On Entering My Mid-Thirties

When I was twelve, I used to read YM and Seventeen and dream of being a teenager. Like, a lot of my waking moments were spent in a haze wondering what it would be like to be a teen. Being older meant so incredibly much. Freedom, for one. Wearing makeup and feeling attractive. Kissing cute boys. The important stuff. And when those teenage and early adult years finally arrived, I was too moody and preoccupied to really care.

I never quite developed into one of those girls on the glossy pages either. My breasts have yet to grow bigger than an A-cup despite breastfeeding two children. (I’m guessing this is it, right?) I cannot seem to let my hair grow past my shoulders for more than a few months at a time. My style in high school, in a word, would have been whacky. Oh, and those boys? I’ve had only a couple notable romances in my life (which is fine by me!).

In my twenties, I felt like I was always trying to build toward taking that next step. You know? I was extremely career-driven when I worked in marketing and communications. I could see myself going all the way to being a manager or director someday. But when I finally attained that title, I realized that stuff -- calculating metrics, checking emails at 10PM, traveling frequently for business -- just wasn’t for me. I had that classic quarter-life crisis and quit, and then I went to working in education and libraries. I treaded water for a few years in an academic library’s administration department until we got pregnant with Ada.

I became a mom at age 28. It’s right when I expected I’d want to have my first child. My mom had me at 23 back in the early 1980s, and she often talks about being so young. But I was eager to have kids. It’s not that it was going to bring some magical depth to my life. It just felt right. Having Ada also gave me an incredible opportunity to jump off the directionless career path I was on and work freelance. I could now call myself a writer. The job title I had actually work toward during college. Talk about winning.

Turning 30 felt like such a big deal back when it was happening. Like I was somehow closing the chapter to my youth. Getting older and wiser. And I had already passed so many important milestones. Stephen and I got married when I was 24, we bought a house the same year, and -- again -- we had already had our first child. Still, being 30 meant something. Like I should have had my life more figured out. Or maybe had more peace with the direction in which my life was going.

I’ll be honest. Most of my years in my thirties were spent longing to get pregnant or dealing with miscarriage and sadness. I feel like I missed a good stretch from 30-32 this way. I regret getting so wrapped up, but I don’t know how I could have done things differently. Here I am a few days away from turning 34, and I don’t have much more figured out about myself. Sure, I am feeling more grounded in a way. Like, I am who I am . . . and I don’t apologize for it. Writing in this space for so many years has helped me develop that quality. I over-share, probably. But I like being an open book to the people online and in my real life. It’s helped me weed out the fake people in my life and connect with others who truly get me and can relate to my own life’s experience.


This year, I have a few goals. They’re silly, but I’ll share them anyway.

• First, I want to focus more on self-care. Having a newborn/infant got me terribly out of the habit of spending time on my appearance. I don’t have to wear makeup to feel pretty, but I know it makes me feel good to pluck my brows, get regular haircuts (I’ll get to this soon!), take time caring for my skin, and -- yes -- spiffing myself up more often.
• Along with this, my eating habits are always a work in progress. I want to continue to move in the right direction by focusing on wholesome whole foods. I mentioned in my grocery posts that we’re looking to eat fewer packaged foods (bad habit). That’s my main area of attack right now.
• I want to keep working toward finding that elusive balance in my life. I feel like mine is a life that goes like ocean waves. There are weeks when I’m crazy with work or Stephen’s schedule. Others where I sit so still I’m barely breathing. I think simply scheduling things better and getting into more routine will help. 
• I also want to get out more. I may sign up for an exercise class (spinning or yoga?) because I miss the group atmosphere. I am addicted to Fitness Blender, but they don’t talk back to me, no matter how many profanities I toss out when I’m lifting those kettle bells.
• Then comes my career stuff. I am loving my current situation, but I think I need to start actually using my office more. I find myself overwhelmed with work on the daily, and it’s something as simple as writing out my deadlines on a white board that might help. I tend to keep everything in my head so it weighs on me. I’d also like to do more writing of my own. Goal is to get one essay published in a local magazine or something similar.
• As a family goal, I’d like to create a day of disconnecting and re-connecting. Does that make sense? Almost like a sabbath. I just want to be present and together for one day each week. Or maybe even just one afternoon. It’s so easy to get caught up in the frenetic pace of life.

Here’s to turning the big 3-4 and all that it brings! 

