friends “at least you know you can get pregnant.” And while that’s certainly true and half the battle, it put me in a hard spot with knowing how to feel about recurrent pregnancy loss.

Anyway, since I’m an open book on these matters, I thought I’d answer some of the questions I have received about trying to conceive, our process, and what things we did to help along the way. It’s a lot of information, so today I’m going to cover why we started “actively trying” so soon into the process -- as well as what that means exactly (because I didn’t know at the time).

Then I’ll have a few additional posts, roughly divided into these topics:

• Charting 101
• The Weird Stuff
• Two Week Waits
• Surviving Early + Recurrent Loss

We started trying to conceive in early June 2014. As many teacher-families do, we were trying to get pregnant soon before or at the same time that Stephen might be out for the summer. This gave us a good 4 months to conceive, and with my history of conceiving successfully on the first try -- I felt overly confident (cocky!) we’d meet our “goal” easily. I’d been tracking my cycles for a few years, mostly just fertile signs (like cervical mucus, ovary pain, etc.), recording my suspected day of ovulation, and then when I’d get my period each month. My cycles weren’t too irregular, but my suspected ovulation would be anywhere between day 12-18, so each month was different.

When we didn’t get pregnant the first two months by timing intercourse this way (lots of CM = do it now!), I wasn’t thrilled. Looking back, I want to slap myself for getting so upset so easily. The thing is, it’s a common feeling. I give myself a break there. Still, we made the important decision to start actively trying versus just not preventing.

It was indeed a quick jump, but -- like I said -- we had wanted to try to conceive by a certain time (working from home and having Stephen around is a good scenario!). I also suspected something might be up with my body because -- as I was tracking my cycles more carefully -- I noticed I was spotting only 8-9 days after my suspected ovulation for several days before my period would start.

What is Actively Trying?

There’s a group called ACTIVELY TRYING: The Next Level on BabyCenter, I learned about them the deeper we got into TTC. They define actively trying as being “beyond just having sex to TTC.” The thing is, couples can just have sex all they want and time it incorrectly. If the sperm isn’t there to meet the egg at the right time, all bets are off. So, “actively trying” means you’re using other methods to determine when ovulation is happening to get the best results.

These “other methods” might include:

• Using ovulation predictor kits (OPKs)*
• Temperature charting (above)*
• Recording secondary fertile signs (CM, etc.)
• Doing monitored cycles, IUI, IVF, etc.

* Usually to be in the actively trying category, you do both OPKs + temperature charting at minimum. 

Since I suspected that something might be slightly off about my cycles, I decided I wanted to gather more data to see if it was all just in my head. When I got pregnant with Ada, my cycles were relatively clockwork. I’d have ovulation around day 15/16 with a period following 13-14 days later.

When I realized that wasn’t at all my pattern this time around, I wondered what was up. My periods had also been a lot heavier, more clotty, much more painful, and just, well, different since they returned 16 months after having Ada. I figured it was normal to have changes after having children. I hadn’t fully noticed how different they were until we started TTC because we had a lot on our plates with Ada’s surgery that whole year before and then with our house move.

(Interpreting OPKs, which measure luteinizing hormone or LH)

Positive!

Anyway, I started doing loose temperature charting (I am not a great sleeper and wake up all different times of the night and morning -- so I’d miss some days but keep a general graph), tracking all my fertile signs, and using ovulation predictor kits. It paid off. We got a positive test in early September . . . only to be followed by a really (!!!) heavy period after several days of what I thought was just implantation spotting. That’s something else I should mention: Whenever I have tested positive for pregnancy while trying for #2, it’s been as early as 10 to 11 days past ovulation. I’ll get to this more in the post about two week waits.

By this time, I was confused. I’d never experienced anything like this before. What a cruel joke. I decided to make an appointment with my midwife to discuss my concerns. I told her about the positive test, I explained how my cycles -- for me -- seemed off, and I told her that we were actively trying. She brushed it off as bad luck (which is what I wanted to believe, too) and said we hadn’t been doing anything long enough to really investigate yet. Keep and eye on it and return back if things continued on after actively trying for a total of six months.

Try Again

So, that’s what we did. For the next couple months, I started to notice that my OPKs were positive for many days in a row but my temperature wouldn’t really climb that high after I suspected ovulation. My ovaries would not just ache but be in mega-pain around when I thought ovulation should be happening. I’d get spotting for up to 5 days before my periods. My periods continued to be clotty and weird. I had a bunch of other strange hormonal symptoms, too. Like a week after “ovulation” I’d get really sharp pains that reminded me of when I was pregnant with Ada (I felt implantation with her very distinctly!). I’d have lots of weird “signs” of pregnancy that I didn’t normally get (sore breasts, nausea, dizziness, etc.), but no positive tests.

By January, we had reached the actively trying for six months milestone. (That was a guideline the midwife had given me for making an appointment, since when you’re timing things -- you, in theory, should have success sooner. I felt silly going in so soon, but a lot of what I read said to be proactive about your fertility if you were tracking things carefully.)

