Nagging Feeling

Where we left off: None of my initial lab results point to any particular reason why I’d be suddenly experiencing strange cycles (well, I guess it’s not so sudden anymore) and/or not getting/staying pregnant. Now that we’re close to that milestone when couples get checked out anyway, I’ve decided if I don’t get pregnant this cycle and continue on with the spotting and irregular cycle length -- I’m going to see the group’s fertility specialist at the suggestion of my midwife for the next level of testing.

Whatever that means.

I know a lot of literature says that most “healthy couples” get pregnant within a year. I’ll admit that seeing that plus sign so quickly and easily the first time has certainly made this whole thing a lot harder to stomach. But that was four years ago. I was younger. Also: We were probably lucky. After a while, I internalized these thoughts and was trying to roll with it and keep optimistic. More time has passed. I keep running into the same statistics that give me this nagging feeling something is wrong.

Plus, last month I went from the digital OPKs to a low-tech kit (I’d been using digitals) and got almost all positives all month. No, really. Apparently I’m absolutely teeming with LH. Confused, I posted my progression onto a birth board and a lot of experienced TTC’ers have urged me to find out if I have PCOS. My midwife doesn’t think it’s likely, but add that to the list of things I’m freaked out about at the moment. So much for not stressing during this process.

It seems like everywhere -- real life, Facebook, TTC boards, etc. -- people are setting sail on (or returning home from) their pregnancy journeys with incredible ease. It’s actually getting quite overwhelming. And it was really getting me down, and then I found this great interview series Why Is Everyone Getting Pregnant But Me? about how looks can certainly be deceiving. If you’re trying to get pregnant or just have an interest, I think you’ll enjoy the stories and sentiments. What’s online isn’t reality in most situations.

I know I’ve received mixed feedback on these TTC posts, so I don’t share words here today lightly. I feel incredibly blessed to have a child. And I certainly haven’t aimed to be annoying or frustrating to anyone else who’s experiencing similar or “worse" struggles. At the same time, my own experience is frustrating, so I think it’s totally valid. I hope those of you who are regular readers here understand that I’ve never been one to fire off my thoughts without considering the impact or perception. If anything, I’m hyper-aware. I read the criticism. However, I think having trouble getting pregnant the second time around is a much less acknowledged issue.

Even doctors tend to dismiss troubles because of successful past pregnancies. I, too, feel ridiculous that it’s sucking so much of my mental energy because I already have a child. While at the same time, the whole thing presents its unique challenges and hurdles and emotions. You already have a kid, for example, so when your mom-peers go on with their second, third, etc. kids and you’re still with a lonely only. Well, you get a lot of questions (surprisingly and painfully often from friends and strangers alike) about when you’re going to be adding a sibling. Or people say “so you’re just having the one, then?” You end up being the mom out of a class of nearly 20 kids who doesn’t have another child you’re picking up or dropping off. It’s in your face all the time.

I digress. Just wanted to give a brief update for those of you (and there are quite a few -- so thanks for your emails and support) who have been wondering what’s going on. In short: Not pregnant. Confused. Getting more frustrated and worried. Will try to keep positive and continue to search for answers.

(If you’re interested, more TTC posts are on Writing Chapter Three.)

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