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Sunday Scenes + Emotional Eating

I've always had difficulty when attempting to change my definition of "comfort food." And only recently did I start to understand or, rather, accept that the reason has nothing to do with self control or inability to truly enjoy "good," healthy foods. I fill my belly with plenty of kale, carrots, and other nutrient-dense produce. Comfort food is what it is because it serves an emotional purpose. Even the act of baking itself feeds my soul.

I've read of different methods + tricks to change out of eating my feelings in books + magazines, and, of course, on blogs. Paint your nails (I bite mine). Take a luxurious bath (I hate baths). Walk around the block (I get more than enough exercise). Drink a glass of water (my bladder is already bursting as it is). Eat celery instead (which gets my in the kitchen anyway). Basically, indulge in some other way that doesn't involve food.

And yet . . .

Doughnuts are sort of the ultimate for me when it comes to emotional eating. So, I made them yesterday. And not the healthier baked variety either. I tried replicating the same yeasted fry cakes we get at local farms in autumn. Except I didn't have any cider to go with them, so my experience was somewhat limited.

I guess what this divulges to you all is that it was a rough weekend in many respects. (And, if I'm being totally honest, the rough continues.) Between Ada's impending MRI appointment and all the worry that goes along with it, Stephen's dwindling summer vacation (which ends today), deadlines, a wildly messy house I just can't seem to tame, and a list of other stresses that seems to build . . . because I let them.

Anyway, these doughnuts were good, but not good enough for a recipe feature on the blog. So, I'm making them again soon -- happily. I'll be using pumpkin puree and a bit more sugar next time around. (Yes, even though I bake and indulge in a solid share of comfort food, I do make an effort to use healthy substitutions when they make sense. It's give/take.)

My thoughts toward emotional eating have changed a lot over the years. I can recognize when I'm doing it now, whether it's to mark a dark point in my day/week/month/life or to celebrate some momentous occasion. (Yup! I don't eat just for upset – I eat for joy as well.) But I've started shedding the guilt I used to associate with it which, in turn, has lessened the quantity of food I consume. In some blissful compromise, it seems.

I'm trying in this decade to enjoy food versus battling it. To give myself freedom from guilt and negativity where it's just not necessary to inject. What I'm finding already is that letting go in this way has extended beyond the food to other areas of my life. A "don't sweat the small stuff" reaction, if you will. So, if you're finding yourself in a bad loop, give it a try. I'm still very much in process, but the internal progress is compelling.

Those of you off on holiday today, enjoy! I have some fun stuff in the queue for this week, including more about my month's worth of shopping at the grocery store yesterday. I could hardly turn my cart down the aisles it was so heavy!

Time to cook 24 more meals to accompany all that tangy BBQ sauce. Go!

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Just Call Me Annie Oakley . . .

In the spirit of trying new/scary things + turning 30, I shot a gun for the first time last weekend. I'm not joining the NRA anytime soon, but I've always been curious about guns, since I'm -- for all intents and purposes -- staunchly anti-weapons whenever the debate ensues.
 
Weird, I know. I'm not telling this story to stir up anything. It's just about me, myself, and doing something that -- until this weekend -- I never thought I'd do.

Some back story. I'm originally from north-central Pennsylvania, deep in the forest. Prime hunting country. No one in my family hunts, though. My dad grew up a country boy and shot his fair share of targets with his father. He has some relics from that time, but only recently decided to take up shooting for sport. Basically, guns were always around . . . I could hear shots in the distance in my backyard when the flatlanders would descend on the town for hunting season. However, they weren't part of my reality.

So, fast forward to this weekend. My brother was up visiting from DC and my dad thought it'd be the perfect time to christen his rifle range membership. When we arrived, my mind immediately made sense of the place like some sort of bowling alley. There were lanes, so I guess that's the trigger for that comparison. The piercing sound of bullets nearby shook me from that image -- fast.

We slapped on protective glasses, inserted earplugs, and picked up a few paper targets.

My dad carefully pulled out his semi-automatic rifle, there's probably some more technical name for it -- I'm not sure -- and got to teaching. We first learned the rules of the range. How the gun couldn't point anywhere but toward the target and various other safety concerns/measures. Then we turned our attention to the gun itself. First and foremost -- where the safety was (which I became obsessed with), then how to load the clip, how to get the bullet ready for shooting, and aiming.

I don't know who I was expecting to see there shooting. I admit I came into the place with some preconceived notions. Instead: It was relatively empty, as it was a sunny Saturday afternoon. But there was another father there with his two well-behaved, respectful kids -- a boy and a girl. It was like looking into some time portal mirror. The girl was the older of the two, like me, and they were each probably a good 15 years younger than we are, respectively.