I asked to see a fertility specialist because of all the symptoms I was having. We met, and he agreed that things didn’t at all sound normal. We decided to do a round of initial infertility blood work, a sperm analysis for Stephen, and he asked me to keep even more detailed charts including temperatures for every single day despite when I’d wake up, etc.

And a week or so later, I found out I was pregnant again.

Positive #2!

Since I was seeing the specialist, I went in for blood work to see if my levels were doubling. They were and everything looked good at the start. His protocol meant I’d go in for an ultrasound just shy of 6 weeks. You guys know how this pregnancy turned out.

We had an e.x.t.r.e.m.e.l.y slow miscarriage. It would have been a missed miscarriage (MMC) had we not had all the weekly monitoring. I had tremendous morning sickness the whole time and wouldn’t have suspected the pregnancy wasn’t going well. Instead, we watched the heartbeat slowly fade away for weeks. At a few days shy of 10 weeks, I had a D&C and was told to take off 3 cycles. One of these cycles was only 15 days long -- score (insert sarcasm face -- but cycles after miscarriage can be wonky)!

We were trying again by early June, and I was convinced that it would be our month. My charting skills had greatly improved. I noticed that even if I didn’t wake up exactly at the same time each morning, the trend in the temps were still good enough to show me that something was weird with ovulation. I’d still get several days of positive ovulation tests followed by a really slow temperature climb, not a jump like I had seen in the Fertility Friend galleries. I had even more pain during this ovulation period. Then I saw a big correlation for when my temperature would drop and my spotting would begin.

But the doctor said to try for at least three months of actively trying before seeing him again. So, admittedly, three months of our 16-month journey were taken “off”. But the waiting was so difficult as the many bellies around me grew and other pregnancy/birth announcements mounted. I used the time to become a charting pro, I started taking my temps vaginally (TMI but it works so much better!), and I noticed my cycles did take some time to regulate after the procedure.

Positive #3!

In September, we got yet another positive test. I was thrilled. How could bad luck strike THREE times?! No way. But then my pregnancy test line started to disappear. A digital read a mean old “NO!” several days after my initial positive. So, I went in to get the blood work and quickly found out that my progesterone levels were rock bottom, my HcG levels were decreasing, and I -- yet again -- was having a chemical pregnancy. I was put on progesterone to see if the hormone could salvage anything, but I started bleeding a little over a week later.

I was beside myself with confusion. I was starting to wonder if I had a bigger medical issue. Even when you lose babies early, it hurts. It’s a whole month, months, year+ that you’re living on this roller coaster. The time accumulates to a crushing weight. I kept asking myself why this was happening to me. I started this process when I was 30! Why was my body not able to do what it should do? Especially when getting pregnant with Ada had been so easy?

What I’ve learned throughout my experiences is that someone’s loss at 5 weeks can be just as weighty as one at 10 weeks or more, and so on. You should never diminish or belittle someone’s feelings about these matters because you rarely know the whole story.

Actively Trying: About More Than Just + Tests

I share all this stuff today because I am really glad that I decided to be an advocate for my reproductive health. I knew something was wrong early on, but instead of just trying and praying it would work out or go away, etc., I wanted answers. Actively trying enabled us to get pregnant by improving our timing significantly. Since our timing was good, I’d get pregnant often (and, yes, that also makes me just lucky because you can chart, do OPKs, etc., and not get pregnant) . . . and then miscarry, which was the information my doctor needed to see that something really was going on with my body despite clean blood work and other testing.

Had I not been tracking, I might not have known much of anything was going on.

The thing is that . . . no. We didn’t get deep into the trenches with infertility treatments, so sometimes I really feel like a joke saying I had infertility. It’s a deep insecurity because I know so many people face such difficult circumstances and continue to face them. But I share because I know a lot of people are going through similar situations. So far, we think/hope/pray our story will have a happy ending.

After having the third loss, my doctor decided that since my losses were unexplained that we would try progesterone (5 days after ovulation, right before my temperature would usually start to plummet) and baby aspirin. It’s sort of a bandaid approach when you don’t know what else is wrong. Then we got pregnant right away and -- so far -- these things have helped up get to almost the halfway point.

My doctor thinks possibly my ovulation was weak or that I had a hormone imbalance that wasn’t showing up or possibly a slight clotting disorder. We will likely never know. I did a lot of other things along with the help from the doctor that I will go into on another post. The month we got pregnant with this baby, I had a huge temperature spike on my chart. I also ovulated with just ONE day of positive OPK. I was pinching myself at my “normal” it all seemed.

There are days when I’m still convinced that something bigger is wrong and it will all disappear.

But that’s a whole different story.