Anyway, the actual shooting part of our adventure went pretty fast.


We each planned to shoot three rounds of 5 bullets each. My dad started and I was incredibly impressed with his accuracy -- he got several bullseyes right away. Next it was my turn. I was nervous and remember asking several times about how much the gun would kick back. But my first pull of the trigger was honestly quite less frightening/mind-blowing/etc. than I thought it might be.

Instead, I grew better with each shot and even enjoyed myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm still terrified by the idea of bullets buzzing nearby. We won't be adding any weapons to our home arsenal anytime soon (of which there's an obligatory baseball bat and a strangely shaped pipe we found in the basement when we moved in.) My thoughts on gun violence have stayed the same. But demystifying how a gun works and learning that some people really do just enjoy it for sport in a controlled environment was eye-opening and, dare I say, empowering?

In my last try, I even got a bullseye!

I don't really know where this story fits in with my usual blog content. And yet it fits here just perfectly, I think. Have you done anything out of the ordinary lately? My good friend Meg recently went sky-diving and I still marvel at that fact every time I think of it.

Thanks for the experience, dad!

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More Than a 5K

Running early in the morning gives me this whole new world of introspective thinking. It's dark, quiet, lonely and basically the perfect atmosphere for contemplation. I never set out to ruminate on any specific topic. It happens organically. Or perhaps is a trick my mind plays to make my body forget how much it hates working before dawn.

My most recent 5K was a proud moment for me. It was the first race I ran as a 30-year-old. In a new age group. Somehow this fact felt very significant to me as I pounded out those 3.1 miles. Overwhelmingly so. I am older, yes, but with regard to running, there's nothing I'd associate with being old or aging.

I felt strong, solid, and fast.
I PRed for the first time in over 6 years.
I'd love to do it all over again because I know I can get faster.
But it goes so much deeper than times and age group awards.

If you asked me 10 years ago, I would have guaranteed you that I'd be slower after having a baby. I mean, it was just an inevitable fact of life. Priorities shift and focus changes and running was to keep me skinny mostly anyway. I've never been much of a competitor, but by the time I was 30, I'd just be happy if I was still keeping fit in some way.

Except that now, running is so much more than exercise to me. I don't know when it happened exactly. It's just who I am. I'm much more dimensional, but the runner part of "Ashley" is a huge chunk that gives me confidence, growth, self understanding, patience, happiness, belonging, and -- yes -- some crazy muscular legs.


When I was 11 or 12, I'd gawk at YM and Seventeen magazines, imagining how cool + pretty high school girls felt like the ones on those glossy pages. When I turned 17, I felt no more grown up, really, than I had the year or two before. Yeah, I'd kissed a boy and started wearing makeup. Those girls in the magazines still seemed older somehow, more worldly, more knowing than I could ever be.

Basically, throughout the years, I've kept waiting for something to happen to me. For my job to somehow take over my identity and make me feel like a real person. For the place where I live to make me feel important or smart or some other adjective besides dull + boring. For it -- my life -- to make sense in some instant of clarity. 

As some of you pointed out, it seems our 30s are the time for switching the game around. It's all about empowerment. Taking charge. A refusal to wait and see if I'll somehow feel different the next time I'm "supposed" to, at the next big milestone. The 30s are about finding the meaning of life from within.

I'm done waiting. I'm already who I am meant to be and -- if I think hard -- who I want to be. Everything else is up to the work I put in it. The drive and passion and dedication I give to myself and those around me. Crossing the finish line with a new time to boast about is one thing. But carrying that feeling, that tenacity throughout everything I do is another.

That's why I run.

PS: If you'd like a more play-by-play 5K report, check out my recap on Walk, Jog, Run. It was the first time I raced with my GPS watch!

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Red Curry Kimchi

Every year I say I'm going to learn more about preserving foods. Then the peak season comes and goes, some of our produce ultimately spoils, and -- in the end -- I've only frozen a couple things and made a few rockin' batches of homemade applesauce. Not this year. I'm trying to be more intentional in everything I do, food included.

Our garden is bursting with pak choy of all things. For me, it falls flat in stir-fries. So, we decided to do something fun and, at least for us, educational. Just as with Stephen's annual pickles, this recipe came (in part) from Put 'Em Up!: A Comprehensive Home Preserving Guide for the Creative Cook.