Takeaway

So, you haven’t been trying for a full year (or if you have) and something about your body seems just . . . wrong. Or you’ve been actively trying for six months. Or you have any other reason to think that something is up. SEE YOUR DOCTOR. If you have a good one, he/she won’t dismiss your concerns. It’s even better if you have information to back up your worries. Actively trying, for me, helped us prove that -- despite having cycles that fell within normal ranges -- my body wasn’t normal. The doctors want this kind of information.

Give yourself the power to at least see what’s going on if you’re concerned. You can do this all cheaply and, in some cases, for free. I bought a simple basal temperature thermometer and downloaded the free Fertility Friend app. I also bought ovulation predictor strips on Amazon for cheap. These things will give you so much information, and they’re easy to learn and add to your daily schedule.

Thanks for reading this super long post. I hope it was somewhat helpful! If you have more questions, I’d be happy to answer them, I realize I wasn’t able to touch on absolutely everything . . . and I’ve probably left out some major stuff. But I did the best I could to get a general overview of why I feel this is such an important thing.

Happy Thursday!

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Flicker of Light

When we arrived at the office for my ultrasound, my heart starting racing. I hadn’t been back to the office since everything with the miscarriage and D&C. But I immediately saw a friendly face. The tech who did all my ultrasounds in the spring was there, and it helped me feel at least somewhat more comfortable. We checked in and waited only a few minutes before getting called into the room.

The tech asked me when I last got my period and calculated my due date (6/26/16). Then I held my breath because I am supposed to be 5 weeks and 4 days today. In the spring, I was also supposed to be exactly this far along, but all we saw was a gestational sack and yolk that measured maybe 5 weeks at best. In the following ultrasounds the dates continued to lag despite eventually finding a heartbeat until one day when the heart just stopped beating.

The minute she placed the probe, we saw the gestational sack and yolk and -- in a blink -- I was able to see a tiny fetal pole. That’s what I had hoped beyond hope I would be able to see today. I couldn't contain myself and started tearing up as I took my first deep breath in hours. The pole measured 5 weeks and 4 days. Not only that -- there was a flicker of light. That’s right! Though it’s e.x.t.r.e.m.e.l.y early, our baby has a heartbeat. We can’t measure it yet, but none of us were expecting to see it this soon.

I met with my fertility doctor after the ultrasound and asked him about a million and one questions.

He told me I’m not considered high risk. I asked if I should see an OB versus a midwife this time along and he said to choose who I wanted, even recommended a midwife and said that since the practice has OBs, that I can ask questions or switch anytime I want. As far as running and other activity, he said I can do any exercise besides horseback riding. No activity has definitively been linked to miscarriage.

While things are still painfully early, this is the best pregnancy I’ve had this year. Everything is looking great and I’m hoping it will continue this trend. We’re taking this one day at a time. I took a super slow two mile jog in celebration. I think I may have even had my very first wave of nausea today. Bring it on. I just wanted to share this quick update. Anything can happen, but this appointment was a huge hurdle I needed to cross.

Thanks for all your encouraging words and kind notes.

They mean to much to me and my family.

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My Due Date // Coincidences

I’ve been quiet lately in all areas of my life. I didn’t know if I wanted to write anything about why, but you guys know me. I can’t keep quiet. Here it is: I’m having a hard time approaching the due date of our spring pregnancy. I had Ada at 38 weeks, so it’s heartbreaking knowing we might have possibly been holding that baby by now. Our due date was Thursday the 29th.

And in a blink . . . that date is basically here already.

Chemical pregnancies aren’t better or worse, but I didn’t see a heartbeat with those. I didn’t see a fetal pole or embryo. I didn’t have morning sickness. No D&C or horrible complications. They sort of just came and went and didn’t do anything more than temporarily lift and then ultimately crush our spirits. Like a bad dream.

To complicate things, I found out I’m pregnant two weeks ago. Yes. It’s true. For the fourth time this year. Last month when I got the positive, the joy was short-lived. My test basically went negative in two days. I thought it couldn’t possibly happen 3 times, so I got very excited. This time, my hCG has been rising appropriately (every 35 hours), but -- it did with my baby who was due this week, so it’s giving me little comfort. I feel disturbingly neutral.

If you’re getting whiplash from all these pregnancy announcements, I don’t blame you. Feel free to skip this sort of stuff. I feel crazy and foolish. I debated sharing for the last two weeks because who knows how it will turn out. With my history, it isn’t looking great. At the same time, I’m not the type who can post a cornbread recipe with all this stuff going on in the background. Though I’m trying to chug along and will hopefully get back to “normal” writing soon.

Things that are different this month:

My doctor has been asking me all along to keep close track of everything. Had I not caught last month’s chemical, he may not have prescribed 200 mg of progesterone starting at 5 days after I ovulated (not orally, if you catch my drift) twice a day. I have also been taking baby aspirin since before conception. I hear mixed experiences about the efficacy of this treatment plan for recurrent pregnancy loss. So, at least if things don’t go well again, we’ll know that we need to dig deeper. The progesterone gives me heart palpitations but otherwise I don’t have enhanced pregnancy symptoms.

In fact, I have fewer than usual. But that’s a story for another day.

Strangely enough -- and without any sort of messing from me -- my first ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday. That’s right. The 29th. My due date. A weird coincidence? A sign from the universe? And get this -- I’ll be 5 weeks and 4 days, just like my first ultrasound with that pregnancy. I’m feeling anxious. I’m scared it’s going to go down exactly as it did in March. The dates will look off  from the start even though I’m sure of them, we’ll have to wait and wait and wait and wait some more.

I know I should try to have more hope, but it’s immensely difficult. I keep reminding myself that today I am pregnant. That’s all I can do. Of course, I’ll update when I can, but I had to get it off my chest. I could use any and all of your good vibes if you’re willing to send them my way. Thanks as always for your sensitivity and understanding.

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Thoughts On Sibling Age Gaps

Blogging is really hard through all this infertility stuff. Not because of what I’m sharing. I like being upfront and honest. Plus, it’s hard to not share what’s going on in our lives. It’s just the nature of the blogging beast. However, I have to admit it's been especially hard for me lately because for each pregnant person I encounter in real life . . . there are like 10,000 or more bloggers/etc. who are pregnant or have gaggles of kids.

I try not to look. 

I try not to care. 

(Seriously. I don’t even know these people!)

I try to just do me. 

But as we approach October, it’s wearing on me. I dropped Ada off at preschool the other morning (in the midst of my latest miscarriage) and one of her sweet teachers from last year saw my stroller and said: “Oh! Who’s that in there? Ada said last year that you were expecting a baby!” And I just about lost it right there in the parking lot.

So much time has passed, and we’re just standing still. I am starting to feel like a barren alien.

You see, I used to have all these ideals and ideas surrounding age gaps. We knew we didn’t want to have kids back-to-back, so we planned originally to wait until Ada’s second birthday to start casually trying. Well, her surgery and recovery sort of sucked up most of the year. I don’t regret waiting, and we weren’t in a rush. TTC during all that would have been difficult if not impossible -- life happens, plans (hah!) change. 

And I certainly took my previous show of fertility for granted. Of course a baby would be waiting in the wings for us precisely when we were ready.

Right?

This is a long way to say we always wanted a three to four year age gap. By now, those possibilities have come and gone, and I’m (miraculously) feeling much more relaxed about the whole thing. My friends will probably tell you otherwise because I was absolutely o.b.s.e.s.s.e.d with it for a while. Looking back, I was actually just obsessed with why it wasn’t working out, why we kept losing pregnancies, and feeling some major desperation. I was also quite jealous since it seemed other families were able to “choose” their gaps. Heck, there are tons of articles written on the subject, entire forums dedicated to finding the “perfect” gap, etc.

Whenever I see a family at the store or otherwise out and about, I absolutely delight when I see larger gaps. Like, it gives me this HUGE boost. We’re mostly surrounded by kids with 2 to 3 year gaps. Many closer together as well. So, I feel like a hunter in the wild. “Stephen! I saw this family today with a girl who looked about age 8 and a baby!” Or “Did you see those kids? There’s GOT to be at least six years between them!” 

At this stage, I’m much less concerned with the size of the gap. Though, I’d be lying if I told you time doesn’t feel like some immense weight in all of this. I have watched so darned many pregnancies from start to finish and keep waiting (and waiting and waiting) for my turn. In other words: I’m more worried there won’t be an age gap at all. (Again, we are so incredibly blessed with Ada. Please don’t get me wrong. Secondary infertility is such a tricky subject. I am constantly reminding myself that I am grateful and blessed while still not feeling our family is complete.)

So, here it is. If you want another baby, try to have another baby. Don’t fret over perfect or right or what your friends are doing (so, so, so hard!). Don’t take your fertility for granted. Don’t spend hours researching or worrying your time away. But -- on the flip side -- don’t gloat about designing your perfect family. No one wants to hear that.

In the end, all gaps tell stories. Some are longer and have more chapters than others. And what works for one family (or, rather, happens) might not work or work out for yours.

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The Girl Who Cried “Pregnant!"

It’s hard to even know what to say at this point.

Last September we had a chemical pregnancy after a while of trying for baby number 2. I thought it was the absolute worst experience ever. What a joke. Second line on the test for a few days. Then . . . it disappeared. Surely it was a fluke. Everyone told me I’d be more fertile after the miscarriage, but it took another six months to get pregnant again with “perfect” timing.

When we got pregnant again in February, I felt much more optimistic. The line kept getting darker. I had symptoms! I even got wicked morning sickness for weeks on end. This was IT, I thought. How could lightning strike twice? I even saw the heartbeat on ultrasound a few times. And then we lost that one, too, but it was so much more painful and complicated emotionally and physically.