For the rest, I sampled some methods from an article I found on The Kitchn. Oh, and since we were missing most everything for the spice paste, I reached deep into the refrigerator to grab a heaping tablespoon of leftover red curry paste. Some garden-grown chives to replace scallions, too. We still have several more days till it's "done" and ready for consumption, but already this red curry kimchi smells incredible.

Reading and learning more about preserving foods and all the different methods for doing so has unlocked this whole new appreciation for cooking in me. I think bloggers can get bogged down by the frantic day-to-day need to create the hottest, most pinnable recipe. We forget to continue our culinary education (for which I'm homeschooled, right?).

I can't get over how gorgeous this batch looks in jars. I guess it will last three weeks in the refrigerator. If it lasts that long at all. I've been known to polish off a jar of kimchi in one sitting.


I'm feeling good with all this motivation coursing through my veins. And with this recipe, I'm working toward one of my goals with food. Cook more, appreciate food for its flavor and not so much impact on my weight. Use seasonal ingredients in new ways. Learn new techniques. (Which reminds me that I want to get going on a new + improved starter for fall's sourdough adventures!)

I also uncovered another book I'd like to pick up on this subject while researching an article I'm writing for Wise Bread. It's Kevin West's Saving the Season: A Cook's Guide to Home Canning, Pickling, and Preserving. It's a cookbook, but I guess West weaves in a great deal of storytelling (personal essays, etc.). I like thinking of the intentional preservation of food as a way of life and not just for the joy of my stomach.

Today on Writing Chapter Three, I wrote about another one of my goals: To get a handle on the mess in my house (and -- let's be honest -- inside my head). Everywhere I look, I'm seeing how the little things I do -- every 2 minutes of my time, in fact -- can have a huge impact on my everyday life.

It's been good slowing down and paying attention, however long it took me to get to this place.

What new cooking methods have you tried lately? What else do you want to learn?

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Diet Thoughts + Basil Hummus

The process of eating well can be transformative. After all, we're continually told "you are what you eat." But what they don't tell you? It isn't the sole catalyst for lasting change. In the past, I thought modifying my diet would change my life. That eating clean meant not only a clean body, but also a happy mind and satisfied soul.

As I have found out through much trial + error, that's only half true . . . at best.

Still, I think a lot of us use our diets as our adult report cards. There aren't too many other ways to grade how our lives are going, how we're dealing with physical and emotional contentment or, in turn, turmoil. Diets are (somewhat) easy to change, track, and control, too. They allow us focus on something external -- food + drink -- to lay blame outside our inner selves. To celebrate successes or, ultimately, punish failures.

Unless there's a large amount of weight to lose or some other quantifiable, measurable goal, the changes a diet provides can range from significant to imperceptible. And that's where the focus on food fails to deliver. Even if we "eat like adults," we can remain in a funk. Unfulfilled in so many ways.

What's even more perplexing is how we can be privy to all of what I just wrote and still choose to harp on diet every time our lives get out of control or we desire big change. I'm writing to myself here, can you tell? Understandably, it's a kick-start. After, that's when the "lifestyle" component factors in, which I'll get into another time. What the term encompasses, though, we typically interpret to mean exercise only. There are still multiple pieces of the pie missing.

Enough food for thought.
Now time for some actual food.


BASIL HUMMUS

What you'll need . . .

• 1 can chickpeas
• 1/2 cup packed basil leaves
• 1/2 cup water
• 1 tablespoon tahini
• Squeeze fresh lemon juice
• 1 clove garlic
• Salt and pepper to taste

//  Place all ingredients in your food processor and blend until smooth. Add more/less water depending on how you like the texture of your hummus to be. Then use as a dip or spread. I topped toast with it and added slices of heirloom tomatoes that looked quite a bit like lox, no?


Slice!


Have you been frustrated when a diet hasn't provided the change you needed?
Or perhaps quite the opposite?

Still, I believe taking the time to cook gives the mind more room to think. A critical slowing down that we're often taught to overlook (I skipped enough lunches while working my desk jobs, for example). And keeping recipes simple and full of nutrient-dense whole foods can help lead us in the right direction, wherever that may be.

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Doing Enough

For my 30th birthday, my dad presented me with a rather unexpected "gift" that had been in the works almost my entire life. He handed me an envelope containing all my report cards and standardized test scores since I started kindergarten. Sounds a little odd, but I assure you -- it's absolutely incredible to look at notes about my class participation and see written comments about my 9-year-old "chatterbox" self.