And now I’m going through my third loss in a year. Again, it’s a chemical pregnancy. I got a positive test the day I was due with my period. Several days later, I noticed the line wasn’t as strong. My levels were at a measly 12 yesterday. The doctor -- optimistic -- put me on progesterone supplementation, but the test went stark white negative this morning -- it’s just delaying the inevitable.

Autumn used to be my favorite season, but I can’t quite say it is anymore. Especially this year as my due date looms in late October. It isn’t to say that my chemical pregnancies mean less to me, but I didn’t have much tangible with them. They were there and then they weren’t. Like a bad dream. I thought for sure I’d be pregnant by Halloween. The idea was holding my sanity together.

I used to feel so above this infertility thing. Ada resulted from just one try the first month we thought we might want a baby. I didn’t understand or appreciate the difficulty. I didn’t understand or appreciate the emotional strain. And with my own current situation, I can no longer accept this trend as simple statistics or the fact that I’m now 30/31/32 versus 27 and it’s just part of the deal.

It feels all too personal now.

Obviously I’ll be working closely with my fertility doctor (and regular physician) from now moving forward. I’ll probably chat about it from time to time on the blog, but I’m growing tired of TTC being everything I eat, live, and breathe. I mean, I am totally sick of being the girl who cried “pregnant!” And then bumming everyone out. I don’t want to be this obsessively charting or tracking crazy person, but there’s good reason that I should. Relaxing won’t help in our situation, no matter how much yoga* I do or how many green smoothies I suck down.

At the same time, I consciously left my full-time job to work from home and be a mom. It was a hard decision, but one I wholeheartedly embraced. This feels like a huge slap in the face and it actually making me have a bit of an identity crisis. Do I go back to work full-time? Do I give up and accept that we’re destined to only have one child? These are obviously questions I should probably bring to a therapist. And before you suggest it, I’ve already been browsing around.

I’ve finally taken down the crib and packed away all the baby stuff I had prematurely stationed in the (hopefully someday?) nursery. I couldn’t look at it anymore. I want to believe I’ll need it all again. That is, if most of it isn’t recalled or expired by then. Secondary infertility is just . . . so . . . draining. I love Ada more than anything in the world, and I so much appreciate this amazing opportunity to be a mom. I just never envisioned my life taking this path.

And I’m so sorry if you’re right there with me/us.

* As an aside, lately when I go to start my calming + restorative yoga routines on YouTube, I’m greeted with a nice long ad for Plan B. Holy cow, if I have to see that one again! I mean, seriously!

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Seed Cycling // Phase Two

(TMI Warning: If you don’t like TTC or menstrual cycle talk, skip this post. Also: I’m not claiming anything I’m doing works or doesn’t work -- it’s all an adventure.)

Today I started my second batch of seeds for Seed Cycling. To recap: Seed cycling might have the power to help regulate hormones. In the first half of your cycle (pre-ovulation), you consume 1 tablespoon of ground flax seeds and pumpkin seeds each day. In the second half (post-ovulation), you consume ground sesame seeds and sunflower kernels each day.

Here are my seeds:

I didn’t plan on writing an update so soon, but I definitely have noticed a few things, so I figured I’d share. Now, I am not doing seed cycling in isolation this month. I’ve sort of put myself on a mini bootcamp of sorts to see if I could help with my late (for me) ovulation and premenstrual symptoms. You see, I was always an ovulate between cycle day 15 to 16 sort of gal. I was that way when I got pregnant with Ada on our first try. And even though I wasn’t charting years ago, all the fertile signs pointed to those days consistently. I think I also had a 12 to 13 day luteal phase back then.

This past year (well, over that now) my cycles were really erratic. I mean, it started before TTC and got really bad last fall. I was ovulating one month on cycle day 11 and the next on cycle day 20, another on cycle day 13 and the next on cycle day 17. This isn’t awfully abnormal because I’ve read it’s “OK” to ovulate before day 21 . . . but the inconsistency worried me.

When I conceived in the winter, I ovulated on cycle day 20. My luteal phase during all this time had been around 10 to 11 days but I was spotting starting around 8 to 9 days, sometimes more. Very strange. No one ever told me why. I had lots of tests. Then when I got pregnant, it didn’t seem to impact stuff. Even when I miscarried, my body held onto the pregnancy, so it seemed progesterone wasn’t an issue.

Ever since the miscarriage and D+C, my ovulation has been between 18 and 20 days consistently for about five months. So, I guess it’s good there’s a regular pattern, but it definitely felt like my body wanted to ovulate sooner. I’d get lots of pains, fertile mucous (sorry!), and weird, erratic temperature patterns despite taking my temp the preferred way. I have no idea what exactly is working . . . but this month I got a positive OPK on cycle day 13! And with a notable temp shift this morning (and monitoring various other signs), I’m pretty sure I ovulated this month on cycle day 15.

FIFTEEN!

Holy moly. That’s awesome.

Along with seed cycling this month, I’m doing a few other “new” things to help regulate myself. Like I wrote at the start of this post, I don’t know if any of this is actually working or if my body is totally in control. I’d like to think there’s a connection. Regardless, I see these things as stuff that will improve my overall health -- not just reproduction -- so, why not?

• I’m taking Rainbow Light Prenatals daily
• I’m drinking a green smoothie almost every day
• I’m avoiding gluten, but not totally abstaining
• I’m avoiding sugar, but not totally abstaining
• I’m following this 10K plan, so running approximately 15 miles a week
• I’m doing yoga 5 to 6 times a week between 15 minutes to 1 hour
• I am taking a couple teaspoons of Royal Jelly each day*
• I’m drinking tons of water and herbal tea
• I’m upping my protein with Greek yogurt, eggs, beans, lentils, oats, etc.
• I’ve been drinking only a glass of wine or so on weekends

* A reader suggested this to me on Facebook. Stephen and I have both been taking it this month. It tastes like honey. It’s supposedly a superfood and great for fertility. I figure it can’t hurt much. Has lots of B vitamins.


So, I don’t know. Either something or some combination of things is working. Or my body is just being nice this month. I’m not really sure and won’t know until future cycles. I’m hoping my cycle will continue to regulate, and I’ll be interested to see if my luteal phase lengthens at all this month. Since the miscarriage, it’s been around 11 days with a little time on the 12th day before a half day or less of spotting. It’s better than in the fall, so that’s good.

I have a question for those of you who have tried Royal Jelly.

Do you take it your entire cycle? I hear it promotes estrogen. I also hear it’s fine your entire cycle. Other places cite that it’s good throughout pregnancy. Other places say you need to give your digestive system a rest every 15 days. Right now, I decided to take half while I figure it out.

I’ll continue to share my results with seed cycling and other stuff. I hope this is interesting and even helpful to some of you with similar struggles!


And if you’re looking for an easy way to grind your seeds -- use your COFFEE GRINDER (here’s the one we have)! I don’t know why I didn’t start doing this until now. The seeds get really nice + powdery. Perfect for blending into smoothies. My friend Ellie shared that a wonderful way to clean out your grinder is with some uncooked rice.

Happy Wednesday!

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The Thing About Secondary Infertility

No news here. I’m sure you figured that from the title. Anyway, I had a good last couple months mentally about this trying thing. I’ve actually felt confident and centered around TTC. I’ve been charting, using OPKs (finally, FINALLY found some that work for me), noting other important signs, having impeccable timing, and relaxing about the whole thing (which sounds impossible with all that tracking, but somehow it happened, at least somewhat).

My temperature plummeted yesterday morning, so I know where we stand for this month.

Ugh.

I’ve been having all these thoughts lately. The longer I travel on the road of secondary infertility, the more I feel unsure about the future. Ada’s quick conception and (relatively) uncomplicated pregnancy was indeed a blessing. It was also a curse, because I surely believed I knew my body and what to expect from this process. You track your cycle, do you what you need to do around ovulation, and get pregnant right away (or at least within a few months). 9 months later, you have a baby.

At least that’s how it worked the first time.

Now? I have no idea what is going on. I feel like I’ll never be pregnant or carry to term again. I’m losing confidence in myself and my body. I feel a lot of doubt and skepticism.

The thing about secondary infertility is that you’re in a sort of no man’s land. Even doctors and nurses have said to me “well, you know you can conceive and carry a pregnancy . . . so it will happen.” I get it. And the statistics are stacked in our favor on this. But as the months and years drag on, I’m becoming less sure of this “fact.” It makes everything feel so much more isolating.

Also: Having a kid already somehow makes my feelings about this process less valid to others. “Well, you’re blessed to have Ada,” is something I hear regularly. That’s the most obnoxious of all. Of course I’m smitten with my daughter. But that doesn’t necessarily make this easier.

I dreaded going into the school year without my BFP. I’ll admit I don’t have the purest thoughts sometimes when I’m around lots of moms with babies and hoards of kids. I still feel sadness, anger, and a big green jealousy. Now I’ll be taking Ada to a baby-laced gauntlet each and every morning. Of course, that’s incredibly, overly dramatic, but it feels like they’re coming at me from every direction.

You know when you get a new car and you all of a sudden notice that everyone else is driving that car? It’s sort of like that with pregnancy. Lately I’ve been running into so many pregnant October mamas. As that month draws closer, I feel pretty darned empty. I am coping in my own way, and I’m probably making it all sound way more intense than it actually feels. I am just starting to wonder how long this will take . . . if it ever happens again. Or if it happens, if I’ll just miscarry again.

The thing about secondary infertility is that it sucks as much as regular infertility, but I don’t feel like I can fully express my frustration or sadness without seeming ungrateful. Or greedy. Or mentally unstable. I feel like I shouldn’t want this second baby so badly because we’re already blessed. And then there’s the part where I can’t exactly get away from my countless bins of baby clothes. The long-forgotten baby swing and bouncer in my garage. There are so many constant reminders of the state of my vacant uterus.