Thanks, dad.

I made my way through the years until I got to high school, where I was completely shocked to see a GPA of 2.73 my second semester of 9th grade. We all have things we brag about from time to time, and for me -- it's been my grades. In my junior and senior years of high school, I got high marks in lots of honors and AP classes. I worked even harder in college and graduated magna cum laude with a near double-major, two on-campus jobs, and a host of extracurricular activities.

Convenient how I forgot this one semester and -- really -- entire year of mediocre scores in most of my classes (hello, straight Cs in Spanish -- not my forte!). But then it all started to make sense. My freshman year of high school was my first real period of finding myself + honing my interests on my own terms. Wow, was I overloaded! Classes, music and theater stuff, attempts at sports, boyfriends, and much more.

I have this tendency to pile high the to-dos, goals, activities, obligations, and expectations . . . and, looking back, it all kicked into high gear in 9th grade. Surprise, surprise.

So, I think it's common to want to do more and accomplish more. Over time, we develop keen coping mechanisms and a better capacity for "work" so we can keep the rest of our lives running while we go after the big stuff. But there's definitely a breaking point. When I need to start thinking about what I expect from myself and from life.

I wrote all sorts of stuff related to this topic, but it ended up being mostly for me, not for you all.

In brief: I've spread myself thinner and thinner with each passing year and developed quite a tolerance. But I've reached my own breaking point. I think it's just wanting too much and not knowing why or what will ultimately fill my cup. What will make me feel full at the end of the day.

+  +  +  +  +

With all of these revelations in mind, I'm trying my best with the bigger picture goals I posted to stay focused and simple in my approach. For example, keeping up with my training goals is important and I embarked on the first workout for my fall half marathon plan yesterday.

The entire time I was running, my mind ran, too.
Through all the other fitness goals I have for myself.
And there are plenty.

"Well, I should probably do some cross-training when I'm done since I skipped yesterday's long run for travel. Maybe go to the pool and yoga tomorrow on my 'off' day. Perhaps I'll have time to sneak in some good sets of push-ups or skip to the gym to do kettlebells. Maybe I should check out that cycling class on Thursday. Maybe I should up my weekly mileage to 40 to meet my (lofty) time goal."


Eventually I returned home after 4 miles and said -- out loud, actually -- "SHUT UP. You are doing enough! You're doing great." It felt sort of amazing to assert myself in this way. To stand up to that bully always poking from the inside for not being good enough, fast enough, fit enough, smart enough, creative enough, etc.

Obviously this lesson applies to far more areas than just running or fitness. I've been feeling much more centered, at least in my heart, about myself and my life. Who I am. What's really important. My head is still catching up, it seems. As with all mind shifts, it will take time.

Thing is, I don't have grades to act as a barometer anymore. Of course I'll want to expand my horizons and improve. Work hard and go beyond my comfort zone. But not at the expense of the greater good. Not everything all at once. Today. Yesterday.

I am doing enough. I really am. And that's my new mantra.

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Time for a Turnaround

You're right.

It's beyond wanting to lose weight, eat less sugar, or be happier.
To exercise more and attain some major fitness goal.
It's beyond food and babies and bigger houses.
Beyond, beyond, beyond.

I hesitate getting too personal when it comes to mental health on this space. I get a variety of reactions, good and bad and also amateur psychologist, when I delve deep. But I figure enough of you are here for the good that I'll forge ahead with what my mind + heart really wants me to focus on for a while. It's time for a turnaround. Not some quick fix, 7-day plan or other gimmick.

I find myself physically running in almost all my spare time, criticizing my diet when at rest, and continually searching for different houses, different towns, different jobs -- basically anything different that would snap me out of whatever it is.

I'm in a constant state of searching. I've always been this way. Part of it, honestly, is just a hobby (obsessed with real estate and architecture, always love imagining what it's like to live in another gal's shoes, etc.) but it's gotten a little overboard lately.

Which is when I realized that I'm not actually searching for any of these things specifically. I'm seeking -- instead -- internal change and some fundamental lifestyle shifts that go far beyond diet and exercise. From the inside versus the outside. A spark, too.

I took some time to allow myself to have a long internal conversation. I took a piece of paper and wrote down the things about my life that leave me uninspired or frustrated or those areas where I'd like to focus on growth and development.

I limited myself to the top 10 and then decided I'll start small with just five.

In no particular order:

+  +  +  +  + 

#1: Re-examination of my diet. I have been a vegetarian for as long as I can remember. But I haven't always given my body all the things, especially protein, that it needs. If I want to continue to be meat-free, I need to take the effort and energy to eat the foods that best feed my body and brain. 

Plan: I am going to approach this one through my love for cooking. It's easy to fall into a rut when it comes to making food. In my case, I've not been prioritizing it enough -- leaving dinner until the later hours and sort of snacking through my day. Through reconnecting with my love for cooking (and hopefully learning some new techniques and  recipes along the way), I hope to more naturally fall into a groove of healthier eating versus saying NO sugar, NO alcohol, NO this or that. Food is fun, no?

+  +  +  +  + 

#2: Rejuvenation of my social life. In many ways, being a mom is great socially. I have some nice mom-friends. When I left my full-time job, however, I sort of became a hermit. I often turn down opportunities to connect with other people or take the effort it takes to go out and seek new friendships. Part of this is my own long-standing introvert status. Part of it is falling out of habit.

Plan: Start saying YES when it comes to invitations. Start making the effort to drive more and connect with my friends who might not live in my city. Make more phone calls instead of emails. I may even quit Facebook for a while and see if that helps me go from virtual staying-in-touch to actual getting together, etc. This is particularly difficult for me, but whenever I do see my friends, I am infinitely happier.

+  +  +  +  + 

#3: Cultivation of my professional life. I have some great gigs going, but at the end of the day I'm often left wondering where I'm headed career-wise. I would love to make freelancing a real THING. I mean it is already, but I could be doing more and learning more. In addition, I have also wanted to explore some different careers for when our children are in school and I might want to do something outside the home.

Plan: Start a list of books and resources for freelancing and READ them. Reach out to my friends who are already successful and getting published online or elsewhere. I'm interested in writing about food, but I have a degree in writing and am excited to see what other avenues I could explore with it. In addition to all of this, I want need to carve out a proper office space for myself. Even if it's a corner of a room.

+  +  +  +  +  

#4: Action toward more financial freedom. I think my biggest source of stress on a daily basis has to do with money. Whether I'm making enough money. Or if we're spending too much money. We have our good times and bad times. We don't have credit card debt, but our student loans are heftier than most and things that sounds interesting + cute like a $50 grocery budget should really be happening more practically than just in theory. We are still in good shape with our savings, but after a few home projects this summer, I feel like we're slipping down the slope.

Plan: I'd like to revisit our budget and track our expenses again for a couple months. I'd like to see if there are any areas where we could modify our current spending habits. Including the possibility of downsizing our home to save $$$ each month without much effort (though this might not be possible because we recently refinanced, hmmm). In addition, I'd like to be more mindful of the money we spend on weekends and stop using "good months" as an excuses to spend more money when we should be saving instead.

+  +  +  +  + 

#5: Giving in and trying something new. (Oops, broke parallel structure there!) So, yeah. I am always searching, but never actually doing. Marveling at the things other people do. Saying "I could do that" or "I WANT to do that." I would like to stop sitting on the sidelines and explore my interests. I know I have limited time and resources, but there are plenty of opportunities for personal growth and enjoyment all around me. I just need to seize the day, I guess.

Plan: Find one new activity or class or group or something else to try out and stick with it for a while. This one's the biggest open-ended of the items I wanted to tackle on my list. So, I haven't given specifics except I need to figure it out before Stephen returns to work in September.

+  +  +  +  +  

What I realized through all of this "work" is that I'm not a sad person. In fact, I am happy with my life in so many ways. It's more of a unfulfilled feeling. I think with having a child, deciding to work from home, and not having an easy transition with it all, I've done OK, but I'm ready to start thriving again.

Still, I cycle between stress and then avoidance, leading eventually to more + more stress and very little progress. I'm not investing a lot of time into myself and the areas where I am investing (mostly exercise and work), I'm reaping little reward when it comes to how I feel.

Except for being a mom to this awesome girl. But I know it's more than healthy to want to be more than a mom at this stage in life. Healthy for me. Healthy for our whole family.

And so much of health is mental, isn't it?


I'm sure you were expecting some type of post like this since I turned 30 on Sunday. It actually wasn't that big a deal. It just got me thinking about time and my role in my own life. Though I am always looking for outside change, ultimately I will need to either go and MAKE those changes or see if whatever it is could be solved inside my head.

And that's how I'd like to spend my next decade.  

How about you?

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