I’m going to have to toughen up for what’s ahead, and I’ve accepted that.

As far as what we’re doing moving forward. Stephen is finally going to get tested. My doctor doesn’t seem to think it’s necessary, but I’d have greater peace of mind being able to check him off the list. If I don’t get pregnant next month, I’d like to meet with my doctor again. He said to wait another 6 months, but I don’t feel right having zero interaction.

If I simply wasn’t getting pregnant, that would be one thing -- but I still can’t figure out why it was so hard the last time only to end in miscarriage. There might not be a reason. Still, I’m hoping there might be most tests (HSG, more comprehensive thyroid, etc.) to take. Or something. Anything.

So, that’s the update. Wish it was a happier one. Hope those of you who are TTCing are having better luck than we are. If you’re not, you’re certainly not alone.

xoxo


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Green Light // TTC

So, all my blood work (CD3, CD21, etc.) turned up completely normal in my first round of infertility testing. I spoke with my doctor’s assistant last week and -- unless I don’t get pregnant in the next six months -- we're free to just try and wait and see. It’s been over a year with a chemical pregnancy and missed miscarriage, so I would be lying if I said I’m 100 percent cool with this advice. At the same time, we did get pregnant on our own (which is a huge hurdle in itself) and . . . since nothing is glaringly wrong, we could just be victims of really bad luck.

I’m trying hard to start this first cycle of trying again with a relaxed attitude. It’s not easy with my personality and everything we’ve now been through. I want nothing more than to be pregnant again. I’m happy we waited a few months, because now it isn’t about replacing what we lost . . . it’s just moving forward with the process. And who knows how long it might take. Or if it will stick. I’m trying not to lose my mind because I realize many people have been trying much longer. Still, I guess I had hoped that something would have stuck out as a problem so we could fix it.

Since that’s not the case, I’m doing what I can do. I’m trying to help my body and our chances the best I can, though I know and truly now believe so much of the fertility and baby-making process is pure luck. I mean, have you guys seen The Great Sperm Race? It’s incredible babies are conceived successfully at all!



Anyway, I did a little self-research. I looked into the habits I had when I got pregnant with Ada. And a couple things surprised me. First, I had been “detoxing” for a few weeks and eating really clean, lots of fruits and veggies, and drinking tons of water. Second, I was coming off my double marathon training season where I ended up getting a horrible IT-band injury that had limited my running for almost three months. I was swimming, aqua jogging, and cycling a lot -- low impact with a few short runs as I healed.

Naturally, I’m wondering if trying this stuff out again might help. So, I have been stuffing myself to the gills with fruits and vegetables for the last couple weeks. It’s not that I don’t normally eat this stuff. It’s the volume that’s changed. You guys know I typically rely on lots of bread and sugar to power me through, well, life. Obviously my diet hasn’t always been ideal, but it’s a work in progress. With exercise, I’ve been keeping it short and light since my 10K race last week. I’m planning to do around four or five runs of 3 to 4 slow miles a week. Walking and cycling otherwise. If we were members of a gym, I’d do swimming.

I may have mentioned in another TTC post that when we got pregnant in late January, I had drastically changed my diet as well. I cut back on all processed carbohydrates, shunned crazy sugar high desserts, and drank a green smoothie each day. Not only that, but I also made exercise a priority, but I was doing a lot of Barre, cross-country skiing, and running when the weather was OK (which wasn’t a lot). Coincidence? Probably . . . but maybe not.

I’m not going to go on a limb and credit my diet change with getting pregnant, because we all know how that turned out anyway. But I have read a couple studies (1, 2) about blood sugar/carbs/lifestyle and fertility. The information is compelling, and at this point I’m willing to try anything. At the same time, I don’t think I’ll be able to wait another six months without checking in with the doctor again. So, I’m trying to take this one day at a time. Whether or not I’ll write many updates -- I’m not sure. Sometimes writing helps, but I also realize that this journey could be a long one . . . so I don’t want to turn this space into my personal rant zone.

Thanks for reading and for your well wishes.

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Random Tuesday Things

Here’s a bunch of stuff that’s been going on in these parts:

#1: Our weekend was good! Between hot air balloons landing around us to having backyard bonfires to watching 20+ small aircraft take off/land during a delicious breakfast . . . well, I’d say our visit to Ada’s nanny and poppy’s house was loads of fun. We’re now on the hunt to check out more local airport cafes, and I think one of our friends shared that there’s one in Cape May that has a great breakfast for when we’re on vacation.

Too bad flying is like my biggest fear. I’ll just watch.

Exposure therapy, maybe?


#2: I’ve been wanting to get Ada a sandbox for a couple years now. I combed Craigslist and kept a close watch of yard sales, and I was unable to find one (which to me seems incredible -- there are so many other outdoor toys I’ve encountered in my search). Anyway, we just picked up this Step 2 Naturally Playful Sandbox. I’m not sure if I like where we put it, but our backyard gets a lot of sun, so I snugged it underneath the only large tree that covers the back corner in some shade.

So far, it’s the only toy in the yard that keeps her entertained for more than 20 minutes! Score.

#3: My day 3 blood work (FSH, LH, prolactin, etc.) came back completely, utterly normal. I can’t say I was entirely thrilled or -- conversely -- unhappy. I was more frustrated that nothing showed up. I was sure I’d have some elevated LH levels from how my OPKs always look, but I guess the ratio was fine. Tomorrow I will get the draw for the "day 21" test (progesterone), then I’ll have a chat with my doctor to find out the next steps.

Has anyone ever had a diagnosis of infertility but had the blood work not turn up anything? I know it’s definitely possible (male factor, etc.).


#4: I got a new bathing suit. I don’t think I’ve ever written much about this whole issue. I hate bathing suits and usually wear short shorts and an athletic tank to the beach -- even in my more fit days. I did get a yellow polka dot bikini a couple years ago from Albion that I enjoyed, but it doesn’t fit anymore. We were visiting my in-laws this weekend so I had the chance to stop into Marshall’s. I found this DKNY color block one-piece suit, tried it on, and fell in love. Only $35!

I may be a size bigger at the beach this year, but at least I’ll like slipping into this suit.


#5: On all our adventures over the weekend, Stephen and I somehow found ourselves in Emmaus, PA. I’ve had this weird desire to visit the town just south of Allentown for a few years since it’s where Runner’s World (and Rodale) is based. We hit up a local brewery (Funk Brewing), walked around town, and got a couple things at the local running shop before moving along our way. We don’t do enough random road trips, so I think I’d like to get into the habit more often.

It’s much more fun now that we’re in our van.

Hope you guys are all doing great. I’m getting caught up on some work this weekend, but I have big plans to do a whole week of weeknight grilling posts to share some of the foods we’ve been eating lately. It’s so easy to chop veggies and prepare foods for the grill. Healthy too. What’s your favorite quick + easy grilled dinner? So far, mine is the Grilled Veggie Quesadillas, but I have a few plans to top even that!

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Preparing to TTC (Again)

You may have noticed that I’ve been sort of quiet lately. Or at least just not blogging like usual. I’m in this weird limbo right now where I’m getting different fertility testing and counting down the days until we can try again. And it’s stirring up a lot of emotions. Unexpected emotions and feelings and thoughts that have me wishing this process was just, well, easier.

I look back at “TTC” with Ada in pure wonder.

I started charting again, which for those of you who are new to TTC is just what it sounds like. You wake up in the morning, take your temperature before getting out of bed, and plot it on a chart. I use Fertility Friend to keep track and -- honestly -- I don’t think it works great for me. I’m a light sleeper, I’m often up in the night, and my temps tend to be all over the place. But I do keep track of all the other signs my body gives me along with the chart to help determine if/when ovulation occurs.

My doctor also wants me to use ovulation test strips, especially this month because I’ll get my blood taken 9 days after it turns positive. I wasn’t thrilled to head down the Family Planning aisle again at the drug store. All these memories flooded back. The months upon months of buying these tests, the countless pregnancy tests, etc. And I was certainly dismayed to see that -- yet again -- my strips are almost always near positive no matter where I find myself in my cycle. But at least we’re on a path to figuring out why and what to do about it. (By the way, my doctor says to never invest in those expensive ovulation tests -- just get the cheap strips.)

I’ve also been cleaning up my act again with regard to eating and drinking. I definitely indulged a bit too much due to stress and, yes, sadness over the last couple months. I’ll write a post all about this stuff soon. The short of it is I’m avoiding alcohol, drinking a green smoothie every day, eating less bread/sugar, and trying to get back into the rhythm I was in the month we did conceive. I had changed my habits drastically that month and don’t necessarily think getting pregnant was a fluke. At the same time, I’m starting to think it’s pure luck.

As a couple, we’re doing OK, too. I will admit it’s still difficult to hear people joke that making babies is “so much fun” or whatever else if they know we’re trying for number two. Someone at a party over the weekend was joking that he could tell us how it works if we are confused. I just about lost it. It can really feel quite isolating when it seems people are announcing pregnancies left and right. But we’re in it together and I think we have a new perspective and respect for the entire process now.

Above all, I have really turned a corner mentally, and I’m talking just in the last couple weeks. I feel ready to just get back into the groove and get the optimism flowing again. I am ready to start over, however difficult and unfair it feels. I can look up baby names for fun and truly enjoy being around my friends’ babies. It was hard (impossible) for a while. I won’t lie, I have my moments where I still get jealous. Other times when I even get angry that we miscarried. But overall, the good days are outnumbering the bad.

Onto June!

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